The Preview

I go into the Dermatologist, already sick out of my mind because my kidneys are swollen. He tells me, “I do not know if you know but there is apparent scarring on your face”, my face, like I did not already know. Then he tells me about Accutane but he tries to sell it to me like he is selling me something that is broken from a pawn shop. I got the feeling that this speech was only ever practiced in mirror. You know there is a problem when the doctor is not confident…joy. No eye contact and a mellow voice. Well I decided to go on it because, I mean, it is only six months of my life. Over the past six years, I have tried virtually everything. This is the only thing left. Sadly, it is the beginning of baseball season, which means it is about Rodney because I know how much baseball means to him. The Dermatologist hinted something about me not being out in the sun for more than five minutes so…

I look in the mirror and all I can do it say…here we go and try not to cry when I imagine all that could happen. I mean these pills, working from the inside out. I worry because I have dealt with depression and sometimes I get into these moods where nothing matters and I am on edge all day; even though nothing could of happened at all that day. I am generally a happy person, full of life. Except for those few days, I try not to let them get the best of me because those days always hurt others more than me.

Getting the prescription was like breaking fingers. Waiting for insurance companies and dermatologists to clear it so I did not have to pay $536 for one month of supplies. Yuck!

I know my body can handle this but it is what is inside my body, my soul, my feelings, my mindset. For heaven sake I struggle facing the mirror in everything. From having a bombshell mom and being not skinny in high school to feeling like I am fat when I am five foot nine and less than 160 pounds. People would never of guessed my insecurities…being bulimic my sophomore year of high school and having my tennis coach give me tests to see if I had an eating disorder. I always assumed if I did have an eating disorder then I would be skinnier…but no. I am better now. I have a man who cares about me more than any boyfriend I have ever had. There is just something about him, something different that makes me feel different and makes me want to never give up, that if I want something then I just need work for it…nothing is out of reach. My dad raised me in a similar mindset, which is probably why I like Rodney. He is the best relationship I have ever had because for once, it is real. I had real boyfriends but I mean my parents always had something not nice to say, which eventually there mindset would over rule mine and they would get there way. I am not regretful anymore, because they were right.

You know, I said as long as the medication did not take my life away that I would do it. But I am scared. Like my lips…being chapped and feeling dry all the time. I almost cannot think of it because then I just get freaked out. All I can do is pray, say it is going to get better, and push through. My mom says if I get too depressed or something that I can get off of it. I hope not. I have a support team of family and friends that will be there. Rodney has been through this so he will understand. I mean I know I am not alone but I mean it never really meant anything, but it is like this time in my life is different than when I lived in CO, different friends and a different boyfriend, I know I am going to be okay. I mean my two best friends from back home, well one is a sex driven alcoholic and the other one is scared to branch out of the norm and is a “sayer”. I mean I miss my family at home, mostly the kids growing up but God willing I have a lifetime to catch up, maybe when we all get along.