Friday, January 30, 2009

Day Three

January 30, 2009
Well my face is a little red but I do not think anymore than usual. Today when I put on my sunscreen my face burned. So for a while I was not excited about going to the baseball scrimmage. Thankfully, Wardine said that I could sit in the press box so I did not have to sit in the sun. That made it easier. The burning is more on the outer edge of my face. Lips are the same as they were before the medication which I am happy for. Woke up at six this morning to use the restroom so I have concluded that after nine or ten I am going to stop drinking water because today, along with being super sore from maxing, I am so exhausted. I have not even worked out today because I just feel dead. When I get off from here I will most likely go workout but riding the elliptical for over thirty minutes just seems like a joke to me now. O well, I will rest up this weekend so I can start off the semester in the best of shape both mentally and physically. Tonight is Byron’s official going away party. Yesterday was the “Phil is in town visiting” party. No one seems to look at me different yet. I do love the friends that I hang out with though…those baseball boys I swear; how can you not love them. I told myself that I was going to embrace people, even though, different from me. I want to get out and do things this time around instead of just seeing people in class. We will see how the hanging out part goes when school and volleyball are in full swing.
Tomorrow is date night at the Olive garden since Rodney has ball every weekend this month…o wait just kidding, they have BP at four. Stupid seeing as all the pitchers cannot do that but they have to sit and watch. Also they all threw in the scrimmage yesterday except for Merit, so no one can throw, or even long toss today. Which means him and I would not get to leave for Wichita until seven and eating by 830-900 is not okay with me because I have to be on duty at nine. It’s whatever, he wanted to go to dinner tonight and if he would have said IHOP then I probably would have given in but then I remembered I weigh in tomorrow. I get one pleasure meal and I was not in the mood for Jalisco’s and I did not want to waste it on something I was not truly craving. Pancakes or just breakfast food in general I am always craving.
Mood: Exhausted.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Day Two

January 29, 2009 Day Two
Well nothing too bad today. I feel like I used half a tube of chap stick because in my mind I am thinking if I prevent it as much as possible then it will not be that bad. So we will see how that works out. I went to tweeze my eyebrows this morning and a couple of them left red dots. It hurt a little more than usual. We maxed out and conditioned today for volleyball and then I came back and rode a mile on the elliptical. I showered and got ready for the boy’s basketball game. I put moisturizer on even though I did not wash my face. Put make up on and my face is dry but nothing unbearable at this point. My make up, I am seeing comes on the same color but then after a while my face turns red and it is almost like I am six shades darker. Who knows what that is, maybe I was just hot. I am drinking a lot of water, and woke up at six o clock this morning to use the restroom, not happy about that and I am hoping it is not something that will continue. My eyes are not dry yet. I did the whole wash my hair every other day but since I am working out it was oily the next day. We will see as time goes on. Cleaned out every crevice to my rooms, like organizing the drawers…I probably should get a life. J O well off to Byron’s goodbye party and hoping to take lots of pictures.
Mood: Accomplished

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Day One

January 28, 2009 Day One
Today was not so bad, Rodney told me to take it as it comes. That it is all I can do. Honestly, if I can still look good in pictures then I will be okay, honestly. If I can still feel pretty and sexy and not abnormal…then I will make it! I feel pretty good nothing has really happened yet. My face is a little itchy but that might just be since I have not showered since we played but I am getting ready to work out again. I just need to not be selfish and focus on things other than myself…that is how I will get through this…
Emily offered me a drink at the Stuga and I said I could not drink for seven months and she was drunk and loudly asked if I was pregnant. I said no but the people around me looked at me funny. Silly Em.


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Preview

I go into the Dermatologist, already sick out of my mind because my kidneys are swollen. He tells me, “I do not know if you know but there is apparent scarring on your face”, my face, like I did not already know. Then he tells me about Accutane but he tries to sell it to me like he is selling me something that is broken from a pawn shop. I got the feeling that this speech was only ever practiced in mirror. You know there is a problem when the doctor is not confident…joy. No eye contact and a mellow voice. Well I decided to go on it because, I mean, it is only six months of my life. Over the past six years, I have tried virtually everything. This is the only thing left. Sadly, it is the beginning of baseball season, which means it is about Rodney because I know how much baseball means to him. The Dermatologist hinted something about me not being out in the sun for more than five minutes so…

I look in the mirror and all I can do it say…here we go and try not to cry when I imagine all that could happen. I mean these pills, working from the inside out. I worry because I have dealt with depression and sometimes I get into these moods where nothing matters and I am on edge all day; even though nothing could of happened at all that day. I am generally a happy person, full of life. Except for those few days, I try not to let them get the best of me because those days always hurt others more than me.

Getting the prescription was like breaking fingers. Waiting for insurance companies and dermatologists to clear it so I did not have to pay $536 for one month of supplies. Yuck!

I know my body can handle this but it is what is inside my body, my soul, my feelings, my mindset. For heaven sake I struggle facing the mirror in everything. From having a bombshell mom and being not skinny in high school to feeling like I am fat when I am five foot nine and less than 160 pounds. People would never of guessed my insecurities…being bulimic my sophomore year of high school and having my tennis coach give me tests to see if I had an eating disorder. I always assumed if I did have an eating disorder then I would be skinnier…but no. I am better now. I have a man who cares about me more than any boyfriend I have ever had. There is just something about him, something different that makes me feel different and makes me want to never give up, that if I want something then I just need work for it…nothing is out of reach. My dad raised me in a similar mindset, which is probably why I like Rodney. He is the best relationship I have ever had because for once, it is real. I had real boyfriends but I mean my parents always had something not nice to say, which eventually there mindset would over rule mine and they would get there way. I am not regretful anymore, because they were right.

You know, I said as long as the medication did not take my life away that I would do it. But I am scared. Like my lips…being chapped and feeling dry all the time. I almost cannot think of it because then I just get freaked out. All I can do is pray, say it is going to get better, and push through. My mom says if I get too depressed or something that I can get off of it. I hope not. I have a support team of family and friends that will be there. Rodney has been through this so he will understand. I mean I know I am not alone but I mean it never really meant anything, but it is like this time in my life is different than when I lived in CO, different friends and a different boyfriend, I know I am going to be okay. I mean my two best friends from back home, well one is a sex driven alcoholic and the other one is scared to branch out of the norm and is a “sayer”. I mean I miss my family at home, mostly the kids growing up but God willing I have a lifetime to catch up, maybe when we all get along.