March 10, 2009
So a lot has gone on this week, thankfully all good. I like had a transformation; that could be either good or bad. Well, I am starting to develop a “life”. Yes, I have one; filled with work, school, and workouts. Now I have a life that involves actual friends. Every night this week, I have stayed up late laughing with friends. I got to bed at one, on a school night. You readers laugh at this but this is an accomplishment for me. I am usually the paranoid one that must have everything in the world accomplished before even thinking about hanging out. To be honest, in the past, I had pushed hanging out to being just on the weekends. Tonight I am going to be hanging out with Leah and Serah. I am so stoked! We will get to hang out like we used to last year, I miss it a lot. I miss it more than I ever did hanging out with Josie. I think it is because Leah and Serah are more like me in a sense. In some they are opposites, but I can laugh and have a good time always, well now that everything is settled out between us. I feel like it is a place I can go and not worry about anyone judging me. I am learning that my teammates are not just teammates, they are my network of girlfriends. When I came to Bethany College this was not really a concept that was embraced amongst my prior teammates. We never did stuff like this when the old seniors were here. I feel like I have a bond with my teammates. We can laugh and joke on and off the court. We can also have deep conversations, which brings us closer on and off the court. It feels like a change these past couple of weeks since the volleyball get together. I mean, I am going to hang out with volleyball tonight, and we are going to the club on Thursday. Friday we are going midnight bowling and then Saturday night, who knows what we will get into. I LOVE THAT. I still hang out with Rodney but he and I both feel like we need to have friends and a life outside of each other. That is what will make our relationship last.
O and I had another Logic test on Wednesday, but I am pretty sure I am going to ace it; which will even further solidify my A. I am on my way of writing a proposal to the Academic Dean for two things; one to increase my scholarship since I will end this semester with my third consecutive 4.0. Second, to allow me take a summer class and not pay for it since I missed interterm and paid for that. I hear that it has not been done before. I have a hard time accepting the answer no, but I am confident that I will bring a strong case. If not, then I will reevaluate my case and go back. It never hurt to ask, so it never hurts to ask twice J
Acne is gotten a little bad, or maybe has not changed, either one
Mood: freaking ecstatic!
March 11, 2009
I got my Logic test back…95!!! Woot woot!
I got an email today from a PSI graduate named Lauren. She heard of me through Jaime Winters, who is posting an article about me for the PSI Voice (The article will be up Monday and I will attach the link). Anyway, Lauren is building a church…in Africa. She wants to know if I am interested. I was reading the email and I almost jumped out of my seat in absolute joy. I want to get the details on it, but I am praying that it works out because this is an opportunity of a lifetime!! I just get butterflies when I think about it!
I almost had a melt down…for the oddest reason. I felt like I could just fall to tears this evening. Nothing was even wrong. Maybe there was, we were scrimmaging today, and coach moved me from left to right. This probably means nothing and she is just changing up the lineup, but it got to me. It made me feel like I am not good enough to play outside. Also, I was also a little ticked because my body hurts everywhere. There is no time to relax. It started in my right hip flexor and now it is both of them, plus both my knees, plus my lower back. Who knows, I hate taking Advil but I am going to make an exception and hopefully rest up because I am dehydrated, going through hot flashes with a stuffy nose and sore throat. Oh no! I need to get better.
Another thing that bothered me today was I wish that I did not care as much as I do about grades. How I wish I could just say, “You know what I am going to learn, no matter what the grade.” Ha! I feel like it I give myself the opportunity to slack, I will. I just tell myself that someday it will not be like this. I am interested in the learning material we cover, so maybe I am learning. I like reading it; maybe I am just wiped out. Who knows? I honestly would feel like a failure if I did not meet my goal of graduating with a 4.0. It is embedded into my head somewhere, that if it is not an A then I was not trying. I just need to find a balance. Sometimes I despise it. In all reality the core to my stress is probably for my weigh in. I feel like I eat nothing, so today when I did eat something more than normal, I felt like I was going to have a bad weigh in. I need not think about such trivial causes. I need an escape, oh how convenient, Spring Break. Yep, that is what my problem is; I miss home!
I feel so much better now that my thoughts are out in the open.
Mood: A little bit of everywhere.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Almost the Weekend!
March 5, 2009
Wow this week has really flown by. I get into this mode where I go through the motions and I forget what had happened. I do this when I am driving. There are hours of time that are unaccounted for simply because I just space out. This is probably not the best habit but driving by yourself in a straight line for six hours in the middle of Kansas and Eastern Colorado can sometimes be torture. In my opinion it is not bad to do this in driving but it is bad to do it in life. Coasting through life on autopilot can get you in trouble. All of a sudden, years have gone by and you wonder where all the time went. Now that I am aware that I am doing this, I can make efforts to change it.
I feel like all in all our team has become closer. This is a big change from last year and my first year. I never really felt apart of the volleyball team, I was just a member. The senior click was absolutely ridiculous. I think it is important to develop relationships off the court so that there is a bond of trust on the court. I also believe in working out as a team, even though I would much rather do it myself. I have a feeling we would have girls that would not work out at all! I like it though because I am in shape, so if a teammate falls behind, I have no problem running extra to help them out and encourage them. I believe suffering together makes a team stronger. Then you know that there are five other people on the court with you are working just as hard as you are to get better. It is hard to push yourself if no one around you is.
Amazing enough I still have not had a mental break down when it comes to school. I am still coasting through. Not because it is easy but because my time management skills are at work! I get done what I need to get done. I like it because I am busy but not stressed or overworked. This makes me feel at ease and I am sure that I am a much nicer person to be around. I mean it is little things like picking up after myself and planning ahead. All my bags are packed and ready to go the night before so that in the morning I do not have to worry about it, I just grab and go. It made it to where Rodney and I could watch a movie last night without me having to worry about everything I still have left to do. One step at a time. I have a paper due on Monday that I could start on but I think I am just going to relax. Actually, I am going to ride the elliptical and then go to practice. Somewhere in between that I am going to eat dinner.
We are supposed to have a volleyball get-together but I am on duty tonight. So what I might do is just go to Carrie’s at like ten when I no longer have to be in the lobby and hang out for a while. Rodney, me, and the six baseball players are going to see Slumdog Millionaire. I have never heard of it but it won a ton of awards. I want to go see The Uninvited but it is a scary movie and Rodney is not really into those. He actually cannot sleep at night after watching them, so I figured since we saw what I wanted to see last time; we will go see what he wants to see tonight
The dreaded anxious weigh-in is tomorrow. If I weigh in good Rodney and I are going to Neighbor’s for breakfast…YUM!
Mood:Tired but Content
Wow this week has really flown by. I get into this mode where I go through the motions and I forget what had happened. I do this when I am driving. There are hours of time that are unaccounted for simply because I just space out. This is probably not the best habit but driving by yourself in a straight line for six hours in the middle of Kansas and Eastern Colorado can sometimes be torture. In my opinion it is not bad to do this in driving but it is bad to do it in life. Coasting through life on autopilot can get you in trouble. All of a sudden, years have gone by and you wonder where all the time went. Now that I am aware that I am doing this, I can make efforts to change it.
I feel like all in all our team has become closer. This is a big change from last year and my first year. I never really felt apart of the volleyball team, I was just a member. The senior click was absolutely ridiculous. I think it is important to develop relationships off the court so that there is a bond of trust on the court. I also believe in working out as a team, even though I would much rather do it myself. I have a feeling we would have girls that would not work out at all! I like it though because I am in shape, so if a teammate falls behind, I have no problem running extra to help them out and encourage them. I believe suffering together makes a team stronger. Then you know that there are five other people on the court with you are working just as hard as you are to get better. It is hard to push yourself if no one around you is.
Amazing enough I still have not had a mental break down when it comes to school. I am still coasting through. Not because it is easy but because my time management skills are at work! I get done what I need to get done. I like it because I am busy but not stressed or overworked. This makes me feel at ease and I am sure that I am a much nicer person to be around. I mean it is little things like picking up after myself and planning ahead. All my bags are packed and ready to go the night before so that in the morning I do not have to worry about it, I just grab and go. It made it to where Rodney and I could watch a movie last night without me having to worry about everything I still have left to do. One step at a time. I have a paper due on Monday that I could start on but I think I am just going to relax. Actually, I am going to ride the elliptical and then go to practice. Somewhere in between that I am going to eat dinner.
We are supposed to have a volleyball get-together but I am on duty tonight. So what I might do is just go to Carrie’s at like ten when I no longer have to be in the lobby and hang out for a while. Rodney, me, and the six baseball players are going to see Slumdog Millionaire. I have never heard of it but it won a ton of awards. I want to go see The Uninvited but it is a scary movie and Rodney is not really into those. He actually cannot sleep at night after watching them, so I figured since we saw what I wanted to see last time; we will go see what he wants to see tonight
The dreaded anxious weigh-in is tomorrow. If I weigh in good Rodney and I are going to Neighbor’s for breakfast…YUM!
Mood:Tired but Content
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Mondays Are Rarely Something to Be Excited About
March 2, 2009
Even though I felt rested I was just really quiet today. My Logic class is starting to confuse me and we have a test on Monday. We have to memorize seventeen different fallacies. O my. I just get them all confused. I am going to have to rely on my skill in B.S.ing my way through. Well I guess one could call it persuasion through intellectual thought. Yes, that is what we will call it!
I am wiped out physically and mentally. We lifted six lifts all consisting of legs. How stupid first of all. We did squats, squat jumps, and single leg squat. This is just to give you and idea of this workout. We also lift four times a week. On top of that, today we did abs, plyometrics, jumping program and played. I was so wiped out, not because it was hard but it took four hours. I also rode four and a half miles on the elliptical.
I did not get my bulletin board done either for this month. I said that I was going to do it Friday night but we ended up having a girl’s night instead. No one in Anna Marm has done it because we are all so drained. I feel like I have failed in some way though, not meeting a deadline. My dad would definitely be disappointed. I am going to try and get it done by tomorrow night, even though we have until Friday. I just feel like it reflects badly on my character.
Shawn text me today, out of the blue, apologizing for “being kind of an ass the other day.” He and I do not talk but random texts seem to fly both ways every once in a while. It started out talking about a song by Hinder called, “The Best is Yet to Come.” Apparently when he hears the chorus, he is saying it to me. I find this hard to believe because I do not remember him being that supportive EVER. So then we argued. Finally I just stopped it. It is so childish and I am so over it. He was a big part in my life but now he is in the past. I would not mind talking with him, but relationship wise, I am done. As I study more and more in to my degrees I can identify the relationship we had. We call it Mania. Were the two people have jealous, possessive love and get stomach aches frequently, which him and I did all the time. There was an entire month of my life my freshman year where I was sick to my stomach all of the time and I did not know why, now I know. Along with some other things I have learned in previous classes, him and I were not meant to be together. He and I need to accept the fact that we were not functional because of the things that have happened in the past. We both want different things…
I am not looking for a commitment. I am 19 years old who cannot even commit myself to a favorite color, let alone to someone else. I am exclusive with Rodney, he is my boyfriend. Him and I both have a lot of living left to do before we go off and get married. Yep, a lot to do…What I love is that Rodney and I are completely content with that. There is no need to rush. I am still discovering and finding who I am and what I want out of life.
Even though I felt rested I was just really quiet today. My Logic class is starting to confuse me and we have a test on Monday. We have to memorize seventeen different fallacies. O my. I just get them all confused. I am going to have to rely on my skill in B.S.ing my way through. Well I guess one could call it persuasion through intellectual thought. Yes, that is what we will call it!
I am wiped out physically and mentally. We lifted six lifts all consisting of legs. How stupid first of all. We did squats, squat jumps, and single leg squat. This is just to give you and idea of this workout. We also lift four times a week. On top of that, today we did abs, plyometrics, jumping program and played. I was so wiped out, not because it was hard but it took four hours. I also rode four and a half miles on the elliptical.
I did not get my bulletin board done either for this month. I said that I was going to do it Friday night but we ended up having a girl’s night instead. No one in Anna Marm has done it because we are all so drained. I feel like I have failed in some way though, not meeting a deadline. My dad would definitely be disappointed. I am going to try and get it done by tomorrow night, even though we have until Friday. I just feel like it reflects badly on my character.
Shawn text me today, out of the blue, apologizing for “being kind of an ass the other day.” He and I do not talk but random texts seem to fly both ways every once in a while. It started out talking about a song by Hinder called, “The Best is Yet to Come.” Apparently when he hears the chorus, he is saying it to me. I find this hard to believe because I do not remember him being that supportive EVER. So then we argued. Finally I just stopped it. It is so childish and I am so over it. He was a big part in my life but now he is in the past. I would not mind talking with him, but relationship wise, I am done. As I study more and more in to my degrees I can identify the relationship we had. We call it Mania. Were the two people have jealous, possessive love and get stomach aches frequently, which him and I did all the time. There was an entire month of my life my freshman year where I was sick to my stomach all of the time and I did not know why, now I know. Along with some other things I have learned in previous classes, him and I were not meant to be together. He and I need to accept the fact that we were not functional because of the things that have happened in the past. We both want different things…
I am not looking for a commitment. I am 19 years old who cannot even commit myself to a favorite color, let alone to someone else. I am exclusive with Rodney, he is my boyfriend. Him and I both have a lot of living left to do before we go off and get married. Yep, a lot to do…What I love is that Rodney and I are completely content with that. There is no need to rush. I am still discovering and finding who I am and what I want out of life.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The Necessary Weekend
March 1, 2009
So I went to play volleyball on Friday and it was a complete and total pick on Anna day. Leah and I do not get along. It is not because of on-the-court issue it is off the court. However, I do not even know what the problem is, but every time Leah or Serah got the ball it went to me. There was one point where I took 11 serve receive passes in a row. When I shanked or messed up they would look at me with a glare and cheer. I asked Leah in the locker room if there was anyway that her and I could fix the whole mess and resolve the issue. She said, “Hmmm…no, probably not, sorry.” I was trying not to cry as I left the gym. Coach said she saw me do some good things, which made me feel good. I did not even want to go to the team dinner. I did not want to be anywhere near my team. I saw myself going through this season and hating it. You never want someone to fake that they like you. It creates a hostile environment along with control issues. I did not even know Leah had a problem with me until about a week ago when she got on me for having a constant scheduling conflict for Sunday night study hall.
I get to the house and she is pretending to be nice to me. Everyone that was not in the senior click left the dinner around 7:30, but I stayed. I am so glad I did. The dinner started at six and I left around ten thirty and that was just because Tanya was at Rodney’s house with a milkshake from Bogey’s. We all started laughing and talking. They were taking chocolate cake shots (combination of sucking on a lemon with sugar after a shot of alcohol). I cannot drink because of the medication, but Serah baked a chocolate cake with strawberries and bananas, iced with whipped cream. YUM! She said I could have the first piece since I could not participate in the team shot taking. She called me, “Anna Baby”, something she has not called me in forever. We are goofy girls and had a blast. When I left there were hugs and everything. Leah text me when I got home and said that she had a really fun time hanging out with me, that we should hang out next weekend, and that when it comes to being teammates we are cool. That made me so happy. I did not know if it was the alcohol talking but then we talked today and laughed like we were friends. I am glad that I took the initiative, it paid off and we are going to have a kick ass season in the fall. Being close to all of them makes me want to play. This is going to be our best season yet. There are not segregated clicks like there were last year. The Varsity all get along and hang out. Last year we hardly ever did team stuff.
One thing I did notice and I am not sure on how I feel is. If I do something then the people around me will also. Hannahberger was so shocked that I did it. I did it and then Megan and Kristi followed. It is like if I am around there is no talk or participation in drinking, smoking, or sex. Me coming out for the night helped clear that up, and makes me feel like I have friends. As weird and awkward as that sounds.
Rodney played the number one team in the nation on Friday. It was 0-0 in the bottom of the seventh. (When we played them the first time we lost 19-6). All of a sudden, Larson makes four errors in a row and we lose 0-5. No one even talked to Larson. He is our problem player. He came in thinking he was going to bat over 400 every game but he makes so many errors on the field and is not even a good hitter. He is our short stop and coach’s pride and joy. Ridiculous! Rodney came home really mad. He said he ended up drinking until five talking baseball with Schlepp and Brian; they did not get home until at 3:30.
In the morning we got ready to go to Kansas City to see Carissa. Out of no where she calls me and asks me to be her Maid of Honor in her wedding. I am totally so happy! I do not know what all goes into being a maid of honor but I am going to try my best to be there and help her. Her wedding is October 3rd, right in the beginning of season, but I thought about it and she should not have to plan “her” day around her family, because this is her special day and she only gets one I was actually taken back by the fact that she asked me. A few years ago we did not really even have a relationship because we fought all the time. She was the one person that I looked up to my whole childhood; I wanted to be just like her. She got involved with the wrong crowd and starting using some heavy drugs. I remember, her and I were working at the restaurant and everything was fine…all of a sudden she stormed off. I was 14. We changed the locks at our house and she left for Kansas City to be with her dad. That was the first time I had to take her off the pedestal of being an older sister and put her on the level of being a human being of free will. She is nothing like that now. She is amazing, her life is all together and she has a man that loves her more than anything. I love watching them interact, it is so positive; they bring out the best in each other. I am so happy for them to finally be getting married.
We went out to eat at the Olive Garden that night, but during the day we just hung out and talked. That is what I like the most. I go to Kansas City to just relax. There are no worries in the world (school), it is just time to let loose and have a good time. I am going back up there after Spring Break to help her pick out things for the wedding.
It is always a long drive back, and I had to work at five. I have to bust my butt into gear. I have had two bad eating weekends and it seems like I have not lost anything. So we will see by next weekend weigh in.
The only apparent symptoms are the bumps on my upper arms and more scattered bumps on my legs. I think I have them because my skin is just dry. I have a plethora of them on my left arm all because my backpack slid down my arm. I was wearing a hoodie and everything but an unmistakable burning feeling lingered after the backpack incident, now I can visibly see the red bumps.
Mood: Sleepy Determined
Thursday, February 26, 2009
It is Almost the Weekend
February 26, 2009
The week has gone by so fast, just like it always does. I wore my glasses yesterday. I put on makeup and did my hair just incase the glasses looked bad. I also put on something other than sweats and a t-shirt. Well the glasses were a hit! Some of my teammates had to take a double take because they have never seen me with glasses. Overall it was good. A friend of mine also said I looked ravishing. Silly boys, but I do enjoy the compliments. It will take Rodney awhile to get used to them but over time he will adjust. I think I am getting hydrated again because my lips are not as chapped and the sides of my mouth are no longer cracked.
I have also put on a little weight. Probably because of this weekend; this was to be expected because I consumed a village worth of food. I am sure my weigh in will be fine, I will have to back track some. Also I am drinking a ton of water now. People on my team have asked me if I have lost weight and I gladly tell them yes. Last weekend was to show that I cannot eat like that if I want the results. It is a learning experience. We are having a volleyball dinner, tomorrow, the night before my weigh in. I think I am just going to bring my dinner with me; an apple and an instant breakfast. They will be having spaghetti and chocolate cake.
My mom called last night just to talk and we talked for forty-five minutes. I loved it. We talked about a lot of things about home but then we brought up the topic of Lent. I like what she said, ‘It’s not always something you have to give up, you can do something good too.” I did not know what I was going to give up for Lent but I have decided for the course of Lent I am going to take Brian, Rodney’s best friend, as a person instead of the loser I think he is. I am going to get to know Brian instead of judging him on his habits. We will see, day one has started off on the right foot.
Josh and I have been emailing a lot back and forth. He makes me smile every time I read his emails. He thinks the same way that I do and it is nice to talk about similar beliefs. He is a very driven young man and he is confident about it. However, I am definitely checking my facebook more often to see if he has emailed me. In a sense this could be bad, but it is harmless emails about our favorite things and what we want out of college and life. It is just a friendship but at Bethany College every little thing can turn into a forest fire within seconds. I thought about it some more. Josh is tall, cute, and funny but he is not Rodney. It is fun to email back and forth, but Rodney treats me so well, he cares about me, and there is nothing I would change in my life. Rodney is not replaceable, even if Josh has all of those stellar qualities. I know what it is like to be manipulated, brokenhearted, not good enough and treated like shit. Never for a second have I felt any of these things. I enjoy being a part of his life and having him a part of mine. I enjoy watching, talking and reminiscing baseball. However, if my socks are off it means absolutely no baseball talk. All of which I did not enjoy before. I think it is because he makes me a priority too. Even though I know his schedule better than he does, that is my baseball role in a way. I also enjoy how we never fight, we have disputes but we talk them out, always. I just…cherish him.
My relationship map is finally complete. It is a good project but what I see in my head is not necessarily what I see on paper or shoe box to be exact. This is just a draft. It is a good start; I have been thinking about it and sketching this for a couple of weeks. I think I took Isaacson by surprise but then not really. He said that it was, “A very Alexis thing to do.” I wish my parents could meet him. I already am starting to plot my final project. I love my classes! All of them, they shape me. I am so into my degrees, because I am learning about the subjects, but with things like the relationship map, I am learning about myself; which to me is the most important thing in college. Some communications professor told me repeatedly once that there was more to college than A’s, I laughed. There is, I see the error of my ways. I had to see it, not be advised, this way I believe it and I live by it. Do not worry; my 4.0 GPA is still a goal along with many other things.
Josie and I have talked a lot this week, compared to other weeks. I am noticing that me being at lunch is way in which me and Josie stay in touch and catch up. She and I are both so busy. We are both free spirited and still close. We are planning to hangout soon, hopefully. She has track every weekend, o well I have baseball.
I am going to Kansas City for the weekend to see Carissa. I am super stoked because I miss her!!and ER. We are going on a double date…yum yum.
Mood: Healthy in body, mind and spirit
The week has gone by so fast, just like it always does. I wore my glasses yesterday. I put on makeup and did my hair just incase the glasses looked bad. I also put on something other than sweats and a t-shirt. Well the glasses were a hit! Some of my teammates had to take a double take because they have never seen me with glasses. Overall it was good. A friend of mine also said I looked ravishing. Silly boys, but I do enjoy the compliments. It will take Rodney awhile to get used to them but over time he will adjust. I think I am getting hydrated again because my lips are not as chapped and the sides of my mouth are no longer cracked.
I have also put on a little weight. Probably because of this weekend; this was to be expected because I consumed a village worth of food. I am sure my weigh in will be fine, I will have to back track some. Also I am drinking a ton of water now. People on my team have asked me if I have lost weight and I gladly tell them yes. Last weekend was to show that I cannot eat like that if I want the results. It is a learning experience. We are having a volleyball dinner, tomorrow, the night before my weigh in. I think I am just going to bring my dinner with me; an apple and an instant breakfast. They will be having spaghetti and chocolate cake.
My mom called last night just to talk and we talked for forty-five minutes. I loved it. We talked about a lot of things about home but then we brought up the topic of Lent. I like what she said, ‘It’s not always something you have to give up, you can do something good too.” I did not know what I was going to give up for Lent but I have decided for the course of Lent I am going to take Brian, Rodney’s best friend, as a person instead of the loser I think he is. I am going to get to know Brian instead of judging him on his habits. We will see, day one has started off on the right foot.
Josh and I have been emailing a lot back and forth. He makes me smile every time I read his emails. He thinks the same way that I do and it is nice to talk about similar beliefs. He is a very driven young man and he is confident about it. However, I am definitely checking my facebook more often to see if he has emailed me. In a sense this could be bad, but it is harmless emails about our favorite things and what we want out of college and life. It is just a friendship but at Bethany College every little thing can turn into a forest fire within seconds. I thought about it some more. Josh is tall, cute, and funny but he is not Rodney. It is fun to email back and forth, but Rodney treats me so well, he cares about me, and there is nothing I would change in my life. Rodney is not replaceable, even if Josh has all of those stellar qualities. I know what it is like to be manipulated, brokenhearted, not good enough and treated like shit. Never for a second have I felt any of these things. I enjoy being a part of his life and having him a part of mine. I enjoy watching, talking and reminiscing baseball. However, if my socks are off it means absolutely no baseball talk. All of which I did not enjoy before. I think it is because he makes me a priority too. Even though I know his schedule better than he does, that is my baseball role in a way. I also enjoy how we never fight, we have disputes but we talk them out, always. I just…cherish him.
My relationship map is finally complete. It is a good project but what I see in my head is not necessarily what I see on paper or shoe box to be exact. This is just a draft. It is a good start; I have been thinking about it and sketching this for a couple of weeks. I think I took Isaacson by surprise but then not really. He said that it was, “A very Alexis thing to do.” I wish my parents could meet him. I already am starting to plot my final project. I love my classes! All of them, they shape me. I am so into my degrees, because I am learning about the subjects, but with things like the relationship map, I am learning about myself; which to me is the most important thing in college. Some communications professor told me repeatedly once that there was more to college than A’s, I laughed. There is, I see the error of my ways. I had to see it, not be advised, this way I believe it and I live by it. Do not worry; my 4.0 GPA is still a goal along with many other things.
Josie and I have talked a lot this week, compared to other weeks. I am noticing that me being at lunch is way in which me and Josie stay in touch and catch up. She and I are both so busy. We are both free spirited and still close. We are planning to hangout soon, hopefully. She has track every weekend, o well I have baseball.
I am going to Kansas City for the weekend to see Carissa. I am super stoked because I miss her!!and ER. We are going on a double date…yum yum.
Mood: Healthy in body, mind and spirit
Monday, February 23, 2009
Monday February 23
Anna! Anna! Where are you?! I know, I have been gone for a whole week.
Let’s get the symptoms out of the way…face is looking a lot better! Not so much red but sometimes burning when I put moisturizer on. It is bearable but definitely zero fun. (SIDENOTE- so Isaacson taught me how to spell definitely. There is a website that has every other possible way of spelling it and then the correct way and I remembered! Normally, if I do not know how to spell a word then I will not use it at all…it is like a new door opened to my vocabulary.) Anyways, I am starting to wear make up like three times a week, nothing to catastrophic yet. I go in on Wednesday for the appointment to get my refill. The only symptom that hurts the worst is the sides of my mouth. Eating today was so painful. I had a sandwich and every time I went to open my mouth it felt like my mouth was tearing. I am putting Neosporin on for that. My ring worm is gone. However, I have a plethora of red bumps on my limbs, mostly my calves. I just keep putting lotion on, and trying to cover them the best way I can. Now onto the good stuff…my life
My little sister had her seventeenth birthday this week. It makes me sad that I had to miss it but she was with her best friend so I do not feel so bad about not being there. She told me everything went too fast and all I could tell her was that it always will go fast, if not faster. I said that it goes faster when you are doing something with your life and when you are busy. I am so proud of her. Even though she and I disagree on study habits, how dirty or clean a room should be, she is going be unbelievable. She has that “Win at all costs” attitude. This will take her far, sure she could treat her younger siblings different but I know I was the same way when I was her age. Now all I do is miss my siblings. Home is not home until I get a giant, breathtaking hug from my little brother Zach. He is the one I am most curious about; he is the one I want to get to know. His mind is witty, superior, and one of a kind. He is tall as a tree and full of love. Hot damn, I miss him so much. Then there is Jacob. I am learning about his type of personality in my learning class. They call him an oppositional child. Jacob is smart and he has the potential to be a better athlete than any of us kids…he just has to want it. He gets mad at the littlest thing and he holds onto it. He lies and some days I swear his only objective is to make people upset. I do not understand it, but I want to. The only cure for kids like Jacob is to replace a bad habit with a new one. This sounds time consuming…well it is. It is something that has to be done constantly every day. Honestly, I do not think my parents have the time or patience. It is about bringing out the good in Jacob instead of always referring to the bad that he has done or probably will do. I wish I was there to be there for him. I admit he can make me so mad sometimes, I preach all the time that you are the only one that can make you upset…well then I make myself very upset sometimes.
I will be home in less than a month! I am excited to see my parents, to talk for hours with my dad about nothing and everything. I wish my mom and I had a stronger relationship. We spent eighty percent of my life arguing, even when I was little. We always conflicted, just because I way too stubborn with a big mouth. She and I did not really click until I left for college. She and I are emotionally connected, it takes a lot for me to cry but if she cries than automatically I lose it...every time. I should not of given her such a hard time, she has been through things I will never be through. When I was in high school success to me was going to college with the works to go along with it like scholarships. So then she was not a success, hell I am wishing, hoping, and praying that I can half the mom she is. I look up to her more than I ever show. Success is not measured by how many A’s you have, or how many degrees you acquire. Success to me is doing what you want in your life, supporting the people around you and loving every minute. Success is self measured. I pulled a complete dick move yesterday. She called and she was asking about my Accutane and my glasses. I was flooded with homework and was trying to get done, so I could go to the baseball game that I was already late for. I snapped at her which I should not of. I hung up the phone and was going to text her about it but I did not. I guess it just bothered me that since I have been back she has not called just to talk…just to see what is up; probably because she knows I am flooded busy. I have talked to my dad a couple of times. I think that they just read my blog and that is sufficient enough. Why call when they can read about my day and everything else going on in my head. It is okay though because I can express things through a keyboard that I would not be able to express in person. Also when I type it, I can remember it and share it without forgetting it.
(SO…I learned from my mom at an early age; never mix black and brown. And NEVER mix black with dark blue…There are people here whose mothers did not teach them that…funny how certain things you will always remember.)
Another person that I cannot wait to see is Hunter. He is hands down my best friend in the whole world! I love him just as much as I love my own siblings. Even though I do not agree with the choices he is making in life, specifically his extracurricular activities, he still is number one. That is the awkward thing about best friends, you can influence them but you can never change them and if you try, you could end up losing them in the process. I am pretty sure every girl he has at his house has distaste for me. I am the only girl that has a picture up in his room; it is one that he and I took at my 16th birthday party. This is the best friend who I can tell absolutely anything to and vice versa. To be frank, there are things that I did not want to know about him but I do nonetheless. This is one person I do not judge because he is so close to me.. Is there sexual tension, I know everyone that knows us wonders this. Does he find me attractive? Yes. His friends ask him why he and I never dated. The thought really never crossed our minds. I know that I have an attractive best friend. However, laying together watching a movie or falling asleep in the same bed is just the same as if I did it with my siblings. All him and I really say when people look at us awkward for the way we act, because we are very close and comfortable with each other, we just tell them that if something was going to happen, it would have happened already…we know to much about the other person now. My other best friend, who I have a matching tattoo with, well her and I have grown somewhat apart. She is what I call a “sayer”. She says that she is going to do this and that and this and that but NOTHING ever happens. I am a doer…I do things, if I want something I work to get it. So in a way it makes it hard and she criticizes the hell out of everything I do. I love her and she is still one of my closest friends, she just has a new best friend that she is inseparable with that can be there for her. As long as she is happy…
I had a pretty fun weekend…we barbequed, and I found out that I like barbeque sauce…all these years my dad has been making me plain ribs. What was I thinking? Rodney soaked them in a special mixture of sauces over night. Yeah I weighed in at 154.2, the lowest I have been since freshman year of high school. Woot, woot! It does not seem that way but…anyways, this was my meal to get down…I had four barbequed ribs, two plain, a pork chop, beans, green beans, chips and queso, with about a half a pan of brownies. What is sad is that I am not full yet. I stopped eating though….I had a terrible eating weekend, but I am just going to say it was for a good cause…a healthy body and a baseball filled weekend.
I get my Learning test back tomorrow, but I got my Logic test back today…89%. So my day was almost ruined…I was seven tenths of a point away from an A. This is the hardest but most rewarding class I have ever taken. To me, if it is not an A then it might as well be an F. I learned that from my dad. He always demanded perfection but I could never attain it. It is funny how the mind set follows me. With two consecutive 4.0 semesters, I am looking to making this one number three. He never told me to get a 4.0 in college, I just want one. However, I do not ever get tired of telling him about my goals, in most ways there are the same as his.
I was in the library last night and the guy that told me I was weird in the training room a few weeks ago was in there, his name is Josh. He and I usually say hello to each other. He walks in and looks at me as he sits down and says, “Your face looks good…Wow that was an awkward compliment.” I just smiled and said thank you. He went to Cherokee Trails and even though him and I are at the same school it is like we are rivals still well not so much anymore since we talked for about two hours.
Mood: Tired with tons to do
Let’s get the symptoms out of the way…face is looking a lot better! Not so much red but sometimes burning when I put moisturizer on. It is bearable but definitely zero fun. (SIDENOTE- so Isaacson taught me how to spell definitely. There is a website that has every other possible way of spelling it and then the correct way and I remembered! Normally, if I do not know how to spell a word then I will not use it at all…it is like a new door opened to my vocabulary.) Anyways, I am starting to wear make up like three times a week, nothing to catastrophic yet. I go in on Wednesday for the appointment to get my refill. The only symptom that hurts the worst is the sides of my mouth. Eating today was so painful. I had a sandwich and every time I went to open my mouth it felt like my mouth was tearing. I am putting Neosporin on for that. My ring worm is gone. However, I have a plethora of red bumps on my limbs, mostly my calves. I just keep putting lotion on, and trying to cover them the best way I can. Now onto the good stuff…my life
My little sister had her seventeenth birthday this week. It makes me sad that I had to miss it but she was with her best friend so I do not feel so bad about not being there. She told me everything went too fast and all I could tell her was that it always will go fast, if not faster. I said that it goes faster when you are doing something with your life and when you are busy. I am so proud of her. Even though she and I disagree on study habits, how dirty or clean a room should be, she is going be unbelievable. She has that “Win at all costs” attitude. This will take her far, sure she could treat her younger siblings different but I know I was the same way when I was her age. Now all I do is miss my siblings. Home is not home until I get a giant, breathtaking hug from my little brother Zach. He is the one I am most curious about; he is the one I want to get to know. His mind is witty, superior, and one of a kind. He is tall as a tree and full of love. Hot damn, I miss him so much. Then there is Jacob. I am learning about his type of personality in my learning class. They call him an oppositional child. Jacob is smart and he has the potential to be a better athlete than any of us kids…he just has to want it. He gets mad at the littlest thing and he holds onto it. He lies and some days I swear his only objective is to make people upset. I do not understand it, but I want to. The only cure for kids like Jacob is to replace a bad habit with a new one. This sounds time consuming…well it is. It is something that has to be done constantly every day. Honestly, I do not think my parents have the time or patience. It is about bringing out the good in Jacob instead of always referring to the bad that he has done or probably will do. I wish I was there to be there for him. I admit he can make me so mad sometimes, I preach all the time that you are the only one that can make you upset…well then I make myself very upset sometimes.
I will be home in less than a month! I am excited to see my parents, to talk for hours with my dad about nothing and everything. I wish my mom and I had a stronger relationship. We spent eighty percent of my life arguing, even when I was little. We always conflicted, just because I way too stubborn with a big mouth. She and I did not really click until I left for college. She and I are emotionally connected, it takes a lot for me to cry but if she cries than automatically I lose it...every time. I should not of given her such a hard time, she has been through things I will never be through. When I was in high school success to me was going to college with the works to go along with it like scholarships. So then she was not a success, hell I am wishing, hoping, and praying that I can half the mom she is. I look up to her more than I ever show. Success is not measured by how many A’s you have, or how many degrees you acquire. Success to me is doing what you want in your life, supporting the people around you and loving every minute. Success is self measured. I pulled a complete dick move yesterday. She called and she was asking about my Accutane and my glasses. I was flooded with homework and was trying to get done, so I could go to the baseball game that I was already late for. I snapped at her which I should not of. I hung up the phone and was going to text her about it but I did not. I guess it just bothered me that since I have been back she has not called just to talk…just to see what is up; probably because she knows I am flooded busy. I have talked to my dad a couple of times. I think that they just read my blog and that is sufficient enough. Why call when they can read about my day and everything else going on in my head. It is okay though because I can express things through a keyboard that I would not be able to express in person. Also when I type it, I can remember it and share it without forgetting it.
(SO…I learned from my mom at an early age; never mix black and brown. And NEVER mix black with dark blue…There are people here whose mothers did not teach them that…funny how certain things you will always remember.)
Another person that I cannot wait to see is Hunter. He is hands down my best friend in the whole world! I love him just as much as I love my own siblings. Even though I do not agree with the choices he is making in life, specifically his extracurricular activities, he still is number one. That is the awkward thing about best friends, you can influence them but you can never change them and if you try, you could end up losing them in the process. I am pretty sure every girl he has at his house has distaste for me. I am the only girl that has a picture up in his room; it is one that he and I took at my 16th birthday party. This is the best friend who I can tell absolutely anything to and vice versa. To be frank, there are things that I did not want to know about him but I do nonetheless. This is one person I do not judge because he is so close to me.. Is there sexual tension, I know everyone that knows us wonders this. Does he find me attractive? Yes. His friends ask him why he and I never dated. The thought really never crossed our minds. I know that I have an attractive best friend. However, laying together watching a movie or falling asleep in the same bed is just the same as if I did it with my siblings. All him and I really say when people look at us awkward for the way we act, because we are very close and comfortable with each other, we just tell them that if something was going to happen, it would have happened already…we know to much about the other person now. My other best friend, who I have a matching tattoo with, well her and I have grown somewhat apart. She is what I call a “sayer”. She says that she is going to do this and that and this and that but NOTHING ever happens. I am a doer…I do things, if I want something I work to get it. So in a way it makes it hard and she criticizes the hell out of everything I do. I love her and she is still one of my closest friends, she just has a new best friend that she is inseparable with that can be there for her. As long as she is happy…
I had a pretty fun weekend…we barbequed, and I found out that I like barbeque sauce…all these years my dad has been making me plain ribs. What was I thinking? Rodney soaked them in a special mixture of sauces over night. Yeah I weighed in at 154.2, the lowest I have been since freshman year of high school. Woot, woot! It does not seem that way but…anyways, this was my meal to get down…I had four barbequed ribs, two plain, a pork chop, beans, green beans, chips and queso, with about a half a pan of brownies. What is sad is that I am not full yet. I stopped eating though….I had a terrible eating weekend, but I am just going to say it was for a good cause…a healthy body and a baseball filled weekend.
I get my Learning test back tomorrow, but I got my Logic test back today…89%. So my day was almost ruined…I was seven tenths of a point away from an A. This is the hardest but most rewarding class I have ever taken. To me, if it is not an A then it might as well be an F. I learned that from my dad. He always demanded perfection but I could never attain it. It is funny how the mind set follows me. With two consecutive 4.0 semesters, I am looking to making this one number three. He never told me to get a 4.0 in college, I just want one. However, I do not ever get tired of telling him about my goals, in most ways there are the same as his.
I was in the library last night and the guy that told me I was weird in the training room a few weeks ago was in there, his name is Josh. He and I usually say hello to each other. He walks in and looks at me as he sits down and says, “Your face looks good…Wow that was an awkward compliment.” I just smiled and said thank you. He went to Cherokee Trails and even though him and I are at the same school it is like we are rivals still well not so much anymore since we talked for about two hours.
Mood: Tired with tons to do
Monday, February 16, 2009
A New Week
So i have hit passed the twenty day mark of my Accutane!! No thoughts of suicide, always seems to be a good sign. :) Those spots that I have been telling you about have nothing to do with the Accutane...I have ring worm. O joy, right. Nurses and my dad are saying that it is from uncleanliness and sad to say, there is only one place that I can think of...however, I do not want to pass judgement because I do not even live there and I am the only was that has it; even though Rodney's house is a disaster...typical college males.
Rodney and I talked briefly this morning but it was semi-awkward because we were not on good terms from the previous night. He ended up falling asleep at 10:30 last night and since he was mad at me I was waiting for him to contact me...I ended up playing racquetball with Kenneth so I did not text him after practice. Basically it was a big huge miscommunication. I invited him to lunch so that him and I could forget the whole thing and start fresh. That, however, was not in his agenda. He wanted to talk it out; which is an odd concept for me...For the first hour it was a conversation that all I wanted to do was figure out a way to end it. Then the real reason came out, I mean he was upset about me calling him a dork on accident and then not text him back. He was scared that I was going to just leave him because he never has time for me and because things sometimes get hard. But I was talking to Tanya about it and Schlepp heard and the combination of what they told Rodney made him believe that I had had enough of this relationship. If there was something like that he would have heard it from me, stories get over exaggerated! He is just really stressed with baseball and school. So drama with me was probably over the top, I am supposed to be the stable happy thing in his life, not another stress bringer.
Volleyball went well. I like it when we do plyometrics. We did planks today and i never would of thought that holding a position for forty-five seconds would be so hard and physically demanding. I went to the training room after, the stem treatment near my right hip flexor area helped. I feel like I am falling apart, my whole back hurts, my shoulder, i have pulled muscles in my groin area and my shin splints ,of all things, is returning. I enjoy it though, and it does not hurt when I am playing so the remedy must be to play more volleyball :). I know that this is not the cure but I have Saturday to rest from volleyball. The volleyball button is starting to click where i do not mind being in the gym all the time. I think it is because I am on top of things both in school and volleyball so I am not getting overwhelmed. We will see after this week after my two tests in Logic and Learning.
Mood: Ho Hum
Rodney and I talked briefly this morning but it was semi-awkward because we were not on good terms from the previous night. He ended up falling asleep at 10:30 last night and since he was mad at me I was waiting for him to contact me...I ended up playing racquetball with Kenneth so I did not text him after practice. Basically it was a big huge miscommunication. I invited him to lunch so that him and I could forget the whole thing and start fresh. That, however, was not in his agenda. He wanted to talk it out; which is an odd concept for me...For the first hour it was a conversation that all I wanted to do was figure out a way to end it. Then the real reason came out, I mean he was upset about me calling him a dork on accident and then not text him back. He was scared that I was going to just leave him because he never has time for me and because things sometimes get hard. But I was talking to Tanya about it and Schlepp heard and the combination of what they told Rodney made him believe that I had had enough of this relationship. If there was something like that he would have heard it from me, stories get over exaggerated! He is just really stressed with baseball and school. So drama with me was probably over the top, I am supposed to be the stable happy thing in his life, not another stress bringer.
Volleyball went well. I like it when we do plyometrics. We did planks today and i never would of thought that holding a position for forty-five seconds would be so hard and physically demanding. I went to the training room after, the stem treatment near my right hip flexor area helped. I feel like I am falling apart, my whole back hurts, my shoulder, i have pulled muscles in my groin area and my shin splints ,of all things, is returning. I enjoy it though, and it does not hurt when I am playing so the remedy must be to play more volleyball :). I know that this is not the cure but I have Saturday to rest from volleyball. The volleyball button is starting to click where i do not mind being in the gym all the time. I think it is because I am on top of things both in school and volleyball so I am not getting overwhelmed. We will see after this week after my two tests in Logic and Learning.
Mood: Ho Hum
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