February 26, 2009
The week has gone by so fast, just like it always does. I wore my glasses yesterday. I put on makeup and did my hair just incase the glasses looked bad. I also put on something other than sweats and a t-shirt. Well the glasses were a hit! Some of my teammates had to take a double take because they have never seen me with glasses. Overall it was good. A friend of mine also said I looked ravishing. Silly boys, but I do enjoy the compliments. It will take Rodney awhile to get used to them but over time he will adjust. I think I am getting hydrated again because my lips are not as chapped and the sides of my mouth are no longer cracked.
I have also put on a little weight. Probably because of this weekend; this was to be expected because I consumed a village worth of food. I am sure my weigh in will be fine, I will have to back track some. Also I am drinking a ton of water now. People on my team have asked me if I have lost weight and I gladly tell them yes. Last weekend was to show that I cannot eat like that if I want the results. It is a learning experience. We are having a volleyball dinner, tomorrow, the night before my weigh in. I think I am just going to bring my dinner with me; an apple and an instant breakfast. They will be having spaghetti and chocolate cake.
My mom called last night just to talk and we talked for forty-five minutes. I loved it. We talked about a lot of things about home but then we brought up the topic of Lent. I like what she said, ‘It’s not always something you have to give up, you can do something good too.” I did not know what I was going to give up for Lent but I have decided for the course of Lent I am going to take Brian, Rodney’s best friend, as a person instead of the loser I think he is. I am going to get to know Brian instead of judging him on his habits. We will see, day one has started off on the right foot.
Josh and I have been emailing a lot back and forth. He makes me smile every time I read his emails. He thinks the same way that I do and it is nice to talk about similar beliefs. He is a very driven young man and he is confident about it. However, I am definitely checking my facebook more often to see if he has emailed me. In a sense this could be bad, but it is harmless emails about our favorite things and what we want out of college and life. It is just a friendship but at Bethany College every little thing can turn into a forest fire within seconds. I thought about it some more. Josh is tall, cute, and funny but he is not Rodney. It is fun to email back and forth, but Rodney treats me so well, he cares about me, and there is nothing I would change in my life. Rodney is not replaceable, even if Josh has all of those stellar qualities. I know what it is like to be manipulated, brokenhearted, not good enough and treated like shit. Never for a second have I felt any of these things. I enjoy being a part of his life and having him a part of mine. I enjoy watching, talking and reminiscing baseball. However, if my socks are off it means absolutely no baseball talk. All of which I did not enjoy before. I think it is because he makes me a priority too. Even though I know his schedule better than he does, that is my baseball role in a way. I also enjoy how we never fight, we have disputes but we talk them out, always. I just…cherish him.
My relationship map is finally complete. It is a good project but what I see in my head is not necessarily what I see on paper or shoe box to be exact. This is just a draft. It is a good start; I have been thinking about it and sketching this for a couple of weeks. I think I took Isaacson by surprise but then not really. He said that it was, “A very Alexis thing to do.” I wish my parents could meet him. I already am starting to plot my final project. I love my classes! All of them, they shape me. I am so into my degrees, because I am learning about the subjects, but with things like the relationship map, I am learning about myself; which to me is the most important thing in college. Some communications professor told me repeatedly once that there was more to college than A’s, I laughed. There is, I see the error of my ways. I had to see it, not be advised, this way I believe it and I live by it. Do not worry; my 4.0 GPA is still a goal along with many other things.
Josie and I have talked a lot this week, compared to other weeks. I am noticing that me being at lunch is way in which me and Josie stay in touch and catch up. She and I are both so busy. We are both free spirited and still close. We are planning to hangout soon, hopefully. She has track every weekend, o well I have baseball.
I am going to Kansas City for the weekend to see Carissa. I am super stoked because I miss her!!and ER. We are going on a double date…yum yum.
Mood: Healthy in body, mind and spirit
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday February 23
Anna! Anna! Where are you?! I know, I have been gone for a whole week.
Let’s get the symptoms out of the way…face is looking a lot better! Not so much red but sometimes burning when I put moisturizer on. It is bearable but definitely zero fun. (SIDENOTE- so Isaacson taught me how to spell definitely. There is a website that has every other possible way of spelling it and then the correct way and I remembered! Normally, if I do not know how to spell a word then I will not use it at all…it is like a new door opened to my vocabulary.) Anyways, I am starting to wear make up like three times a week, nothing to catastrophic yet. I go in on Wednesday for the appointment to get my refill. The only symptom that hurts the worst is the sides of my mouth. Eating today was so painful. I had a sandwich and every time I went to open my mouth it felt like my mouth was tearing. I am putting Neosporin on for that. My ring worm is gone. However, I have a plethora of red bumps on my limbs, mostly my calves. I just keep putting lotion on, and trying to cover them the best way I can. Now onto the good stuff…my life
My little sister had her seventeenth birthday this week. It makes me sad that I had to miss it but she was with her best friend so I do not feel so bad about not being there. She told me everything went too fast and all I could tell her was that it always will go fast, if not faster. I said that it goes faster when you are doing something with your life and when you are busy. I am so proud of her. Even though she and I disagree on study habits, how dirty or clean a room should be, she is going be unbelievable. She has that “Win at all costs” attitude. This will take her far, sure she could treat her younger siblings different but I know I was the same way when I was her age. Now all I do is miss my siblings. Home is not home until I get a giant, breathtaking hug from my little brother Zach. He is the one I am most curious about; he is the one I want to get to know. His mind is witty, superior, and one of a kind. He is tall as a tree and full of love. Hot damn, I miss him so much. Then there is Jacob. I am learning about his type of personality in my learning class. They call him an oppositional child. Jacob is smart and he has the potential to be a better athlete than any of us kids…he just has to want it. He gets mad at the littlest thing and he holds onto it. He lies and some days I swear his only objective is to make people upset. I do not understand it, but I want to. The only cure for kids like Jacob is to replace a bad habit with a new one. This sounds time consuming…well it is. It is something that has to be done constantly every day. Honestly, I do not think my parents have the time or patience. It is about bringing out the good in Jacob instead of always referring to the bad that he has done or probably will do. I wish I was there to be there for him. I admit he can make me so mad sometimes, I preach all the time that you are the only one that can make you upset…well then I make myself very upset sometimes.
I will be home in less than a month! I am excited to see my parents, to talk for hours with my dad about nothing and everything. I wish my mom and I had a stronger relationship. We spent eighty percent of my life arguing, even when I was little. We always conflicted, just because I way too stubborn with a big mouth. She and I did not really click until I left for college. She and I are emotionally connected, it takes a lot for me to cry but if she cries than automatically I lose it...every time. I should not of given her such a hard time, she has been through things I will never be through. When I was in high school success to me was going to college with the works to go along with it like scholarships. So then she was not a success, hell I am wishing, hoping, and praying that I can half the mom she is. I look up to her more than I ever show. Success is not measured by how many A’s you have, or how many degrees you acquire. Success to me is doing what you want in your life, supporting the people around you and loving every minute. Success is self measured. I pulled a complete dick move yesterday. She called and she was asking about my Accutane and my glasses. I was flooded with homework and was trying to get done, so I could go to the baseball game that I was already late for. I snapped at her which I should not of. I hung up the phone and was going to text her about it but I did not. I guess it just bothered me that since I have been back she has not called just to talk…just to see what is up; probably because she knows I am flooded busy. I have talked to my dad a couple of times. I think that they just read my blog and that is sufficient enough. Why call when they can read about my day and everything else going on in my head. It is okay though because I can express things through a keyboard that I would not be able to express in person. Also when I type it, I can remember it and share it without forgetting it.
(SO…I learned from my mom at an early age; never mix black and brown. And NEVER mix black with dark blue…There are people here whose mothers did not teach them that…funny how certain things you will always remember.)
Another person that I cannot wait to see is Hunter. He is hands down my best friend in the whole world! I love him just as much as I love my own siblings. Even though I do not agree with the choices he is making in life, specifically his extracurricular activities, he still is number one. That is the awkward thing about best friends, you can influence them but you can never change them and if you try, you could end up losing them in the process. I am pretty sure every girl he has at his house has distaste for me. I am the only girl that has a picture up in his room; it is one that he and I took at my 16th birthday party. This is the best friend who I can tell absolutely anything to and vice versa. To be frank, there are things that I did not want to know about him but I do nonetheless. This is one person I do not judge because he is so close to me.. Is there sexual tension, I know everyone that knows us wonders this. Does he find me attractive? Yes. His friends ask him why he and I never dated. The thought really never crossed our minds. I know that I have an attractive best friend. However, laying together watching a movie or falling asleep in the same bed is just the same as if I did it with my siblings. All him and I really say when people look at us awkward for the way we act, because we are very close and comfortable with each other, we just tell them that if something was going to happen, it would have happened already…we know to much about the other person now. My other best friend, who I have a matching tattoo with, well her and I have grown somewhat apart. She is what I call a “sayer”. She says that she is going to do this and that and this and that but NOTHING ever happens. I am a doer…I do things, if I want something I work to get it. So in a way it makes it hard and she criticizes the hell out of everything I do. I love her and she is still one of my closest friends, she just has a new best friend that she is inseparable with that can be there for her. As long as she is happy…
I had a pretty fun weekend…we barbequed, and I found out that I like barbeque sauce…all these years my dad has been making me plain ribs. What was I thinking? Rodney soaked them in a special mixture of sauces over night. Yeah I weighed in at 154.2, the lowest I have been since freshman year of high school. Woot, woot! It does not seem that way but…anyways, this was my meal to get down…I had four barbequed ribs, two plain, a pork chop, beans, green beans, chips and queso, with about a half a pan of brownies. What is sad is that I am not full yet. I stopped eating though….I had a terrible eating weekend, but I am just going to say it was for a good cause…a healthy body and a baseball filled weekend.
I get my Learning test back tomorrow, but I got my Logic test back today…89%. So my day was almost ruined…I was seven tenths of a point away from an A. This is the hardest but most rewarding class I have ever taken. To me, if it is not an A then it might as well be an F. I learned that from my dad. He always demanded perfection but I could never attain it. It is funny how the mind set follows me. With two consecutive 4.0 semesters, I am looking to making this one number three. He never told me to get a 4.0 in college, I just want one. However, I do not ever get tired of telling him about my goals, in most ways there are the same as his.
I was in the library last night and the guy that told me I was weird in the training room a few weeks ago was in there, his name is Josh. He and I usually say hello to each other. He walks in and looks at me as he sits down and says, “Your face looks good…Wow that was an awkward compliment.” I just smiled and said thank you. He went to Cherokee Trails and even though him and I are at the same school it is like we are rivals still well not so much anymore since we talked for about two hours.
Mood: Tired with tons to do
Let’s get the symptoms out of the way…face is looking a lot better! Not so much red but sometimes burning when I put moisturizer on. It is bearable but definitely zero fun. (SIDENOTE- so Isaacson taught me how to spell definitely. There is a website that has every other possible way of spelling it and then the correct way and I remembered! Normally, if I do not know how to spell a word then I will not use it at all…it is like a new door opened to my vocabulary.) Anyways, I am starting to wear make up like three times a week, nothing to catastrophic yet. I go in on Wednesday for the appointment to get my refill. The only symptom that hurts the worst is the sides of my mouth. Eating today was so painful. I had a sandwich and every time I went to open my mouth it felt like my mouth was tearing. I am putting Neosporin on for that. My ring worm is gone. However, I have a plethora of red bumps on my limbs, mostly my calves. I just keep putting lotion on, and trying to cover them the best way I can. Now onto the good stuff…my life
My little sister had her seventeenth birthday this week. It makes me sad that I had to miss it but she was with her best friend so I do not feel so bad about not being there. She told me everything went too fast and all I could tell her was that it always will go fast, if not faster. I said that it goes faster when you are doing something with your life and when you are busy. I am so proud of her. Even though she and I disagree on study habits, how dirty or clean a room should be, she is going be unbelievable. She has that “Win at all costs” attitude. This will take her far, sure she could treat her younger siblings different but I know I was the same way when I was her age. Now all I do is miss my siblings. Home is not home until I get a giant, breathtaking hug from my little brother Zach. He is the one I am most curious about; he is the one I want to get to know. His mind is witty, superior, and one of a kind. He is tall as a tree and full of love. Hot damn, I miss him so much. Then there is Jacob. I am learning about his type of personality in my learning class. They call him an oppositional child. Jacob is smart and he has the potential to be a better athlete than any of us kids…he just has to want it. He gets mad at the littlest thing and he holds onto it. He lies and some days I swear his only objective is to make people upset. I do not understand it, but I want to. The only cure for kids like Jacob is to replace a bad habit with a new one. This sounds time consuming…well it is. It is something that has to be done constantly every day. Honestly, I do not think my parents have the time or patience. It is about bringing out the good in Jacob instead of always referring to the bad that he has done or probably will do. I wish I was there to be there for him. I admit he can make me so mad sometimes, I preach all the time that you are the only one that can make you upset…well then I make myself very upset sometimes.
I will be home in less than a month! I am excited to see my parents, to talk for hours with my dad about nothing and everything. I wish my mom and I had a stronger relationship. We spent eighty percent of my life arguing, even when I was little. We always conflicted, just because I way too stubborn with a big mouth. She and I did not really click until I left for college. She and I are emotionally connected, it takes a lot for me to cry but if she cries than automatically I lose it...every time. I should not of given her such a hard time, she has been through things I will never be through. When I was in high school success to me was going to college with the works to go along with it like scholarships. So then she was not a success, hell I am wishing, hoping, and praying that I can half the mom she is. I look up to her more than I ever show. Success is not measured by how many A’s you have, or how many degrees you acquire. Success to me is doing what you want in your life, supporting the people around you and loving every minute. Success is self measured. I pulled a complete dick move yesterday. She called and she was asking about my Accutane and my glasses. I was flooded with homework and was trying to get done, so I could go to the baseball game that I was already late for. I snapped at her which I should not of. I hung up the phone and was going to text her about it but I did not. I guess it just bothered me that since I have been back she has not called just to talk…just to see what is up; probably because she knows I am flooded busy. I have talked to my dad a couple of times. I think that they just read my blog and that is sufficient enough. Why call when they can read about my day and everything else going on in my head. It is okay though because I can express things through a keyboard that I would not be able to express in person. Also when I type it, I can remember it and share it without forgetting it.
(SO…I learned from my mom at an early age; never mix black and brown. And NEVER mix black with dark blue…There are people here whose mothers did not teach them that…funny how certain things you will always remember.)
Another person that I cannot wait to see is Hunter. He is hands down my best friend in the whole world! I love him just as much as I love my own siblings. Even though I do not agree with the choices he is making in life, specifically his extracurricular activities, he still is number one. That is the awkward thing about best friends, you can influence them but you can never change them and if you try, you could end up losing them in the process. I am pretty sure every girl he has at his house has distaste for me. I am the only girl that has a picture up in his room; it is one that he and I took at my 16th birthday party. This is the best friend who I can tell absolutely anything to and vice versa. To be frank, there are things that I did not want to know about him but I do nonetheless. This is one person I do not judge because he is so close to me.. Is there sexual tension, I know everyone that knows us wonders this. Does he find me attractive? Yes. His friends ask him why he and I never dated. The thought really never crossed our minds. I know that I have an attractive best friend. However, laying together watching a movie or falling asleep in the same bed is just the same as if I did it with my siblings. All him and I really say when people look at us awkward for the way we act, because we are very close and comfortable with each other, we just tell them that if something was going to happen, it would have happened already…we know to much about the other person now. My other best friend, who I have a matching tattoo with, well her and I have grown somewhat apart. She is what I call a “sayer”. She says that she is going to do this and that and this and that but NOTHING ever happens. I am a doer…I do things, if I want something I work to get it. So in a way it makes it hard and she criticizes the hell out of everything I do. I love her and she is still one of my closest friends, she just has a new best friend that she is inseparable with that can be there for her. As long as she is happy…
I had a pretty fun weekend…we barbequed, and I found out that I like barbeque sauce…all these years my dad has been making me plain ribs. What was I thinking? Rodney soaked them in a special mixture of sauces over night. Yeah I weighed in at 154.2, the lowest I have been since freshman year of high school. Woot, woot! It does not seem that way but…anyways, this was my meal to get down…I had four barbequed ribs, two plain, a pork chop, beans, green beans, chips and queso, with about a half a pan of brownies. What is sad is that I am not full yet. I stopped eating though….I had a terrible eating weekend, but I am just going to say it was for a good cause…a healthy body and a baseball filled weekend.
I get my Learning test back tomorrow, but I got my Logic test back today…89%. So my day was almost ruined…I was seven tenths of a point away from an A. This is the hardest but most rewarding class I have ever taken. To me, if it is not an A then it might as well be an F. I learned that from my dad. He always demanded perfection but I could never attain it. It is funny how the mind set follows me. With two consecutive 4.0 semesters, I am looking to making this one number three. He never told me to get a 4.0 in college, I just want one. However, I do not ever get tired of telling him about my goals, in most ways there are the same as his.
I was in the library last night and the guy that told me I was weird in the training room a few weeks ago was in there, his name is Josh. He and I usually say hello to each other. He walks in and looks at me as he sits down and says, “Your face looks good…Wow that was an awkward compliment.” I just smiled and said thank you. He went to Cherokee Trails and even though him and I are at the same school it is like we are rivals still well not so much anymore since we talked for about two hours.
Mood: Tired with tons to do
Monday, February 16, 2009
A New Week
So i have hit passed the twenty day mark of my Accutane!! No thoughts of suicide, always seems to be a good sign. :) Those spots that I have been telling you about have nothing to do with the Accutane...I have ring worm. O joy, right. Nurses and my dad are saying that it is from uncleanliness and sad to say, there is only one place that I can think of...however, I do not want to pass judgement because I do not even live there and I am the only was that has it; even though Rodney's house is a disaster...typical college males.
Rodney and I talked briefly this morning but it was semi-awkward because we were not on good terms from the previous night. He ended up falling asleep at 10:30 last night and since he was mad at me I was waiting for him to contact me...I ended up playing racquetball with Kenneth so I did not text him after practice. Basically it was a big huge miscommunication. I invited him to lunch so that him and I could forget the whole thing and start fresh. That, however, was not in his agenda. He wanted to talk it out; which is an odd concept for me...For the first hour it was a conversation that all I wanted to do was figure out a way to end it. Then the real reason came out, I mean he was upset about me calling him a dork on accident and then not text him back. He was scared that I was going to just leave him because he never has time for me and because things sometimes get hard. But I was talking to Tanya about it and Schlepp heard and the combination of what they told Rodney made him believe that I had had enough of this relationship. If there was something like that he would have heard it from me, stories get over exaggerated! He is just really stressed with baseball and school. So drama with me was probably over the top, I am supposed to be the stable happy thing in his life, not another stress bringer.
Volleyball went well. I like it when we do plyometrics. We did planks today and i never would of thought that holding a position for forty-five seconds would be so hard and physically demanding. I went to the training room after, the stem treatment near my right hip flexor area helped. I feel like I am falling apart, my whole back hurts, my shoulder, i have pulled muscles in my groin area and my shin splints ,of all things, is returning. I enjoy it though, and it does not hurt when I am playing so the remedy must be to play more volleyball :). I know that this is not the cure but I have Saturday to rest from volleyball. The volleyball button is starting to click where i do not mind being in the gym all the time. I think it is because I am on top of things both in school and volleyball so I am not getting overwhelmed. We will see after this week after my two tests in Logic and Learning.
Mood: Ho Hum
Rodney and I talked briefly this morning but it was semi-awkward because we were not on good terms from the previous night. He ended up falling asleep at 10:30 last night and since he was mad at me I was waiting for him to contact me...I ended up playing racquetball with Kenneth so I did not text him after practice. Basically it was a big huge miscommunication. I invited him to lunch so that him and I could forget the whole thing and start fresh. That, however, was not in his agenda. He wanted to talk it out; which is an odd concept for me...For the first hour it was a conversation that all I wanted to do was figure out a way to end it. Then the real reason came out, I mean he was upset about me calling him a dork on accident and then not text him back. He was scared that I was going to just leave him because he never has time for me and because things sometimes get hard. But I was talking to Tanya about it and Schlepp heard and the combination of what they told Rodney made him believe that I had had enough of this relationship. If there was something like that he would have heard it from me, stories get over exaggerated! He is just really stressed with baseball and school. So drama with me was probably over the top, I am supposed to be the stable happy thing in his life, not another stress bringer.
Volleyball went well. I like it when we do plyometrics. We did planks today and i never would of thought that holding a position for forty-five seconds would be so hard and physically demanding. I went to the training room after, the stem treatment near my right hip flexor area helped. I feel like I am falling apart, my whole back hurts, my shoulder, i have pulled muscles in my groin area and my shin splints ,of all things, is returning. I enjoy it though, and it does not hurt when I am playing so the remedy must be to play more volleyball :). I know that this is not the cure but I have Saturday to rest from volleyball. The volleyball button is starting to click where i do not mind being in the gym all the time. I think it is because I am on top of things both in school and volleyball so I am not getting overwhelmed. We will see after this week after my two tests in Logic and Learning.
Mood: Ho Hum
Sunday, February 15, 2009
The Weekend
February 14-15, 2009
Well last year has officially started over again. Today is the home opener for the Bethany College baseball team. They have switched it up though; they are going to play a 1-9 today. Rodney says that if they lose then we are not going to have a Valentine’s Day date. I just laugh and say that I will eat all of his chocolate. I was late getting to the game; I was in that certain mood I had been waiting for so I could write my second blog. The mood came about when I was getting Rodney’s things together for tonight. Specifically I was decorating the bag that his presents were going to go in. I got to the card and I wanted to put little quotes in it so I went on the internet to turn some up. There were a couple that I really liked but then there were two in particular that hit me like a brick wall. One of them said, “Love is Forever…” this is the quote that immediately made me think back to Shawn. It makes me wonder if he and I did ever loved at all. That is silly, I know we did, when it was there we had something but him and I are in different parts of life, both pursuing and loving other people. The second quote was, “You do not marry the one you can life with; you marry the one you can’t live without.” I will admit that sometimes Shawn will cross my mind. Not in a way where I want what we had but I just think about him…if you read the second blog you will be able to see that in a way I felt like I lost more than a boyfriend. Even in my teen years, I feel like I had genuine feelings of love. I lost apart of me, I lost a best friend. Break ups are almost like that other person died because all forms of communication have ceased, and anything that you have ever done together becomes a moment for reminiscing and sometimes tears. This blog that I wrote is grammatically a mess. I told myself that my heart would take over the keyboard and I was going to spill everything that I was feeling at the moment. In all actuality, I knew that if I reread it then I would not post the blog at all; feelings of shame or guilt come as a result of the words. I feel like they are feelings that need to leave me, so I write about them so they can be out in the open. I learned in my first communication class about a Jaharian window, basically I do not want anything to be in the hidden self but for it to be in the open self. I want my life to be an open text, for questions, interpretations and insight. Though there are some things that I am ashamed of, I do not want to feel like I have to hide anything. I felt like that growing up sometimes, I had to hide a thought or feeling that my parents disapproved of. My parents and I always battled when it came to Shawn. I would push back, but they were my parents so I eventually caved in. I wonder what would have happened if I acted only on my feelings instead of how the people around me would have reacted. Do not get me wrong, I do not regret anything, there are things that I wish I would have done differently, but ultimately I cannot change them so I accept them and do not resent them.
Anyways, back to the baseball game…Well I do not know where in the name our baseball team was but it was not focused. I sat by Jenny until she had to go to work and then I went into the press box and controlled the walk out songs for the game. Rodney pitched and he was doing well but for some reason he got pulled, so that a freshman could come in and pitch. Coach said it was because of the left-handed hitter that was up to bat next. However, Rodney had to take the loss for the game. I honestly thought that he and I were not going out to eat but we did. Well, being the romantic couple we are we went to try out this place we had been planning to try out called Coyote Canyon. It is the local version of the Golden Corral. It was okay, but it was no Golden Corral that is for sure. Nonetheless, we decided to have a contest on who could eat the most…silly Rodney. He had me until it was time for dessert. He had a cinnamon roll and a brownie…I had a brownie, a piece of carrot cake, a piece of chocolate cake, some of a piece of hot fudge cake, part of his cinnamon roll with some milk. When it comes to me and dessert there is no such thing as defeat. I wanted to go to Bogey’s afterward so that I could get my milkshake but Rodney was so full that he said no.
When we got back to the house we exchanged gifts. Earlier in the week we had made stuffed animals for each other and then we separately ended up buying chocolate for the other person but we shared. That is when I reached my full point. I could not even move, it hurt to move, I was so full. We watched Blood Diamond, but half way through Rodney fell asleep on his couch. So did Schlepp, he fell asleep with his video game controller in his hand, one of the cutest things I have ever seen.
O side note, I weighed in at 156 this morning, o yeah baby. I have not been this weight since June before my senior year. If I get down to 154 it will be the lightest I have been since I was a freshman in high school! I know it should not matter, but it matters to me…I have a gorgeous mother and a skinny atheletic sister, whether they know it or not it was really hard growing up around it. My awesome weigh-in was the reason I felt the having an eating contest was necessary. Even though, I honestly cannot really tell the difference between me now and me thirteen pounds heavier in September. O well there is much more important things to focus about. I am scared for my next weigh in because I am wandering into unclaimed territory…
The next day I took the time to sleep in. There is a draft that blows in through my window so it is always cold in my room in the morning. I worked out and attempted to do homework, but ended up writing in my other blog. I feel a lot better now that it is out in the open. Shawn read it…he was upset at the first two posts and that is all I heard about it. O and then he concluded with saying that I did not lose anything, I did not want it. I guess if I take a close look at it that is what it is. He is right though, I guess I did not want what he was offering because I was too busy living and thinking of me; that is where my biggest flaw lies. I am aware of this, there are goals that I have in my life and a place where I see myself and nothing will get in the way of that.
Rodney and I talked about academics and he said that he would rather have a social life…and well I never really had a huge social life because I am so wrapped up in school and every other thing there was to do on the planet. Everything comes with a price; I do hang out but not every day, maybe like a day of the week. There is always something that could be done to make you better.
I went to the first game and we killed them, 11-1. I do not know what happened yesterday. Tanya and I went back to my dorm so that I could make the boys cookies for after the game. She and I talked about her and Brian. She also asked me if I knew how much Rodney loved me. I just sheepishly looked at her and said probably not. You see, Rodney is a different kind of man, he is true and honest. There is no such thing as fake feelings with him. It is hard to get his trust and respect and even harder to get his love. I can say that I have one of the good ones. Overall I have never been treated so well. He wants to talk things out, he respects me, he accepts me. There are not even words to describe all the good things he is to me, and there are no words to show how he has ever wronged me…because he has not.
The boys ended up winning the second game and Cantrell finally argued a call, granted it was late, o well. I was excited for him. I can see he really takes this job to heart; he is doing as well as he knows how. I went out and handed out the cookies to them, I cannot describe the feeling that I got; the appreciation. I feel like a team mom but I do not mind it. Rodney lives for baseball and I am doing the best that I can to be apart of it. After the game when we were all sitting around the house, I slipped up and called him a dork. He absolutely hates that name because it was something his older sister used to call him. He has not had a relationship with her in years, because of events that sound like they come from a movie. That word hits him hard…
I went to volleyball, we played for like an hour but then to my surprise Kenneth, Martinez and Ty were out there. Ty and I talked for about an hour. While talking to him I was giving my two sense on how I could beat Kenneth in racquetball with my eyes closed. So he challenged me and I declined but eventually I gave in. I actually was a little weary of it. He was playing with tennis rackets and mine was so heavy. We play to fifteen. 7-12 I finally got focused and in gear and came back and win 16-14. The thought of losing was undoubting but the thought of losing to him would make it all the more worse. The mere thought of him letting me win makes me mad, and as a result I would have to play him again to see. A win means nothing if it is just given to you. Kenneth and I got off to a bad start last fall. We always eye flirted across the caf, well anytime we saw each other my freshman year, but by Christmas when all was said and done we had stopped talking pretty much. I was surprised that he actually talked to me. We kind of talked it out. Rodney hates Kenneth and his girlfriend does not show favor on me either. So we call our racquetball playing an O.N.R; One Night Racquetball. It was fun to get out and do something though. I was just going to come back to my room and do homework anyway. I think we are okay now…I hope we are because I really enjoyed hanging out with him. I did promise that I would no longer trash talk him because he will make me back it up. O and while we were playing I did the splits, not at all on purpose. I enjoy playing with him because he dives all over the floor too, dedication…I enjoy playing sports with people that take the game as serious as I do.
I got back to my room, texted with Shawn a little bit and then talked to his little brother. I miss Geoff, yep; I would dare say that I miss him just as much as Hunter if not sometimes more. I could not even tell you what Shawn and I talked about, really about nothing…it was weird to be talking to him. This is not something that I am pursuing because it hurts Rodney and I know Shawn’s girlfriend is not in favor of it. I told him I would delete the blog if it bothered him but he did not say anything about it. I think him and I talking is a one time thing, we both have, in a sense, moved on. I went to bed without talking to Rodney, he never text me back so I went to bed a little upset.
Mood: Pondering
Well last year has officially started over again. Today is the home opener for the Bethany College baseball team. They have switched it up though; they are going to play a 1-9 today. Rodney says that if they lose then we are not going to have a Valentine’s Day date. I just laugh and say that I will eat all of his chocolate. I was late getting to the game; I was in that certain mood I had been waiting for so I could write my second blog. The mood came about when I was getting Rodney’s things together for tonight. Specifically I was decorating the bag that his presents were going to go in. I got to the card and I wanted to put little quotes in it so I went on the internet to turn some up. There were a couple that I really liked but then there were two in particular that hit me like a brick wall. One of them said, “Love is Forever…” this is the quote that immediately made me think back to Shawn. It makes me wonder if he and I did ever loved at all. That is silly, I know we did, when it was there we had something but him and I are in different parts of life, both pursuing and loving other people. The second quote was, “You do not marry the one you can life with; you marry the one you can’t live without.” I will admit that sometimes Shawn will cross my mind. Not in a way where I want what we had but I just think about him…if you read the second blog you will be able to see that in a way I felt like I lost more than a boyfriend. Even in my teen years, I feel like I had genuine feelings of love. I lost apart of me, I lost a best friend. Break ups are almost like that other person died because all forms of communication have ceased, and anything that you have ever done together becomes a moment for reminiscing and sometimes tears. This blog that I wrote is grammatically a mess. I told myself that my heart would take over the keyboard and I was going to spill everything that I was feeling at the moment. In all actuality, I knew that if I reread it then I would not post the blog at all; feelings of shame or guilt come as a result of the words. I feel like they are feelings that need to leave me, so I write about them so they can be out in the open. I learned in my first communication class about a Jaharian window, basically I do not want anything to be in the hidden self but for it to be in the open self. I want my life to be an open text, for questions, interpretations and insight. Though there are some things that I am ashamed of, I do not want to feel like I have to hide anything. I felt like that growing up sometimes, I had to hide a thought or feeling that my parents disapproved of. My parents and I always battled when it came to Shawn. I would push back, but they were my parents so I eventually caved in. I wonder what would have happened if I acted only on my feelings instead of how the people around me would have reacted. Do not get me wrong, I do not regret anything, there are things that I wish I would have done differently, but ultimately I cannot change them so I accept them and do not resent them.
Anyways, back to the baseball game…Well I do not know where in the name our baseball team was but it was not focused. I sat by Jenny until she had to go to work and then I went into the press box and controlled the walk out songs for the game. Rodney pitched and he was doing well but for some reason he got pulled, so that a freshman could come in and pitch. Coach said it was because of the left-handed hitter that was up to bat next. However, Rodney had to take the loss for the game. I honestly thought that he and I were not going out to eat but we did. Well, being the romantic couple we are we went to try out this place we had been planning to try out called Coyote Canyon. It is the local version of the Golden Corral. It was okay, but it was no Golden Corral that is for sure. Nonetheless, we decided to have a contest on who could eat the most…silly Rodney. He had me until it was time for dessert. He had a cinnamon roll and a brownie…I had a brownie, a piece of carrot cake, a piece of chocolate cake, some of a piece of hot fudge cake, part of his cinnamon roll with some milk. When it comes to me and dessert there is no such thing as defeat. I wanted to go to Bogey’s afterward so that I could get my milkshake but Rodney was so full that he said no.
When we got back to the house we exchanged gifts. Earlier in the week we had made stuffed animals for each other and then we separately ended up buying chocolate for the other person but we shared. That is when I reached my full point. I could not even move, it hurt to move, I was so full. We watched Blood Diamond, but half way through Rodney fell asleep on his couch. So did Schlepp, he fell asleep with his video game controller in his hand, one of the cutest things I have ever seen.
O side note, I weighed in at 156 this morning, o yeah baby. I have not been this weight since June before my senior year. If I get down to 154 it will be the lightest I have been since I was a freshman in high school! I know it should not matter, but it matters to me…I have a gorgeous mother and a skinny atheletic sister, whether they know it or not it was really hard growing up around it. My awesome weigh-in was the reason I felt the having an eating contest was necessary. Even though, I honestly cannot really tell the difference between me now and me thirteen pounds heavier in September. O well there is much more important things to focus about. I am scared for my next weigh in because I am wandering into unclaimed territory…
The next day I took the time to sleep in. There is a draft that blows in through my window so it is always cold in my room in the morning. I worked out and attempted to do homework, but ended up writing in my other blog. I feel a lot better now that it is out in the open. Shawn read it…he was upset at the first two posts and that is all I heard about it. O and then he concluded with saying that I did not lose anything, I did not want it. I guess if I take a close look at it that is what it is. He is right though, I guess I did not want what he was offering because I was too busy living and thinking of me; that is where my biggest flaw lies. I am aware of this, there are goals that I have in my life and a place where I see myself and nothing will get in the way of that.
Rodney and I talked about academics and he said that he would rather have a social life…and well I never really had a huge social life because I am so wrapped up in school and every other thing there was to do on the planet. Everything comes with a price; I do hang out but not every day, maybe like a day of the week. There is always something that could be done to make you better.
I went to the first game and we killed them, 11-1. I do not know what happened yesterday. Tanya and I went back to my dorm so that I could make the boys cookies for after the game. She and I talked about her and Brian. She also asked me if I knew how much Rodney loved me. I just sheepishly looked at her and said probably not. You see, Rodney is a different kind of man, he is true and honest. There is no such thing as fake feelings with him. It is hard to get his trust and respect and even harder to get his love. I can say that I have one of the good ones. Overall I have never been treated so well. He wants to talk things out, he respects me, he accepts me. There are not even words to describe all the good things he is to me, and there are no words to show how he has ever wronged me…because he has not.
The boys ended up winning the second game and Cantrell finally argued a call, granted it was late, o well. I was excited for him. I can see he really takes this job to heart; he is doing as well as he knows how. I went out and handed out the cookies to them, I cannot describe the feeling that I got; the appreciation. I feel like a team mom but I do not mind it. Rodney lives for baseball and I am doing the best that I can to be apart of it. After the game when we were all sitting around the house, I slipped up and called him a dork. He absolutely hates that name because it was something his older sister used to call him. He has not had a relationship with her in years, because of events that sound like they come from a movie. That word hits him hard…
I went to volleyball, we played for like an hour but then to my surprise Kenneth, Martinez and Ty were out there. Ty and I talked for about an hour. While talking to him I was giving my two sense on how I could beat Kenneth in racquetball with my eyes closed. So he challenged me and I declined but eventually I gave in. I actually was a little weary of it. He was playing with tennis rackets and mine was so heavy. We play to fifteen. 7-12 I finally got focused and in gear and came back and win 16-14. The thought of losing was undoubting but the thought of losing to him would make it all the more worse. The mere thought of him letting me win makes me mad, and as a result I would have to play him again to see. A win means nothing if it is just given to you. Kenneth and I got off to a bad start last fall. We always eye flirted across the caf, well anytime we saw each other my freshman year, but by Christmas when all was said and done we had stopped talking pretty much. I was surprised that he actually talked to me. We kind of talked it out. Rodney hates Kenneth and his girlfriend does not show favor on me either. So we call our racquetball playing an O.N.R; One Night Racquetball. It was fun to get out and do something though. I was just going to come back to my room and do homework anyway. I think we are okay now…I hope we are because I really enjoyed hanging out with him. I did promise that I would no longer trash talk him because he will make me back it up. O and while we were playing I did the splits, not at all on purpose. I enjoy playing with him because he dives all over the floor too, dedication…I enjoy playing sports with people that take the game as serious as I do.
I got back to my room, texted with Shawn a little bit and then talked to his little brother. I miss Geoff, yep; I would dare say that I miss him just as much as Hunter if not sometimes more. I could not even tell you what Shawn and I talked about, really about nothing…it was weird to be talking to him. This is not something that I am pursuing because it hurts Rodney and I know Shawn’s girlfriend is not in favor of it. I told him I would delete the blog if it bothered him but he did not say anything about it. I think him and I talking is a one time thing, we both have, in a sense, moved on. I went to bed without talking to Rodney, he never text me back so I went to bed a little upset.
Mood: Pondering
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Friday!!
Last night I went to hangout with Rodney and off to the computer lab we go. I understand that he has homework but one thing that I will never understand is why he waits until the last minute. He has a test over Canada, Central and South America with the surrounding seas…his test was today at 8 in the morning and at 11:30 last night he went and printed out his maps. He says that it is a baseball thing to not have homework in the vans. This is the complete opposite of my team at least two of us are doing homework at a time all the time. I am so torn on wanting him to enjoy his senior year. He freely admits that school goes on the back burner, which is a concept that I feel like I will never understand either. One of the reasons I see Rodney so late at night is so that I can get my homework done. I will let it be, he is a grown man who makes him own decisions, most times, and he has a good head on his shoulders. However, I would guarantee that if his work ethic for baseball were the same for school then he would be the one with the 4.0. We ended up not hanging out because he had to study and Brian was frustrated with Tanya and needed to vent. This is a situation that has bells and whistles that declare…dysfunction. It is also relationships such as these that I cherish what I have.
School went fine. Starting new things in Logic that deal with identifying the different forms of language, not at all interesting compared to what we have been doing. I went to work today and had to talk to Molly about the email I had written her. She presented herself well, she used “I” statements to clarify her feelings which is good to do. I think she wanted me to apologize, but as my best friends and parents know, well anyone that knows me actually, knows that I do not believe in apologies. “Sorry” is over said and rarely meant. Besides for me to say it, I would have to be sorry for something; which I was not because if I was sorry then it would not have happened. It really does bother me, the people that are so emotionally connected that anything can hurt their feelings. She gave me her personal cell and I said that I would write down the days that I would be missing and we are fine now. (Technically fine is not really a feeling, it is a word used to cover up some other emotion.)
Brian is going to be ineligible and as a result he is going to greatly hurt his team. He is not going to class because he has been sick but he is well enough to play baseball. What made me mildly happy is that Rodney was the one to bring up this point. This shows that Rodney does realize that school and going to class are important. Brian is in my Logics class and well I would almost bet that he is not going to pass. It has been two whole weeks of class and he has yet to show up for any of them and we have a test on Friday. It is frustrating; I want to shake him like a JibberJabberDoll.
We met up late today for practice. We did abs and had to set up for the tournament. Which took until 6:35 and Rodney was coming by at 7 to pick me up for the musical. I am just not going to go to work on Sunday so that I can come and play. I might go into work for a while because my glasses are going to be in and I thought I would go Tuesday night to pick them up. (The Wal-Mart guy doing my glasses leaves messages like we are friends. He has called so many times that he now just says Matt instead of saying, “This is Matt from Wal-Mart Vision Center”. When I was there ordering my frames he showed me a picture of his kid and we talked about how he and his wife met. I am convinced that I have a sign on my head that says, “Speak to me stranger…Tell me about your life.” I am completely aware of this and okay with it. For some odd reason I enjoy it. Anyways, coach ended up letting me go early to the play with Rodney, thankfully.
Rodney and I always seem to bicker in public, I do not know why. However, we always seem like we are in some little dispute. People must think we argue all the time because of this. Rodney thinks that it is fun and so do I. I think this way because I know he is not serious, and we always seem to make people laugh. I think we do this for and attention and because we hardly ever fight. I mean we have our disagreements but we always talk it out instead of fighting about it. I can honestly say he has never raised his voice or called me a name which makes me not want to do it to him. (In my last relationship there was always fighting, yelling, and crying on my end. I do wonder why were together so long. One thing I will always remember is my dad telling me that he would never talk to my mom like that. I can honestly say that I have never heard them call each other names, let alone ever fight or yell. My parents have been married twenty years so I think my dad is on the right track.) I know that my words hurt and I do not want to hurt him or manipulate him. Rodney actually ended up really enjoying the musical, “I Love You, Your Perfect, Now Change.” It is about dating, relationships, marriage, divorce, kids, death. It really made me think a lot. I think it scared me a little bit when I think about getting married…they say it is forever and I certainly do not want to go through it more than once. I just told myself to stay true to my feelings, take it slow because there is no need to rush. Also what they take about makes me wonder sometimes why people get married and have kids when there is all the stress.
Rodney has two double headers tomorrow if the weather is permitting but it is going to be cold as the dickens so Jen and I are going to bring blankets and homework and sit in the press box. We are going to make cookies for the Sunday game. She likes me and I like her…we connect because of the baseball boyfriend thing…yeah! After he gets done we have plans to go to dinner.
Mood:Content
Symptoms: My eyes were so dry when I woke up this morning I did not even want to put my contacts in, My lips are chapped as well, I just keep putting Aquaphor (pretty sure Rodney does not enjoy kissing me because all he ever tastes is Aquaphor and after we get done kissing I IMMEDIATELY have to put some back on.) My head itches and here is the strangest one; I have these bumps on the side of my hand almost to my wrist, but as I move up my right arm I have one on my lower bicep, on at the bottom of my shoulder and the other on my shoulder. The farther they go up the more different they look. They are about the size or a Sharpie permanent marker but they look like someone has dripped clear candle wax on me.
School went fine. Starting new things in Logic that deal with identifying the different forms of language, not at all interesting compared to what we have been doing. I went to work today and had to talk to Molly about the email I had written her. She presented herself well, she used “I” statements to clarify her feelings which is good to do. I think she wanted me to apologize, but as my best friends and parents know, well anyone that knows me actually, knows that I do not believe in apologies. “Sorry” is over said and rarely meant. Besides for me to say it, I would have to be sorry for something; which I was not because if I was sorry then it would not have happened. It really does bother me, the people that are so emotionally connected that anything can hurt their feelings. She gave me her personal cell and I said that I would write down the days that I would be missing and we are fine now. (Technically fine is not really a feeling, it is a word used to cover up some other emotion.)
Brian is going to be ineligible and as a result he is going to greatly hurt his team. He is not going to class because he has been sick but he is well enough to play baseball. What made me mildly happy is that Rodney was the one to bring up this point. This shows that Rodney does realize that school and going to class are important. Brian is in my Logics class and well I would almost bet that he is not going to pass. It has been two whole weeks of class and he has yet to show up for any of them and we have a test on Friday. It is frustrating; I want to shake him like a JibberJabberDoll.
We met up late today for practice. We did abs and had to set up for the tournament. Which took until 6:35 and Rodney was coming by at 7 to pick me up for the musical. I am just not going to go to work on Sunday so that I can come and play. I might go into work for a while because my glasses are going to be in and I thought I would go Tuesday night to pick them up. (The Wal-Mart guy doing my glasses leaves messages like we are friends. He has called so many times that he now just says Matt instead of saying, “This is Matt from Wal-Mart Vision Center”. When I was there ordering my frames he showed me a picture of his kid and we talked about how he and his wife met. I am convinced that I have a sign on my head that says, “Speak to me stranger…Tell me about your life.” I am completely aware of this and okay with it. For some odd reason I enjoy it. Anyways, coach ended up letting me go early to the play with Rodney, thankfully.
Rodney and I always seem to bicker in public, I do not know why. However, we always seem like we are in some little dispute. People must think we argue all the time because of this. Rodney thinks that it is fun and so do I. I think this way because I know he is not serious, and we always seem to make people laugh. I think we do this for and attention and because we hardly ever fight. I mean we have our disagreements but we always talk it out instead of fighting about it. I can honestly say he has never raised his voice or called me a name which makes me not want to do it to him. (In my last relationship there was always fighting, yelling, and crying on my end. I do wonder why were together so long. One thing I will always remember is my dad telling me that he would never talk to my mom like that. I can honestly say that I have never heard them call each other names, let alone ever fight or yell. My parents have been married twenty years so I think my dad is on the right track.) I know that my words hurt and I do not want to hurt him or manipulate him. Rodney actually ended up really enjoying the musical, “I Love You, Your Perfect, Now Change.” It is about dating, relationships, marriage, divorce, kids, death. It really made me think a lot. I think it scared me a little bit when I think about getting married…they say it is forever and I certainly do not want to go through it more than once. I just told myself to stay true to my feelings, take it slow because there is no need to rush. Also what they take about makes me wonder sometimes why people get married and have kids when there is all the stress.
Rodney has two double headers tomorrow if the weather is permitting but it is going to be cold as the dickens so Jen and I are going to bring blankets and homework and sit in the press box. We are going to make cookies for the Sunday game. She likes me and I like her…we connect because of the baseball boyfriend thing…yeah! After he gets done we have plans to go to dinner.
Mood:Content
Symptoms: My eyes were so dry when I woke up this morning I did not even want to put my contacts in, My lips are chapped as well, I just keep putting Aquaphor (pretty sure Rodney does not enjoy kissing me because all he ever tastes is Aquaphor and after we get done kissing I IMMEDIATELY have to put some back on.) My head itches and here is the strangest one; I have these bumps on the side of my hand almost to my wrist, but as I move up my right arm I have one on my lower bicep, on at the bottom of my shoulder and the other on my shoulder. The farther they go up the more different they look. They are about the size or a Sharpie permanent marker but they look like someone has dripped clear candle wax on me.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Day Sixteen
My face is red today, redder that it was in the previous days but the burning has ceased! A few more pimples are about to pop up but this is understandable since I am not putting any topical medication on my face. For once I will be able to sleep on a colored pillow case without it bleaching! O, the little things that make me happy.
I did not post anything yesterday because I was not in the greatest mood and I felt like I had nothing to say. There was not one thing that I was particularly upset about but I just generally felt testy. Practice had gone well; all we had to do was our jump workout. I think Leah and I are mentally butting heads. When we all first got back we were cool but now that Serah is back I feel like we have tension. She might feel as if I am intruding with her captain senior status, but I do not care. I am just going to continue what I was doing before. I do not know why it is this way, that is only my best guess but her non verbal communication and lack of verbal communication leads me to make such assumptions. I do not like it so I will act like it is not there and maybe she will come around. Also, it might be because we are always on opposites sides of the net and we are always competing for the outside position for next year. So every time we play we are trying to out play the other. This to me is fantastic because it is making us better players.
Then yesterday we got done and I decided to see what Rodney was doing so I walked home with Schlepp. My hip is hurting still (last week I pulled my hip flexor and did nothing about it so then the muscles compensating for the hurt hip flexor are now hurt. As a result, the whole right side of my groin area is pain) but anyways I walk in and he just says, “Hey.” He is playing the stupid baseball video game with a fatty chew in. Two things that I am already not content with. I honestly do not mind that he chews because I know it is a baseball thing. I know that when baseball is over that it will stop. Honestly, I chew gum almost constantly so I am not going to get on him for his habit. I sit next to him and I pull out my homework…still nothing from him. After about five minutes I am trying to actually do my homework and he is poking me and trying to get my attention. Sadly, I was still irritated. We go and get dinner and then he drops me off at work. I think the thing that got to me is I feel like I am going and doing things constantly. I have two jobs, with volleyball, and still trying to maintain a 4.0. He is playing video games. I send his hints about how he should come over and say bye since they leave for Oklahoma tomorrow for a double and he did not get them, so he left without even saying bye. Then I look at it from another angle and try to justify that he really is busy and this is his down time. Well then where is my down time? When is it my break from having to do something? It feels like I am constantly on the go, like I leave class to go to practice and I leave practice to go to work, eating dinner at work and then I leave work to go be on duty. So I am showering at midnight and starting all over again the next day. I have breaks between my classes but I can honestly say that I am doing homework in those gaps or I am cleaning. I feel like “my time” is in the shower or the one weekend treat I get for having a good weigh in. One thing I do like is that I am not stressed yet. I just do everything is a habitual-like manner and I get everything done and remaining calm. I have not had one freak out this whole semester…almost two weeks! Look at me go!
I woke up this morning and another day has begun. I am still enjoying my classes; we will see how much I am enjoying them after our first tests next week. I wish I had an oral test or a computer test that told me instantly if I got a question right or wrong. Then I get really into it because it is like a game. I treat every assignment or test as a win lose. A=win and anything else is a loss. Yorton will be my hardest and most exciting. Actually, I did have spare time today (I finished all of my homework!), I did my Logic cd, just for fun. That is just as good as a video game to me. I actually would argue that it is better. We are at the word problems, for example, where you have six people, six occupations, and six clues. Through the clues you are supposed to figure out which person goes to where and logically think it out. I spent an hour and a half doing problems like this. It is just so exhilarating to get an answer right, especially when I am diagramming. I feel so good about myself because I struggle and struggle and then finally I comprehend it and I got it!
We practiced today; we do a lot of things on Thursdays-lift, agility, jumping program, abs, and then play. We played, Leah was on my side for a change and we seemed to connect better than in previous days. Then I came back took a shower and then headed to work…o wait, my boss does not like to show up to work. Yesterday I waited half an hour before I got let in and then tonight as well but I just ended up leaving because it is unacceptable and I have things to do with my time. I emailed her about it saying that it is wasting my time to sit outside in the cold with freezing hair, that she made a commitment and she needs to stick with it. Lastly, I told her that if something comes up she needs to call us and let us know not just not show up. Sadly, this is a woman who’s job is working for the college…I ended up going to the computer lab and printing off the various papers that I needed for class tomorrow. Also the symbols for my relationship map. It is going to look amazing! I cannot wait to actually get started on it! So I did my rough rough draft, now let’s see what my rough draft will look like. I also did my outline for Interpersonal Communication. His rubric said short and to the point, well mine is six pages. It is only a ten point assignment, I do not think my next one will be as detailed. I make it detailed so that I can understand. The assignment is for him but it is more for me because I have to be able to understand it, sadly I understand things when they are lengthy.
Rodney will be home by eleven. I think I am going to do some cleaning and compress my computer files on my three different hard drives.
I realized that the underlying reason why I was upset was because Saturday night is date night; it is also Valentine’s Day. Yes, I know it is baseball season. They have a double header that day which should get over between 5:30 and 6. ( It is suppose to be rainy and cold…so maybe no baseball.) However, volleyball has to be in the gym at five for the club tourney and then they wanted to play after. We worked it out to where we are going to just clean up on Saturday and then play tomorrow and Sunday. Maybe it will all work out, who knows…I also want to take Rodney to that musical…so we will see where that fits in! I am just going to believe that everything will work out…in one way or another. I cannot believe that I was so mad at him yesterday for factors that neither he nor I could control. We talked about it and are better.
I think I am going to write a whole new blog, most likely this weekend. I have to be in a certain mood to right it. It will be called, “What Could Have Been”. It is going to talk about the possible decisions that I could have made and what my life could have looked like.
Mood: Content, Busy, Unafraid of the Future
I did not post anything yesterday because I was not in the greatest mood and I felt like I had nothing to say. There was not one thing that I was particularly upset about but I just generally felt testy. Practice had gone well; all we had to do was our jump workout. I think Leah and I are mentally butting heads. When we all first got back we were cool but now that Serah is back I feel like we have tension. She might feel as if I am intruding with her captain senior status, but I do not care. I am just going to continue what I was doing before. I do not know why it is this way, that is only my best guess but her non verbal communication and lack of verbal communication leads me to make such assumptions. I do not like it so I will act like it is not there and maybe she will come around. Also, it might be because we are always on opposites sides of the net and we are always competing for the outside position for next year. So every time we play we are trying to out play the other. This to me is fantastic because it is making us better players.
Then yesterday we got done and I decided to see what Rodney was doing so I walked home with Schlepp. My hip is hurting still (last week I pulled my hip flexor and did nothing about it so then the muscles compensating for the hurt hip flexor are now hurt. As a result, the whole right side of my groin area is pain) but anyways I walk in and he just says, “Hey.” He is playing the stupid baseball video game with a fatty chew in. Two things that I am already not content with. I honestly do not mind that he chews because I know it is a baseball thing. I know that when baseball is over that it will stop. Honestly, I chew gum almost constantly so I am not going to get on him for his habit. I sit next to him and I pull out my homework…still nothing from him. After about five minutes I am trying to actually do my homework and he is poking me and trying to get my attention. Sadly, I was still irritated. We go and get dinner and then he drops me off at work. I think the thing that got to me is I feel like I am going and doing things constantly. I have two jobs, with volleyball, and still trying to maintain a 4.0. He is playing video games. I send his hints about how he should come over and say bye since they leave for Oklahoma tomorrow for a double and he did not get them, so he left without even saying bye. Then I look at it from another angle and try to justify that he really is busy and this is his down time. Well then where is my down time? When is it my break from having to do something? It feels like I am constantly on the go, like I leave class to go to practice and I leave practice to go to work, eating dinner at work and then I leave work to go be on duty. So I am showering at midnight and starting all over again the next day. I have breaks between my classes but I can honestly say that I am doing homework in those gaps or I am cleaning. I feel like “my time” is in the shower or the one weekend treat I get for having a good weigh in. One thing I do like is that I am not stressed yet. I just do everything is a habitual-like manner and I get everything done and remaining calm. I have not had one freak out this whole semester…almost two weeks! Look at me go!
I woke up this morning and another day has begun. I am still enjoying my classes; we will see how much I am enjoying them after our first tests next week. I wish I had an oral test or a computer test that told me instantly if I got a question right or wrong. Then I get really into it because it is like a game. I treat every assignment or test as a win lose. A=win and anything else is a loss. Yorton will be my hardest and most exciting. Actually, I did have spare time today (I finished all of my homework!), I did my Logic cd, just for fun. That is just as good as a video game to me. I actually would argue that it is better. We are at the word problems, for example, where you have six people, six occupations, and six clues. Through the clues you are supposed to figure out which person goes to where and logically think it out. I spent an hour and a half doing problems like this. It is just so exhilarating to get an answer right, especially when I am diagramming. I feel so good about myself because I struggle and struggle and then finally I comprehend it and I got it!
We practiced today; we do a lot of things on Thursdays-lift, agility, jumping program, abs, and then play. We played, Leah was on my side for a change and we seemed to connect better than in previous days. Then I came back took a shower and then headed to work…o wait, my boss does not like to show up to work. Yesterday I waited half an hour before I got let in and then tonight as well but I just ended up leaving because it is unacceptable and I have things to do with my time. I emailed her about it saying that it is wasting my time to sit outside in the cold with freezing hair, that she made a commitment and she needs to stick with it. Lastly, I told her that if something comes up she needs to call us and let us know not just not show up. Sadly, this is a woman who’s job is working for the college…I ended up going to the computer lab and printing off the various papers that I needed for class tomorrow. Also the symbols for my relationship map. It is going to look amazing! I cannot wait to actually get started on it! So I did my rough rough draft, now let’s see what my rough draft will look like. I also did my outline for Interpersonal Communication. His rubric said short and to the point, well mine is six pages. It is only a ten point assignment, I do not think my next one will be as detailed. I make it detailed so that I can understand. The assignment is for him but it is more for me because I have to be able to understand it, sadly I understand things when they are lengthy.
Rodney will be home by eleven. I think I am going to do some cleaning and compress my computer files on my three different hard drives.
I realized that the underlying reason why I was upset was because Saturday night is date night; it is also Valentine’s Day. Yes, I know it is baseball season. They have a double header that day which should get over between 5:30 and 6. ( It is suppose to be rainy and cold…so maybe no baseball.) However, volleyball has to be in the gym at five for the club tourney and then they wanted to play after. We worked it out to where we are going to just clean up on Saturday and then play tomorrow and Sunday. Maybe it will all work out, who knows…I also want to take Rodney to that musical…so we will see where that fits in! I am just going to believe that everything will work out…in one way or another. I cannot believe that I was so mad at him yesterday for factors that neither he nor I could control. We talked about it and are better.
I think I am going to write a whole new blog, most likely this weekend. I have to be in a certain mood to right it. It will be called, “What Could Have Been”. It is going to talk about the possible decisions that I could have made and what my life could have looked like.
Mood: Content, Busy, Unafraid of the Future
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Tuesday
February 10
So I have officially hit the two week marker! They say that the worst is supposed to be over. However, aside from the dry lips and putting on moisturizer I do not feel any different than I did before I got on the medication. The first week, I think was just the hardest. It makes me wonder just a little if this medication is going to work since my side effects are mild and not as bad as others have reported. I am supposed to stop using the topical medication so that we can see if the Accutane is working but I am a little fearful of that. I think I have a plan though. I will stop using the topical medication starting tomorrow morning. If my face has not gotten worse in a two week period then I will attempt to wear makeup on a semi regular basis, but I will wash it off before practice. I am doing some trail and error so I can see what works and what does not. I think to myself though, what if Accutane does not work, and then there really is nothing left for me to try because I tried everything else. I am going to hope for the best though. It is that time of the month so I might be more prone to breaking out more as a result.
Today went well. I think I have an addiction to my Logic homework; which the term “well” might not be put in the same sentence with Logic homework unless there is a negative in between. I literally walked as fast as I could to the computer lab when I got off of work so I could start. I thought about it almost all TeleFund. (Aside from that I actually did my job, oh and I am debating to surprise for my dad’s birthday party. It is merely nothing less than brilliance!) I am so intrigued. I am nervous for the test though. I feel like I understand it for the most part, sometimes I get the diagramming mixed up or I misread something, but I am vocal and involved in my homework. How weird does that sound? I hope I do not choke when the test comes. I might talk to him so I can get a feel for his testing format, so that I will not be like a deer in the headlights come next week. I know this stuff, now it is just time to show it. I did not even have this class today, but yet it is the only class on my mind. The next best class that I enjoy is Interpersonal Communication. That is a very active class. Today we talked about Non Verbal Communication and I had to position Dr. Isaacson so that he would convey to my classmates how I feel about my relationship with Rodney. The class then had to guess what it was I was trying to communicate. I made Isaacson do a big cheesy smile and make a circle with his hands to represent equality and completeness at this particular stage in my life. Then we had to pair up, I paired up with one of our catcher’s girlfriend, Jenny. We had to talk and gradually get closer to where eventually our hands were on each other’s hips. We talked baseball the whole time and she is going to help me with the baking. She is excited and now I will have someone to sit at the baseball games with; which means I will most likely not be in the press box. I am excited that I have befriended her and I think that we will relate in many ways. She and Frieze starting emailing just like Rodney and I did so that is humorous to me in a small way; basically it concludes that I am the not the only unusually unusual person roaming Bethany College. They will have been together almost two years. I have no problem hanging around with Josie and the girls but it is hard to hang out because I work almost every night and I also have a boyfriend. This boyfriend factor sometimes makes it hard to relate because Rodney is not just some boy that I am trying out, where as these girls text six different boys and never hang out with them but the girls say that they are a slut for this. I think it is just because they do not know what it is like. We will always be close but it will be nice to talk to someone who goes what I go through and can understand. I mean who knows what will happen with Rodney and me. If we stay together, he will most likely coach baseball, so I will be a baseball wife just like now I am the baseball girlfriend. Right now, for Rodney, things his life goes in that order; baseball and then girlfriend. There is nothing wrong with that because I would not want it any other way. Rodney is not my number one priority but he is up there and he knows that. We both just do so much here and we understand that. There will come a time when college is over and we do not want to have regrets. So we are not together 24/7 because then we would miss out on the things and the people we enjoy and also who might not be in close proximity after graduation..
Rodney really is stressed though. This baseball coach and player situation is going to tire him out. He will push through it as long as he can. His team supports and respects what he is trying to do. He and I stayed up until two this morning to talking about his parents, baseball, and the future. It was a good, serious talk, but it does show we are from different places. I feel like he still carries a chip on his shoulder because of everything that has happened to him in his past. Do not get me wrong, growing up for him was no walk through the daisies but lets just say him and I have a different mentality. Something happens to me and I just let it go. I do not push it under the rug but holding grudges and past negative experiences is like holding baggage. Or like holding a pencil out in front of you; even if it is something small, eventually it will break you down. I learned how to live like that from my mom.
Today, I decided that if it was nice and the wind was not bad then we are working out outside. I put on my SPF 70 on my face and I was off. Granted I was only out there fifteen minutes, but still I am moving up in sun exposure time! This medication is not going to hold me back from what I want to do. This is a time to bond with my teammates. I am a firm believer in struggle brings about closeness. We played for about an hour and a half. Even though I pulled my right hip flexor/groin last week, but I still got out there and played. I am going to have it looked at tomorrow. We played and I played well. I mean I was reading the ball well (got burned a couple times) and my passing, wow big improvement. On some I would pass the ball and feel like I was someone else. It was a great feeling. My hitting also is a lot better than on Sunday. I hitting my spots and working the line. I have to keep practicing because I do not want to lose this. I want to be on that court.
Mood: Unstoppable
So I have officially hit the two week marker! They say that the worst is supposed to be over. However, aside from the dry lips and putting on moisturizer I do not feel any different than I did before I got on the medication. The first week, I think was just the hardest. It makes me wonder just a little if this medication is going to work since my side effects are mild and not as bad as others have reported. I am supposed to stop using the topical medication so that we can see if the Accutane is working but I am a little fearful of that. I think I have a plan though. I will stop using the topical medication starting tomorrow morning. If my face has not gotten worse in a two week period then I will attempt to wear makeup on a semi regular basis, but I will wash it off before practice. I am doing some trail and error so I can see what works and what does not. I think to myself though, what if Accutane does not work, and then there really is nothing left for me to try because I tried everything else. I am going to hope for the best though. It is that time of the month so I might be more prone to breaking out more as a result.
Today went well. I think I have an addiction to my Logic homework; which the term “well” might not be put in the same sentence with Logic homework unless there is a negative in between. I literally walked as fast as I could to the computer lab when I got off of work so I could start. I thought about it almost all TeleFund. (Aside from that I actually did my job, oh and I am debating to surprise for my dad’s birthday party. It is merely nothing less than brilliance!) I am so intrigued. I am nervous for the test though. I feel like I understand it for the most part, sometimes I get the diagramming mixed up or I misread something, but I am vocal and involved in my homework. How weird does that sound? I hope I do not choke when the test comes. I might talk to him so I can get a feel for his testing format, so that I will not be like a deer in the headlights come next week. I know this stuff, now it is just time to show it. I did not even have this class today, but yet it is the only class on my mind. The next best class that I enjoy is Interpersonal Communication. That is a very active class. Today we talked about Non Verbal Communication and I had to position Dr. Isaacson so that he would convey to my classmates how I feel about my relationship with Rodney. The class then had to guess what it was I was trying to communicate. I made Isaacson do a big cheesy smile and make a circle with his hands to represent equality and completeness at this particular stage in my life. Then we had to pair up, I paired up with one of our catcher’s girlfriend, Jenny. We had to talk and gradually get closer to where eventually our hands were on each other’s hips. We talked baseball the whole time and she is going to help me with the baking. She is excited and now I will have someone to sit at the baseball games with; which means I will most likely not be in the press box. I am excited that I have befriended her and I think that we will relate in many ways. She and Frieze starting emailing just like Rodney and I did so that is humorous to me in a small way; basically it concludes that I am the not the only unusually unusual person roaming Bethany College. They will have been together almost two years. I have no problem hanging around with Josie and the girls but it is hard to hang out because I work almost every night and I also have a boyfriend. This boyfriend factor sometimes makes it hard to relate because Rodney is not just some boy that I am trying out, where as these girls text six different boys and never hang out with them but the girls say that they are a slut for this. I think it is just because they do not know what it is like. We will always be close but it will be nice to talk to someone who goes what I go through and can understand. I mean who knows what will happen with Rodney and me. If we stay together, he will most likely coach baseball, so I will be a baseball wife just like now I am the baseball girlfriend. Right now, for Rodney, things his life goes in that order; baseball and then girlfriend. There is nothing wrong with that because I would not want it any other way. Rodney is not my number one priority but he is up there and he knows that. We both just do so much here and we understand that. There will come a time when college is over and we do not want to have regrets. So we are not together 24/7 because then we would miss out on the things and the people we enjoy and also who might not be in close proximity after graduation..
Rodney really is stressed though. This baseball coach and player situation is going to tire him out. He will push through it as long as he can. His team supports and respects what he is trying to do. He and I stayed up until two this morning to talking about his parents, baseball, and the future. It was a good, serious talk, but it does show we are from different places. I feel like he still carries a chip on his shoulder because of everything that has happened to him in his past. Do not get me wrong, growing up for him was no walk through the daisies but lets just say him and I have a different mentality. Something happens to me and I just let it go. I do not push it under the rug but holding grudges and past negative experiences is like holding baggage. Or like holding a pencil out in front of you; even if it is something small, eventually it will break you down. I learned how to live like that from my mom.
Today, I decided that if it was nice and the wind was not bad then we are working out outside. I put on my SPF 70 on my face and I was off. Granted I was only out there fifteen minutes, but still I am moving up in sun exposure time! This medication is not going to hold me back from what I want to do. This is a time to bond with my teammates. I am a firm believer in struggle brings about closeness. We played for about an hour and a half. Even though I pulled my right hip flexor/groin last week, but I still got out there and played. I am going to have it looked at tomorrow. We played and I played well. I mean I was reading the ball well (got burned a couple times) and my passing, wow big improvement. On some I would pass the ball and feel like I was someone else. It was a great feeling. My hitting also is a lot better than on Sunday. I hitting my spots and working the line. I have to keep practicing because I do not want to lose this. I want to be on that court.
Mood: Unstoppable
Monday, February 9, 2009
Monday
Day Thirteen February 9, 2009
One more day until the worst part of my medication is over!! Woot Woot. I honestly have not seen a huge difference. I did not break out like crazy, I am still wearing my contacts, and my lips are soft (with constant application of Aquaphor). My face no longer feels like it is on fire and my face is not unbearably dry. I am afraid to wear makeup, I think that I will break out more, who knows but I am too afraid to try. My dermatologist said that there is nothing on the outside that is going to make my acne worse right now because it is working on the inside. Maybe my face just needs to get used to the make up. I am not the type of girl who parades with a ton of make up on anyways.
Thinking and Writing is well going to serve as its course name says; a lot of thinking and a lot more writing. I do not mind the busy work. As long as I do well, in this class- produce results by showing participation, attendance and a lot of papers. I am good at writing papers and with grammatical help an A should follow in the course no problem. Logic on the other hand is so interesting but sometimes Yorton gets wrapped up in what he is saying that I get confused. We are finding the conclusions and premises in arguments and then diagramming them using numbers and lines to show which ones are the premise and the conclusion. It gets tricky because sometimes because the premises support the conclusion so that is two separate lines when I am diagramming. However, if the premises support each other and one cannot support the conclusion alone then the premises are paired together and one line goes to the conclusion. It sounds boring but I find this more fascinating than statistics which is odd and mildly scary. I am so into learning about this stuff. It is going to get harder, the example I just showed you are two level diagramming, tomorrow I will read about five and six level. It is going to be hard but I think it will be okay. I am nervous for the test next week. It should be okay but when I do the homework I understand it better on the computer, I talk out loud, and I give a little pump of the fist when I get it right. I am so into learning this, it is like a game, if it was a video game I would play all the time…Wow one of the nerdiest things I think I have ever said.
I went in to work for Alex today. It was totally chill. I organized and we talked. I like him so much more than Kattie. Then after that I had to go to weights early with Mel because we lift at seven and I cannot do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Sunday evenings. Thankfully it is only Monday that is affected. We went to do abs, wow. Oh and I went outside today. Only for about five minutes but I did not have sunscreen on and the wind was blowing like crazy. I think that I am going to test my limits outside from now on. Since I am almost past the two weeks there is no use in feeling like I am all cooped up all the time. We tested out vertical again today. I am right at eight foot eleven mark on a standing jump. I went to test my approach but after weights, plyometrics I only got barely higher. My legs are tired. My hip flexor is killing me. After I rode the elliptical I went and got iced but from the position of the ice bag, well use your imagination…it just looked odd and out of place for my gender.
THEN!! Rodney and I went to stuff animals, no not taxidermy. We decided that we would do this instead going out and spending money on stuffed animals. He made me a hippo, not because he thinks I am a hippo and I made him a koala bear. Something different and not the norm; they even came with little Bethany Swede shirts. I think I am going to decorate his little shirt as a baseball uniform. I am on duty tonight which means it is a homework night and hopefully an early night for bed. Rodney has practice at nine, which is stupid because they are required to have a day off. Some odd feeling tells me it is going to be tomorrow for their day off; which they have another game in Oklahoma on Thursday so that would not be wise. I am not the baseball coach so what to I know. However, Rodney seems to be doing more coaching than playing. Rodney is going to be a phenomenal baseball coach but right now it is not his time to coach. It is his time to enjoy his senior year and be a player. He is so wiped out. I do not even think it is so much from playing as it is from coaching first base during the games and helping the guys on the side. Then there is school in all of this; which could be going better. I just hope all of his books get here by Wednesday.
Mood: A Step Ahead.
One more day until the worst part of my medication is over!! Woot Woot. I honestly have not seen a huge difference. I did not break out like crazy, I am still wearing my contacts, and my lips are soft (with constant application of Aquaphor). My face no longer feels like it is on fire and my face is not unbearably dry. I am afraid to wear makeup, I think that I will break out more, who knows but I am too afraid to try. My dermatologist said that there is nothing on the outside that is going to make my acne worse right now because it is working on the inside. Maybe my face just needs to get used to the make up. I am not the type of girl who parades with a ton of make up on anyways.
Thinking and Writing is well going to serve as its course name says; a lot of thinking and a lot more writing. I do not mind the busy work. As long as I do well, in this class- produce results by showing participation, attendance and a lot of papers. I am good at writing papers and with grammatical help an A should follow in the course no problem. Logic on the other hand is so interesting but sometimes Yorton gets wrapped up in what he is saying that I get confused. We are finding the conclusions and premises in arguments and then diagramming them using numbers and lines to show which ones are the premise and the conclusion. It gets tricky because sometimes because the premises support the conclusion so that is two separate lines when I am diagramming. However, if the premises support each other and one cannot support the conclusion alone then the premises are paired together and one line goes to the conclusion. It sounds boring but I find this more fascinating than statistics which is odd and mildly scary. I am so into learning about this stuff. It is going to get harder, the example I just showed you are two level diagramming, tomorrow I will read about five and six level. It is going to be hard but I think it will be okay. I am nervous for the test next week. It should be okay but when I do the homework I understand it better on the computer, I talk out loud, and I give a little pump of the fist when I get it right. I am so into learning this, it is like a game, if it was a video game I would play all the time…Wow one of the nerdiest things I think I have ever said.
I went in to work for Alex today. It was totally chill. I organized and we talked. I like him so much more than Kattie. Then after that I had to go to weights early with Mel because we lift at seven and I cannot do Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Sunday evenings. Thankfully it is only Monday that is affected. We went to do abs, wow. Oh and I went outside today. Only for about five minutes but I did not have sunscreen on and the wind was blowing like crazy. I think that I am going to test my limits outside from now on. Since I am almost past the two weeks there is no use in feeling like I am all cooped up all the time. We tested out vertical again today. I am right at eight foot eleven mark on a standing jump. I went to test my approach but after weights, plyometrics I only got barely higher. My legs are tired. My hip flexor is killing me. After I rode the elliptical I went and got iced but from the position of the ice bag, well use your imagination…it just looked odd and out of place for my gender.
THEN!! Rodney and I went to stuff animals, no not taxidermy. We decided that we would do this instead going out and spending money on stuffed animals. He made me a hippo, not because he thinks I am a hippo and I made him a koala bear. Something different and not the norm; they even came with little Bethany Swede shirts. I think I am going to decorate his little shirt as a baseball uniform. I am on duty tonight which means it is a homework night and hopefully an early night for bed. Rodney has practice at nine, which is stupid because they are required to have a day off. Some odd feeling tells me it is going to be tomorrow for their day off; which they have another game in Oklahoma on Thursday so that would not be wise. I am not the baseball coach so what to I know. However, Rodney seems to be doing more coaching than playing. Rodney is going to be a phenomenal baseball coach but right now it is not his time to coach. It is his time to enjoy his senior year and be a player. He is so wiped out. I do not even think it is so much from playing as it is from coaching first base during the games and helping the guys on the side. Then there is school in all of this; which could be going better. I just hope all of his books get here by Wednesday.
Mood: A Step Ahead.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Day Twelve
Sunday February 8, 2009
I allowed myself to sleep in until ten today. I just feel like I have wasted half the day if I sleep in any longer. I ended up cleaning until a little after one this morning. Yeah, this is a semi sad reality that I have to come to realize about myself. I mean I still do enjoy going out at night but if I have stuff to do then I will not. I just do not like to put things off. My room and the accessories in my room are probably not the most important on a Saturday night but I like things to be clean and I do not want to be rushed and do a half ass job. Pretty much my whole team went out the night before. I found this out when I arrived at practice this afternoon. I feel kind of out of the loop because they were reminiscing. There will be other times and I will go out. It is just the beginning of the semester and habits are formed early. This may be my attempt at making an excuse that I did not want to get ready and I personally need my alone time, sometimes. Who is judging anyways? That’s right no one. Practice went well. I feel like my back row play is better than front row which is odd for me. I just need to get reps hitting. All things get better with repetition. Then I had to rush to be a work but five. I sometimes feel like all I am doing is rushing from one task to another so by the time the weekend comes, I do not want to do anything. I feel like the odd ball out at this job. Last Friday, one of the football coaches made a comment and asked me why I was working TeleFund instead of working in the Athletic Department. I honestly was dumbfounded. I have absolutely no idea. You know that is where I should be. I just think to myself that not everyone I will encounter outside of college will be an athlete. My coworkers and I get along. They are all in band and Messiah. Two things that I will NEVER be apart of which I am perfectly content with. I guess I just feel awkward there. They all laugh and have their little jokes and then there is me…I can honestly say it is the only place that I have not meshed in with. I am friends with my coworkers, I can say hello, and carry on conversations about their life and what they are interested in. I feel like I am doing what I can, and no offense to anyone, I am not about to join band or choir to humiliate myself just so I can have inside jokes for the ten hours a week at one of my jobs. :)
Rodney came back tonight. He is very tired! He only stayed for about an hour because he had an eight o clock class with Dr. Pigge, who I believe is one of the worst things that ever happened to Bethany College students. Her colleagues would disagree but college is not about the teachers it is about the students hence why students pay money. She is bossy, stubborn, and honestly does not care too much for students especially athletes. Athletes are discriminated at this school. Bethany would not even be a college without athletics. The music department could bring in half as much as athletics. Nothing against music but it is frustrating to be stereotyped especially when I have carried a 4.0 GPA the last two semesters.
I allowed myself to sleep in until ten today. I just feel like I have wasted half the day if I sleep in any longer. I ended up cleaning until a little after one this morning. Yeah, this is a semi sad reality that I have to come to realize about myself. I mean I still do enjoy going out at night but if I have stuff to do then I will not. I just do not like to put things off. My room and the accessories in my room are probably not the most important on a Saturday night but I like things to be clean and I do not want to be rushed and do a half ass job. Pretty much my whole team went out the night before. I found this out when I arrived at practice this afternoon. I feel kind of out of the loop because they were reminiscing. There will be other times and I will go out. It is just the beginning of the semester and habits are formed early. This may be my attempt at making an excuse that I did not want to get ready and I personally need my alone time, sometimes. Who is judging anyways? That’s right no one. Practice went well. I feel like my back row play is better than front row which is odd for me. I just need to get reps hitting. All things get better with repetition. Then I had to rush to be a work but five. I sometimes feel like all I am doing is rushing from one task to another so by the time the weekend comes, I do not want to do anything. I feel like the odd ball out at this job. Last Friday, one of the football coaches made a comment and asked me why I was working TeleFund instead of working in the Athletic Department. I honestly was dumbfounded. I have absolutely no idea. You know that is where I should be. I just think to myself that not everyone I will encounter outside of college will be an athlete. My coworkers and I get along. They are all in band and Messiah. Two things that I will NEVER be apart of which I am perfectly content with. I guess I just feel awkward there. They all laugh and have their little jokes and then there is me…I can honestly say it is the only place that I have not meshed in with. I am friends with my coworkers, I can say hello, and carry on conversations about their life and what they are interested in. I feel like I am doing what I can, and no offense to anyone, I am not about to join band or choir to humiliate myself just so I can have inside jokes for the ten hours a week at one of my jobs. :)
Rodney came back tonight. He is very tired! He only stayed for about an hour because he had an eight o clock class with Dr. Pigge, who I believe is one of the worst things that ever happened to Bethany College students. Her colleagues would disagree but college is not about the teachers it is about the students hence why students pay money. She is bossy, stubborn, and honestly does not care too much for students especially athletes. Athletes are discriminated at this school. Bethany would not even be a college without athletics. The music department could bring in half as much as athletics. Nothing against music but it is frustrating to be stereotyped especially when I have carried a 4.0 GPA the last two semesters.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Disater Into A Bliss
Day Eleven February 7, 2009
Everyone is probably wondering where all the days and diary entries went…Well that makes a few of us then. Last night I went to go write in for day ten and found that my computer said the file did not exist. How can this be, well I do not know. Actually I am better this morning but last night it brought me to tears about the whole shenanigans. Why? Not just because it is an assignment, I mean it is only a few days. It has nothing to do with that at all. I started this journal before I even knew that it would be an assignment. It is because when I am typing I am pouring out everything I am feeling, leaving nothing out. I do this when I speak as well. Things that I am passionate about just overcome me and I release them, using words the best I can, so that others can know too. However, the bad part, once I talk about them they go away. Not the people but the thoughts and emotions that I felt. I think this was why I was able to go through an unhealthy on/off five year relationship. Because good or bad, once I have experienced it and talked about then it is gone, I was just over it. I am going to try to piece back together what the first week of school looked like, starting with the last day in January. What gets me though is that as I am trying to remember what happened, I am trying to visualize what was on the screen not what is in my mind. I just go blank. Last night, I was desperate to find the file. I even called Shawn, who is a computer genius, (well that felt weird to type his name…wow…) Anyways, I was surprised that he even picked up at all. The last time I saw him was the last night I was in CO and we both ended up at the same party. He was there with his girlfriend. Honestly, I do not think I was completely over him until I saw them together. It was not a painful thing for me to see, but I needed to see it so that we could both move on. I wanted to stay friends because he had been in my life so long. I realize we can’t be friends; we can’t be anything but the past to each other. Too much has happened. I mean he saw me walk through the door and I knew he felt sick, because he got up and left; went to go find alcohol and drink away my memory. That happened a lot at the end of our relationship. How awkward it must have been to see us; his first love and his new love in the same room. I wanted to talk to him…but I did not even try nor did he. I am completely content with Rodney, I have a good honest man that pushes me to my limits, and never goes astray. But something about that first young love, it is something not like any other. When you are young there is no such thing as obstacles and stress, well in a sense. He and I thought that, even though everyone was against us, we were going to make it. I dropped the ball. I will admit that it is my fault that we everything ended, well the way it ended anyway. It is for the better though. He hit a plateau and I never stopped growing, and I needed someone that would grow with me. I needed someone that would treat me like a human being and not like a princess. I did love that but in reality this is not a fairy tale. In my opinion, it is two people who are different people themselves, that are able to come together through compromise because they enjoy each other and depend on them and love them. Not to pamper and please. Just to be there and be functional. This is not what I think love is but it is the closest thing to defining a intimate relationship. Honestly, all a girl ever wants is to know she is the only one, is being told the truth, and can depend on someone. Those men are hard to find. I think I found a man like that in my life. I know what to look for because my dad is one of these men as well. It is one of the worst feelings in the world to not feel good enough, like something is wrong with you. My battle with weight derived from being cheated on countless times all by the same guy. I thought that it was me, when in all reality it was him. I do not have to worry about that anymore. I also do not have to worry about someone kissing my ass to prove their love for me. I have someone that I can feel it and I do not have to be constantly told to make me feel at ease.
Wow, I think I wrote nothing the same as I did last night. However, I will save these entries on TWO separate hard drives. Lord, God knows that I could not tell you half of what I just said if I did not have it in front of me. O well. Say it and get on with living!
Well let me try my best to piece together my life starting at
January 31, 2009 Day Four of the medication…
Well…tonight is supposed to be our big date night tonight. But he has baseball. No worries, it is baseball season now. Even though all they are doing is BP. I have no idea what happened during the day but around six in the evening, I finally got my hair to curl and stay. My mom is a genius; she bought the curling iron and the new hairspray. She is so much better at this girl thing than I am. I mean every time up through high school when I wanted my hair curled, she would do it. It should be embarrassing to admit but I was off doing other things and I honestly did not want to practice it. It was perfect every time. So I am learning to do things with my hair since she is not here. The hair and outfit are the biggest part of the decision making for a date. I have not gone wardrobe shopping since before college. Maybe this Spring…Anyways, we decided to go to Tucson’s. I had a good weigh in, so this is my one meal to indulge. I may seem to eat very little, that is because I am trying to be healthy. Boy can I get down on some food. I had a half pound bacon cheeseburger with steak fries. They bring you bread and that was delicious, o and cannot forget the appetizer; potato skins. O it was so good. But I was still hungry, so then we went to Bogey’s and I got, wait for it…a chocolate chip cookie dough with banana and Oreo milk shake. It is one of the best things EVER! I was on duty that night so he dropped me off after dinner and I went and hung out with Josie and the gang for a bit. Now I remember what I did during the day, I cleaned every crevice of my room, even the drawers and under the bed. I do not like to mess around when it comes to cleaning. You either do it all perfect or you do not do it at all. That is one thing I learned from my dad. If you are going to half ass something then do not do it at all. If you do your best, then the best product will come as a result. This is why I am so hard on my self when it comes to grades. I believe that if I do my best, truly my best that I should never get anything less than an A. Do I struggle in classes, you bet. That is what makes the A mean something. The struggle is what is rewarding, normally at the sign of struggle people give up, not him…so then not me. It is not just on the court where I want to win
Side note- My dad is the person that I look up to the most. We have had our disagreements but Lord have mercy he has been right every damn time. I used to think he was controlling every big decision I had to make. That whatever made him happy was the choice I was suppose to make. I look back and it was never like that at all. He sees things that I can’t. (No, not dead people.) He can see the obstacles ahead, which I am sometimes naïve and cannot see. If anyone asks me what was the best decision I ever made, it would be going out of state for college; something that I did not want to do but I trusted both of my parents. Like is all about the journey to getting to where you want to be, not the destination. There were times where my mom should have probably kicked me down the stairs, God I was a stupid teenager that knew everything. She was there for me when I did not want her there and now she is here for me all the time. So when all is said and done, and I reach the top…I will take my hat off to them. Sure, I had to do the things to get there but they directed me, loved me, and showed me. Side note within a side note; this medication makes me emotional. Not mean or moody but mellow and well I just think a lot.
Day Five: Super Bowl Sunday is here. Well we had practice and that went well. However, I did not get out of the gym until after five and then I had to go and get ready. Rodney, me, Brian, and Tanya all went to a bar called Legends to watch the Super Bowl. The bar had an all you can eat buffet; with chips, little smokies in barbeque sauce, Swedish meatballs, stuffed jalapenos, wings, and popcorn chicken. Well I tried everything. I actually kind of liked the barbeque sauce, I know weird right. The stuffed jalapenos were not spicy or anything but they were good but I only had two and gave Rodney the other one. After let’s be gracious and say two rounds of the buffet, Rodney sneaks and orders us a Brownie with ice cream and with the works sundae. I was craving one, so it was weird that he knew. I probably told him. O my word it was glorious! After the Super Bowl we went back to his house and made a pan of brownies; triple chocolate. You see, Rodney and I strictly watch what we eat during the week. We both like I said have one cheat meal. Yeah, well we also have this philosophy that if we do it together then there it is not being fatties. My mood that night was craving brownies…and they were good!
All I remember about Monday, day six, is me being stressed because I was calling doctors, nurses, optometrists in two different states, while trying to figure all this out with my parents since we switched insurance. We had practice today which was not bad at all. I had to do my lifting early because we have a meeting tonight. I LOVE Alex. I am so glad Kattie is gone. I feel like I can breath and not have to worry about being stabbed in the back by my own boss. That meeting lasted until eleven. We were talking about programming and the works. I am going to be on duty a lot, but I do not mind it.
Rodney came over and he left around mid night and then I went to sleep. I could not sleep because my refrigerator was making obnoxious noises, something like a lawn mower. It would not have bothered me so much but when I put the elliptical in my room; I moved my refrigerator into my bedroom so it could hold the TV. So it is literally less than five feet away from me.
Day Seven: The first day of class has arrived!
Well I started out with Learning. I was a little hesitant because I have heard from my peers that this teacher was not the greatest. Not because she does not know anything but I heard that she got upset easy and sometimes looked down upon students. It is a new semester and a lot could have changed. Douglas said, before I even knew of her, that I would like her. She worked with dolphins and has a master’s degree in Animal Behavior. I think that if I go to grad school I want to get my degree in Animal Behavior as well. I want to study killer whales, well actually I want to interact with them; touch them, swim with them, feed them. That has been my dream since I was six. Yeah, I still want to be a motivational speaker. However, I cannot encourage people to follow their dreams and goals if I do not follow mine. Anyways this new teacher says that we might get to be working with dogs, in hands on learning experience. I like her already. I think she came in with a bad rap to the class, as I studied her I saw that she is really is doing the best she can, she is smiling and changing the tone of her voice. She even interprets a dog’s yelp, so this shows she is trying to engage with us which is something every teacher needs to do. She is from Indiana and her husband is their. I think people are allowed to have bad weeks especially if she lives alone and her only contact with people is her students and coworkers. She drives back in the weekends but even still long distance relationships are hard. College is not only hard for students but it is also hard for teachers. They have lives outside of us, but her life is only on the weekends…I already told myself that if she publically tries to criticize me for trying in class, I am going to be nice and tell her that it is not appropriate that we are not animals, we are people. She chastised kids last year because they were not grasping concepts quick enough. So I am going to be nice, if it does happen. Now onto Isaacson, dun dun dun. No really, even though he and I always seem to butt heads in one way or another, but it is good for the both of us. I like to think we challenge each other. I already know I am going to love this class. Even though there is a research paper, yuck! There is also a relationship map. It is only 100 points but I have not stopped sketching ideas. I just keep getting new ideas.
We conditioned today. I feel like Lisa, in a sense, last year she was the in tip top shape. I am not saying that I am because I have a ways to go but I am first now. Instead of in the bottom half, I get to be the leader even though Coach runs her team on a senior favorite basis. I get to push them, and I can back it up with my work ethic. I think this is something that rubbed on me from Rodney. When we got done I went in to the training room to fill up my water bottle. I felt bad; Stone went to touch my face. (My face already is red and feels like it is on fire.) I tell him nothing can touch my face. Sharp, then asks why. I tell him I am on Accutane. “Oh…I was on that,” he says. I start telling him about it. Everyone is talking and I am smiling and everything. He looks at me as I was walking out and says, “Your weird.” I look at him and say, “No, I am Anna Alexis, I do not know how to be anything else.” “Anna?” I look at him as he says, “Bye.” I wave but then go on my merry way. I think I left a good first impression. Everyone assumes that since I am on this medication my life stops because my face is the same color as my lips. I may look bad, but I am okay. Sure my body takes a longer time to recover from working out, but I am still on the top of my game. That is how I do things. My coach always asks me how I am feeling, if I am okay. I love being able to say yes! It shows that I can be highly medicated and still perform well in every aspect of my life.
Rodney does not say anything but I know he does not like what the medication is doing to me. It is okay, I do not judge him for that. He sees that it hurts me, and so as a result he does not like it. In a way, he is treating me like I am a glass object. He does not want to rough house around because he is afraid something will touch my face and hurt me. I am constantly wearing Chap Stick so kissing me is not always a joy. And then after we kiss, I have to hurry and put more on. I stopped using the cherry because it would just sit on my lips. I think it still bothers him. He jokingly said that he would break up with me when I get my glasses. I just laughed. Joking with me is his way of dealing with it. He sees that I cannot open my mouth very far, so eating a Subway sandwich is almost impossible. He and I talked about it when I got off work today. He said that he will try to better. I think he is surprised that I am taking this so well. I mean I usually am the one who is fawning over what I see in the mirror in a negative way. Of course I see it, but I know I am in control of my reaction.
Mood: Time for Bed.
Day Eight February 4, 2009
My schedule this semester makes it to where I have a 9:10 class every day; which will keep me in a routine but I liked last year being able to sleep in on Tuesday and Thursday. O well. Thinking and Writing-I already feel like I am going to do well in this class. It is a gen ed requirement and I should of taken it my freshman year but everything happens for a reason. The only thing that is going to get me is my grammar. I can write a hell of a paper, but punctuation means nothing to me. I had a teacher in this fall, who is one of my favorite teachers of all time, said that I can write however I want because I will have an editor do it for me in the future. So every paper I wrote, I wrote just like I am now. I would type it, read it over again to make sure I said exactly what I needed to say then I turned it in. It was graded on content not grammar! Golden!
Rodney and I made a bet in the previous semester that I could not get an A in a class with Dr. Yorton. It seems interesting. I have him for Logic. So far we are breaking down the premises and conclusions of arguments. Like a proposition is a string of arguments. He said that by the end of the semester we should be able to break down an entire five page paper to see if it all makes sense. This sounds like torture, but to me it sounds so fun. To be able to know an entire essay is a sound argument because you know how to break it down. I just hope it is something I can achieve. I mean I struggle with these concepts but each time I get better. We will see. I leave his homework until the day before class so that it will be fresh in my mind and I can understand it.
I ordered and paid for my glasses today. Heavens! I was there forever. But the Matt guy that I had been talking to takes really good care of me. He was the only one on staff and there was a plethora of needy individuals. He was straight up with me and got me the best deal. He went to tell me what he recommended for lenses and I said that I trusted him to pick. Any man that will go out of there way for a stranger to help, no matter how big or small, can be trusted; well at least to me in this situation. As a result, I did not make it into work. O well this was mildly important.
Mood: Wiped Out
Day Nine: February 5, 2009
This is the first morning that I woke up feeling refreshed. I usually get up at least once to use the restroom. I think I was just so exhausted from the previous day’s events, either way I feel rested today. Learning went well. I grasped what I needed to from the reading. She made a study guide and we had good class discussion. Then I went and had lunch with Rodney. He leaves tomorrow for Oklahoma.
I was surprised to find out that Interpersonal goes until 3:15. I thought it ended at 2:50. The class never drags on so I do not feel like the extra time is a form of cruel and unusual punishment. However, we started practice at three today. I ran in the weight room when I got done, telling coach I had class and that I thought we were practicing at 3:30, like always. We did agility after that which was FUN. I think it is because I am in shape so I am not dying or tired. I honestly, do not understand how athletes can go months without working out. Personally, I would gain a bunch of unwanted weight, so that is why I continue to workout all year round. Abs was KILLER. But I love that sore, tired feeling that muscles get, because it means that we are using them. However, my hip flexor really hurts. Which is odd and painful but I try to stretch it. Coach and I talked about me coming in early to do a few lifts so that when I got into the weight room then I could lift with the team but still accomplish everything. I love that she is so flexible and understanding. It makes me want to work hard for her. It is also a big change from last year. Do not get me wrong, I do like Crutcher. That was just because she was brutal. I felt like all of my volleyball talent would come out because she demanded nothing less than the best. Stephenson has a different approach. I like how if you want to succeed and get better then you come to her to help you. She does not force or pressure you to do anything you do not want to do. These are two very effective coaching styles just very different. Crutcher held grudges, and if you got on her bad side then that was it for your playing time. Brit was not going to play because of credits, but Laughery was not going to play because she got on her bad side. I was being molded into the second outside. Last Spring I was in the gym four times a day; more out of fear and meanness than desire. I wanted to play, I wanted to win…It did not matter the cost or who was affected. This season was different. It seemed that seniors rule everything, which is something that I did not particularly like. I did not mind it in this past season but it is affecting me now. I think this is because I have been her just as long as Leah has. We are the only one’s left from the original season. (There is Josie but she is in track and we will not see her training with us until August.) It is like we are not all equal; that the seniors are on top and then there is the rest of us, like it is all about making this year perfect for the seniors. It is okay that she wants to make it the best year for them, so do I, because I love our seniors but I also want to be treated as an equal member of the team. Captains should be based on Leadership not on Seniority, well either way I would be a captain then. I think we need to have two permanent captains to lead the team. Like I just stated, captains are leaders and it is an important role, it means the team depends on you on and off the court.
We played tonight. I was semi happy with the way that I played but I had to leave early. Coach said I did some nice things, which means something to me. I want to work my butt off to be a starting outside for her. Grade level will not matter next year. I will be there because I am better, I am vocal, I will be dependable. I want to be apart of the team not just on the team. I just have to work hard and prove it to her, to my teammates, and to myself.
Day Ten: Friday, February 6, 2009
Rodney left this morning. He will be gone the whole weekend. I am going to like this because I can get a lot of stuff done before school gets really hectic; like cleaning and shopping for necessities in my dorm. I have accepted that shopping is for me and baseball video games are for him.
We did not have Thinking and Writing today but we did have Logic. I am struggling because I am finding mildly difficult to stay focused. My mind is wandering, I am trying to grasp the concepts but I know that I will not truly understand them until I read it outside of class. So I think what I am going to do is read ahead, then he will talk about it in class, then I will read it again. Somehow if I move my arms and speak out loud I understand things better. I am doing this not for an A but because I want to understand what he is talking about, I want to learn and execute what I learned in the future. I mean if I grasp it, an A will com regardless. College to me is getting to take classes you are interested in. I want to actually learn not just come to class because I am required to.
I was supposed to run outside today but it is windy and the doctor said that I have to watch out for wind burn more than I do sun burn. In Kansas it is windy most of the time. I rode the elliptical instead, which I enjoyed anyway. Then I did not have to ride it when I got back to my dorm. I told Leah that we should play Sunday instead of Saturday to give our bodies one day of rest. She said no… but I heard we are playing on Sunday anyways. Thankfully. I needed the break. I do not think she understands that this medication wipes me out. I give every ounce of energy, I have six days a week. I just need one day. Also everyone has lives outside of volleyball. I am dedicated but I also have school, work, other responsibilities, a boyfriend, and I need my own time for me. I need to talk to my coach about this too. Some days we do a workout and then come back for another workout instead of doing it all in one. I have to do it all in one. Because I give everything I have and when I leave the gym, I do not want to come back and do anything except play. I just use all my energy. Especially after dinner, I take that second pill and I just want to relax. With my busy schedule that is never a possibility.
One of my friends came to me to talk. I was getting ready for the play and attempting to scrunch my hair (WHICH WORKED AND LOOKED AWESOME. I do not know how to do anything with my hair, so this is a big step.) We started talking about weight and I told her what I was doing eating wise. She says that it hard to be in the caf and want to loose weight when you sit with my friends. Which it is, Josie has a metabolism, she goes through three to four plates of food every meal, and never gains an ounce. Everyone is different but I eat with them rarely because I started getting called anorexic because I would only eat a sandwich with a side dish of fruit. I said she needs to eat with me; she is in track so she has the workout part down. I befriended her. She said she felt so bad for me. I said why and she replied because of how my face looks. It honestly took me by surprise. I do not feel sorry for myself and honestly, whether I am in denial or acceptance, my face does not really bother me that much. I just know someday it will not be like this and it will be better.
We went to see the musical. Gabe was sitting by himself so I offered that he come and sit with us. I am very friendly this semester and I am not afraid to engage in people’s lives. I like it. The Musical was AWESOME. I am taking Rodney next weekend to see it!
Here is when the dilemma started; when my original Accutane file was erased. After rewriting all of this, I feel better. I may have missed some details but I feel like this one is better than the original anyway.
I went to midnight movie even though I was not quite up to it because loosing all of this information. I took Carrie to see He’s Just Not That Into You. It was awesome. I am going to buy it. I was going between that movie and Taken. Rodney wants to see Taken, so I am going to wait. I knew that he would not enjoy this movie as much, this is a chick flick. I lost my phone in my purse, making it twice in one day. Honestly, this day did not go well at the end. I was crying because I lost my file, and then my phone, I thought I was losing my mind. Went to bed upset.
Day Eleven: Back to where we started. After doing all the homework I could muster for that day I went shopping. For clothes? No I wish! I went the thrift store and bought mixing bowls and a coffee table to set my stack of electronics on. My refrigerator now does not sound like lawn mower. (My mom had this genius idea). Then to the Dollar Store, I found stickers that match my shower curtain so now there is an array of Gerber daisies in my bathroom. Then to Wal-Mart where I felt like half of my life went by me since I was in there so long. I bought cooking supplies, cookie sheets, and an array of different items. I swear when I need stuff it ends up turning into a hundred dollar day. I bought all of this because I am going to be learning to bake. I am using the baseball team as my subjects. I love our baseball boys and I am in love with Number 29 or RodneyBear as I like to call him. I also want this to be the best senior year for Rodney. I know how much baseball means to him. So I just want to give him the best, as best as I can. Will baking change anything, maybe not but hey I will learn, people will enjoy, and who knows what will come of it.
I weighed in exactly the same as last week which did not bother me because after the weekend splurge from the previous weekend I am grateful. I went to Bogey’s for my treat; a chocolate chip cookie dough and banana with Oreo; a taste of heaven because it gets me every time. I usually demolish it within ten minutes but I ate a little, unloaded the car, and then savored it. Took me thirty minutes, oh it was delightfully delicious. I cleaned and cleaned the rest of the night. Talked with Rodney, he comes home tomorrow night. He was on Brian’s phone since Rodney forgot his charger. I tell him to make a list, but no. Its okay at least he got all the important stuff. I talked with Brian a little. He and I have a complex relationship and he is completely unaware. He is excited for me to start cooking. I think if we all pitch in then everything will work out smoothly. That is probably not going to happen since he has not paid a single utilities bill. I really do like Brian, he is sweet and funny. He is a lot of things. He is also lazy and depends on others to do things for him. It might be because we are opposites in this. I always believed, well I was taught; never let anyone do something for you that you can do by yourself. Why? Because they will mess it up. So when I was a freshman in high school and there was a 53-foot semi-trailer to unload into our new house, who did it; my dad and I. In student government, I put on an entire Pep assembly by myself, and it was keenly brilliant. The way I incorporated every event to flow together to encompass the Homecoming Theme. None of the students know the brilliance of the intertwining events…but I do. I struggle with this as well. I had Rodney come over to help me position my room since I brought an elliptical back to school with me. And like every other time I have asked him, he sits there. Not because he does not want to help but because I nonverbally communicate that I do not want his help. I do this by moving everything myself and never once asking him for help. I have a hard time asking for help; it makes me feel like I am inadequate. He just keeps me company which is why I think I invite him over anyway. Back to Brian, I pondered what is it that bugs me so much about him. I figured out that it is because I have a little sister who does the same thing he does. She has everything, she is smart, a future Division I volleyball player. I am so proud of her. She lives on the philosophy, “Why do anything if you can get someone else to do it for you.” I am going to be patient with Brian. It is very plausible that if Rodney and I continue our relationship, Brian will be our roommate in the future which is not something I look forward too unless Brian makes a big change into becoming a “big boy” or adult.
I was trying to sleep but my Relationship Map for class keeps running through my mind. If it comes out the way it is in my head, it is going to be stunner!
Mood: Accomplished.
Thus far in the week my symptoms are mainly just the red in my face, my face is the same color as my lips. Some acne but only three of four pimples have shown up since I started the treatment. My face is generally clear just the scars. I itch, mainly around the base of my face, upper neck and head. I have a wind burn on my right leg. I have to put lotion on twice a day to avoid from itching everywhere. Accidently scratched my nose and I have a scar there now. My body feels constantly sore somewhere. My mouth is not noticeably dry. My nose is starting to dry out. My eyes are dry almost all of the time, with mild bearable irritation. I use my Aquaphor constantly. My lips are very dry but are still normal looking and soft as a result of the Aquaphor.
Everyone is probably wondering where all the days and diary entries went…Well that makes a few of us then. Last night I went to go write in for day ten and found that my computer said the file did not exist. How can this be, well I do not know. Actually I am better this morning but last night it brought me to tears about the whole shenanigans. Why? Not just because it is an assignment, I mean it is only a few days. It has nothing to do with that at all. I started this journal before I even knew that it would be an assignment. It is because when I am typing I am pouring out everything I am feeling, leaving nothing out. I do this when I speak as well. Things that I am passionate about just overcome me and I release them, using words the best I can, so that others can know too. However, the bad part, once I talk about them they go away. Not the people but the thoughts and emotions that I felt. I think this was why I was able to go through an unhealthy on/off five year relationship. Because good or bad, once I have experienced it and talked about then it is gone, I was just over it. I am going to try to piece back together what the first week of school looked like, starting with the last day in January. What gets me though is that as I am trying to remember what happened, I am trying to visualize what was on the screen not what is in my mind. I just go blank. Last night, I was desperate to find the file. I even called Shawn, who is a computer genius, (well that felt weird to type his name…wow…) Anyways, I was surprised that he even picked up at all. The last time I saw him was the last night I was in CO and we both ended up at the same party. He was there with his girlfriend. Honestly, I do not think I was completely over him until I saw them together. It was not a painful thing for me to see, but I needed to see it so that we could both move on. I wanted to stay friends because he had been in my life so long. I realize we can’t be friends; we can’t be anything but the past to each other. Too much has happened. I mean he saw me walk through the door and I knew he felt sick, because he got up and left; went to go find alcohol and drink away my memory. That happened a lot at the end of our relationship. How awkward it must have been to see us; his first love and his new love in the same room. I wanted to talk to him…but I did not even try nor did he. I am completely content with Rodney, I have a good honest man that pushes me to my limits, and never goes astray. But something about that first young love, it is something not like any other. When you are young there is no such thing as obstacles and stress, well in a sense. He and I thought that, even though everyone was against us, we were going to make it. I dropped the ball. I will admit that it is my fault that we everything ended, well the way it ended anyway. It is for the better though. He hit a plateau and I never stopped growing, and I needed someone that would grow with me. I needed someone that would treat me like a human being and not like a princess. I did love that but in reality this is not a fairy tale. In my opinion, it is two people who are different people themselves, that are able to come together through compromise because they enjoy each other and depend on them and love them. Not to pamper and please. Just to be there and be functional. This is not what I think love is but it is the closest thing to defining a intimate relationship. Honestly, all a girl ever wants is to know she is the only one, is being told the truth, and can depend on someone. Those men are hard to find. I think I found a man like that in my life. I know what to look for because my dad is one of these men as well. It is one of the worst feelings in the world to not feel good enough, like something is wrong with you. My battle with weight derived from being cheated on countless times all by the same guy. I thought that it was me, when in all reality it was him. I do not have to worry about that anymore. I also do not have to worry about someone kissing my ass to prove their love for me. I have someone that I can feel it and I do not have to be constantly told to make me feel at ease.
Wow, I think I wrote nothing the same as I did last night. However, I will save these entries on TWO separate hard drives. Lord, God knows that I could not tell you half of what I just said if I did not have it in front of me. O well. Say it and get on with living!
Well let me try my best to piece together my life starting at
January 31, 2009 Day Four of the medication…
Well…tonight is supposed to be our big date night tonight. But he has baseball. No worries, it is baseball season now. Even though all they are doing is BP. I have no idea what happened during the day but around six in the evening, I finally got my hair to curl and stay. My mom is a genius; she bought the curling iron and the new hairspray. She is so much better at this girl thing than I am. I mean every time up through high school when I wanted my hair curled, she would do it. It should be embarrassing to admit but I was off doing other things and I honestly did not want to practice it. It was perfect every time. So I am learning to do things with my hair since she is not here. The hair and outfit are the biggest part of the decision making for a date. I have not gone wardrobe shopping since before college. Maybe this Spring…Anyways, we decided to go to Tucson’s. I had a good weigh in, so this is my one meal to indulge. I may seem to eat very little, that is because I am trying to be healthy. Boy can I get down on some food. I had a half pound bacon cheeseburger with steak fries. They bring you bread and that was delicious, o and cannot forget the appetizer; potato skins. O it was so good. But I was still hungry, so then we went to Bogey’s and I got, wait for it…a chocolate chip cookie dough with banana and Oreo milk shake. It is one of the best things EVER! I was on duty that night so he dropped me off after dinner and I went and hung out with Josie and the gang for a bit. Now I remember what I did during the day, I cleaned every crevice of my room, even the drawers and under the bed. I do not like to mess around when it comes to cleaning. You either do it all perfect or you do not do it at all. That is one thing I learned from my dad. If you are going to half ass something then do not do it at all. If you do your best, then the best product will come as a result. This is why I am so hard on my self when it comes to grades. I believe that if I do my best, truly my best that I should never get anything less than an A. Do I struggle in classes, you bet. That is what makes the A mean something. The struggle is what is rewarding, normally at the sign of struggle people give up, not him…so then not me. It is not just on the court where I want to win
Side note- My dad is the person that I look up to the most. We have had our disagreements but Lord have mercy he has been right every damn time. I used to think he was controlling every big decision I had to make. That whatever made him happy was the choice I was suppose to make. I look back and it was never like that at all. He sees things that I can’t. (No, not dead people.) He can see the obstacles ahead, which I am sometimes naïve and cannot see. If anyone asks me what was the best decision I ever made, it would be going out of state for college; something that I did not want to do but I trusted both of my parents. Like is all about the journey to getting to where you want to be, not the destination. There were times where my mom should have probably kicked me down the stairs, God I was a stupid teenager that knew everything. She was there for me when I did not want her there and now she is here for me all the time. So when all is said and done, and I reach the top…I will take my hat off to them. Sure, I had to do the things to get there but they directed me, loved me, and showed me. Side note within a side note; this medication makes me emotional. Not mean or moody but mellow and well I just think a lot.
Day Five: Super Bowl Sunday is here. Well we had practice and that went well. However, I did not get out of the gym until after five and then I had to go and get ready. Rodney, me, Brian, and Tanya all went to a bar called Legends to watch the Super Bowl. The bar had an all you can eat buffet; with chips, little smokies in barbeque sauce, Swedish meatballs, stuffed jalapenos, wings, and popcorn chicken. Well I tried everything. I actually kind of liked the barbeque sauce, I know weird right. The stuffed jalapenos were not spicy or anything but they were good but I only had two and gave Rodney the other one. After let’s be gracious and say two rounds of the buffet, Rodney sneaks and orders us a Brownie with ice cream and with the works sundae. I was craving one, so it was weird that he knew. I probably told him. O my word it was glorious! After the Super Bowl we went back to his house and made a pan of brownies; triple chocolate. You see, Rodney and I strictly watch what we eat during the week. We both like I said have one cheat meal. Yeah, well we also have this philosophy that if we do it together then there it is not being fatties. My mood that night was craving brownies…and they were good!
All I remember about Monday, day six, is me being stressed because I was calling doctors, nurses, optometrists in two different states, while trying to figure all this out with my parents since we switched insurance. We had practice today which was not bad at all. I had to do my lifting early because we have a meeting tonight. I LOVE Alex. I am so glad Kattie is gone. I feel like I can breath and not have to worry about being stabbed in the back by my own boss. That meeting lasted until eleven. We were talking about programming and the works. I am going to be on duty a lot, but I do not mind it.
Rodney came over and he left around mid night and then I went to sleep. I could not sleep because my refrigerator was making obnoxious noises, something like a lawn mower. It would not have bothered me so much but when I put the elliptical in my room; I moved my refrigerator into my bedroom so it could hold the TV. So it is literally less than five feet away from me.
Day Seven: The first day of class has arrived!
Well I started out with Learning. I was a little hesitant because I have heard from my peers that this teacher was not the greatest. Not because she does not know anything but I heard that she got upset easy and sometimes looked down upon students. It is a new semester and a lot could have changed. Douglas said, before I even knew of her, that I would like her. She worked with dolphins and has a master’s degree in Animal Behavior. I think that if I go to grad school I want to get my degree in Animal Behavior as well. I want to study killer whales, well actually I want to interact with them; touch them, swim with them, feed them. That has been my dream since I was six. Yeah, I still want to be a motivational speaker. However, I cannot encourage people to follow their dreams and goals if I do not follow mine. Anyways this new teacher says that we might get to be working with dogs, in hands on learning experience. I like her already. I think she came in with a bad rap to the class, as I studied her I saw that she is really is doing the best she can, she is smiling and changing the tone of her voice. She even interprets a dog’s yelp, so this shows she is trying to engage with us which is something every teacher needs to do. She is from Indiana and her husband is their. I think people are allowed to have bad weeks especially if she lives alone and her only contact with people is her students and coworkers. She drives back in the weekends but even still long distance relationships are hard. College is not only hard for students but it is also hard for teachers. They have lives outside of us, but her life is only on the weekends…I already told myself that if she publically tries to criticize me for trying in class, I am going to be nice and tell her that it is not appropriate that we are not animals, we are people. She chastised kids last year because they were not grasping concepts quick enough. So I am going to be nice, if it does happen. Now onto Isaacson, dun dun dun. No really, even though he and I always seem to butt heads in one way or another, but it is good for the both of us. I like to think we challenge each other. I already know I am going to love this class. Even though there is a research paper, yuck! There is also a relationship map. It is only 100 points but I have not stopped sketching ideas. I just keep getting new ideas.
We conditioned today. I feel like Lisa, in a sense, last year she was the in tip top shape. I am not saying that I am because I have a ways to go but I am first now. Instead of in the bottom half, I get to be the leader even though Coach runs her team on a senior favorite basis. I get to push them, and I can back it up with my work ethic. I think this is something that rubbed on me from Rodney. When we got done I went in to the training room to fill up my water bottle. I felt bad; Stone went to touch my face. (My face already is red and feels like it is on fire.) I tell him nothing can touch my face. Sharp, then asks why. I tell him I am on Accutane. “Oh…I was on that,” he says. I start telling him about it. Everyone is talking and I am smiling and everything. He looks at me as I was walking out and says, “Your weird.” I look at him and say, “No, I am Anna Alexis, I do not know how to be anything else.” “Anna?” I look at him as he says, “Bye.” I wave but then go on my merry way. I think I left a good first impression. Everyone assumes that since I am on this medication my life stops because my face is the same color as my lips. I may look bad, but I am okay. Sure my body takes a longer time to recover from working out, but I am still on the top of my game. That is how I do things. My coach always asks me how I am feeling, if I am okay. I love being able to say yes! It shows that I can be highly medicated and still perform well in every aspect of my life.
Rodney does not say anything but I know he does not like what the medication is doing to me. It is okay, I do not judge him for that. He sees that it hurts me, and so as a result he does not like it. In a way, he is treating me like I am a glass object. He does not want to rough house around because he is afraid something will touch my face and hurt me. I am constantly wearing Chap Stick so kissing me is not always a joy. And then after we kiss, I have to hurry and put more on. I stopped using the cherry because it would just sit on my lips. I think it still bothers him. He jokingly said that he would break up with me when I get my glasses. I just laughed. Joking with me is his way of dealing with it. He sees that I cannot open my mouth very far, so eating a Subway sandwich is almost impossible. He and I talked about it when I got off work today. He said that he will try to better. I think he is surprised that I am taking this so well. I mean I usually am the one who is fawning over what I see in the mirror in a negative way. Of course I see it, but I know I am in control of my reaction.
Mood: Time for Bed.
Day Eight February 4, 2009
My schedule this semester makes it to where I have a 9:10 class every day; which will keep me in a routine but I liked last year being able to sleep in on Tuesday and Thursday. O well. Thinking and Writing-I already feel like I am going to do well in this class. It is a gen ed requirement and I should of taken it my freshman year but everything happens for a reason. The only thing that is going to get me is my grammar. I can write a hell of a paper, but punctuation means nothing to me. I had a teacher in this fall, who is one of my favorite teachers of all time, said that I can write however I want because I will have an editor do it for me in the future. So every paper I wrote, I wrote just like I am now. I would type it, read it over again to make sure I said exactly what I needed to say then I turned it in. It was graded on content not grammar! Golden!
Rodney and I made a bet in the previous semester that I could not get an A in a class with Dr. Yorton. It seems interesting. I have him for Logic. So far we are breaking down the premises and conclusions of arguments. Like a proposition is a string of arguments. He said that by the end of the semester we should be able to break down an entire five page paper to see if it all makes sense. This sounds like torture, but to me it sounds so fun. To be able to know an entire essay is a sound argument because you know how to break it down. I just hope it is something I can achieve. I mean I struggle with these concepts but each time I get better. We will see. I leave his homework until the day before class so that it will be fresh in my mind and I can understand it.
I ordered and paid for my glasses today. Heavens! I was there forever. But the Matt guy that I had been talking to takes really good care of me. He was the only one on staff and there was a plethora of needy individuals. He was straight up with me and got me the best deal. He went to tell me what he recommended for lenses and I said that I trusted him to pick. Any man that will go out of there way for a stranger to help, no matter how big or small, can be trusted; well at least to me in this situation. As a result, I did not make it into work. O well this was mildly important.
Mood: Wiped Out
Day Nine: February 5, 2009
This is the first morning that I woke up feeling refreshed. I usually get up at least once to use the restroom. I think I was just so exhausted from the previous day’s events, either way I feel rested today. Learning went well. I grasped what I needed to from the reading. She made a study guide and we had good class discussion. Then I went and had lunch with Rodney. He leaves tomorrow for Oklahoma.
I was surprised to find out that Interpersonal goes until 3:15. I thought it ended at 2:50. The class never drags on so I do not feel like the extra time is a form of cruel and unusual punishment. However, we started practice at three today. I ran in the weight room when I got done, telling coach I had class and that I thought we were practicing at 3:30, like always. We did agility after that which was FUN. I think it is because I am in shape so I am not dying or tired. I honestly, do not understand how athletes can go months without working out. Personally, I would gain a bunch of unwanted weight, so that is why I continue to workout all year round. Abs was KILLER. But I love that sore, tired feeling that muscles get, because it means that we are using them. However, my hip flexor really hurts. Which is odd and painful but I try to stretch it. Coach and I talked about me coming in early to do a few lifts so that when I got into the weight room then I could lift with the team but still accomplish everything. I love that she is so flexible and understanding. It makes me want to work hard for her. It is also a big change from last year. Do not get me wrong, I do like Crutcher. That was just because she was brutal. I felt like all of my volleyball talent would come out because she demanded nothing less than the best. Stephenson has a different approach. I like how if you want to succeed and get better then you come to her to help you. She does not force or pressure you to do anything you do not want to do. These are two very effective coaching styles just very different. Crutcher held grudges, and if you got on her bad side then that was it for your playing time. Brit was not going to play because of credits, but Laughery was not going to play because she got on her bad side. I was being molded into the second outside. Last Spring I was in the gym four times a day; more out of fear and meanness than desire. I wanted to play, I wanted to win…It did not matter the cost or who was affected. This season was different. It seemed that seniors rule everything, which is something that I did not particularly like. I did not mind it in this past season but it is affecting me now. I think this is because I have been her just as long as Leah has. We are the only one’s left from the original season. (There is Josie but she is in track and we will not see her training with us until August.) It is like we are not all equal; that the seniors are on top and then there is the rest of us, like it is all about making this year perfect for the seniors. It is okay that she wants to make it the best year for them, so do I, because I love our seniors but I also want to be treated as an equal member of the team. Captains should be based on Leadership not on Seniority, well either way I would be a captain then. I think we need to have two permanent captains to lead the team. Like I just stated, captains are leaders and it is an important role, it means the team depends on you on and off the court.
We played tonight. I was semi happy with the way that I played but I had to leave early. Coach said I did some nice things, which means something to me. I want to work my butt off to be a starting outside for her. Grade level will not matter next year. I will be there because I am better, I am vocal, I will be dependable. I want to be apart of the team not just on the team. I just have to work hard and prove it to her, to my teammates, and to myself.
Day Ten: Friday, February 6, 2009
Rodney left this morning. He will be gone the whole weekend. I am going to like this because I can get a lot of stuff done before school gets really hectic; like cleaning and shopping for necessities in my dorm. I have accepted that shopping is for me and baseball video games are for him.
We did not have Thinking and Writing today but we did have Logic. I am struggling because I am finding mildly difficult to stay focused. My mind is wandering, I am trying to grasp the concepts but I know that I will not truly understand them until I read it outside of class. So I think what I am going to do is read ahead, then he will talk about it in class, then I will read it again. Somehow if I move my arms and speak out loud I understand things better. I am doing this not for an A but because I want to understand what he is talking about, I want to learn and execute what I learned in the future. I mean if I grasp it, an A will com regardless. College to me is getting to take classes you are interested in. I want to actually learn not just come to class because I am required to.
I was supposed to run outside today but it is windy and the doctor said that I have to watch out for wind burn more than I do sun burn. In Kansas it is windy most of the time. I rode the elliptical instead, which I enjoyed anyway. Then I did not have to ride it when I got back to my dorm. I told Leah that we should play Sunday instead of Saturday to give our bodies one day of rest. She said no… but I heard we are playing on Sunday anyways. Thankfully. I needed the break. I do not think she understands that this medication wipes me out. I give every ounce of energy, I have six days a week. I just need one day. Also everyone has lives outside of volleyball. I am dedicated but I also have school, work, other responsibilities, a boyfriend, and I need my own time for me. I need to talk to my coach about this too. Some days we do a workout and then come back for another workout instead of doing it all in one. I have to do it all in one. Because I give everything I have and when I leave the gym, I do not want to come back and do anything except play. I just use all my energy. Especially after dinner, I take that second pill and I just want to relax. With my busy schedule that is never a possibility.
One of my friends came to me to talk. I was getting ready for the play and attempting to scrunch my hair (WHICH WORKED AND LOOKED AWESOME. I do not know how to do anything with my hair, so this is a big step.) We started talking about weight and I told her what I was doing eating wise. She says that it hard to be in the caf and want to loose weight when you sit with my friends. Which it is, Josie has a metabolism, she goes through three to four plates of food every meal, and never gains an ounce. Everyone is different but I eat with them rarely because I started getting called anorexic because I would only eat a sandwich with a side dish of fruit. I said she needs to eat with me; she is in track so she has the workout part down. I befriended her. She said she felt so bad for me. I said why and she replied because of how my face looks. It honestly took me by surprise. I do not feel sorry for myself and honestly, whether I am in denial or acceptance, my face does not really bother me that much. I just know someday it will not be like this and it will be better.
We went to see the musical. Gabe was sitting by himself so I offered that he come and sit with us. I am very friendly this semester and I am not afraid to engage in people’s lives. I like it. The Musical was AWESOME. I am taking Rodney next weekend to see it!
Here is when the dilemma started; when my original Accutane file was erased. After rewriting all of this, I feel better. I may have missed some details but I feel like this one is better than the original anyway.
I went to midnight movie even though I was not quite up to it because loosing all of this information. I took Carrie to see He’s Just Not That Into You. It was awesome. I am going to buy it. I was going between that movie and Taken. Rodney wants to see Taken, so I am going to wait. I knew that he would not enjoy this movie as much, this is a chick flick. I lost my phone in my purse, making it twice in one day. Honestly, this day did not go well at the end. I was crying because I lost my file, and then my phone, I thought I was losing my mind. Went to bed upset.
Day Eleven: Back to where we started. After doing all the homework I could muster for that day I went shopping. For clothes? No I wish! I went the thrift store and bought mixing bowls and a coffee table to set my stack of electronics on. My refrigerator now does not sound like lawn mower. (My mom had this genius idea). Then to the Dollar Store, I found stickers that match my shower curtain so now there is an array of Gerber daisies in my bathroom. Then to Wal-Mart where I felt like half of my life went by me since I was in there so long. I bought cooking supplies, cookie sheets, and an array of different items. I swear when I need stuff it ends up turning into a hundred dollar day. I bought all of this because I am going to be learning to bake. I am using the baseball team as my subjects. I love our baseball boys and I am in love with Number 29 or RodneyBear as I like to call him. I also want this to be the best senior year for Rodney. I know how much baseball means to him. So I just want to give him the best, as best as I can. Will baking change anything, maybe not but hey I will learn, people will enjoy, and who knows what will come of it.
I weighed in exactly the same as last week which did not bother me because after the weekend splurge from the previous weekend I am grateful. I went to Bogey’s for my treat; a chocolate chip cookie dough and banana with Oreo; a taste of heaven because it gets me every time. I usually demolish it within ten minutes but I ate a little, unloaded the car, and then savored it. Took me thirty minutes, oh it was delightfully delicious. I cleaned and cleaned the rest of the night. Talked with Rodney, he comes home tomorrow night. He was on Brian’s phone since Rodney forgot his charger. I tell him to make a list, but no. Its okay at least he got all the important stuff. I talked with Brian a little. He and I have a complex relationship and he is completely unaware. He is excited for me to start cooking. I think if we all pitch in then everything will work out smoothly. That is probably not going to happen since he has not paid a single utilities bill. I really do like Brian, he is sweet and funny. He is a lot of things. He is also lazy and depends on others to do things for him. It might be because we are opposites in this. I always believed, well I was taught; never let anyone do something for you that you can do by yourself. Why? Because they will mess it up. So when I was a freshman in high school and there was a 53-foot semi-trailer to unload into our new house, who did it; my dad and I. In student government, I put on an entire Pep assembly by myself, and it was keenly brilliant. The way I incorporated every event to flow together to encompass the Homecoming Theme. None of the students know the brilliance of the intertwining events…but I do. I struggle with this as well. I had Rodney come over to help me position my room since I brought an elliptical back to school with me. And like every other time I have asked him, he sits there. Not because he does not want to help but because I nonverbally communicate that I do not want his help. I do this by moving everything myself and never once asking him for help. I have a hard time asking for help; it makes me feel like I am inadequate. He just keeps me company which is why I think I invite him over anyway. Back to Brian, I pondered what is it that bugs me so much about him. I figured out that it is because I have a little sister who does the same thing he does. She has everything, she is smart, a future Division I volleyball player. I am so proud of her. She lives on the philosophy, “Why do anything if you can get someone else to do it for you.” I am going to be patient with Brian. It is very plausible that if Rodney and I continue our relationship, Brian will be our roommate in the future which is not something I look forward too unless Brian makes a big change into becoming a “big boy” or adult.
I was trying to sleep but my Relationship Map for class keeps running through my mind. If it comes out the way it is in my head, it is going to be stunner!
Mood: Accomplished.
Thus far in the week my symptoms are mainly just the red in my face, my face is the same color as my lips. Some acne but only three of four pimples have shown up since I started the treatment. My face is generally clear just the scars. I itch, mainly around the base of my face, upper neck and head. I have a wind burn on my right leg. I have to put lotion on twice a day to avoid from itching everywhere. Accidently scratched my nose and I have a scar there now. My body feels constantly sore somewhere. My mouth is not noticeably dry. My nose is starting to dry out. My eyes are dry almost all of the time, with mild bearable irritation. I use my Aquaphor constantly. My lips are very dry but are still normal looking and soft as a result of the Aquaphor.
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