Since Easter is one of my top favorite holidays of all time, I wanted to be home for it. I did not get to go home last year because I did not have a car. Rodney is obviously not coming with me. So I convinced Hannah and Ansley to go back since they are from Colorado too. We left Thursday night at 8 pm and drove all through the night. I was glad we left at night, so then I could have another whole day in Colorado instead of half. Ansley drove home that night, but Hannah stayed the night with me.
I had to wake up and take my mom to work in the morning so that I could use her car during the day. I told her about the Africa deal, and she thinks that it is a sign that I should not go. I think otherwise. There are too many things pointing me in this direction. Also, the reason people fundraise and support me is because when I say something is going to happen, that means that no matter what it is going to happen. She does not understand this. I have to go to Africa, to much is riding on this, and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. This conversation did not start us off on the right foot, but lately when I come home it seems to be like this with her and I.
Hannah and I went swimming at the rec. Spanky and Robert were working. It always makes my day to see Robert, even though he is the most sarcastic ass I have ever met. This is probably why I like him. After we went swimming, we went back to my house to work on homework. Emily gets home from school and almost instantly, we start bickering back and forth with Hannah right there. Emily thinks that since I am home I should take her out to eat. I said, “Absolutely not!” She gets all mad. She has to be the biggest wastes of life I have ever met. My dad agrees with me. She is so selfish; all she knows how to do is take. My mom is so whooped over it, it makes me so mad. Whatever. Then Emily was talking about how mom was so excited for her to go to prom, and how my mom was never excited for me. Emily is right, my mom was never excited for me to go to prom, but honestly, I do not even care. I do in a sense. My senior year, I went to prom with Shawn. So what if my parents did not care, I was able to go with the only person, at the time, I wanted to be in a relationship with. I do not care that my parents were not excited; it was not and still is not their life to live. I sometimes wonder if my mom does “act” happy to see me. I know boys in my family do not.
Friday night, Sarah and I were supposed to go to the club. She was not feeling well so I just met up with her Sunday. Shawn and I met up at Wal-Mart. He had to get some things for his car and I needed to get some stuff too. We walked around and talked. We got to the Easter aisle…I wanted him to walk down it with me so I could find the third bunny to our already existing pair. He said no. I tried to convince him…I went down the aisle by myself. I am thankful he did not go with me. I almost cried. Shawn always made sure that Easter was amazing for me; it was almost as big as our anniversary. We got to the check out and he insisted that he buy my stuff, all ten dollars of it. We walked to the parking lot. He had to go to the King Soopers area to get a haircut. So I said that I would meet him there. I ran into Emily for a second, but she was with her friends, so I, of course, did not matter. Shawn and I talked in his car. It is hard for me mentally and emotionally to see him. I miss him so much, and when he is right in front of me, I feel like my heart skips a beat. Then part of me is sad because I feel like I threw away something. He is convinced he is the blame for everything, that he drove me away. I just wanted to be free and live a little. I was not then and am not ready to settle down yet. One thing I have learned is that there is nothing wrong with it.
We go into Starbucks and Eddie was there. We were in there for probably an hour just laughing and having a good time. Eddie is frightened to say the least about his “soon to be daddy” status. He feels like he was too young, he is only 21-22. He also said that his wife is so moody. That if he did not love her, then he would leave her. I looked at Shawn, laughing, and said, “Good thing our plan of getting married and having babies did not work out. Look at how stressed Eddie is.” Shawn just looked at me. I know that Shawn wanted to spend every minute of his life with me. I wanted that too. Now I do not know what I want. I do not even want to think about commitment, it is just when I am with him that I do. Some days I just want him to move to Kansas and then other days, I am like, “NO.” Later, we go and grab dinner. Then we park in our old high school parking lot, since he is not allowed at my house. In high school, I always said that I was going to dance with him in a parking lot. So when we were done eating, I made him go outside my door. We danced to Far Away by Nickelback. That was going to be our first dance song at the wedding. People said we were too young, yeah we were, but I know what and how I feel, and those feelings are true.
As we are driving back to my car, my mom sends me a text that says, “Did you come home to see your family or to see him?” I was so mad. I wanted to tell her that if I came home to see him then no one would know that I was home at all. Automatically, me seeing Shawn means that him and I are getting back together. I am getting my stuff done, I am a college athlete with an almost 4.0 working three jobs, going to Africa to spread the Word of God, and going to Hawaii to enrich the lives of teens…what more do my parents want, and this all is still not good enough because I talk to Shawn. Who cares my parent’s house sadly revolves around Emily, which is taking away from Zach and Jacob in the worst way. Jacob would not have to be on medication if my parents actually had time to interact with him. Now that I do not live in their house it is easier for me to blow it off. I walk downstairs and my dad thinks that Shawn and I are getting back together as well. How stupid!
Monday, April 13, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
The Worst Best Things
Over A Book
Do you ever have those moments where nothing seems to be going right. Well I had about two days of that. I got back to LBK and told myself that I could not be with Rodney because my faith was so important to me. The next week was awkward and we were trying to work stuff out, but nothing really went anywhere. I ended up making dinner at his house on Saturday. Some how, we reconnected and starting laughing and acting as if nothing was wrong. He even said that he would let me read the book to him because he did not want to read it himself. I was so excited. All my thoughts of Miss Independent were gone. I thought maybe I was just being too stubborn and prideful, so we got back together full swing. I thought everything was fine, he was going to come home with me for Easter and be apart of my family. Well Tuesday night Rodney comes over and wants to talk. Basically, he is breaking up with me because I do not know where he is going to fit into my graduate school plans. He feels like I am leaving him behind, where have I heard this before. Then here is the main reason. He said that he got with me and said, “I hoped you would climb down the Jesus ladder.” Rodney thinks that my faith in Jesus is absurd. I will admit that I was hoping he would be curious about my faith and at least touch the Jesus ladder. He said that he does not have time for Jesus and it is not that important to him. In all honesty, after reading 23 Minutes in Hell, my faith was changed and all non believers I want to tell. So at this point, I am crying because I know where those who deny Jesus go, not because I am heartbroken. “I am the way, the truth, and the light. No one comes to the Father except through ME.” That is the only Bible verse that comes to mind. I know that relationships are supposed to be compromiseable. It just happened to be the biggest things of me…my faith and my dreams that need to be compromised. I have always said, no one will get in my way…they will only get out of my way. I know it is for the best. My mom and I had a talk over break about how nice it is to be taken out to dinner or a movie. To feel girlie…Hannah is my new suite mate so it is easier to cope. I feel like her and I are going to become great friends. I kinda like having my girlfriends and no boy. I think I am just more hurt that I am not wanted for my desires or beliefs…that is never a good feeling. Then he says…” Will you still say hi to my mom?” I said that she was going to be mad at him. He goes, “well I thought this was mutual.” Ah… no.
As terrible as it sounds, Rodney came by when I was studying for a Logic test, which made me upset because no boy is worth a bad test grade.
Before all of that, on Monday I find out that I cannot go to Africa. Lauren could not raise the proper funds so the trip is tanked. In all of this, who do I call? My dad, he tells me to find another way to make it happen. So now I am relentlessly searching.
Do you ever have those moments where nothing seems to be going right. Well I had about two days of that. I got back to LBK and told myself that I could not be with Rodney because my faith was so important to me. The next week was awkward and we were trying to work stuff out, but nothing really went anywhere. I ended up making dinner at his house on Saturday. Some how, we reconnected and starting laughing and acting as if nothing was wrong. He even said that he would let me read the book to him because he did not want to read it himself. I was so excited. All my thoughts of Miss Independent were gone. I thought maybe I was just being too stubborn and prideful, so we got back together full swing. I thought everything was fine, he was going to come home with me for Easter and be apart of my family. Well Tuesday night Rodney comes over and wants to talk. Basically, he is breaking up with me because I do not know where he is going to fit into my graduate school plans. He feels like I am leaving him behind, where have I heard this before. Then here is the main reason. He said that he got with me and said, “I hoped you would climb down the Jesus ladder.” Rodney thinks that my faith in Jesus is absurd. I will admit that I was hoping he would be curious about my faith and at least touch the Jesus ladder. He said that he does not have time for Jesus and it is not that important to him. In all honesty, after reading 23 Minutes in Hell, my faith was changed and all non believers I want to tell. So at this point, I am crying because I know where those who deny Jesus go, not because I am heartbroken. “I am the way, the truth, and the light. No one comes to the Father except through ME.” That is the only Bible verse that comes to mind. I know that relationships are supposed to be compromiseable. It just happened to be the biggest things of me…my faith and my dreams that need to be compromised. I have always said, no one will get in my way…they will only get out of my way. I know it is for the best. My mom and I had a talk over break about how nice it is to be taken out to dinner or a movie. To feel girlie…Hannah is my new suite mate so it is easier to cope. I feel like her and I are going to become great friends. I kinda like having my girlfriends and no boy. I think I am just more hurt that I am not wanted for my desires or beliefs…that is never a good feeling. Then he says…” Will you still say hi to my mom?” I said that she was going to be mad at him. He goes, “well I thought this was mutual.” Ah… no.
As terrible as it sounds, Rodney came by when I was studying for a Logic test, which made me upset because no boy is worth a bad test grade.
Before all of that, on Monday I find out that I cannot go to Africa. Lauren could not raise the proper funds so the trip is tanked. In all of this, who do I call? My dad, he tells me to find another way to make it happen. So now I am relentlessly searching.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Back to School
I sent out all of my letters. So all I can do now is pray. My week has seemed so busy and I have not even really thought about Rodney. I am enjoying hanging out with my teammates. I also feel like I have a lot more time. I went and peppered at 10:30 at night with Hannah just so she could vent. I never had time like this before because I was so concerned about Rodney and making sure I had time for him.
Fidel and I have been talking a lot. He wants me to come in and talk with his 300 level law class. I am meeting with him on Monday to get the details. We started emailing frequently when he heard that I was going to Africa. He is a little scared for me, but then again so is most everyone I talk to. It is in God’s hands, and you do not learn if you never live outside your own world.
Thursday I met with the Academic Dean and then the EBE instructor. Next week I meet with financial aid. I am trying to take nine credit hours during the summer and not have to pay for it. After talking with the Dean and EBE person, I have taken the cost of almost 3,000 dollars for summer classes down to 990. That was a rest off my shoulders. The EBE that I am doing in Hawaii will count for a total of six credits; three for psychology and three for communications. The Africa trip is going to count for my religion course, which is actually four hours. I am going to do it as a DIS; direct independent study. Here is the catch with that one; I am enrolling in the fall for it so it is covered by my scholarship. Brilliant I thought. Now I just have to rewrite the syllabus and turn it into the religion professor.
I was talking to my dad and the more I do, the more I am convinced that I want to go to graduate school. Now that I know that I can skip my Master’s makes it more manageable. So here is my goal, if I graduate with a 4.0 or get A’s until I graduate plus have a good GRE score, I am inclined to scholarships and grants and could possibly go anywhere I wanted for my degree. I am sitting nicely in all of my classes except interpersonal communication. It is always like this with Isaacson. I am not worried but I am not confident. He has not graded everything, the only thing he has are the quizzes, which I average a C and one paper, which I got a B on. I am hoping once he has graded everything my grade will boost back up to an A. I do understand that grades are not everything but now that I am looking into graduate school, they are. I do learn in my classes. I love my Logic class, it is the hardest A I have ever had to earn. However, I am learning the material and it is so interesting to me. When the information finally clicks in my brain, what an amazing feeling. I really do love Bethany College, the classes, the teachers, the people. The classes challenge me but still let me have a life, well kind of. My teachers are supporting me financially and through prayer with this trip from Africa. That still means so much to me. It means that they believe not only in what I am doing, but they believe in me. My friends are always here for me. It took me being single to realize how much I really do like hanging out with them. I used to always want to be out of the gym by six so I could see Rodney. Now I just go and do whatever, without having to really worry about anyone else but me. It is nice for a change. I cannot remember a time when I was not in a relationship. It is Anna time, and for once, I am okay with it. I am okay with being by myself.
I am surprised how much this book has grown on me. I feel like it is a new lifestyle. I am more at peace and I trust God more. I am always someone that needs proof for things and this book was proof enough for me. It scares me a little because it said, “What if your thoughts constituted as sin?” It was that very sentence that made me want to rethink my whole being. I realize now that I am so sinful, and thankfully, by the grace of God He sent his son to save us all. I always believed it but now I feel it; which is where it counts. This strains Rodney and me, even talking because all I want to do is make him see how amazing this is! He is so blind and resistant. I accepted him for his agnostic belief but this book opened my eyes and I want to save him. One thing the book says is that we can only tell them ,our job is not to convince them. I am going to read him the book and if he gets nothing out of it then I want to leave because I will feel like I have done everything, but then apart of me feels like I have failed miserably. I feel like I have the biggest greatest news in the world and he thinks it is stupid. I do not want to be with someone like that…But then what if I had gone about it the wrong way, what if I pushed him away from it. I have been called weird because I am so into Jesus, what if I scared him away?
Fidel and I have been talking a lot. He wants me to come in and talk with his 300 level law class. I am meeting with him on Monday to get the details. We started emailing frequently when he heard that I was going to Africa. He is a little scared for me, but then again so is most everyone I talk to. It is in God’s hands, and you do not learn if you never live outside your own world.
Thursday I met with the Academic Dean and then the EBE instructor. Next week I meet with financial aid. I am trying to take nine credit hours during the summer and not have to pay for it. After talking with the Dean and EBE person, I have taken the cost of almost 3,000 dollars for summer classes down to 990. That was a rest off my shoulders. The EBE that I am doing in Hawaii will count for a total of six credits; three for psychology and three for communications. The Africa trip is going to count for my religion course, which is actually four hours. I am going to do it as a DIS; direct independent study. Here is the catch with that one; I am enrolling in the fall for it so it is covered by my scholarship. Brilliant I thought. Now I just have to rewrite the syllabus and turn it into the religion professor.
I was talking to my dad and the more I do, the more I am convinced that I want to go to graduate school. Now that I know that I can skip my Master’s makes it more manageable. So here is my goal, if I graduate with a 4.0 or get A’s until I graduate plus have a good GRE score, I am inclined to scholarships and grants and could possibly go anywhere I wanted for my degree. I am sitting nicely in all of my classes except interpersonal communication. It is always like this with Isaacson. I am not worried but I am not confident. He has not graded everything, the only thing he has are the quizzes, which I average a C and one paper, which I got a B on. I am hoping once he has graded everything my grade will boost back up to an A. I do understand that grades are not everything but now that I am looking into graduate school, they are. I do learn in my classes. I love my Logic class, it is the hardest A I have ever had to earn. However, I am learning the material and it is so interesting to me. When the information finally clicks in my brain, what an amazing feeling. I really do love Bethany College, the classes, the teachers, the people. The classes challenge me but still let me have a life, well kind of. My teachers are supporting me financially and through prayer with this trip from Africa. That still means so much to me. It means that they believe not only in what I am doing, but they believe in me. My friends are always here for me. It took me being single to realize how much I really do like hanging out with them. I used to always want to be out of the gym by six so I could see Rodney. Now I just go and do whatever, without having to really worry about anyone else but me. It is nice for a change. I cannot remember a time when I was not in a relationship. It is Anna time, and for once, I am okay with it. I am okay with being by myself.
I am surprised how much this book has grown on me. I feel like it is a new lifestyle. I am more at peace and I trust God more. I am always someone that needs proof for things and this book was proof enough for me. It scares me a little because it said, “What if your thoughts constituted as sin?” It was that very sentence that made me want to rethink my whole being. I realize now that I am so sinful, and thankfully, by the grace of God He sent his son to save us all. I always believed it but now I feel it; which is where it counts. This strains Rodney and me, even talking because all I want to do is make him see how amazing this is! He is so blind and resistant. I accepted him for his agnostic belief but this book opened my eyes and I want to save him. One thing the book says is that we can only tell them ,our job is not to convince them. I am going to read him the book and if he gets nothing out of it then I want to leave because I will feel like I have done everything, but then apart of me feels like I have failed miserably. I feel like I have the biggest greatest news in the world and he thinks it is stupid. I do not want to be with someone like that…But then what if I had gone about it the wrong way, what if I pushed him away from it. I have been called weird because I am so into Jesus, what if I scared him away?
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Spring Break
The week of Spring Break seemed to fly by. I found myself saying, “O it’s only Tuesday”…then it was Friday. I was supposed to leave on Saturday but then when it was to be Friday, I was not ready to leave. It snowed on Thursday so my plans in essence were held back a day. Friday, my mom and I started talking about who even knows what; probably about Rodney, career goals, and Shawn. Even though Shawn and I are not together I still get flustered over the topic. That was five years of my life. Shawn and I have talked on and off for the past couple of months, but it is nothing consistent because we are both trying to move on. I left my house on the verge of tears because I was over talking about it. Sometimes I feel like it is not even my life that I am living. There are so many expectations on top of the expectations I hold for myself. Now I remember how the conversation started…Hawaii and Africa. I am finding that my summers are very expensive, but I will not trade them. The experience will last me a lifetime and broaden my horizons. Do they cost money? Yes, there is no such thing as free. I sense that I will not be getting any financial assistance from my mom; this is because everything goes to volleyball. What I do not understand is; volleyball will pay for Emily’s school but is she growing as a person? No. She is still the same self centered, spoiled, vocally passive self. I have a chance to change lives, I have a chance to live my dreams instead of just think them up. O well, I will get there one way or another. The support I feel from my teachers is overwhelmingly positive. O and then my mom had the audacity to tell me that I should not take my dad for his birthday surprise. I said, no way! I have two and a half years where I do not have bills and payments. I would rather work for something that will last me a lifetime. Honestly, I am still taking him. I cannot wait until next year; no one knows what next year will bring. I want to do this experience and I cannot imagine doing it with anyone else. My dad is my best friend and means everything to me…now all I have to do is pray he is not scared of heights! I am a little but this is safe and I hear it is absolutely an amazing experience. Therefore, we are going, my mind is set which means he is the only one who could convince me otherwise but even that would not change my mind.
O so, where I went when I left…I went to Wal-Mart. Shawn was there. We talked. Even though we are not together venting to him eases my frustrations. I mean he was there when my big life changes were happening so he knows the pressure I have to succeed. He also knows that my mom and I seem to bump heads most of the time. He actually stepped out of my life so I did not have to choose between marrying him and keeping the relationship with my parents. My parents think he is full of crap and a waste of life. Who are they to judge? I can genuinely say I love Shawn and no one can change that. Anyways we talked, I got to get everything out about school, home, Rodney, my life, my confusions. Then he pummeled me in the snow; which was so cold but it made me smile. I can never catch him when he runs though, damn Mexican lightning. We warmed up in his car and talked about the what if’s and could have been’s of our relationship. That is all they will ever be and we both know that. Shawn will always have a special place in my heart despite other’s opinion of him. When I was at King Soopers I ran into Eddie, a very good friend of Shawn’s. He thought our break up was catastrophic, but o well Eddie’s wife is expecting! Wow. I always have to take a step back to think that that could have been me. I do not look back with regret; I simply just acknowledge it. I know God is leading me.
Then I went and met Sarah at Starbucks where we talked and gossiped. Finally I told her, lets go to the club. Let us go do something instead of just mope around. So, we went and got ready in twenty minutes and left. We went to a club called The Church and ran in to Devon and Jared, the first people we met at the club during winter break. It was nice to see them again but I was out to have a good time so Sarah and I started dancing. This guy comes up behind me and asks what my name is and my favorite song. (My favorite song is not a club song so I threw out the only one I could think of, “Heartless”) He walks up to the DJ and the next song they play is that song. The guy comes back and asks to dance…Of course! He asked if I was thirsty, I said kinda, he left again. He comes back with bottled water from the bar, with the seal still on it. Wow, I am impressed. We go off and talk, he is from France, works in Intelligence for the Army, and speaks six languages; French, English, Portuguese, Arabic, German, Italian. Wow. Now here is someone who makes me feel like I do not do anything.
The next morning I spend with my family, just the way I wanted. Jacob and I made chocolate chip and walnut pancakes, delisciousness! I packed, and just hung around my dad. Him and I ended the evening watching West Side Story, one of his favorites. I had never seen it and vowed I would not watch it until I was with him. Before that, my dad and I went to King Soopers to get fruit and ended up getting ice cream too. We jammed out to songs in the car. I am consciously aware that someday I will not get to do this, someday he or I will not be here, so I want to soak it in. I think that this is something that my mom does not understand, I am not home, and each year my time gets shorter and shorter. I do not want to waste time because once the hourglass is empty; you cannot turn it back over. I wonder how people would live their life if they were conscious of that concept.
The drive back was not so bad. I actually got to sleep. So I got to start the book, 23 Minutes in Hell. I recommend it highly! One of the most influential books I have ever read. It was the major turning point in thinking that Rodney and I should not be together. I want to find someone whose heart is on fire for God and racing toward it. When Rodney and were together I felt sometimes he was a half a step behind me, now I do not even know where he is, I just know it is not next to me and definitely not in front of me.
O so, where I went when I left…I went to Wal-Mart. Shawn was there. We talked. Even though we are not together venting to him eases my frustrations. I mean he was there when my big life changes were happening so he knows the pressure I have to succeed. He also knows that my mom and I seem to bump heads most of the time. He actually stepped out of my life so I did not have to choose between marrying him and keeping the relationship with my parents. My parents think he is full of crap and a waste of life. Who are they to judge? I can genuinely say I love Shawn and no one can change that. Anyways we talked, I got to get everything out about school, home, Rodney, my life, my confusions. Then he pummeled me in the snow; which was so cold but it made me smile. I can never catch him when he runs though, damn Mexican lightning. We warmed up in his car and talked about the what if’s and could have been’s of our relationship. That is all they will ever be and we both know that. Shawn will always have a special place in my heart despite other’s opinion of him. When I was at King Soopers I ran into Eddie, a very good friend of Shawn’s. He thought our break up was catastrophic, but o well Eddie’s wife is expecting! Wow. I always have to take a step back to think that that could have been me. I do not look back with regret; I simply just acknowledge it. I know God is leading me.
Then I went and met Sarah at Starbucks where we talked and gossiped. Finally I told her, lets go to the club. Let us go do something instead of just mope around. So, we went and got ready in twenty minutes and left. We went to a club called The Church and ran in to Devon and Jared, the first people we met at the club during winter break. It was nice to see them again but I was out to have a good time so Sarah and I started dancing. This guy comes up behind me and asks what my name is and my favorite song. (My favorite song is not a club song so I threw out the only one I could think of, “Heartless”) He walks up to the DJ and the next song they play is that song. The guy comes back and asks to dance…Of course! He asked if I was thirsty, I said kinda, he left again. He comes back with bottled water from the bar, with the seal still on it. Wow, I am impressed. We go off and talk, he is from France, works in Intelligence for the Army, and speaks six languages; French, English, Portuguese, Arabic, German, Italian. Wow. Now here is someone who makes me feel like I do not do anything.
The next morning I spend with my family, just the way I wanted. Jacob and I made chocolate chip and walnut pancakes, delisciousness! I packed, and just hung around my dad. Him and I ended the evening watching West Side Story, one of his favorites. I had never seen it and vowed I would not watch it until I was with him. Before that, my dad and I went to King Soopers to get fruit and ended up getting ice cream too. We jammed out to songs in the car. I am consciously aware that someday I will not get to do this, someday he or I will not be here, so I want to soak it in. I think that this is something that my mom does not understand, I am not home, and each year my time gets shorter and shorter. I do not want to waste time because once the hourglass is empty; you cannot turn it back over. I wonder how people would live their life if they were conscious of that concept.
The drive back was not so bad. I actually got to sleep. So I got to start the book, 23 Minutes in Hell. I recommend it highly! One of the most influential books I have ever read. It was the major turning point in thinking that Rodney and I should not be together. I want to find someone whose heart is on fire for God and racing toward it. When Rodney and were together I felt sometimes he was a half a step behind me, now I do not even know where he is, I just know it is not next to me and definitely not in front of me.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
March 23
I went to work out today. I always stop by the guard office to see everyone. Robert and I had our little bickering like always. He gave me some helpful workout tips. So the visit was not totally pointless. I miss working there, but then again I do not. Adam and Robert have to work there to pay bills. That could have been me, but I chose a different path. There is nothing wrong with that, it all matters what you want.
So I found out today that I have until the 15th of April to raise 2,700 dollars. (I am aware that there is a $ symbol, but it does not make sense because no one says dollar five which is implied by $5.) All I can do is get my proposal letter out and pray. I do not believe that God has put this opportunity before me to have me not go.
One thing that I am proud of is that I stayed home in January to save up for Hawaii. That is 800 dollars that I already have saved up. I know that if I had not done that then I would have had to choose Hawaii or Africa. I think that I will be there from the 11th of July to the 30th. It will be a nice break for me. Camp runs the 16th-25th. My fellow counselors told me last year I should of stayed longer so I could celebrate my birthday on the beach…Well I am going to this year.
I saw Joe today. I am always hesitant about seeing him, but then we get into conversations about religion and the purpose of Stonehenge. It makes me so happy to have an intellectual conversation. I realize that I miss that too. I always miss the people I feel like I leave behind. I do this a lot though. I get so focused about my opportunities and I go for them. I become so narrow minded; I do not allow anything to get in my way. Some people call this selfish but in my opinion, I justify it by saying that I am going to embrace every experience God puts before me.
So I found out today that I have until the 15th of April to raise 2,700 dollars. (I am aware that there is a $ symbol, but it does not make sense because no one says dollar five which is implied by $5.) All I can do is get my proposal letter out and pray. I do not believe that God has put this opportunity before me to have me not go.
One thing that I am proud of is that I stayed home in January to save up for Hawaii. That is 800 dollars that I already have saved up. I know that if I had not done that then I would have had to choose Hawaii or Africa. I think that I will be there from the 11th of July to the 30th. It will be a nice break for me. Camp runs the 16th-25th. My fellow counselors told me last year I should of stayed longer so I could celebrate my birthday on the beach…Well I am going to this year.
I saw Joe today. I am always hesitant about seeing him, but then we get into conversations about religion and the purpose of Stonehenge. It makes me so happy to have an intellectual conversation. I realize that I miss that too. I always miss the people I feel like I leave behind. I do this a lot though. I get so focused about my opportunities and I go for them. I become so narrow minded; I do not allow anything to get in my way. Some people call this selfish but in my opinion, I justify it by saying that I am going to embrace every experience God puts before me.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
I do not even remember what happened Saturday
Sunday March 22, 2009
I got exactly what I needed this morning. I was so high strung in a bad way and going to my church and being in that environment always makes everything become okay, even when it is not. It is an hour and a half of my life where I do not have to focus on anything except praising the Lord and talking to him. I am able to release everything and focus. I have not found anything else that gives me that feeling. I think that eventually I will end up in Colorado and a huge reason besides the people in my life is the “high” that I get off of worshipping God, especially in this setting. I mean I can still feel alive in my faith away from Northern Hills since I am out of the state most of the year. There is a song called, “Better than Drugs” by Skillet. The lyrics are so true though… I do not need to get high or wasted to feel good; I am high off life and thanking the Lord for all He has done for me.
I need to get the fundraising letters out; I just do not know all of what to say. I am optimistic. When I had teachers come up to me and tell me that they want to help my heart was overjoyed to say the least. Just to know that I have the support of my teachers behind me shows me even more that Bethany College was the place for me. This experience will truly be one of a kind and they believe in me enough to help make it happen.
So much has happened. My mom thinks that I share too much in my journals. She feels as if it is too personal. I just told her that I have nothing to hide because I do not. The career that I want to go into I cannot stand in front of people and impose that I do not have problems too, that is what makes me human.
My mom came and talked to me right before I went to bed, I was on the phone with Shawn and that made it mildly awkward. It was a good talk. I was a little surprised about that. I know she wants the best for me; it just sucks sometimes when I am the only person who does not know “the right way” to go about life. Winston Churchill said, “There are two people who never amount to anything; those who don’t do what they are told and those who can do nothing else.” Sometimes I feel torn about everything. “Anna just focus on your dreams, the right boy will come along.” I thought the right boy had come along but of course, like all the people that enter my life, he is just someone to drag me down. Someone is always trying to drag me down in my parent’s eyes. They just see so much potential. I see potential in myself but my mom thinks that for me to go out and do things I need to have someone there. In my personal opinion, I think I just want someone to share my experiences with.
I have tried to talk to Rodney Friday, Saturday and then tonight but every time I do, I get so frustrated. I do not even know how it happens but it does. First it is about him getting a job, then it is about him not having a plan B, then it is about him thinking my religion is stupid, and then…for some reason the list goes on and on and on and on. I mean it was like all of a sudden I had the best boyfriend in the world and I would move to Washington. Now I want nothing but freedom, I want no commitment. I do not even know where this is coming from or if it is just a phase. What if I just want to go on a date to have it mean nothing? Who knows, I spent all of high school wrapped up in a boy and never tried anything. Now I am in the same situation. Maybe I just need some time alone, which is what I told Rodney. I want time to explore but then that is breaking up and I do not want Rodney out of my life. I mean that would be a huge red sign saying, “I do not love you.” That is not what I want to say…I just need some Anna time. I need a chance to breathe. I always need things planned out and perfect. For once I wish that I could just do me and not have to worry about pleasing anyone else or committing to anything. Good thing it is spring break and I will have time to figure out this entire mess.
I feel like I can never have moments like this because so many people are counting on me.
Mood: Who even knows…?
P.S. I have a rash that covers my arms, ouch! I was in the grass this week so that probably did not help.
I got exactly what I needed this morning. I was so high strung in a bad way and going to my church and being in that environment always makes everything become okay, even when it is not. It is an hour and a half of my life where I do not have to focus on anything except praising the Lord and talking to him. I am able to release everything and focus. I have not found anything else that gives me that feeling. I think that eventually I will end up in Colorado and a huge reason besides the people in my life is the “high” that I get off of worshipping God, especially in this setting. I mean I can still feel alive in my faith away from Northern Hills since I am out of the state most of the year. There is a song called, “Better than Drugs” by Skillet. The lyrics are so true though… I do not need to get high or wasted to feel good; I am high off life and thanking the Lord for all He has done for me.
I need to get the fundraising letters out; I just do not know all of what to say. I am optimistic. When I had teachers come up to me and tell me that they want to help my heart was overjoyed to say the least. Just to know that I have the support of my teachers behind me shows me even more that Bethany College was the place for me. This experience will truly be one of a kind and they believe in me enough to help make it happen.
So much has happened. My mom thinks that I share too much in my journals. She feels as if it is too personal. I just told her that I have nothing to hide because I do not. The career that I want to go into I cannot stand in front of people and impose that I do not have problems too, that is what makes me human.
My mom came and talked to me right before I went to bed, I was on the phone with Shawn and that made it mildly awkward. It was a good talk. I was a little surprised about that. I know she wants the best for me; it just sucks sometimes when I am the only person who does not know “the right way” to go about life. Winston Churchill said, “There are two people who never amount to anything; those who don’t do what they are told and those who can do nothing else.” Sometimes I feel torn about everything. “Anna just focus on your dreams, the right boy will come along.” I thought the right boy had come along but of course, like all the people that enter my life, he is just someone to drag me down. Someone is always trying to drag me down in my parent’s eyes. They just see so much potential. I see potential in myself but my mom thinks that for me to go out and do things I need to have someone there. In my personal opinion, I think I just want someone to share my experiences with.
I have tried to talk to Rodney Friday, Saturday and then tonight but every time I do, I get so frustrated. I do not even know how it happens but it does. First it is about him getting a job, then it is about him not having a plan B, then it is about him thinking my religion is stupid, and then…for some reason the list goes on and on and on and on. I mean it was like all of a sudden I had the best boyfriend in the world and I would move to Washington. Now I want nothing but freedom, I want no commitment. I do not even know where this is coming from or if it is just a phase. What if I just want to go on a date to have it mean nothing? Who knows, I spent all of high school wrapped up in a boy and never tried anything. Now I am in the same situation. Maybe I just need some time alone, which is what I told Rodney. I want time to explore but then that is breaking up and I do not want Rodney out of my life. I mean that would be a huge red sign saying, “I do not love you.” That is not what I want to say…I just need some Anna time. I need a chance to breathe. I always need things planned out and perfect. For once I wish that I could just do me and not have to worry about pleasing anyone else or committing to anything. Good thing it is spring break and I will have time to figure out this entire mess.
I feel like I can never have moments like this because so many people are counting on me.
Mood: Who even knows…?
P.S. I have a rash that covers my arms, ouch! I was in the grass this week so that probably did not help.
Monday, March 16, 2009
What is it All For?
March 15, 2009
I feel like it has been so long since I wrote. A lot has happened.
Baseball’s conference opener was on Thursday, we lost. Lost the first game and then went into the fourteenth inning for the second game and lost. Rodney and them were pretty upset. If this is how it is going to be, it is going to be a long season…especially with Cantrell. Most of the Ju-Co players are looking at transferring next year so they do not waste it on this program. I do not blame them. We went from the best in conference to the worst…great move Bethany College…
Friday feels like a complete blur. Like a tear one a piece of paper, nothing but smudges. I have not talked to Shawn. Him and I have not had an actual conversation since Thanksgiving. Every time his number shows up on my phone, my heart feels like it stops beating, along with my breathing. This time, it was not a text about a song that reminded him of me…no, no. (Last October, his sixteen-year-old cousin Amanda was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. I hung out with and knew Amanda. Last February there was a benefit concert held for her. The theme was her own quote, “I Choose Life.” Everyone thought that she was getting better. At 10:28 am, I get the text from Shawn saying, “Since you were the first to know about Amanda, you will be the first to know again. Amanda died last night.” Every time I think of it, I feel sick to my stomach. She was only eighteen and people were optimistic that she was going to beat it. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with and around Shawn’s family. All I could think about was her at the benefit concert. I knew Amanda and then they wheeled her out, half of her body paralyzed, I crumbled; that was not the Amanda that I knew. I remember looking at Shawn and uncontrollably sobbing as he held me close. How could this of happened? She wanted to be an inspiration, she was not mad at God for having brain cancer, her faith never left her. The funeral is on Wednesday and I want to be there but I gave up my right to be with the family. I am not with Shawn, so it is no longer my place. I feel like I am all alone her though. Rodney says that he is here, and he has gone through this before. I know he has, but I want to be with Shawn. I do not know why I am feeling this way. It is like I am holding in all my tears and sorrows until I see him. I know he is holding his in as well. He and I will not see each other. We will not speak after the mourning of Amanda has dwindled. He and I cannot talk; we cannot be friends…
After hearing the news of Amanda I auto-piloted my life. I was waiting for practice to come so I could focus on something else. I did not even want to see Rodney. After practice, I went and got ready to go hang out with my team. I cannot drink, but they were playing a Canadian drinking game that I want to teach to my siblings. We will play with juice or something. I needed to get my mind off it. It is like a switch went on and I did not want to have a boyfriend. I just wanted it to be me. I wanted the freedom to go out with my girls and not have to report to anyone. If I want to stay out and sleep at Serah’s then I would; I would not have to worry about sharing time. It would just be me.
I woke up on Saturday to Tanya yelling. Apparently, she got a DUI the night before. She was stuck in a cell with twelve guys. She has all these bruises and bite marks on her neck. I did not even know what to say to her. I was just in awe, more dumbfounded than anything. I mean, what do you say to that? So, I went and got brownies, cookies, and ice cream. We had a girl’s night. I honestly did not know what to do. I can’t make it go away, I can try to make her feel better by showing that someone cares about her.
Another thing that I am noticing, everything in my life is routine. Even down to what I eat. The excitement of my life sometimes feels like it is buried in textbooks and dreams of bigger days.
O the Monday morning. I just feel like I am floating from one place to another. I talked with Shawn last night until about one in the morning. He actually said goodbye when I was half asleep. Definitely woke up tired. I needed to get my mind off Amanda. The poster from her benefit concert hangs in my room and I look at it and wonder, “Was it all for nothing?”
On a brighter note, Alex said that ASR positions are available for next year. I came to talk to him about reapplying for an RA/SRA position. The ASR is education based and themed-based among different integrated communities. He said that if there was a dictionary definition of the person he would want to run this it would be me. He said if he could clone me for all the dorms it would be perfect. He is looking at me for Anna Marm or the apartments. I want to go to the apartments to experience it and because the change would be nice. If you are not changing, you are not growing.
When Shawn and I talked last night, I asked him why he picked up the phone. He said because he was pissed about how things ended. He had no control. When he and I were in our relationship, I felt torn between my dreams and him. When I was with Shawn, my dreams did not matter; I just wanted to be with him. I can hear my dad now, “How stupid Anna.” But hot damn, I miss Shawn. I think of him often, we used to have so much fun. The fights and the bickering could have been solved, but I felt like I also had to choose between my family, especially my dad and Shawn. Shawn said he would always be a loser when he came to my dad. He was right, my dad thought he was a waste and Shawn would lose every time if I had to choose between one of them. My dad is my best friend, my rock. He is the biggest role model in my life, even though he will never accept it. When I do something great or I accomplish something, I want him to be the first to know. I want him to be proud of me.
I feel so disoriented. I am going through the motions, waiting for volleyball. Waiting to sweat and feel the pain of my achy joints and muscles. I am waiting to feel alive…It is nice out today; I think I will go for a walk.
Monday Evening:
Everything is better now. I got into the weight room, rode a few miles on the elliptical, jumped, did abs, and played. Now I feel relaxed. My body hurts, it still has not recovered from previous injuries. O well, I cannot feel it when I am playing and that is what counts. Playing went AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! None of these exclamation points expresses the amazingness that was in the gym. I enjoy how much say I get. I do run the workouts but even on the court. I matter; just like every other individual…they matter.
Rodney had a game today against York College. They got ten-runned, again. Not a good season started. He is off doing who knows what. I am here just hanging out, and I am content being by myself.
I do not need someone to complete me. I am enough by myself. I am nowhere close to wanting to be super committed or tied down. I have not done anything yet with my life. I have so much more, I am only scratching the surface of my dream. If I never get there then it all will mean nothing.
You see, in the morning, I can feel depressed but then it just goes away. It has always been like that. I never feel the same about something for a whole day….Plus, I cannot be depressed, there is too much to lose…people count on me to be there with a smile…
I feel like it has been so long since I wrote. A lot has happened.
Baseball’s conference opener was on Thursday, we lost. Lost the first game and then went into the fourteenth inning for the second game and lost. Rodney and them were pretty upset. If this is how it is going to be, it is going to be a long season…especially with Cantrell. Most of the Ju-Co players are looking at transferring next year so they do not waste it on this program. I do not blame them. We went from the best in conference to the worst…great move Bethany College…
Friday feels like a complete blur. Like a tear one a piece of paper, nothing but smudges. I have not talked to Shawn. Him and I have not had an actual conversation since Thanksgiving. Every time his number shows up on my phone, my heart feels like it stops beating, along with my breathing. This time, it was not a text about a song that reminded him of me…no, no. (Last October, his sixteen-year-old cousin Amanda was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. I hung out with and knew Amanda. Last February there was a benefit concert held for her. The theme was her own quote, “I Choose Life.” Everyone thought that she was getting better. At 10:28 am, I get the text from Shawn saying, “Since you were the first to know about Amanda, you will be the first to know again. Amanda died last night.” Every time I think of it, I feel sick to my stomach. She was only eighteen and people were optimistic that she was going to beat it. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with and around Shawn’s family. All I could think about was her at the benefit concert. I knew Amanda and then they wheeled her out, half of her body paralyzed, I crumbled; that was not the Amanda that I knew. I remember looking at Shawn and uncontrollably sobbing as he held me close. How could this of happened? She wanted to be an inspiration, she was not mad at God for having brain cancer, her faith never left her. The funeral is on Wednesday and I want to be there but I gave up my right to be with the family. I am not with Shawn, so it is no longer my place. I feel like I am all alone her though. Rodney says that he is here, and he has gone through this before. I know he has, but I want to be with Shawn. I do not know why I am feeling this way. It is like I am holding in all my tears and sorrows until I see him. I know he is holding his in as well. He and I will not see each other. We will not speak after the mourning of Amanda has dwindled. He and I cannot talk; we cannot be friends…
After hearing the news of Amanda I auto-piloted my life. I was waiting for practice to come so I could focus on something else. I did not even want to see Rodney. After practice, I went and got ready to go hang out with my team. I cannot drink, but they were playing a Canadian drinking game that I want to teach to my siblings. We will play with juice or something. I needed to get my mind off it. It is like a switch went on and I did not want to have a boyfriend. I just wanted it to be me. I wanted the freedom to go out with my girls and not have to report to anyone. If I want to stay out and sleep at Serah’s then I would; I would not have to worry about sharing time. It would just be me.
I woke up on Saturday to Tanya yelling. Apparently, she got a DUI the night before. She was stuck in a cell with twelve guys. She has all these bruises and bite marks on her neck. I did not even know what to say to her. I was just in awe, more dumbfounded than anything. I mean, what do you say to that? So, I went and got brownies, cookies, and ice cream. We had a girl’s night. I honestly did not know what to do. I can’t make it go away, I can try to make her feel better by showing that someone cares about her.
Another thing that I am noticing, everything in my life is routine. Even down to what I eat. The excitement of my life sometimes feels like it is buried in textbooks and dreams of bigger days.
O the Monday morning. I just feel like I am floating from one place to another. I talked with Shawn last night until about one in the morning. He actually said goodbye when I was half asleep. Definitely woke up tired. I needed to get my mind off Amanda. The poster from her benefit concert hangs in my room and I look at it and wonder, “Was it all for nothing?”
On a brighter note, Alex said that ASR positions are available for next year. I came to talk to him about reapplying for an RA/SRA position. The ASR is education based and themed-based among different integrated communities. He said that if there was a dictionary definition of the person he would want to run this it would be me. He said if he could clone me for all the dorms it would be perfect. He is looking at me for Anna Marm or the apartments. I want to go to the apartments to experience it and because the change would be nice. If you are not changing, you are not growing.
When Shawn and I talked last night, I asked him why he picked up the phone. He said because he was pissed about how things ended. He had no control. When he and I were in our relationship, I felt torn between my dreams and him. When I was with Shawn, my dreams did not matter; I just wanted to be with him. I can hear my dad now, “How stupid Anna.” But hot damn, I miss Shawn. I think of him often, we used to have so much fun. The fights and the bickering could have been solved, but I felt like I also had to choose between my family, especially my dad and Shawn. Shawn said he would always be a loser when he came to my dad. He was right, my dad thought he was a waste and Shawn would lose every time if I had to choose between one of them. My dad is my best friend, my rock. He is the biggest role model in my life, even though he will never accept it. When I do something great or I accomplish something, I want him to be the first to know. I want him to be proud of me.
I feel so disoriented. I am going through the motions, waiting for volleyball. Waiting to sweat and feel the pain of my achy joints and muscles. I am waiting to feel alive…It is nice out today; I think I will go for a walk.
Monday Evening:
Everything is better now. I got into the weight room, rode a few miles on the elliptical, jumped, did abs, and played. Now I feel relaxed. My body hurts, it still has not recovered from previous injuries. O well, I cannot feel it when I am playing and that is what counts. Playing went AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! None of these exclamation points expresses the amazingness that was in the gym. I enjoy how much say I get. I do run the workouts but even on the court. I matter; just like every other individual…they matter.
Rodney had a game today against York College. They got ten-runned, again. Not a good season started. He is off doing who knows what. I am here just hanging out, and I am content being by myself.
I do not need someone to complete me. I am enough by myself. I am nowhere close to wanting to be super committed or tied down. I have not done anything yet with my life. I have so much more, I am only scratching the surface of my dream. If I never get there then it all will mean nothing.
You see, in the morning, I can feel depressed but then it just goes away. It has always been like that. I never feel the same about something for a whole day….Plus, I cannot be depressed, there is too much to lose…people count on me to be there with a smile…
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