Sunday, April 26, 2009

An Even Better Weekend, In a Very Different Way

Well, I found out that I can fit ten people in my car. We went to the club for Serah’s bachelorette party. I also realized that I have never had so much fun hanging out with girls. I love my teammates. We are loud, crazy, and out to have a good time. Now I understand why girls go in groups to everything. I have also realized that they are always here for you. I cannot wait to strengthen the bond with all of them.

On Saturday, we as a team to go play Laser Tag. Freaking FUN! Tonight I am having a movie night with Hannah and Ansley.

I understand that not everyone has to be your friend. I thought so, but then I realized that not everyone can be your friend. There needs to be boundaries. I mean when I go to Africa, I am going to help them, but the people are also there to help me. In terms of me, I am there to enrich not only my faith but also my life and hopefully the lives of others. I can be friends with them, but there are people in my life that I am okay with not being friends with. I did not realize until after class, that it is okay to not be friends with everyone. You see, everyone has different views and if you are friends with everyone then you compromise who you are to accommodate everyone else…Not me! I am me and can be and will not be anything else.

And another thing…F…boys! They are stupid and immature! Half of them do not even care about what is in your head, they just want what is in your pants. I have enough going on in my life to not have to worry about it. Earlier today I was feeling inadequate, to be honest. I felt ugly and fat...high school all over again. I can do everything else right…except relationships with boys. But, I have the rest of my life to worry about a man…I have stuff that I want to do. I want to travel outside of the country, frequently and I will not drag anyone with me. I want to LIVE and DREAM, God has a plan and Mr. Right is somewhere…

I was too proud to even talk about this with my anyone. Hannah knows, but that is because I love her and she is my bestie! When it comes to my parents, family, or anyone back home I feel like everything always have to be perfect. I can never be embarrassed, fail, or be sad. It is like there is an invisible standard for perfection. Also I feel like I would be criticized if I was. This has lead to me thinking that I can never have a moment of weakness, like I have to keep it together all of the time. Like you are probably wondering where the previous paragraph came from, and I will not say. It is hard to feel like I can never express if I am sad, or scared. Like the about my Africa trip, or if I will meet my goals of a 4.0. Everyone just assumes that they are going to happen. Then again I like the pressure, and would not know what to do if it was not there. My mom would say that I put all this pressure on myself, and in a sense I do…I like it when people are proud of me, also when people count on you.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Monday is a blur until I went to go get gum at eleven o clock that night. When I got back, I met Brandon outside and we talked about my Logic homework, which he wants to see when we have a movie night, hopefully Wednesday night. He thought I misspelled gym when I said gum. I told him that I do not spell words that I do not know how to spell. He told me, o thought there for a second you were not perfect. According to him, he is the best thing that ever happened to me. If he would come out of his shell that could possibly be true. I do not even want to think about it because then I will over analyze and I do not want to scare him away. We walk to Warner and he says, “ I am not going to kiss you,” as he kisses me on the cheek. I said why, he turns around and smiles and says that he is playing mind games. O my goodness.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

The Best Weekend EVER!!

This weekend was one of the biggest revelations on the face of EVER. So we are done playing and after dinner have a two-hour meeting with coach…It was intense. It was a good talk but she is seven kinds of flustered with our team. She is trying to be our mom and if I need a mom, I will call her. Like she is started to cause drama..AHHH! Then Hannah and I found Serah and Courtney. We talked for a couple of hours…Kayce eventually came and joined. We got a lot out on the table, which was nice.

Then Hannah and I went to get our stuff so we could get ready for the 80’s party for Boy Courtney’s birthday party. Kristi was excited, so I wanted to go…The pictures are on facebook…we look so cute. We get there and everyone is kinda dancing in a circle. Q came out of his shell; I had no idea how funny he was because he is so quiet when I see him in class or on campus. Carlos kept trying to dance with me, but he is creeper status..yuck…So around midnight, Brandon and Clayton walk in. Brandon one of the hottest boys at our school; 6’4”, brown eyes, dark hair, absolutely gorgeous!! So I walk because they were not dancing and I was just flipping them stuff. I went to go dance some more…then Courtney says everyone has to dance. They just stand there. I walk over again and Brandon and I started dancing. OMG!! We were talking throughout it to…I asked him if he knew my name, and he said, yes, Anna Alexis. I told him his too. Then he is determined to call me Adrianna. O boy, so I am in his phone under that. So then he leans into kiss me!!!! O wow! We just keep laughing, dancing, and talking. The last song that they played of the night was “Kiss Me” by Jewel. He looks at me and says, “I should have waited to kiss you until this song, but I couldn’t.” I laugh. He said that he has liked me all semester but he is SO SO SO SHY, so he just kept quiet. I asked him how I was supposed to know. We get back to my room, but I have to walk Kristi’s keys back to her…So he walks in the rain with me and grabs my hand. We walk back until we get under the opening to the college. We laugh and talk some more. I told him thank you for coming and he said,”I did not want to over invite myself.” YEAH RIGHT! He did not want to intrude if I needed my own space. He is turning twenty-two on Tuesday, I said I was nineteen and he said that he could deal with that. He said he has not liked anyone this much since high school…I told him he was silly. He does not want to sound cheesy but all I said is as long as it is honest. We went back to my room and stayed up until five in the morning talking. I had so much fun…He tried to teach me how to whistle but that did not work so well. He asked if I would talk to him again. I said, yes. He says that I have to say hi because he is so shy. This kid is unbelievably shy, but very honest and very cute. He leaves and all I can do is think, “Why is he talking to me? I never get guys like him.” For once I am grateful for this medication. It gives me confidence and I feel better about myself. I almost want to never get off this medication, I enjoy being able to put my face on my pillow, and sweat without worrying about breaking out (as we know I sweat a lot because of working out.) Anyways, he said something like we should go to a party, like together.

I love college. I have a feeling that I am going to like him very much. Part of me still thinks that he is way out of my league. He is so shy that I do not know how to read him. I do not know if it is like a get-a-away from me vibe or what. He says that I think too much, probably true…where have I heard that before, Isaacson.

Waking up the next morning was no fun…yeah running stair was definitely not happening at all. I lounged around the whole day and waited until Saturday night to begin. There was another eighties party at the softball house. This one was not as cool, but Hannah and I had rocking outfits, with animal print, leggings and all! Brandon was there. But, he was socializing Jen so I let it be and I went and mingled. Around eleven thirty he walks up me and wonders where I have been. Of course, I am the one who has to come up and talk to him…but what if I am shy too…I know this sounds nothing like me, but he makes me shy. Like all I can do is barely say hi under my breath and smile…pitiful. But it makes me …AHHH! That night, I also bounced around from Trehy’s to Stuga the rest of the night. He ended up coming over around two and left around hmmm 6:30. I text him after he left and said that I would be talking to him after this because he thinks that I will not be, I told him that I like him and he said that he was pretty sure the feeling is mutual. I hope so!!! For once, I think I someone likes me that is actually amazing for me…I tell you one thing, it gets me out of wearing sweat pants every morning.

Sunday I was so tired. I just did homework and went to work. I went to bed a little earlier than usual.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Getting Back to LBK

This is all somewhat of a blur. School, volleyball and work. Story of my life, right. Rodney wanted to get back together, saying that he had made a mistake. I almost said okay. But, I told myself that I was not settling anymore in my life. I always seem to choose a boyfriend that needs to be saved or needs my help. That is not what I relationship is about.

Oh, I learned an interesting fact…People who do four of these five things are most likely to bring a disease breakout if they go to assist a foreign country; shower every day, wear lotion, drink unfiltered water, used three antibiotics in the last two years, eat six microwaved meals a week, and …. Well I answered yes to all but the microwaved meals one. I could potentially put other people at risk because I have a depleted immune system. So, I have changed to only showering when I need to and I only put on lotion once a day instead of two to three. It scared me…Also if I do not get sick within the first couple of days in Africa then I am spreading a disease or I am going to bring a disease back with…and could possibly infect thousands. Comforting thought, right?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Easter Weekend

Saturday April 11, 2009

I went to visit my grandma and we talked for almost two hours. I always enjoy seeing her. We write back and forth when I am in college. I am able to talk to her about anything. She just listens and understands. What I like is that she is not judgmental and she is not trying to change me. She is writing a book called, “Life is a Four Letter Word.” I cannot wait for it to come out. I am so excited to read it. She takes four-letter words and makes them into stories of her life. Like, one word is “lost.” In this story, she is talking about a women who is also at the Care Center with her who has Alzheimer’s disease. She talks about how the woman’s husband will come and visit her everyday and she does not even recognize him. She also gave me two pieces of advice that I will remember forever, first, “All sunshine makes a desert”. This means that there needs to be tears and sadness sometimes for growth. The second one applies to my Africa trip, “Sometimes you are the only Bible some people will ever read.” She still backs me up for this trip, which means a lot.

This is the night where we get to dye Easter eggs. This is a huge reason for why I went home. I really enjoyed it. Zach and Emily did not do it. Jacob did it for a while, but then it was just my dad and me. I did not mind, I love spending time with my dad. I was so happy that night.

My mom put in part of her facebook status, how she is dreading to clean up the mess from Easter eggs dying, hope it was everything you wanted Adrianna. This made me a little flustered…I commented on it and said that it was. I just do not get what is wrong between us. I do not know why she cares about the Africa thing; she is not helping in any way AT ALL to get there. She has no say, it is not her money. Her money is all going to Emily’s volleyball, which is going to make Emily a great person…yeah right! How stupid!

Easter Sunday Arrives!

Church arrives and it was in that moment when I realized is that all you need is God. He will carry you through everything. Everything happens for a reason. He has a plan, and we do not always know the plan until the very end. Everything is up in the air. The message was about getting in touch with God, and not to play church. Each person’s relationship is different with God and that is okay. My aunt Teresa came with me and Jacob. O heaven! I do not think she liked it. I go to a rock and roll service type of worship with a live band; we sing song from Skillet, but then also rock version of MercyMe. I enjoy it because I can feel it. I can get so wrapped in a song and worship my heart out while having one on one time with God. The entire feeling of the church is positive. I wish every Sunday that my parents would come open minded and experience it…but never will they come.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Good Friday

Since Easter is one of my top favorite holidays of all time, I wanted to be home for it. I did not get to go home last year because I did not have a car. Rodney is obviously not coming with me. So I convinced Hannah and Ansley to go back since they are from Colorado too. We left Thursday night at 8 pm and drove all through the night. I was glad we left at night, so then I could have another whole day in Colorado instead of half. Ansley drove home that night, but Hannah stayed the night with me.

I had to wake up and take my mom to work in the morning so that I could use her car during the day. I told her about the Africa deal, and she thinks that it is a sign that I should not go. I think otherwise. There are too many things pointing me in this direction. Also, the reason people fundraise and support me is because when I say something is going to happen, that means that no matter what it is going to happen. She does not understand this. I have to go to Africa, to much is riding on this, and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. This conversation did not start us off on the right foot, but lately when I come home it seems to be like this with her and I.

Hannah and I went swimming at the rec. Spanky and Robert were working. It always makes my day to see Robert, even though he is the most sarcastic ass I have ever met. This is probably why I like him. After we went swimming, we went back to my house to work on homework. Emily gets home from school and almost instantly, we start bickering back and forth with Hannah right there. Emily thinks that since I am home I should take her out to eat. I said, “Absolutely not!” She gets all mad. She has to be the biggest wastes of life I have ever met. My dad agrees with me. She is so selfish; all she knows how to do is take. My mom is so whooped over it, it makes me so mad. Whatever. Then Emily was talking about how mom was so excited for her to go to prom, and how my mom was never excited for me. Emily is right, my mom was never excited for me to go to prom, but honestly, I do not even care. I do in a sense. My senior year, I went to prom with Shawn. So what if my parents did not care, I was able to go with the only person, at the time, I wanted to be in a relationship with. I do not care that my parents were not excited; it was not and still is not their life to live. I sometimes wonder if my mom does “act” happy to see me. I know boys in my family do not.

Friday night, Sarah and I were supposed to go to the club. She was not feeling well so I just met up with her Sunday. Shawn and I met up at Wal-Mart. He had to get some things for his car and I needed to get some stuff too. We walked around and talked. We got to the Easter aisle…I wanted him to walk down it with me so I could find the third bunny to our already existing pair. He said no. I tried to convince him…I went down the aisle by myself. I am thankful he did not go with me. I almost cried. Shawn always made sure that Easter was amazing for me; it was almost as big as our anniversary. We got to the check out and he insisted that he buy my stuff, all ten dollars of it. We walked to the parking lot. He had to go to the King Soopers area to get a haircut. So I said that I would meet him there. I ran into Emily for a second, but she was with her friends, so I, of course, did not matter. Shawn and I talked in his car. It is hard for me mentally and emotionally to see him. I miss him so much, and when he is right in front of me, I feel like my heart skips a beat. Then part of me is sad because I feel like I threw away something. He is convinced he is the blame for everything, that he drove me away. I just wanted to be free and live a little. I was not then and am not ready to settle down yet. One thing I have learned is that there is nothing wrong with it.

We go into Starbucks and Eddie was there. We were in there for probably an hour just laughing and having a good time. Eddie is frightened to say the least about his “soon to be daddy” status. He feels like he was too young, he is only 21-22. He also said that his wife is so moody. That if he did not love her, then he would leave her. I looked at Shawn, laughing, and said, “Good thing our plan of getting married and having babies did not work out. Look at how stressed Eddie is.” Shawn just looked at me. I know that Shawn wanted to spend every minute of his life with me. I wanted that too. Now I do not know what I want. I do not even want to think about commitment, it is just when I am with him that I do. Some days I just want him to move to Kansas and then other days, I am like, “NO.” Later, we go and grab dinner. Then we park in our old high school parking lot, since he is not allowed at my house. In high school, I always said that I was going to dance with him in a parking lot. So when we were done eating, I made him go outside my door. We danced to Far Away by Nickelback. That was going to be our first dance song at the wedding. People said we were too young, yeah we were, but I know what and how I feel, and those feelings are true.

As we are driving back to my car, my mom sends me a text that says, “Did you come home to see your family or to see him?” I was so mad. I wanted to tell her that if I came home to see him then no one would know that I was home at all. Automatically, me seeing Shawn means that him and I are getting back together. I am getting my stuff done, I am a college athlete with an almost 4.0 working three jobs, going to Africa to spread the Word of God, and going to Hawaii to enrich the lives of teens…what more do my parents want, and this all is still not good enough because I talk to Shawn. Who cares my parent’s house sadly revolves around Emily, which is taking away from Zach and Jacob in the worst way. Jacob would not have to be on medication if my parents actually had time to interact with him. Now that I do not live in their house it is easier for me to blow it off. I walk downstairs and my dad thinks that Shawn and I are getting back together as well. How stupid!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Worst Best Things

Over A Book

Do you ever have those moments where nothing seems to be going right. Well I had about two days of that. I got back to LBK and told myself that I could not be with Rodney because my faith was so important to me. The next week was awkward and we were trying to work stuff out, but nothing really went anywhere. I ended up making dinner at his house on Saturday. Some how, we reconnected and starting laughing and acting as if nothing was wrong. He even said that he would let me read the book to him because he did not want to read it himself. I was so excited. All my thoughts of Miss Independent were gone. I thought maybe I was just being too stubborn and prideful, so we got back together full swing. I thought everything was fine, he was going to come home with me for Easter and be apart of my family. Well Tuesday night Rodney comes over and wants to talk. Basically, he is breaking up with me because I do not know where he is going to fit into my graduate school plans. He feels like I am leaving him behind, where have I heard this before. Then here is the main reason. He said that he got with me and said, “I hoped you would climb down the Jesus ladder.” Rodney thinks that my faith in Jesus is absurd. I will admit that I was hoping he would be curious about my faith and at least touch the Jesus ladder. He said that he does not have time for Jesus and it is not that important to him. In all honesty, after reading 23 Minutes in Hell, my faith was changed and all non believers I want to tell. So at this point, I am crying because I know where those who deny Jesus go, not because I am heartbroken. “I am the way, the truth, and the light. No one comes to the Father except through ME.” That is the only Bible verse that comes to mind. I know that relationships are supposed to be compromiseable. It just happened to be the biggest things of me…my faith and my dreams that need to be compromised. I have always said, no one will get in my way…they will only get out of my way. I know it is for the best. My mom and I had a talk over break about how nice it is to be taken out to dinner or a movie. To feel girlie…Hannah is my new suite mate so it is easier to cope. I feel like her and I are going to become great friends. I kinda like having my girlfriends and no boy. I think I am just more hurt that I am not wanted for my desires or beliefs…that is never a good feeling. Then he says…” Will you still say hi to my mom?” I said that she was going to be mad at him. He goes, “well I thought this was mutual.” Ah… no.

As terrible as it sounds, Rodney came by when I was studying for a Logic test, which made me upset because no boy is worth a bad test grade.

Before all of that, on Monday I find out that I cannot go to Africa. Lauren could not raise the proper funds so the trip is tanked. In all of this, who do I call? My dad, he tells me to find another way to make it happen. So now I am relentlessly searching.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Back to School

I sent out all of my letters. So all I can do now is pray. My week has seemed so busy and I have not even really thought about Rodney. I am enjoying hanging out with my teammates. I also feel like I have a lot more time. I went and peppered at 10:30 at night with Hannah just so she could vent. I never had time like this before because I was so concerned about Rodney and making sure I had time for him.

Fidel and I have been talking a lot. He wants me to come in and talk with his 300 level law class. I am meeting with him on Monday to get the details. We started emailing frequently when he heard that I was going to Africa. He is a little scared for me, but then again so is most everyone I talk to. It is in God’s hands, and you do not learn if you never live outside your own world.

Thursday I met with the Academic Dean and then the EBE instructor. Next week I meet with financial aid. I am trying to take nine credit hours during the summer and not have to pay for it. After talking with the Dean and EBE person, I have taken the cost of almost 3,000 dollars for summer classes down to 990. That was a rest off my shoulders. The EBE that I am doing in Hawaii will count for a total of six credits; three for psychology and three for communications. The Africa trip is going to count for my religion course, which is actually four hours. I am going to do it as a DIS; direct independent study. Here is the catch with that one; I am enrolling in the fall for it so it is covered by my scholarship. Brilliant I thought. Now I just have to rewrite the syllabus and turn it into the religion professor.

I was talking to my dad and the more I do, the more I am convinced that I want to go to graduate school. Now that I know that I can skip my Master’s makes it more manageable. So here is my goal, if I graduate with a 4.0 or get A’s until I graduate plus have a good GRE score, I am inclined to scholarships and grants and could possibly go anywhere I wanted for my degree. I am sitting nicely in all of my classes except interpersonal communication. It is always like this with Isaacson. I am not worried but I am not confident. He has not graded everything, the only thing he has are the quizzes, which I average a C and one paper, which I got a B on. I am hoping once he has graded everything my grade will boost back up to an A. I do understand that grades are not everything but now that I am looking into graduate school, they are. I do learn in my classes. I love my Logic class, it is the hardest A I have ever had to earn. However, I am learning the material and it is so interesting to me. When the information finally clicks in my brain, what an amazing feeling. I really do love Bethany College, the classes, the teachers, the people. The classes challenge me but still let me have a life, well kind of. My teachers are supporting me financially and through prayer with this trip from Africa. That still means so much to me. It means that they believe not only in what I am doing, but they believe in me. My friends are always here for me. It took me being single to realize how much I really do like hanging out with them. I used to always want to be out of the gym by six so I could see Rodney. Now I just go and do whatever, without having to really worry about anyone else but me. It is nice for a change. I cannot remember a time when I was not in a relationship. It is Anna time, and for once, I am okay with it. I am okay with being by myself.

I am surprised how much this book has grown on me. I feel like it is a new lifestyle. I am more at peace and I trust God more. I am always someone that needs proof for things and this book was proof enough for me. It scares me a little because it said, “What if your thoughts constituted as sin?” It was that very sentence that made me want to rethink my whole being. I realize now that I am so sinful, and thankfully, by the grace of God He sent his son to save us all. I always believed it but now I feel it; which is where it counts. This strains Rodney and me, even talking because all I want to do is make him see how amazing this is! He is so blind and resistant. I accepted him for his agnostic belief but this book opened my eyes and I want to save him. One thing the book says is that we can only tell them ,our job is not to convince them. I am going to read him the book and if he gets nothing out of it then I want to leave because I will feel like I have done everything, but then apart of me feels like I have failed miserably. I feel like I have the biggest greatest news in the world and he thinks it is stupid. I do not want to be with someone like that…But then what if I had gone about it the wrong way, what if I pushed him away from it. I have been called weird because I am so into Jesus, what if I scared him away?