The week of Spring Break seemed to fly by. I found myself saying, “O it’s only Tuesday”…then it was Friday. I was supposed to leave on Saturday but then when it was to be Friday, I was not ready to leave. It snowed on Thursday so my plans in essence were held back a day. Friday, my mom and I started talking about who even knows what; probably about Rodney, career goals, and Shawn. Even though Shawn and I are not together I still get flustered over the topic. That was five years of my life. Shawn and I have talked on and off for the past couple of months, but it is nothing consistent because we are both trying to move on. I left my house on the verge of tears because I was over talking about it. Sometimes I feel like it is not even my life that I am living. There are so many expectations on top of the expectations I hold for myself. Now I remember how the conversation started…Hawaii and Africa. I am finding that my summers are very expensive, but I will not trade them. The experience will last me a lifetime and broaden my horizons. Do they cost money? Yes, there is no such thing as free. I sense that I will not be getting any financial assistance from my mom; this is because everything goes to volleyball. What I do not understand is; volleyball will pay for Emily’s school but is she growing as a person? No. She is still the same self centered, spoiled, vocally passive self. I have a chance to change lives, I have a chance to live my dreams instead of just think them up. O well, I will get there one way or another. The support I feel from my teachers is overwhelmingly positive. O and then my mom had the audacity to tell me that I should not take my dad for his birthday surprise. I said, no way! I have two and a half years where I do not have bills and payments. I would rather work for something that will last me a lifetime. Honestly, I am still taking him. I cannot wait until next year; no one knows what next year will bring. I want to do this experience and I cannot imagine doing it with anyone else. My dad is my best friend and means everything to me…now all I have to do is pray he is not scared of heights! I am a little but this is safe and I hear it is absolutely an amazing experience. Therefore, we are going, my mind is set which means he is the only one who could convince me otherwise but even that would not change my mind.
O so, where I went when I left…I went to Wal-Mart. Shawn was there. We talked. Even though we are not together venting to him eases my frustrations. I mean he was there when my big life changes were happening so he knows the pressure I have to succeed. He also knows that my mom and I seem to bump heads most of the time. He actually stepped out of my life so I did not have to choose between marrying him and keeping the relationship with my parents. My parents think he is full of crap and a waste of life. Who are they to judge? I can genuinely say I love Shawn and no one can change that. Anyways we talked, I got to get everything out about school, home, Rodney, my life, my confusions. Then he pummeled me in the snow; which was so cold but it made me smile. I can never catch him when he runs though, damn Mexican lightning. We warmed up in his car and talked about the what if’s and could have been’s of our relationship. That is all they will ever be and we both know that. Shawn will always have a special place in my heart despite other’s opinion of him. When I was at King Soopers I ran into Eddie, a very good friend of Shawn’s. He thought our break up was catastrophic, but o well Eddie’s wife is expecting! Wow. I always have to take a step back to think that that could have been me. I do not look back with regret; I simply just acknowledge it. I know God is leading me.
Then I went and met Sarah at Starbucks where we talked and gossiped. Finally I told her, lets go to the club. Let us go do something instead of just mope around. So, we went and got ready in twenty minutes and left. We went to a club called The Church and ran in to Devon and Jared, the first people we met at the club during winter break. It was nice to see them again but I was out to have a good time so Sarah and I started dancing. This guy comes up behind me and asks what my name is and my favorite song. (My favorite song is not a club song so I threw out the only one I could think of, “Heartless”) He walks up to the DJ and the next song they play is that song. The guy comes back and asks to dance…Of course! He asked if I was thirsty, I said kinda, he left again. He comes back with bottled water from the bar, with the seal still on it. Wow, I am impressed. We go off and talk, he is from France, works in Intelligence for the Army, and speaks six languages; French, English, Portuguese, Arabic, German, Italian. Wow. Now here is someone who makes me feel like I do not do anything.
The next morning I spend with my family, just the way I wanted. Jacob and I made chocolate chip and walnut pancakes, delisciousness! I packed, and just hung around my dad. Him and I ended the evening watching West Side Story, one of his favorites. I had never seen it and vowed I would not watch it until I was with him. Before that, my dad and I went to King Soopers to get fruit and ended up getting ice cream too. We jammed out to songs in the car. I am consciously aware that someday I will not get to do this, someday he or I will not be here, so I want to soak it in. I think that this is something that my mom does not understand, I am not home, and each year my time gets shorter and shorter. I do not want to waste time because once the hourglass is empty; you cannot turn it back over. I wonder how people would live their life if they were conscious of that concept.
The drive back was not so bad. I actually got to sleep. So I got to start the book, 23 Minutes in Hell. I recommend it highly! One of the most influential books I have ever read. It was the major turning point in thinking that Rodney and I should not be together. I want to find someone whose heart is on fire for God and racing toward it. When Rodney and were together I felt sometimes he was a half a step behind me, now I do not even know where he is, I just know it is not next to me and definitely not in front of me.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
March 23
I went to work out today. I always stop by the guard office to see everyone. Robert and I had our little bickering like always. He gave me some helpful workout tips. So the visit was not totally pointless. I miss working there, but then again I do not. Adam and Robert have to work there to pay bills. That could have been me, but I chose a different path. There is nothing wrong with that, it all matters what you want.
So I found out today that I have until the 15th of April to raise 2,700 dollars. (I am aware that there is a $ symbol, but it does not make sense because no one says dollar five which is implied by $5.) All I can do is get my proposal letter out and pray. I do not believe that God has put this opportunity before me to have me not go.
One thing that I am proud of is that I stayed home in January to save up for Hawaii. That is 800 dollars that I already have saved up. I know that if I had not done that then I would have had to choose Hawaii or Africa. I think that I will be there from the 11th of July to the 30th. It will be a nice break for me. Camp runs the 16th-25th. My fellow counselors told me last year I should of stayed longer so I could celebrate my birthday on the beach…Well I am going to this year.
I saw Joe today. I am always hesitant about seeing him, but then we get into conversations about religion and the purpose of Stonehenge. It makes me so happy to have an intellectual conversation. I realize that I miss that too. I always miss the people I feel like I leave behind. I do this a lot though. I get so focused about my opportunities and I go for them. I become so narrow minded; I do not allow anything to get in my way. Some people call this selfish but in my opinion, I justify it by saying that I am going to embrace every experience God puts before me.
So I found out today that I have until the 15th of April to raise 2,700 dollars. (I am aware that there is a $ symbol, but it does not make sense because no one says dollar five which is implied by $5.) All I can do is get my proposal letter out and pray. I do not believe that God has put this opportunity before me to have me not go.
One thing that I am proud of is that I stayed home in January to save up for Hawaii. That is 800 dollars that I already have saved up. I know that if I had not done that then I would have had to choose Hawaii or Africa. I think that I will be there from the 11th of July to the 30th. It will be a nice break for me. Camp runs the 16th-25th. My fellow counselors told me last year I should of stayed longer so I could celebrate my birthday on the beach…Well I am going to this year.
I saw Joe today. I am always hesitant about seeing him, but then we get into conversations about religion and the purpose of Stonehenge. It makes me so happy to have an intellectual conversation. I realize that I miss that too. I always miss the people I feel like I leave behind. I do this a lot though. I get so focused about my opportunities and I go for them. I become so narrow minded; I do not allow anything to get in my way. Some people call this selfish but in my opinion, I justify it by saying that I am going to embrace every experience God puts before me.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
I do not even remember what happened Saturday
Sunday March 22, 2009
I got exactly what I needed this morning. I was so high strung in a bad way and going to my church and being in that environment always makes everything become okay, even when it is not. It is an hour and a half of my life where I do not have to focus on anything except praising the Lord and talking to him. I am able to release everything and focus. I have not found anything else that gives me that feeling. I think that eventually I will end up in Colorado and a huge reason besides the people in my life is the “high” that I get off of worshipping God, especially in this setting. I mean I can still feel alive in my faith away from Northern Hills since I am out of the state most of the year. There is a song called, “Better than Drugs” by Skillet. The lyrics are so true though… I do not need to get high or wasted to feel good; I am high off life and thanking the Lord for all He has done for me.
I need to get the fundraising letters out; I just do not know all of what to say. I am optimistic. When I had teachers come up to me and tell me that they want to help my heart was overjoyed to say the least. Just to know that I have the support of my teachers behind me shows me even more that Bethany College was the place for me. This experience will truly be one of a kind and they believe in me enough to help make it happen.
So much has happened. My mom thinks that I share too much in my journals. She feels as if it is too personal. I just told her that I have nothing to hide because I do not. The career that I want to go into I cannot stand in front of people and impose that I do not have problems too, that is what makes me human.
My mom came and talked to me right before I went to bed, I was on the phone with Shawn and that made it mildly awkward. It was a good talk. I was a little surprised about that. I know she wants the best for me; it just sucks sometimes when I am the only person who does not know “the right way” to go about life. Winston Churchill said, “There are two people who never amount to anything; those who don’t do what they are told and those who can do nothing else.” Sometimes I feel torn about everything. “Anna just focus on your dreams, the right boy will come along.” I thought the right boy had come along but of course, like all the people that enter my life, he is just someone to drag me down. Someone is always trying to drag me down in my parent’s eyes. They just see so much potential. I see potential in myself but my mom thinks that for me to go out and do things I need to have someone there. In my personal opinion, I think I just want someone to share my experiences with.
I have tried to talk to Rodney Friday, Saturday and then tonight but every time I do, I get so frustrated. I do not even know how it happens but it does. First it is about him getting a job, then it is about him not having a plan B, then it is about him thinking my religion is stupid, and then…for some reason the list goes on and on and on and on. I mean it was like all of a sudden I had the best boyfriend in the world and I would move to Washington. Now I want nothing but freedom, I want no commitment. I do not even know where this is coming from or if it is just a phase. What if I just want to go on a date to have it mean nothing? Who knows, I spent all of high school wrapped up in a boy and never tried anything. Now I am in the same situation. Maybe I just need some time alone, which is what I told Rodney. I want time to explore but then that is breaking up and I do not want Rodney out of my life. I mean that would be a huge red sign saying, “I do not love you.” That is not what I want to say…I just need some Anna time. I need a chance to breathe. I always need things planned out and perfect. For once I wish that I could just do me and not have to worry about pleasing anyone else or committing to anything. Good thing it is spring break and I will have time to figure out this entire mess.
I feel like I can never have moments like this because so many people are counting on me.
Mood: Who even knows…?
P.S. I have a rash that covers my arms, ouch! I was in the grass this week so that probably did not help.
I got exactly what I needed this morning. I was so high strung in a bad way and going to my church and being in that environment always makes everything become okay, even when it is not. It is an hour and a half of my life where I do not have to focus on anything except praising the Lord and talking to him. I am able to release everything and focus. I have not found anything else that gives me that feeling. I think that eventually I will end up in Colorado and a huge reason besides the people in my life is the “high” that I get off of worshipping God, especially in this setting. I mean I can still feel alive in my faith away from Northern Hills since I am out of the state most of the year. There is a song called, “Better than Drugs” by Skillet. The lyrics are so true though… I do not need to get high or wasted to feel good; I am high off life and thanking the Lord for all He has done for me.
I need to get the fundraising letters out; I just do not know all of what to say. I am optimistic. When I had teachers come up to me and tell me that they want to help my heart was overjoyed to say the least. Just to know that I have the support of my teachers behind me shows me even more that Bethany College was the place for me. This experience will truly be one of a kind and they believe in me enough to help make it happen.
So much has happened. My mom thinks that I share too much in my journals. She feels as if it is too personal. I just told her that I have nothing to hide because I do not. The career that I want to go into I cannot stand in front of people and impose that I do not have problems too, that is what makes me human.
My mom came and talked to me right before I went to bed, I was on the phone with Shawn and that made it mildly awkward. It was a good talk. I was a little surprised about that. I know she wants the best for me; it just sucks sometimes when I am the only person who does not know “the right way” to go about life. Winston Churchill said, “There are two people who never amount to anything; those who don’t do what they are told and those who can do nothing else.” Sometimes I feel torn about everything. “Anna just focus on your dreams, the right boy will come along.” I thought the right boy had come along but of course, like all the people that enter my life, he is just someone to drag me down. Someone is always trying to drag me down in my parent’s eyes. They just see so much potential. I see potential in myself but my mom thinks that for me to go out and do things I need to have someone there. In my personal opinion, I think I just want someone to share my experiences with.
I have tried to talk to Rodney Friday, Saturday and then tonight but every time I do, I get so frustrated. I do not even know how it happens but it does. First it is about him getting a job, then it is about him not having a plan B, then it is about him thinking my religion is stupid, and then…for some reason the list goes on and on and on and on. I mean it was like all of a sudden I had the best boyfriend in the world and I would move to Washington. Now I want nothing but freedom, I want no commitment. I do not even know where this is coming from or if it is just a phase. What if I just want to go on a date to have it mean nothing? Who knows, I spent all of high school wrapped up in a boy and never tried anything. Now I am in the same situation. Maybe I just need some time alone, which is what I told Rodney. I want time to explore but then that is breaking up and I do not want Rodney out of my life. I mean that would be a huge red sign saying, “I do not love you.” That is not what I want to say…I just need some Anna time. I need a chance to breathe. I always need things planned out and perfect. For once I wish that I could just do me and not have to worry about pleasing anyone else or committing to anything. Good thing it is spring break and I will have time to figure out this entire mess.
I feel like I can never have moments like this because so many people are counting on me.
Mood: Who even knows…?
P.S. I have a rash that covers my arms, ouch! I was in the grass this week so that probably did not help.
Monday, March 16, 2009
What is it All For?
March 15, 2009
I feel like it has been so long since I wrote. A lot has happened.
Baseball’s conference opener was on Thursday, we lost. Lost the first game and then went into the fourteenth inning for the second game and lost. Rodney and them were pretty upset. If this is how it is going to be, it is going to be a long season…especially with Cantrell. Most of the Ju-Co players are looking at transferring next year so they do not waste it on this program. I do not blame them. We went from the best in conference to the worst…great move Bethany College…
Friday feels like a complete blur. Like a tear one a piece of paper, nothing but smudges. I have not talked to Shawn. Him and I have not had an actual conversation since Thanksgiving. Every time his number shows up on my phone, my heart feels like it stops beating, along with my breathing. This time, it was not a text about a song that reminded him of me…no, no. (Last October, his sixteen-year-old cousin Amanda was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. I hung out with and knew Amanda. Last February there was a benefit concert held for her. The theme was her own quote, “I Choose Life.” Everyone thought that she was getting better. At 10:28 am, I get the text from Shawn saying, “Since you were the first to know about Amanda, you will be the first to know again. Amanda died last night.” Every time I think of it, I feel sick to my stomach. She was only eighteen and people were optimistic that she was going to beat it. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with and around Shawn’s family. All I could think about was her at the benefit concert. I knew Amanda and then they wheeled her out, half of her body paralyzed, I crumbled; that was not the Amanda that I knew. I remember looking at Shawn and uncontrollably sobbing as he held me close. How could this of happened? She wanted to be an inspiration, she was not mad at God for having brain cancer, her faith never left her. The funeral is on Wednesday and I want to be there but I gave up my right to be with the family. I am not with Shawn, so it is no longer my place. I feel like I am all alone her though. Rodney says that he is here, and he has gone through this before. I know he has, but I want to be with Shawn. I do not know why I am feeling this way. It is like I am holding in all my tears and sorrows until I see him. I know he is holding his in as well. He and I will not see each other. We will not speak after the mourning of Amanda has dwindled. He and I cannot talk; we cannot be friends…
After hearing the news of Amanda I auto-piloted my life. I was waiting for practice to come so I could focus on something else. I did not even want to see Rodney. After practice, I went and got ready to go hang out with my team. I cannot drink, but they were playing a Canadian drinking game that I want to teach to my siblings. We will play with juice or something. I needed to get my mind off it. It is like a switch went on and I did not want to have a boyfriend. I just wanted it to be me. I wanted the freedom to go out with my girls and not have to report to anyone. If I want to stay out and sleep at Serah’s then I would; I would not have to worry about sharing time. It would just be me.
I woke up on Saturday to Tanya yelling. Apparently, she got a DUI the night before. She was stuck in a cell with twelve guys. She has all these bruises and bite marks on her neck. I did not even know what to say to her. I was just in awe, more dumbfounded than anything. I mean, what do you say to that? So, I went and got brownies, cookies, and ice cream. We had a girl’s night. I honestly did not know what to do. I can’t make it go away, I can try to make her feel better by showing that someone cares about her.
Another thing that I am noticing, everything in my life is routine. Even down to what I eat. The excitement of my life sometimes feels like it is buried in textbooks and dreams of bigger days.
O the Monday morning. I just feel like I am floating from one place to another. I talked with Shawn last night until about one in the morning. He actually said goodbye when I was half asleep. Definitely woke up tired. I needed to get my mind off Amanda. The poster from her benefit concert hangs in my room and I look at it and wonder, “Was it all for nothing?”
On a brighter note, Alex said that ASR positions are available for next year. I came to talk to him about reapplying for an RA/SRA position. The ASR is education based and themed-based among different integrated communities. He said that if there was a dictionary definition of the person he would want to run this it would be me. He said if he could clone me for all the dorms it would be perfect. He is looking at me for Anna Marm or the apartments. I want to go to the apartments to experience it and because the change would be nice. If you are not changing, you are not growing.
When Shawn and I talked last night, I asked him why he picked up the phone. He said because he was pissed about how things ended. He had no control. When he and I were in our relationship, I felt torn between my dreams and him. When I was with Shawn, my dreams did not matter; I just wanted to be with him. I can hear my dad now, “How stupid Anna.” But hot damn, I miss Shawn. I think of him often, we used to have so much fun. The fights and the bickering could have been solved, but I felt like I also had to choose between my family, especially my dad and Shawn. Shawn said he would always be a loser when he came to my dad. He was right, my dad thought he was a waste and Shawn would lose every time if I had to choose between one of them. My dad is my best friend, my rock. He is the biggest role model in my life, even though he will never accept it. When I do something great or I accomplish something, I want him to be the first to know. I want him to be proud of me.
I feel so disoriented. I am going through the motions, waiting for volleyball. Waiting to sweat and feel the pain of my achy joints and muscles. I am waiting to feel alive…It is nice out today; I think I will go for a walk.
Monday Evening:
Everything is better now. I got into the weight room, rode a few miles on the elliptical, jumped, did abs, and played. Now I feel relaxed. My body hurts, it still has not recovered from previous injuries. O well, I cannot feel it when I am playing and that is what counts. Playing went AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! None of these exclamation points expresses the amazingness that was in the gym. I enjoy how much say I get. I do run the workouts but even on the court. I matter; just like every other individual…they matter.
Rodney had a game today against York College. They got ten-runned, again. Not a good season started. He is off doing who knows what. I am here just hanging out, and I am content being by myself.
I do not need someone to complete me. I am enough by myself. I am nowhere close to wanting to be super committed or tied down. I have not done anything yet with my life. I have so much more, I am only scratching the surface of my dream. If I never get there then it all will mean nothing.
You see, in the morning, I can feel depressed but then it just goes away. It has always been like that. I never feel the same about something for a whole day….Plus, I cannot be depressed, there is too much to lose…people count on me to be there with a smile…
I feel like it has been so long since I wrote. A lot has happened.
Baseball’s conference opener was on Thursday, we lost. Lost the first game and then went into the fourteenth inning for the second game and lost. Rodney and them were pretty upset. If this is how it is going to be, it is going to be a long season…especially with Cantrell. Most of the Ju-Co players are looking at transferring next year so they do not waste it on this program. I do not blame them. We went from the best in conference to the worst…great move Bethany College…
Friday feels like a complete blur. Like a tear one a piece of paper, nothing but smudges. I have not talked to Shawn. Him and I have not had an actual conversation since Thanksgiving. Every time his number shows up on my phone, my heart feels like it stops beating, along with my breathing. This time, it was not a text about a song that reminded him of me…no, no. (Last October, his sixteen-year-old cousin Amanda was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. I hung out with and knew Amanda. Last February there was a benefit concert held for her. The theme was her own quote, “I Choose Life.” Everyone thought that she was getting better. At 10:28 am, I get the text from Shawn saying, “Since you were the first to know about Amanda, you will be the first to know again. Amanda died last night.” Every time I think of it, I feel sick to my stomach. She was only eighteen and people were optimistic that she was going to beat it. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with and around Shawn’s family. All I could think about was her at the benefit concert. I knew Amanda and then they wheeled her out, half of her body paralyzed, I crumbled; that was not the Amanda that I knew. I remember looking at Shawn and uncontrollably sobbing as he held me close. How could this of happened? She wanted to be an inspiration, she was not mad at God for having brain cancer, her faith never left her. The funeral is on Wednesday and I want to be there but I gave up my right to be with the family. I am not with Shawn, so it is no longer my place. I feel like I am all alone her though. Rodney says that he is here, and he has gone through this before. I know he has, but I want to be with Shawn. I do not know why I am feeling this way. It is like I am holding in all my tears and sorrows until I see him. I know he is holding his in as well. He and I will not see each other. We will not speak after the mourning of Amanda has dwindled. He and I cannot talk; we cannot be friends…
After hearing the news of Amanda I auto-piloted my life. I was waiting for practice to come so I could focus on something else. I did not even want to see Rodney. After practice, I went and got ready to go hang out with my team. I cannot drink, but they were playing a Canadian drinking game that I want to teach to my siblings. We will play with juice or something. I needed to get my mind off it. It is like a switch went on and I did not want to have a boyfriend. I just wanted it to be me. I wanted the freedom to go out with my girls and not have to report to anyone. If I want to stay out and sleep at Serah’s then I would; I would not have to worry about sharing time. It would just be me.
I woke up on Saturday to Tanya yelling. Apparently, she got a DUI the night before. She was stuck in a cell with twelve guys. She has all these bruises and bite marks on her neck. I did not even know what to say to her. I was just in awe, more dumbfounded than anything. I mean, what do you say to that? So, I went and got brownies, cookies, and ice cream. We had a girl’s night. I honestly did not know what to do. I can’t make it go away, I can try to make her feel better by showing that someone cares about her.
Another thing that I am noticing, everything in my life is routine. Even down to what I eat. The excitement of my life sometimes feels like it is buried in textbooks and dreams of bigger days.
O the Monday morning. I just feel like I am floating from one place to another. I talked with Shawn last night until about one in the morning. He actually said goodbye when I was half asleep. Definitely woke up tired. I needed to get my mind off Amanda. The poster from her benefit concert hangs in my room and I look at it and wonder, “Was it all for nothing?”
On a brighter note, Alex said that ASR positions are available for next year. I came to talk to him about reapplying for an RA/SRA position. The ASR is education based and themed-based among different integrated communities. He said that if there was a dictionary definition of the person he would want to run this it would be me. He said if he could clone me for all the dorms it would be perfect. He is looking at me for Anna Marm or the apartments. I want to go to the apartments to experience it and because the change would be nice. If you are not changing, you are not growing.
When Shawn and I talked last night, I asked him why he picked up the phone. He said because he was pissed about how things ended. He had no control. When he and I were in our relationship, I felt torn between my dreams and him. When I was with Shawn, my dreams did not matter; I just wanted to be with him. I can hear my dad now, “How stupid Anna.” But hot damn, I miss Shawn. I think of him often, we used to have so much fun. The fights and the bickering could have been solved, but I felt like I also had to choose between my family, especially my dad and Shawn. Shawn said he would always be a loser when he came to my dad. He was right, my dad thought he was a waste and Shawn would lose every time if I had to choose between one of them. My dad is my best friend, my rock. He is the biggest role model in my life, even though he will never accept it. When I do something great or I accomplish something, I want him to be the first to know. I want him to be proud of me.
I feel so disoriented. I am going through the motions, waiting for volleyball. Waiting to sweat and feel the pain of my achy joints and muscles. I am waiting to feel alive…It is nice out today; I think I will go for a walk.
Monday Evening:
Everything is better now. I got into the weight room, rode a few miles on the elliptical, jumped, did abs, and played. Now I feel relaxed. My body hurts, it still has not recovered from previous injuries. O well, I cannot feel it when I am playing and that is what counts. Playing went AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! None of these exclamation points expresses the amazingness that was in the gym. I enjoy how much say I get. I do run the workouts but even on the court. I matter; just like every other individual…they matter.
Rodney had a game today against York College. They got ten-runned, again. Not a good season started. He is off doing who knows what. I am here just hanging out, and I am content being by myself.
I do not need someone to complete me. I am enough by myself. I am nowhere close to wanting to be super committed or tied down. I have not done anything yet with my life. I have so much more, I am only scratching the surface of my dream. If I never get there then it all will mean nothing.
You see, in the morning, I can feel depressed but then it just goes away. It has always been like that. I never feel the same about something for a whole day….Plus, I cannot be depressed, there is too much to lose…people count on me to be there with a smile…
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
OMG ;)
March 10, 2009
So a lot has gone on this week, thankfully all good. I like had a transformation; that could be either good or bad. Well, I am starting to develop a “life”. Yes, I have one; filled with work, school, and workouts. Now I have a life that involves actual friends. Every night this week, I have stayed up late laughing with friends. I got to bed at one, on a school night. You readers laugh at this but this is an accomplishment for me. I am usually the paranoid one that must have everything in the world accomplished before even thinking about hanging out. To be honest, in the past, I had pushed hanging out to being just on the weekends. Tonight I am going to be hanging out with Leah and Serah. I am so stoked! We will get to hang out like we used to last year, I miss it a lot. I miss it more than I ever did hanging out with Josie. I think it is because Leah and Serah are more like me in a sense. In some they are opposites, but I can laugh and have a good time always, well now that everything is settled out between us. I feel like it is a place I can go and not worry about anyone judging me. I am learning that my teammates are not just teammates, they are my network of girlfriends. When I came to Bethany College this was not really a concept that was embraced amongst my prior teammates. We never did stuff like this when the old seniors were here. I feel like I have a bond with my teammates. We can laugh and joke on and off the court. We can also have deep conversations, which brings us closer on and off the court. It feels like a change these past couple of weeks since the volleyball get together. I mean, I am going to hang out with volleyball tonight, and we are going to the club on Thursday. Friday we are going midnight bowling and then Saturday night, who knows what we will get into. I LOVE THAT. I still hang out with Rodney but he and I both feel like we need to have friends and a life outside of each other. That is what will make our relationship last.
O and I had another Logic test on Wednesday, but I am pretty sure I am going to ace it; which will even further solidify my A. I am on my way of writing a proposal to the Academic Dean for two things; one to increase my scholarship since I will end this semester with my third consecutive 4.0. Second, to allow me take a summer class and not pay for it since I missed interterm and paid for that. I hear that it has not been done before. I have a hard time accepting the answer no, but I am confident that I will bring a strong case. If not, then I will reevaluate my case and go back. It never hurt to ask, so it never hurts to ask twice J
Acne is gotten a little bad, or maybe has not changed, either one
Mood: freaking ecstatic!
March 11, 2009
I got my Logic test back…95!!! Woot woot!
I got an email today from a PSI graduate named Lauren. She heard of me through Jaime Winters, who is posting an article about me for the PSI Voice (The article will be up Monday and I will attach the link). Anyway, Lauren is building a church…in Africa. She wants to know if I am interested. I was reading the email and I almost jumped out of my seat in absolute joy. I want to get the details on it, but I am praying that it works out because this is an opportunity of a lifetime!! I just get butterflies when I think about it!
I almost had a melt down…for the oddest reason. I felt like I could just fall to tears this evening. Nothing was even wrong. Maybe there was, we were scrimmaging today, and coach moved me from left to right. This probably means nothing and she is just changing up the lineup, but it got to me. It made me feel like I am not good enough to play outside. Also, I was also a little ticked because my body hurts everywhere. There is no time to relax. It started in my right hip flexor and now it is both of them, plus both my knees, plus my lower back. Who knows, I hate taking Advil but I am going to make an exception and hopefully rest up because I am dehydrated, going through hot flashes with a stuffy nose and sore throat. Oh no! I need to get better.
Another thing that bothered me today was I wish that I did not care as much as I do about grades. How I wish I could just say, “You know what I am going to learn, no matter what the grade.” Ha! I feel like it I give myself the opportunity to slack, I will. I just tell myself that someday it will not be like this. I am interested in the learning material we cover, so maybe I am learning. I like reading it; maybe I am just wiped out. Who knows? I honestly would feel like a failure if I did not meet my goal of graduating with a 4.0. It is embedded into my head somewhere, that if it is not an A then I was not trying. I just need to find a balance. Sometimes I despise it. In all reality the core to my stress is probably for my weigh in. I feel like I eat nothing, so today when I did eat something more than normal, I felt like I was going to have a bad weigh in. I need not think about such trivial causes. I need an escape, oh how convenient, Spring Break. Yep, that is what my problem is; I miss home!
I feel so much better now that my thoughts are out in the open.
Mood: A little bit of everywhere.
So a lot has gone on this week, thankfully all good. I like had a transformation; that could be either good or bad. Well, I am starting to develop a “life”. Yes, I have one; filled with work, school, and workouts. Now I have a life that involves actual friends. Every night this week, I have stayed up late laughing with friends. I got to bed at one, on a school night. You readers laugh at this but this is an accomplishment for me. I am usually the paranoid one that must have everything in the world accomplished before even thinking about hanging out. To be honest, in the past, I had pushed hanging out to being just on the weekends. Tonight I am going to be hanging out with Leah and Serah. I am so stoked! We will get to hang out like we used to last year, I miss it a lot. I miss it more than I ever did hanging out with Josie. I think it is because Leah and Serah are more like me in a sense. In some they are opposites, but I can laugh and have a good time always, well now that everything is settled out between us. I feel like it is a place I can go and not worry about anyone judging me. I am learning that my teammates are not just teammates, they are my network of girlfriends. When I came to Bethany College this was not really a concept that was embraced amongst my prior teammates. We never did stuff like this when the old seniors were here. I feel like I have a bond with my teammates. We can laugh and joke on and off the court. We can also have deep conversations, which brings us closer on and off the court. It feels like a change these past couple of weeks since the volleyball get together. I mean, I am going to hang out with volleyball tonight, and we are going to the club on Thursday. Friday we are going midnight bowling and then Saturday night, who knows what we will get into. I LOVE THAT. I still hang out with Rodney but he and I both feel like we need to have friends and a life outside of each other. That is what will make our relationship last.
O and I had another Logic test on Wednesday, but I am pretty sure I am going to ace it; which will even further solidify my A. I am on my way of writing a proposal to the Academic Dean for two things; one to increase my scholarship since I will end this semester with my third consecutive 4.0. Second, to allow me take a summer class and not pay for it since I missed interterm and paid for that. I hear that it has not been done before. I have a hard time accepting the answer no, but I am confident that I will bring a strong case. If not, then I will reevaluate my case and go back. It never hurt to ask, so it never hurts to ask twice J
Acne is gotten a little bad, or maybe has not changed, either one
Mood: freaking ecstatic!
March 11, 2009
I got my Logic test back…95!!! Woot woot!
I got an email today from a PSI graduate named Lauren. She heard of me through Jaime Winters, who is posting an article about me for the PSI Voice (The article will be up Monday and I will attach the link). Anyway, Lauren is building a church…in Africa. She wants to know if I am interested. I was reading the email and I almost jumped out of my seat in absolute joy. I want to get the details on it, but I am praying that it works out because this is an opportunity of a lifetime!! I just get butterflies when I think about it!
I almost had a melt down…for the oddest reason. I felt like I could just fall to tears this evening. Nothing was even wrong. Maybe there was, we were scrimmaging today, and coach moved me from left to right. This probably means nothing and she is just changing up the lineup, but it got to me. It made me feel like I am not good enough to play outside. Also, I was also a little ticked because my body hurts everywhere. There is no time to relax. It started in my right hip flexor and now it is both of them, plus both my knees, plus my lower back. Who knows, I hate taking Advil but I am going to make an exception and hopefully rest up because I am dehydrated, going through hot flashes with a stuffy nose and sore throat. Oh no! I need to get better.
Another thing that bothered me today was I wish that I did not care as much as I do about grades. How I wish I could just say, “You know what I am going to learn, no matter what the grade.” Ha! I feel like it I give myself the opportunity to slack, I will. I just tell myself that someday it will not be like this. I am interested in the learning material we cover, so maybe I am learning. I like reading it; maybe I am just wiped out. Who knows? I honestly would feel like a failure if I did not meet my goal of graduating with a 4.0. It is embedded into my head somewhere, that if it is not an A then I was not trying. I just need to find a balance. Sometimes I despise it. In all reality the core to my stress is probably for my weigh in. I feel like I eat nothing, so today when I did eat something more than normal, I felt like I was going to have a bad weigh in. I need not think about such trivial causes. I need an escape, oh how convenient, Spring Break. Yep, that is what my problem is; I miss home!
I feel so much better now that my thoughts are out in the open.
Mood: A little bit of everywhere.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Almost the Weekend!
March 5, 2009
Wow this week has really flown by. I get into this mode where I go through the motions and I forget what had happened. I do this when I am driving. There are hours of time that are unaccounted for simply because I just space out. This is probably not the best habit but driving by yourself in a straight line for six hours in the middle of Kansas and Eastern Colorado can sometimes be torture. In my opinion it is not bad to do this in driving but it is bad to do it in life. Coasting through life on autopilot can get you in trouble. All of a sudden, years have gone by and you wonder where all the time went. Now that I am aware that I am doing this, I can make efforts to change it.
I feel like all in all our team has become closer. This is a big change from last year and my first year. I never really felt apart of the volleyball team, I was just a member. The senior click was absolutely ridiculous. I think it is important to develop relationships off the court so that there is a bond of trust on the court. I also believe in working out as a team, even though I would much rather do it myself. I have a feeling we would have girls that would not work out at all! I like it though because I am in shape, so if a teammate falls behind, I have no problem running extra to help them out and encourage them. I believe suffering together makes a team stronger. Then you know that there are five other people on the court with you are working just as hard as you are to get better. It is hard to push yourself if no one around you is.
Amazing enough I still have not had a mental break down when it comes to school. I am still coasting through. Not because it is easy but because my time management skills are at work! I get done what I need to get done. I like it because I am busy but not stressed or overworked. This makes me feel at ease and I am sure that I am a much nicer person to be around. I mean it is little things like picking up after myself and planning ahead. All my bags are packed and ready to go the night before so that in the morning I do not have to worry about it, I just grab and go. It made it to where Rodney and I could watch a movie last night without me having to worry about everything I still have left to do. One step at a time. I have a paper due on Monday that I could start on but I think I am just going to relax. Actually, I am going to ride the elliptical and then go to practice. Somewhere in between that I am going to eat dinner.
We are supposed to have a volleyball get-together but I am on duty tonight. So what I might do is just go to Carrie’s at like ten when I no longer have to be in the lobby and hang out for a while. Rodney, me, and the six baseball players are going to see Slumdog Millionaire. I have never heard of it but it won a ton of awards. I want to go see The Uninvited but it is a scary movie and Rodney is not really into those. He actually cannot sleep at night after watching them, so I figured since we saw what I wanted to see last time; we will go see what he wants to see tonight
The dreaded anxious weigh-in is tomorrow. If I weigh in good Rodney and I are going to Neighbor’s for breakfast…YUM!
Mood:Tired but Content
Wow this week has really flown by. I get into this mode where I go through the motions and I forget what had happened. I do this when I am driving. There are hours of time that are unaccounted for simply because I just space out. This is probably not the best habit but driving by yourself in a straight line for six hours in the middle of Kansas and Eastern Colorado can sometimes be torture. In my opinion it is not bad to do this in driving but it is bad to do it in life. Coasting through life on autopilot can get you in trouble. All of a sudden, years have gone by and you wonder where all the time went. Now that I am aware that I am doing this, I can make efforts to change it.
I feel like all in all our team has become closer. This is a big change from last year and my first year. I never really felt apart of the volleyball team, I was just a member. The senior click was absolutely ridiculous. I think it is important to develop relationships off the court so that there is a bond of trust on the court. I also believe in working out as a team, even though I would much rather do it myself. I have a feeling we would have girls that would not work out at all! I like it though because I am in shape, so if a teammate falls behind, I have no problem running extra to help them out and encourage them. I believe suffering together makes a team stronger. Then you know that there are five other people on the court with you are working just as hard as you are to get better. It is hard to push yourself if no one around you is.
Amazing enough I still have not had a mental break down when it comes to school. I am still coasting through. Not because it is easy but because my time management skills are at work! I get done what I need to get done. I like it because I am busy but not stressed or overworked. This makes me feel at ease and I am sure that I am a much nicer person to be around. I mean it is little things like picking up after myself and planning ahead. All my bags are packed and ready to go the night before so that in the morning I do not have to worry about it, I just grab and go. It made it to where Rodney and I could watch a movie last night without me having to worry about everything I still have left to do. One step at a time. I have a paper due on Monday that I could start on but I think I am just going to relax. Actually, I am going to ride the elliptical and then go to practice. Somewhere in between that I am going to eat dinner.
We are supposed to have a volleyball get-together but I am on duty tonight. So what I might do is just go to Carrie’s at like ten when I no longer have to be in the lobby and hang out for a while. Rodney, me, and the six baseball players are going to see Slumdog Millionaire. I have never heard of it but it won a ton of awards. I want to go see The Uninvited but it is a scary movie and Rodney is not really into those. He actually cannot sleep at night after watching them, so I figured since we saw what I wanted to see last time; we will go see what he wants to see tonight
The dreaded anxious weigh-in is tomorrow. If I weigh in good Rodney and I are going to Neighbor’s for breakfast…YUM!
Mood:Tired but Content
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Mondays Are Rarely Something to Be Excited About
March 2, 2009
Even though I felt rested I was just really quiet today. My Logic class is starting to confuse me and we have a test on Monday. We have to memorize seventeen different fallacies. O my. I just get them all confused. I am going to have to rely on my skill in B.S.ing my way through. Well I guess one could call it persuasion through intellectual thought. Yes, that is what we will call it!
I am wiped out physically and mentally. We lifted six lifts all consisting of legs. How stupid first of all. We did squats, squat jumps, and single leg squat. This is just to give you and idea of this workout. We also lift four times a week. On top of that, today we did abs, plyometrics, jumping program and played. I was so wiped out, not because it was hard but it took four hours. I also rode four and a half miles on the elliptical.
I did not get my bulletin board done either for this month. I said that I was going to do it Friday night but we ended up having a girl’s night instead. No one in Anna Marm has done it because we are all so drained. I feel like I have failed in some way though, not meeting a deadline. My dad would definitely be disappointed. I am going to try and get it done by tomorrow night, even though we have until Friday. I just feel like it reflects badly on my character.
Shawn text me today, out of the blue, apologizing for “being kind of an ass the other day.” He and I do not talk but random texts seem to fly both ways every once in a while. It started out talking about a song by Hinder called, “The Best is Yet to Come.” Apparently when he hears the chorus, he is saying it to me. I find this hard to believe because I do not remember him being that supportive EVER. So then we argued. Finally I just stopped it. It is so childish and I am so over it. He was a big part in my life but now he is in the past. I would not mind talking with him, but relationship wise, I am done. As I study more and more in to my degrees I can identify the relationship we had. We call it Mania. Were the two people have jealous, possessive love and get stomach aches frequently, which him and I did all the time. There was an entire month of my life my freshman year where I was sick to my stomach all of the time and I did not know why, now I know. Along with some other things I have learned in previous classes, him and I were not meant to be together. He and I need to accept the fact that we were not functional because of the things that have happened in the past. We both want different things…
I am not looking for a commitment. I am 19 years old who cannot even commit myself to a favorite color, let alone to someone else. I am exclusive with Rodney, he is my boyfriend. Him and I both have a lot of living left to do before we go off and get married. Yep, a lot to do…What I love is that Rodney and I are completely content with that. There is no need to rush. I am still discovering and finding who I am and what I want out of life.
Even though I felt rested I was just really quiet today. My Logic class is starting to confuse me and we have a test on Monday. We have to memorize seventeen different fallacies. O my. I just get them all confused. I am going to have to rely on my skill in B.S.ing my way through. Well I guess one could call it persuasion through intellectual thought. Yes, that is what we will call it!
I am wiped out physically and mentally. We lifted six lifts all consisting of legs. How stupid first of all. We did squats, squat jumps, and single leg squat. This is just to give you and idea of this workout. We also lift four times a week. On top of that, today we did abs, plyometrics, jumping program and played. I was so wiped out, not because it was hard but it took four hours. I also rode four and a half miles on the elliptical.
I did not get my bulletin board done either for this month. I said that I was going to do it Friday night but we ended up having a girl’s night instead. No one in Anna Marm has done it because we are all so drained. I feel like I have failed in some way though, not meeting a deadline. My dad would definitely be disappointed. I am going to try and get it done by tomorrow night, even though we have until Friday. I just feel like it reflects badly on my character.
Shawn text me today, out of the blue, apologizing for “being kind of an ass the other day.” He and I do not talk but random texts seem to fly both ways every once in a while. It started out talking about a song by Hinder called, “The Best is Yet to Come.” Apparently when he hears the chorus, he is saying it to me. I find this hard to believe because I do not remember him being that supportive EVER. So then we argued. Finally I just stopped it. It is so childish and I am so over it. He was a big part in my life but now he is in the past. I would not mind talking with him, but relationship wise, I am done. As I study more and more in to my degrees I can identify the relationship we had. We call it Mania. Were the two people have jealous, possessive love and get stomach aches frequently, which him and I did all the time. There was an entire month of my life my freshman year where I was sick to my stomach all of the time and I did not know why, now I know. Along with some other things I have learned in previous classes, him and I were not meant to be together. He and I need to accept the fact that we were not functional because of the things that have happened in the past. We both want different things…
I am not looking for a commitment. I am 19 years old who cannot even commit myself to a favorite color, let alone to someone else. I am exclusive with Rodney, he is my boyfriend. Him and I both have a lot of living left to do before we go off and get married. Yep, a lot to do…What I love is that Rodney and I are completely content with that. There is no need to rush. I am still discovering and finding who I am and what I want out of life.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The Necessary Weekend
March 1, 2009
So I went to play volleyball on Friday and it was a complete and total pick on Anna day. Leah and I do not get along. It is not because of on-the-court issue it is off the court. However, I do not even know what the problem is, but every time Leah or Serah got the ball it went to me. There was one point where I took 11 serve receive passes in a row. When I shanked or messed up they would look at me with a glare and cheer. I asked Leah in the locker room if there was anyway that her and I could fix the whole mess and resolve the issue. She said, “Hmmm…no, probably not, sorry.” I was trying not to cry as I left the gym. Coach said she saw me do some good things, which made me feel good. I did not even want to go to the team dinner. I did not want to be anywhere near my team. I saw myself going through this season and hating it. You never want someone to fake that they like you. It creates a hostile environment along with control issues. I did not even know Leah had a problem with me until about a week ago when she got on me for having a constant scheduling conflict for Sunday night study hall.
I get to the house and she is pretending to be nice to me. Everyone that was not in the senior click left the dinner around 7:30, but I stayed. I am so glad I did. The dinner started at six and I left around ten thirty and that was just because Tanya was at Rodney’s house with a milkshake from Bogey’s. We all started laughing and talking. They were taking chocolate cake shots (combination of sucking on a lemon with sugar after a shot of alcohol). I cannot drink because of the medication, but Serah baked a chocolate cake with strawberries and bananas, iced with whipped cream. YUM! She said I could have the first piece since I could not participate in the team shot taking. She called me, “Anna Baby”, something she has not called me in forever. We are goofy girls and had a blast. When I left there were hugs and everything. Leah text me when I got home and said that she had a really fun time hanging out with me, that we should hang out next weekend, and that when it comes to being teammates we are cool. That made me so happy. I did not know if it was the alcohol talking but then we talked today and laughed like we were friends. I am glad that I took the initiative, it paid off and we are going to have a kick ass season in the fall. Being close to all of them makes me want to play. This is going to be our best season yet. There are not segregated clicks like there were last year. The Varsity all get along and hang out. Last year we hardly ever did team stuff.
One thing I did notice and I am not sure on how I feel is. If I do something then the people around me will also. Hannahberger was so shocked that I did it. I did it and then Megan and Kristi followed. It is like if I am around there is no talk or participation in drinking, smoking, or sex. Me coming out for the night helped clear that up, and makes me feel like I have friends. As weird and awkward as that sounds.
Rodney played the number one team in the nation on Friday. It was 0-0 in the bottom of the seventh. (When we played them the first time we lost 19-6). All of a sudden, Larson makes four errors in a row and we lose 0-5. No one even talked to Larson. He is our problem player. He came in thinking he was going to bat over 400 every game but he makes so many errors on the field and is not even a good hitter. He is our short stop and coach’s pride and joy. Ridiculous! Rodney came home really mad. He said he ended up drinking until five talking baseball with Schlepp and Brian; they did not get home until at 3:30.
In the morning we got ready to go to Kansas City to see Carissa. Out of no where she calls me and asks me to be her Maid of Honor in her wedding. I am totally so happy! I do not know what all goes into being a maid of honor but I am going to try my best to be there and help her. Her wedding is October 3rd, right in the beginning of season, but I thought about it and she should not have to plan “her” day around her family, because this is her special day and she only gets one I was actually taken back by the fact that she asked me. A few years ago we did not really even have a relationship because we fought all the time. She was the one person that I looked up to my whole childhood; I wanted to be just like her. She got involved with the wrong crowd and starting using some heavy drugs. I remember, her and I were working at the restaurant and everything was fine…all of a sudden she stormed off. I was 14. We changed the locks at our house and she left for Kansas City to be with her dad. That was the first time I had to take her off the pedestal of being an older sister and put her on the level of being a human being of free will. She is nothing like that now. She is amazing, her life is all together and she has a man that loves her more than anything. I love watching them interact, it is so positive; they bring out the best in each other. I am so happy for them to finally be getting married.
We went out to eat at the Olive Garden that night, but during the day we just hung out and talked. That is what I like the most. I go to Kansas City to just relax. There are no worries in the world (school), it is just time to let loose and have a good time. I am going back up there after Spring Break to help her pick out things for the wedding.
It is always a long drive back, and I had to work at five. I have to bust my butt into gear. I have had two bad eating weekends and it seems like I have not lost anything. So we will see by next weekend weigh in.
The only apparent symptoms are the bumps on my upper arms and more scattered bumps on my legs. I think I have them because my skin is just dry. I have a plethora of them on my left arm all because my backpack slid down my arm. I was wearing a hoodie and everything but an unmistakable burning feeling lingered after the backpack incident, now I can visibly see the red bumps.
Mood: Sleepy Determined
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