So it is Done

So I just ended my second year of college...boxes fill my room and one by one people leave, some for a semester and some to never return. It still has not even hit me yet. I am half way done. In less than a week I will be leaving for Africa...to have my whole world changed. The friends i have met while here, will remain in my thoughts during the summer. Especially the new friends I have acquired. I now know what it is like to be super girly, I learned that from Hannah; whether it is singing out loud with an air microphone or dancing like a little girl when we both get excited. Learning that you do not need a man to have fun...and for the first time, I am okay being by myself. I do not need someone to complete me right now. I just want to focus on doing me.

I never thought I would find a friendship that is so deep in such a short period of time. Q and I can laugh and talk about anything. He hangs out with Hannah and I a lot and says that this is the most fun he has ever had a Bethany...he probably thinks I am crazy, but in a good way. From my dinner shake, to my competitive nature, to how I make him laugh, to swimming in the school fountain at midnight last night just because I could.

To be continued...after packing and more reflection

Gabe

So I met an amazing boy once again. This time I was utterly fascinated with him. He has traveled Europe, he is a painter, and his heart is on fire for life. He is a professional wrestler and he is blown away by me or so he says. I have never met anyone that has that much passion for life. I feel like him and I relate alot. We are both go-getters and strive to leave our dream. I met him back in October at a party and will admit that I thought about him since then. Then one rainy day we met again in the library. I was stunned and Hannah said that both of our faces just lit up. He admitted that he had gone to the Black Football House a couple times to see if I was there, but I was not. He wrote his number down and gave it me and walked away. I dare say that I am genuinely impressed. Throughout the course of the week we hang out and talk. We go to dinner one night, to a play the next, and then he takes me on a private showing of his senior art gallery. We swing in the park one evening until half past eleven, then on Sunday go to church. I find my feeling like I could listen to him talk all day. He got a job in North Carolina as a painter and he leaves after graduation. I went to his art exhibition to listen to him talk about it. I was blown away, to get to see the emotions and feelings that went into his work. During my private showing, I came across a painting that literally made me freeze. I fell in love with this painting. My parents and friends know this all to well about me; once I see something I want, I have to have it. This painting is 5'x5' and is gorgeous. People will see it and think that someone just threw paint on a canvas, but "all great art work looks as if it was created in an instant."

After that show, him and I knew that there was nothing we can do about anything. We will remain friends. I can say that I, in a way, look up to him because I feel as if him and I are so similar when it comes to goals, hopes, and dreams. He is an inspiration to me because it makes me feel as if I am not alone in my goal racing quest. This is the reason why I bought the painting, to remind me that there are people who race for there dreams and know no limitations.

Self Assessment

I believe that one of my biggest strengths, as a writer, is my willingness to be completely open when I write about a topic. I have no problem expressing through words what I think, feel, or even talk about things that I have done. I believe that this gives me an edge because it lets my reader know that I am honest in what I say. I believe this is also a strength because some people may feel alone if they have gone through a certain experience. I love to write about the rough and good times of my life so that I can indirectly show someone that there is a light always at the end of every dark tunnel. To be able to say, “I have been there and it is going to be okay.” Personally, I would much rather suffer through something so that someone else did not.
My strengths as a thinker, I feel, are my open mindedness and ability to take criticism. I generally am up for anything. I seem to be attracted to helping others despite their situation, and very soon, despite their position on the globe. I am free-spirited and believe that if you dig deep enough there is good inside every person. When it comes to criticism, Jordan became my number one pick when we needed someone to edit an essay. This is not only because he caught my sentence structure mistakes, but he is also honest. For example, in essay number four, I had written a sentence along the lines of, “Did you see the white people in the photograph, definitely not the Virgin Mary.” He wrote in the margins, “Anna, I thought you were trying to show people not to be judgmental.” I quickly made the change and realized that sometimes I need someone to tell it like it is.
I feel as if I still need to improve on grammar and sentence transition. Sometimes I can get so wrapped up into writing something that I completely forget everything else and I just let my hands slide across the key board. When this happens, editing is necessary. I also have a habit of over using commas and as I grow as a writer I hope to eliminate this minuscule mistakes.
I feel as if I need to improve on mindsets that I get. Let me explain, I can be so open to experiences and people, but sometimes I feel as if I can be judgmental as well. When I am caught up in a heated discussion or something that has significance to me, I forget what I am saying and I jut let it flow. This is where I get myself in the most trouble. I do not believe in the word “sorry,” so people know that once it leaves my mouth it should be what I meant to say. I feel as if sometimes my ability to let words and thoughts flow can get me into trouble when arguing. It is my competitive mindset that gets me into trouble with the people closest to me. I know that this trip to Africa will be a revelation and will change the way I see and think about the world.
My favorite essay that I have written in this class was the second one. The one that discussed whether or not grades should be implemented in schools. I was so worked up because I feel like I would not work as hard if the goal were to only pass. I look back on it and it seems to show a personal flaw with in myself. I strive so hard sometimes to want to be the best that I forget about the actual learning. I feel like as I have gone through college I have become better at this. Isaacson said to me my freshman year that grades are not everything. It took me until the end of my sophomore year to realize that. The opportunities to have social interactions are usually set aside because of homework and studying; knowing that if I was not at practice or in class, I was doing my homework. I would stop doing my homework when I went to be that night around midnight. This is how it was day in and day out since I started college. I still want to achieve my goal of having ending every semester with a 4.0, but I also want to live a little. I think about it, and I have no idea why I want to 4.0, I just do. When I vocalize my goals it means that it must happen. I believe this is why people depend on me, when I say that this is going to happen, then I will do whatever is necessary to make it happen. The past few weeks, I have let myself go more because I wanted to experience college not just be an observer.

An Even Better Weekend, In a Very Different Way

Well, I found out that I can fit ten people in my car. We went to the club for Serah’s bachelorette party. I also realized that I have never had so much fun hanging out with girls. I love my teammates. We are loud, crazy, and out to have a good time. Now I understand why girls go in groups to everything. I have also realized that they are always here for you. I cannot wait to strengthen the bond with all of them.

On Saturday, we as a team to go play Laser Tag. Freaking FUN! Tonight I am having a movie night with Hannah and Ansley.

I understand that not everyone has to be your friend. I thought so, but then I realized that not everyone can be your friend. There needs to be boundaries. I mean when I go to Africa, I am going to help them, but the people are also there to help me. In terms of me, I am there to enrich not only my faith but also my life and hopefully the lives of others. I can be friends with them, but there are people in my life that I am okay with not being friends with. I did not realize until after class, that it is okay to not be friends with everyone. You see, everyone has different views and if you are friends with everyone then you compromise who you are to accommodate everyone else…Not me! I am me and can be and will not be anything else.

And another thing…F…boys! They are stupid and immature! Half of them do not even care about what is in your head, they just want what is in your pants. I have enough going on in my life to not have to worry about it. Earlier today I was feeling inadequate, to be honest. I felt ugly and fat...high school all over again. I can do everything else right…except relationships with boys. But, I have the rest of my life to worry about a man…I have stuff that I want to do. I want to travel outside of the country, frequently and I will not drag anyone with me. I want to LIVE and DREAM, God has a plan and Mr. Right is somewhere…

I was too proud to even talk about this with my anyone. Hannah knows, but that is because I love her and she is my bestie! When it comes to my parents, family, or anyone back home I feel like everything always have to be perfect. I can never be embarrassed, fail, or be sad. It is like there is an invisible standard for perfection. Also I feel like I would be criticized if I was. This has lead to me thinking that I can never have a moment of weakness, like I have to keep it together all of the time. Like you are probably wondering where the previous paragraph came from, and I will not say. It is hard to feel like I can never express if I am sad, or scared. Like the about my Africa trip, or if I will meet my goals of a 4.0. Everyone just assumes that they are going to happen. Then again I like the pressure, and would not know what to do if it was not there. My mom would say that I put all this pressure on myself, and in a sense I do…I like it when people are proud of me, also when people count on you.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

Monday is a blur until I went to go get gum at eleven o clock that night. When I got back, I met Brandon outside and we talked about my Logic homework, which he wants to see when we have a movie night, hopefully Wednesday night. He thought I misspelled gym when I said gum. I told him that I do not spell words that I do not know how to spell. He told me, o thought there for a second you were not perfect. According to him, he is the best thing that ever happened to me. If he would come out of his shell that could possibly be true. I do not even want to think about it because then I will over analyze and I do not want to scare him away. We walk to Warner and he says, “ I am not going to kiss you,” as he kisses me on the cheek. I said why, he turns around and smiles and says that he is playing mind games. O my goodness.

The Best Weekend EVER!!

This weekend was one of the biggest revelations on the face of EVER. So we are done playing and after dinner have a two-hour meeting with coach…It was intense. It was a good talk but she is seven kinds of flustered with our team. She is trying to be our mom and if I need a mom, I will call her. Like she is started to cause drama..AHHH! Then Hannah and I found Serah and Courtney. We talked for a couple of hours…Kayce eventually came and joined. We got a lot out on the table, which was nice.

Then Hannah and I went to get our stuff so we could get ready for the 80’s party for Boy Courtney’s birthday party. Kristi was excited, so I wanted to go…The pictures are on facebook…we look so cute. We get there and everyone is kinda dancing in a circle. Q came out of his shell; I had no idea how funny he was because he is so quiet when I see him in class or on campus. Carlos kept trying to dance with me, but he is creeper status..yuck…So around midnight, Brandon and Clayton walk in. Brandon one of the hottest boys at our school; 6’4”, brown eyes, dark hair, absolutely gorgeous!! So I walk because they were not dancing and I was just flipping them stuff. I went to go dance some more…then Courtney says everyone has to dance. They just stand there. I walk over again and Brandon and I started dancing. OMG!! We were talking throughout it to…I asked him if he knew my name, and he said, yes, Anna Alexis. I told him his too. Then he is determined to call me Adrianna. O boy, so I am in his phone under that. So then he leans into kiss me!!!! O wow! We just keep laughing, dancing, and talking. The last song that they played of the night was “Kiss Me” by Jewel. He looks at me and says, “I should have waited to kiss you until this song, but I couldn’t.” I laugh. He said that he has liked me all semester but he is SO SO SO SHY, so he just kept quiet. I asked him how I was supposed to know. We get back to my room, but I have to walk Kristi’s keys back to her…So he walks in the rain with me and grabs my hand. We walk back until we get under the opening to the college. We laugh and talk some more. I told him thank you for coming and he said,”I did not want to over invite myself.” YEAH RIGHT! He did not want to intrude if I needed my own space. He is turning twenty-two on Tuesday, I said I was nineteen and he said that he could deal with that. He said he has not liked anyone this much since high school…I told him he was silly. He does not want to sound cheesy but all I said is as long as it is honest. We went back to my room and stayed up until five in the morning talking. I had so much fun…He tried to teach me how to whistle but that did not work so well. He asked if I would talk to him again. I said, yes. He says that I have to say hi because he is so shy. This kid is unbelievably shy, but very honest and very cute. He leaves and all I can do is think, “Why is he talking to me? I never get guys like him.” For once I am grateful for this medication. It gives me confidence and I feel better about myself. I almost want to never get off this medication, I enjoy being able to put my face on my pillow, and sweat without worrying about breaking out (as we know I sweat a lot because of working out.) Anyways, he said something like we should go to a party, like together.

I love college. I have a feeling that I am going to like him very much. Part of me still thinks that he is way out of my league. He is so shy that I do not know how to read him. I do not know if it is like a get-a-away from me vibe or what. He says that I think too much, probably true…where have I heard that before, Isaacson.

Waking up the next morning was no fun…yeah running stair was definitely not happening at all. I lounged around the whole day and waited until Saturday night to begin. There was another eighties party at the softball house. This one was not as cool, but Hannah and I had rocking outfits, with animal print, leggings and all! Brandon was there. But, he was socializing Jen so I let it be and I went and mingled. Around eleven thirty he walks up me and wonders where I have been. Of course, I am the one who has to come up and talk to him…but what if I am shy too…I know this sounds nothing like me, but he makes me shy. Like all I can do is barely say hi under my breath and smile…pitiful. But it makes me …AHHH! That night, I also bounced around from Trehy’s to Stuga the rest of the night. He ended up coming over around two and left around hmmm 6:30. I text him after he left and said that I would be talking to him after this because he thinks that I will not be, I told him that I like him and he said that he was pretty sure the feeling is mutual. I hope so!!! For once, I think I someone likes me that is actually amazing for me…I tell you one thing, it gets me out of wearing sweat pants every morning.

Sunday I was so tired. I just did homework and went to work. I went to bed a little earlier than usual.

Getting Back to LBK

This is all somewhat of a blur. School, volleyball and work. Story of my life, right. Rodney wanted to get back together, saying that he had made a mistake. I almost said okay. But, I told myself that I was not settling anymore in my life. I always seem to choose a boyfriend that needs to be saved or needs my help. That is not what I relationship is about.

Oh, I learned an interesting fact…People who do four of these five things are most likely to bring a disease breakout if they go to assist a foreign country; shower every day, wear lotion, drink unfiltered water, used three antibiotics in the last two years, eat six microwaved meals a week, and …. Well I answered yes to all but the microwaved meals one. I could potentially put other people at risk because I have a depleted immune system. So, I have changed to only showering when I need to and I only put on lotion once a day instead of two to three. It scared me…Also if I do not get sick within the first couple of days in Africa then I am spreading a disease or I am going to bring a disease back with…and could possibly infect thousands. Comforting thought, right?