So it is Done

So I just ended my second year of college...boxes fill my room and one by one people leave, some for a semester and some to never return. It still has not even hit me yet. I am half way done. In less than a week I will be leaving for Africa...to have my whole world changed. The friends i have met while here, will remain in my thoughts during the summer. Especially the new friends I have acquired. I now know what it is like to be super girly, I learned that from Hannah; whether it is singing out loud with an air microphone or dancing like a little girl when we both get excited. Learning that you do not need a man to have fun...and for the first time, I am okay being by myself. I do not need someone to complete me right now. I just want to focus on doing me.

I never thought I would find a friendship that is so deep in such a short period of time. Q and I can laugh and talk about anything. He hangs out with Hannah and I a lot and says that this is the most fun he has ever had a Bethany...he probably thinks I am crazy, but in a good way. From my dinner shake, to my competitive nature, to how I make him laugh, to swimming in the school fountain at midnight last night just because I could.

To be continued...after packing and more reflection

Gabe

So I met an amazing boy once again. This time I was utterly fascinated with him. He has traveled Europe, he is a painter, and his heart is on fire for life. He is a professional wrestler and he is blown away by me or so he says. I have never met anyone that has that much passion for life. I feel like him and I relate alot. We are both go-getters and strive to leave our dream. I met him back in October at a party and will admit that I thought about him since then. Then one rainy day we met again in the library. I was stunned and Hannah said that both of our faces just lit up. He admitted that he had gone to the Black Football House a couple times to see if I was there, but I was not. He wrote his number down and gave it me and walked away. I dare say that I am genuinely impressed. Throughout the course of the week we hang out and talk. We go to dinner one night, to a play the next, and then he takes me on a private showing of his senior art gallery. We swing in the park one evening until half past eleven, then on Sunday go to church. I find my feeling like I could listen to him talk all day. He got a job in North Carolina as a painter and he leaves after graduation. I went to his art exhibition to listen to him talk about it. I was blown away, to get to see the emotions and feelings that went into his work. During my private showing, I came across a painting that literally made me freeze. I fell in love with this painting. My parents and friends know this all to well about me; once I see something I want, I have to have it. This painting is 5'x5' and is gorgeous. People will see it and think that someone just threw paint on a canvas, but "all great art work looks as if it was created in an instant."

After that show, him and I knew that there was nothing we can do about anything. We will remain friends. I can say that I, in a way, look up to him because I feel as if him and I are so similar when it comes to goals, hopes, and dreams. He is an inspiration to me because it makes me feel as if I am not alone in my goal racing quest. This is the reason why I bought the painting, to remind me that there are people who race for there dreams and know no limitations.

Self Assessment

I believe that one of my biggest strengths, as a writer, is my willingness to be completely open when I write about a topic. I have no problem expressing through words what I think, feel, or even talk about things that I have done. I believe that this gives me an edge because it lets my reader know that I am honest in what I say. I believe this is also a strength because some people may feel alone if they have gone through a certain experience. I love to write about the rough and good times of my life so that I can indirectly show someone that there is a light always at the end of every dark tunnel. To be able to say, “I have been there and it is going to be okay.” Personally, I would much rather suffer through something so that someone else did not.
My strengths as a thinker, I feel, are my open mindedness and ability to take criticism. I generally am up for anything. I seem to be attracted to helping others despite their situation, and very soon, despite their position on the globe. I am free-spirited and believe that if you dig deep enough there is good inside every person. When it comes to criticism, Jordan became my number one pick when we needed someone to edit an essay. This is not only because he caught my sentence structure mistakes, but he is also honest. For example, in essay number four, I had written a sentence along the lines of, “Did you see the white people in the photograph, definitely not the Virgin Mary.” He wrote in the margins, “Anna, I thought you were trying to show people not to be judgmental.” I quickly made the change and realized that sometimes I need someone to tell it like it is.
I feel as if I still need to improve on grammar and sentence transition. Sometimes I can get so wrapped up into writing something that I completely forget everything else and I just let my hands slide across the key board. When this happens, editing is necessary. I also have a habit of over using commas and as I grow as a writer I hope to eliminate this minuscule mistakes.
I feel as if I need to improve on mindsets that I get. Let me explain, I can be so open to experiences and people, but sometimes I feel as if I can be judgmental as well. When I am caught up in a heated discussion or something that has significance to me, I forget what I am saying and I jut let it flow. This is where I get myself in the most trouble. I do not believe in the word “sorry,” so people know that once it leaves my mouth it should be what I meant to say. I feel as if sometimes my ability to let words and thoughts flow can get me into trouble when arguing. It is my competitive mindset that gets me into trouble with the people closest to me. I know that this trip to Africa will be a revelation and will change the way I see and think about the world.
My favorite essay that I have written in this class was the second one. The one that discussed whether or not grades should be implemented in schools. I was so worked up because I feel like I would not work as hard if the goal were to only pass. I look back on it and it seems to show a personal flaw with in myself. I strive so hard sometimes to want to be the best that I forget about the actual learning. I feel like as I have gone through college I have become better at this. Isaacson said to me my freshman year that grades are not everything. It took me until the end of my sophomore year to realize that. The opportunities to have social interactions are usually set aside because of homework and studying; knowing that if I was not at practice or in class, I was doing my homework. I would stop doing my homework when I went to be that night around midnight. This is how it was day in and day out since I started college. I still want to achieve my goal of having ending every semester with a 4.0, but I also want to live a little. I think about it, and I have no idea why I want to 4.0, I just do. When I vocalize my goals it means that it must happen. I believe this is why people depend on me, when I say that this is going to happen, then I will do whatever is necessary to make it happen. The past few weeks, I have let myself go more because I wanted to experience college not just be an observer.

An Even Better Weekend, In a Very Different Way

Well, I found out that I can fit ten people in my car. We went to the club for Serah’s bachelorette party. I also realized that I have never had so much fun hanging out with girls. I love my teammates. We are loud, crazy, and out to have a good time. Now I understand why girls go in groups to everything. I have also realized that they are always here for you. I cannot wait to strengthen the bond with all of them.

On Saturday, we as a team to go play Laser Tag. Freaking FUN! Tonight I am having a movie night with Hannah and Ansley.

I understand that not everyone has to be your friend. I thought so, but then I realized that not everyone can be your friend. There needs to be boundaries. I mean when I go to Africa, I am going to help them, but the people are also there to help me. In terms of me, I am there to enrich not only my faith but also my life and hopefully the lives of others. I can be friends with them, but there are people in my life that I am okay with not being friends with. I did not realize until after class, that it is okay to not be friends with everyone. You see, everyone has different views and if you are friends with everyone then you compromise who you are to accommodate everyone else…Not me! I am me and can be and will not be anything else.

And another thing…F…boys! They are stupid and immature! Half of them do not even care about what is in your head, they just want what is in your pants. I have enough going on in my life to not have to worry about it. Earlier today I was feeling inadequate, to be honest. I felt ugly and fat...high school all over again. I can do everything else right…except relationships with boys. But, I have the rest of my life to worry about a man…I have stuff that I want to do. I want to travel outside of the country, frequently and I will not drag anyone with me. I want to LIVE and DREAM, God has a plan and Mr. Right is somewhere…

I was too proud to even talk about this with my anyone. Hannah knows, but that is because I love her and she is my bestie! When it comes to my parents, family, or anyone back home I feel like everything always have to be perfect. I can never be embarrassed, fail, or be sad. It is like there is an invisible standard for perfection. Also I feel like I would be criticized if I was. This has lead to me thinking that I can never have a moment of weakness, like I have to keep it together all of the time. Like you are probably wondering where the previous paragraph came from, and I will not say. It is hard to feel like I can never express if I am sad, or scared. Like the about my Africa trip, or if I will meet my goals of a 4.0. Everyone just assumes that they are going to happen. Then again I like the pressure, and would not know what to do if it was not there. My mom would say that I put all this pressure on myself, and in a sense I do…I like it when people are proud of me, also when people count on you.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

Monday is a blur until I went to go get gum at eleven o clock that night. When I got back, I met Brandon outside and we talked about my Logic homework, which he wants to see when we have a movie night, hopefully Wednesday night. He thought I misspelled gym when I said gum. I told him that I do not spell words that I do not know how to spell. He told me, o thought there for a second you were not perfect. According to him, he is the best thing that ever happened to me. If he would come out of his shell that could possibly be true. I do not even want to think about it because then I will over analyze and I do not want to scare him away. We walk to Warner and he says, “ I am not going to kiss you,” as he kisses me on the cheek. I said why, he turns around and smiles and says that he is playing mind games. O my goodness.

The Best Weekend EVER!!

This weekend was one of the biggest revelations on the face of EVER. So we are done playing and after dinner have a two-hour meeting with coach…It was intense. It was a good talk but she is seven kinds of flustered with our team. She is trying to be our mom and if I need a mom, I will call her. Like she is started to cause drama..AHHH! Then Hannah and I found Serah and Courtney. We talked for a couple of hours…Kayce eventually came and joined. We got a lot out on the table, which was nice.

Then Hannah and I went to get our stuff so we could get ready for the 80’s party for Boy Courtney’s birthday party. Kristi was excited, so I wanted to go…The pictures are on facebook…we look so cute. We get there and everyone is kinda dancing in a circle. Q came out of his shell; I had no idea how funny he was because he is so quiet when I see him in class or on campus. Carlos kept trying to dance with me, but he is creeper status..yuck…So around midnight, Brandon and Clayton walk in. Brandon one of the hottest boys at our school; 6’4”, brown eyes, dark hair, absolutely gorgeous!! So I walk because they were not dancing and I was just flipping them stuff. I went to go dance some more…then Courtney says everyone has to dance. They just stand there. I walk over again and Brandon and I started dancing. OMG!! We were talking throughout it to…I asked him if he knew my name, and he said, yes, Anna Alexis. I told him his too. Then he is determined to call me Adrianna. O boy, so I am in his phone under that. So then he leans into kiss me!!!! O wow! We just keep laughing, dancing, and talking. The last song that they played of the night was “Kiss Me” by Jewel. He looks at me and says, “I should have waited to kiss you until this song, but I couldn’t.” I laugh. He said that he has liked me all semester but he is SO SO SO SHY, so he just kept quiet. I asked him how I was supposed to know. We get back to my room, but I have to walk Kristi’s keys back to her…So he walks in the rain with me and grabs my hand. We walk back until we get under the opening to the college. We laugh and talk some more. I told him thank you for coming and he said,”I did not want to over invite myself.” YEAH RIGHT! He did not want to intrude if I needed my own space. He is turning twenty-two on Tuesday, I said I was nineteen and he said that he could deal with that. He said he has not liked anyone this much since high school…I told him he was silly. He does not want to sound cheesy but all I said is as long as it is honest. We went back to my room and stayed up until five in the morning talking. I had so much fun…He tried to teach me how to whistle but that did not work so well. He asked if I would talk to him again. I said, yes. He says that I have to say hi because he is so shy. This kid is unbelievably shy, but very honest and very cute. He leaves and all I can do is think, “Why is he talking to me? I never get guys like him.” For once I am grateful for this medication. It gives me confidence and I feel better about myself. I almost want to never get off this medication, I enjoy being able to put my face on my pillow, and sweat without worrying about breaking out (as we know I sweat a lot because of working out.) Anyways, he said something like we should go to a party, like together.

I love college. I have a feeling that I am going to like him very much. Part of me still thinks that he is way out of my league. He is so shy that I do not know how to read him. I do not know if it is like a get-a-away from me vibe or what. He says that I think too much, probably true…where have I heard that before, Isaacson.

Waking up the next morning was no fun…yeah running stair was definitely not happening at all. I lounged around the whole day and waited until Saturday night to begin. There was another eighties party at the softball house. This one was not as cool, but Hannah and I had rocking outfits, with animal print, leggings and all! Brandon was there. But, he was socializing Jen so I let it be and I went and mingled. Around eleven thirty he walks up me and wonders where I have been. Of course, I am the one who has to come up and talk to him…but what if I am shy too…I know this sounds nothing like me, but he makes me shy. Like all I can do is barely say hi under my breath and smile…pitiful. But it makes me …AHHH! That night, I also bounced around from Trehy’s to Stuga the rest of the night. He ended up coming over around two and left around hmmm 6:30. I text him after he left and said that I would be talking to him after this because he thinks that I will not be, I told him that I like him and he said that he was pretty sure the feeling is mutual. I hope so!!! For once, I think I someone likes me that is actually amazing for me…I tell you one thing, it gets me out of wearing sweat pants every morning.

Sunday I was so tired. I just did homework and went to work. I went to bed a little earlier than usual.

Getting Back to LBK

This is all somewhat of a blur. School, volleyball and work. Story of my life, right. Rodney wanted to get back together, saying that he had made a mistake. I almost said okay. But, I told myself that I was not settling anymore in my life. I always seem to choose a boyfriend that needs to be saved or needs my help. That is not what I relationship is about.

Oh, I learned an interesting fact…People who do four of these five things are most likely to bring a disease breakout if they go to assist a foreign country; shower every day, wear lotion, drink unfiltered water, used three antibiotics in the last two years, eat six microwaved meals a week, and …. Well I answered yes to all but the microwaved meals one. I could potentially put other people at risk because I have a depleted immune system. So, I have changed to only showering when I need to and I only put on lotion once a day instead of two to three. It scared me…Also if I do not get sick within the first couple of days in Africa then I am spreading a disease or I am going to bring a disease back with…and could possibly infect thousands. Comforting thought, right?

Easter Weekend

Saturday April 11, 2009

I went to visit my grandma and we talked for almost two hours. I always enjoy seeing her. We write back and forth when I am in college. I am able to talk to her about anything. She just listens and understands. What I like is that she is not judgmental and she is not trying to change me. She is writing a book called, “Life is a Four Letter Word.” I cannot wait for it to come out. I am so excited to read it. She takes four-letter words and makes them into stories of her life. Like, one word is “lost.” In this story, she is talking about a women who is also at the Care Center with her who has Alzheimer’s disease. She talks about how the woman’s husband will come and visit her everyday and she does not even recognize him. She also gave me two pieces of advice that I will remember forever, first, “All sunshine makes a desert”. This means that there needs to be tears and sadness sometimes for growth. The second one applies to my Africa trip, “Sometimes you are the only Bible some people will ever read.” She still backs me up for this trip, which means a lot.

This is the night where we get to dye Easter eggs. This is a huge reason for why I went home. I really enjoyed it. Zach and Emily did not do it. Jacob did it for a while, but then it was just my dad and me. I did not mind, I love spending time with my dad. I was so happy that night.

My mom put in part of her facebook status, how she is dreading to clean up the mess from Easter eggs dying, hope it was everything you wanted Adrianna. This made me a little flustered…I commented on it and said that it was. I just do not get what is wrong between us. I do not know why she cares about the Africa thing; she is not helping in any way AT ALL to get there. She has no say, it is not her money. Her money is all going to Emily’s volleyball, which is going to make Emily a great person…yeah right! How stupid!

Easter Sunday Arrives!

Church arrives and it was in that moment when I realized is that all you need is God. He will carry you through everything. Everything happens for a reason. He has a plan, and we do not always know the plan until the very end. Everything is up in the air. The message was about getting in touch with God, and not to play church. Each person’s relationship is different with God and that is okay. My aunt Teresa came with me and Jacob. O heaven! I do not think she liked it. I go to a rock and roll service type of worship with a live band; we sing song from Skillet, but then also rock version of MercyMe. I enjoy it because I can feel it. I can get so wrapped in a song and worship my heart out while having one on one time with God. The entire feeling of the church is positive. I wish every Sunday that my parents would come open minded and experience it…but never will they come.

Good Friday

Since Easter is one of my top favorite holidays of all time, I wanted to be home for it. I did not get to go home last year because I did not have a car. Rodney is obviously not coming with me. So I convinced Hannah and Ansley to go back since they are from Colorado too. We left Thursday night at 8 pm and drove all through the night. I was glad we left at night, so then I could have another whole day in Colorado instead of half. Ansley drove home that night, but Hannah stayed the night with me.

I had to wake up and take my mom to work in the morning so that I could use her car during the day. I told her about the Africa deal, and she thinks that it is a sign that I should not go. I think otherwise. There are too many things pointing me in this direction. Also, the reason people fundraise and support me is because when I say something is going to happen, that means that no matter what it is going to happen. She does not understand this. I have to go to Africa, to much is riding on this, and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. This conversation did not start us off on the right foot, but lately when I come home it seems to be like this with her and I.

Hannah and I went swimming at the rec. Spanky and Robert were working. It always makes my day to see Robert, even though he is the most sarcastic ass I have ever met. This is probably why I like him. After we went swimming, we went back to my house to work on homework. Emily gets home from school and almost instantly, we start bickering back and forth with Hannah right there. Emily thinks that since I am home I should take her out to eat. I said, “Absolutely not!” She gets all mad. She has to be the biggest wastes of life I have ever met. My dad agrees with me. She is so selfish; all she knows how to do is take. My mom is so whooped over it, it makes me so mad. Whatever. Then Emily was talking about how mom was so excited for her to go to prom, and how my mom was never excited for me. Emily is right, my mom was never excited for me to go to prom, but honestly, I do not even care. I do in a sense. My senior year, I went to prom with Shawn. So what if my parents did not care, I was able to go with the only person, at the time, I wanted to be in a relationship with. I do not care that my parents were not excited; it was not and still is not their life to live. I sometimes wonder if my mom does “act” happy to see me. I know boys in my family do not.

Friday night, Sarah and I were supposed to go to the club. She was not feeling well so I just met up with her Sunday. Shawn and I met up at Wal-Mart. He had to get some things for his car and I needed to get some stuff too. We walked around and talked. We got to the Easter aisle…I wanted him to walk down it with me so I could find the third bunny to our already existing pair. He said no. I tried to convince him…I went down the aisle by myself. I am thankful he did not go with me. I almost cried. Shawn always made sure that Easter was amazing for me; it was almost as big as our anniversary. We got to the check out and he insisted that he buy my stuff, all ten dollars of it. We walked to the parking lot. He had to go to the King Soopers area to get a haircut. So I said that I would meet him there. I ran into Emily for a second, but she was with her friends, so I, of course, did not matter. Shawn and I talked in his car. It is hard for me mentally and emotionally to see him. I miss him so much, and when he is right in front of me, I feel like my heart skips a beat. Then part of me is sad because I feel like I threw away something. He is convinced he is the blame for everything, that he drove me away. I just wanted to be free and live a little. I was not then and am not ready to settle down yet. One thing I have learned is that there is nothing wrong with it.

We go into Starbucks and Eddie was there. We were in there for probably an hour just laughing and having a good time. Eddie is frightened to say the least about his “soon to be daddy” status. He feels like he was too young, he is only 21-22. He also said that his wife is so moody. That if he did not love her, then he would leave her. I looked at Shawn, laughing, and said, “Good thing our plan of getting married and having babies did not work out. Look at how stressed Eddie is.” Shawn just looked at me. I know that Shawn wanted to spend every minute of his life with me. I wanted that too. Now I do not know what I want. I do not even want to think about commitment, it is just when I am with him that I do. Some days I just want him to move to Kansas and then other days, I am like, “NO.” Later, we go and grab dinner. Then we park in our old high school parking lot, since he is not allowed at my house. In high school, I always said that I was going to dance with him in a parking lot. So when we were done eating, I made him go outside my door. We danced to Far Away by Nickelback. That was going to be our first dance song at the wedding. People said we were too young, yeah we were, but I know what and how I feel, and those feelings are true.

As we are driving back to my car, my mom sends me a text that says, “Did you come home to see your family or to see him?” I was so mad. I wanted to tell her that if I came home to see him then no one would know that I was home at all. Automatically, me seeing Shawn means that him and I are getting back together. I am getting my stuff done, I am a college athlete with an almost 4.0 working three jobs, going to Africa to spread the Word of God, and going to Hawaii to enrich the lives of teens…what more do my parents want, and this all is still not good enough because I talk to Shawn. Who cares my parent’s house sadly revolves around Emily, which is taking away from Zach and Jacob in the worst way. Jacob would not have to be on medication if my parents actually had time to interact with him. Now that I do not live in their house it is easier for me to blow it off. I walk downstairs and my dad thinks that Shawn and I are getting back together as well. How stupid!

The Worst Best Things

Over A Book

Do you ever have those moments where nothing seems to be going right. Well I had about two days of that. I got back to LBK and told myself that I could not be with Rodney because my faith was so important to me. The next week was awkward and we were trying to work stuff out, but nothing really went anywhere. I ended up making dinner at his house on Saturday. Some how, we reconnected and starting laughing and acting as if nothing was wrong. He even said that he would let me read the book to him because he did not want to read it himself. I was so excited. All my thoughts of Miss Independent were gone. I thought maybe I was just being too stubborn and prideful, so we got back together full swing. I thought everything was fine, he was going to come home with me for Easter and be apart of my family. Well Tuesday night Rodney comes over and wants to talk. Basically, he is breaking up with me because I do not know where he is going to fit into my graduate school plans. He feels like I am leaving him behind, where have I heard this before. Then here is the main reason. He said that he got with me and said, “I hoped you would climb down the Jesus ladder.” Rodney thinks that my faith in Jesus is absurd. I will admit that I was hoping he would be curious about my faith and at least touch the Jesus ladder. He said that he does not have time for Jesus and it is not that important to him. In all honesty, after reading 23 Minutes in Hell, my faith was changed and all non believers I want to tell. So at this point, I am crying because I know where those who deny Jesus go, not because I am heartbroken. “I am the way, the truth, and the light. No one comes to the Father except through ME.” That is the only Bible verse that comes to mind. I know that relationships are supposed to be compromiseable. It just happened to be the biggest things of me…my faith and my dreams that need to be compromised. I have always said, no one will get in my way…they will only get out of my way. I know it is for the best. My mom and I had a talk over break about how nice it is to be taken out to dinner or a movie. To feel girlie…Hannah is my new suite mate so it is easier to cope. I feel like her and I are going to become great friends. I kinda like having my girlfriends and no boy. I think I am just more hurt that I am not wanted for my desires or beliefs…that is never a good feeling. Then he says…” Will you still say hi to my mom?” I said that she was going to be mad at him. He goes, “well I thought this was mutual.” Ah… no.

As terrible as it sounds, Rodney came by when I was studying for a Logic test, which made me upset because no boy is worth a bad test grade.

Before all of that, on Monday I find out that I cannot go to Africa. Lauren could not raise the proper funds so the trip is tanked. In all of this, who do I call? My dad, he tells me to find another way to make it happen. So now I am relentlessly searching.

Back to School

I sent out all of my letters. So all I can do now is pray. My week has seemed so busy and I have not even really thought about Rodney. I am enjoying hanging out with my teammates. I also feel like I have a lot more time. I went and peppered at 10:30 at night with Hannah just so she could vent. I never had time like this before because I was so concerned about Rodney and making sure I had time for him.

Fidel and I have been talking a lot. He wants me to come in and talk with his 300 level law class. I am meeting with him on Monday to get the details. We started emailing frequently when he heard that I was going to Africa. He is a little scared for me, but then again so is most everyone I talk to. It is in God’s hands, and you do not learn if you never live outside your own world.

Thursday I met with the Academic Dean and then the EBE instructor. Next week I meet with financial aid. I am trying to take nine credit hours during the summer and not have to pay for it. After talking with the Dean and EBE person, I have taken the cost of almost 3,000 dollars for summer classes down to 990. That was a rest off my shoulders. The EBE that I am doing in Hawaii will count for a total of six credits; three for psychology and three for communications. The Africa trip is going to count for my religion course, which is actually four hours. I am going to do it as a DIS; direct independent study. Here is the catch with that one; I am enrolling in the fall for it so it is covered by my scholarship. Brilliant I thought. Now I just have to rewrite the syllabus and turn it into the religion professor.

I was talking to my dad and the more I do, the more I am convinced that I want to go to graduate school. Now that I know that I can skip my Master’s makes it more manageable. So here is my goal, if I graduate with a 4.0 or get A’s until I graduate plus have a good GRE score, I am inclined to scholarships and grants and could possibly go anywhere I wanted for my degree. I am sitting nicely in all of my classes except interpersonal communication. It is always like this with Isaacson. I am not worried but I am not confident. He has not graded everything, the only thing he has are the quizzes, which I average a C and one paper, which I got a B on. I am hoping once he has graded everything my grade will boost back up to an A. I do understand that grades are not everything but now that I am looking into graduate school, they are. I do learn in my classes. I love my Logic class, it is the hardest A I have ever had to earn. However, I am learning the material and it is so interesting to me. When the information finally clicks in my brain, what an amazing feeling. I really do love Bethany College, the classes, the teachers, the people. The classes challenge me but still let me have a life, well kind of. My teachers are supporting me financially and through prayer with this trip from Africa. That still means so much to me. It means that they believe not only in what I am doing, but they believe in me. My friends are always here for me. It took me being single to realize how much I really do like hanging out with them. I used to always want to be out of the gym by six so I could see Rodney. Now I just go and do whatever, without having to really worry about anyone else but me. It is nice for a change. I cannot remember a time when I was not in a relationship. It is Anna time, and for once, I am okay with it. I am okay with being by myself.

I am surprised how much this book has grown on me. I feel like it is a new lifestyle. I am more at peace and I trust God more. I am always someone that needs proof for things and this book was proof enough for me. It scares me a little because it said, “What if your thoughts constituted as sin?” It was that very sentence that made me want to rethink my whole being. I realize now that I am so sinful, and thankfully, by the grace of God He sent his son to save us all. I always believed it but now I feel it; which is where it counts. This strains Rodney and me, even talking because all I want to do is make him see how amazing this is! He is so blind and resistant. I accepted him for his agnostic belief but this book opened my eyes and I want to save him. One thing the book says is that we can only tell them ,our job is not to convince them. I am going to read him the book and if he gets nothing out of it then I want to leave because I will feel like I have done everything, but then apart of me feels like I have failed miserably. I feel like I have the biggest greatest news in the world and he thinks it is stupid. I do not want to be with someone like that…But then what if I had gone about it the wrong way, what if I pushed him away from it. I have been called weird because I am so into Jesus, what if I scared him away?

Spring Break

The week of Spring Break seemed to fly by. I found myself saying, “O it’s only Tuesday”…then it was Friday. I was supposed to leave on Saturday but then when it was to be Friday, I was not ready to leave. It snowed on Thursday so my plans in essence were held back a day. Friday, my mom and I started talking about who even knows what; probably about Rodney, career goals, and Shawn. Even though Shawn and I are not together I still get flustered over the topic. That was five years of my life. Shawn and I have talked on and off for the past couple of months, but it is nothing consistent because we are both trying to move on. I left my house on the verge of tears because I was over talking about it. Sometimes I feel like it is not even my life that I am living. There are so many expectations on top of the expectations I hold for myself. Now I remember how the conversation started…Hawaii and Africa. I am finding that my summers are very expensive, but I will not trade them. The experience will last me a lifetime and broaden my horizons. Do they cost money? Yes, there is no such thing as free. I sense that I will not be getting any financial assistance from my mom; this is because everything goes to volleyball. What I do not understand is; volleyball will pay for Emily’s school but is she growing as a person? No. She is still the same self centered, spoiled, vocally passive self. I have a chance to change lives, I have a chance to live my dreams instead of just think them up. O well, I will get there one way or another. The support I feel from my teachers is overwhelmingly positive. O and then my mom had the audacity to tell me that I should not take my dad for his birthday surprise. I said, no way! I have two and a half years where I do not have bills and payments. I would rather work for something that will last me a lifetime. Honestly, I am still taking him. I cannot wait until next year; no one knows what next year will bring. I want to do this experience and I cannot imagine doing it with anyone else. My dad is my best friend and means everything to me…now all I have to do is pray he is not scared of heights! I am a little but this is safe and I hear it is absolutely an amazing experience. Therefore, we are going, my mind is set which means he is the only one who could convince me otherwise but even that would not change my mind.
O so, where I went when I left…I went to Wal-Mart. Shawn was there. We talked. Even though we are not together venting to him eases my frustrations. I mean he was there when my big life changes were happening so he knows the pressure I have to succeed. He also knows that my mom and I seem to bump heads most of the time. He actually stepped out of my life so I did not have to choose between marrying him and keeping the relationship with my parents. My parents think he is full of crap and a waste of life. Who are they to judge? I can genuinely say I love Shawn and no one can change that. Anyways we talked, I got to get everything out about school, home, Rodney, my life, my confusions. Then he pummeled me in the snow; which was so cold but it made me smile. I can never catch him when he runs though, damn Mexican lightning. We warmed up in his car and talked about the what if’s and could have been’s of our relationship. That is all they will ever be and we both know that. Shawn will always have a special place in my heart despite other’s opinion of him. When I was at King Soopers I ran into Eddie, a very good friend of Shawn’s. He thought our break up was catastrophic, but o well Eddie’s wife is expecting! Wow. I always have to take a step back to think that that could have been me. I do not look back with regret; I simply just acknowledge it. I know God is leading me.
Then I went and met Sarah at Starbucks where we talked and gossiped. Finally I told her, lets go to the club. Let us go do something instead of just mope around. So, we went and got ready in twenty minutes and left. We went to a club called The Church and ran in to Devon and Jared, the first people we met at the club during winter break. It was nice to see them again but I was out to have a good time so Sarah and I started dancing. This guy comes up behind me and asks what my name is and my favorite song. (My favorite song is not a club song so I threw out the only one I could think of, “Heartless”) He walks up to the DJ and the next song they play is that song. The guy comes back and asks to dance…Of course! He asked if I was thirsty, I said kinda, he left again. He comes back with bottled water from the bar, with the seal still on it. Wow, I am impressed. We go off and talk, he is from France, works in Intelligence for the Army, and speaks six languages; French, English, Portuguese, Arabic, German, Italian. Wow. Now here is someone who makes me feel like I do not do anything.
The next morning I spend with my family, just the way I wanted. Jacob and I made chocolate chip and walnut pancakes, delisciousness! I packed, and just hung around my dad. Him and I ended the evening watching West Side Story, one of his favorites. I had never seen it and vowed I would not watch it until I was with him. Before that, my dad and I went to King Soopers to get fruit and ended up getting ice cream too. We jammed out to songs in the car. I am consciously aware that someday I will not get to do this, someday he or I will not be here, so I want to soak it in. I think that this is something that my mom does not understand, I am not home, and each year my time gets shorter and shorter. I do not want to waste time because once the hourglass is empty; you cannot turn it back over. I wonder how people would live their life if they were conscious of that concept.

The drive back was not so bad. I actually got to sleep. So I got to start the book, 23 Minutes in Hell. I recommend it highly! One of the most influential books I have ever read. It was the major turning point in thinking that Rodney and I should not be together. I want to find someone whose heart is on fire for God and racing toward it. When Rodney and were together I felt sometimes he was a half a step behind me, now I do not even know where he is, I just know it is not next to me and definitely not in front of me.

March 23

I went to work out today. I always stop by the guard office to see everyone. Robert and I had our little bickering like always. He gave me some helpful workout tips. So the visit was not totally pointless. I miss working there, but then again I do not. Adam and Robert have to work there to pay bills. That could have been me, but I chose a different path. There is nothing wrong with that, it all matters what you want.

So I found out today that I have until the 15th of April to raise 2,700 dollars. (I am aware that there is a $ symbol, but it does not make sense because no one says dollar five which is implied by $5.) All I can do is get my proposal letter out and pray. I do not believe that God has put this opportunity before me to have me not go.

One thing that I am proud of is that I stayed home in January to save up for Hawaii. That is 800 dollars that I already have saved up. I know that if I had not done that then I would have had to choose Hawaii or Africa. I think that I will be there from the 11th of July to the 30th. It will be a nice break for me. Camp runs the 16th-25th. My fellow counselors told me last year I should of stayed longer so I could celebrate my birthday on the beach…Well I am going to this year.

I saw Joe today. I am always hesitant about seeing him, but then we get into conversations about religion and the purpose of Stonehenge. It makes me so happy to have an intellectual conversation. I realize that I miss that too. I always miss the people I feel like I leave behind. I do this a lot though. I get so focused about my opportunities and I go for them. I become so narrow minded; I do not allow anything to get in my way. Some people call this selfish but in my opinion, I justify it by saying that I am going to embrace every experience God puts before me.

I do not even remember what happened Saturday

Sunday March 22, 2009

I got exactly what I needed this morning. I was so high strung in a bad way and going to my church and being in that environment always makes everything become okay, even when it is not. It is an hour and a half of my life where I do not have to focus on anything except praising the Lord and talking to him. I am able to release everything and focus. I have not found anything else that gives me that feeling. I think that eventually I will end up in Colorado and a huge reason besides the people in my life is the “high” that I get off of worshipping God, especially in this setting. I mean I can still feel alive in my faith away from Northern Hills since I am out of the state most of the year. There is a song called, “Better than Drugs” by Skillet. The lyrics are so true though… I do not need to get high or wasted to feel good; I am high off life and thanking the Lord for all He has done for me.

I need to get the fundraising letters out; I just do not know all of what to say. I am optimistic. When I had teachers come up to me and tell me that they want to help my heart was overjoyed to say the least. Just to know that I have the support of my teachers behind me shows me even more that Bethany College was the place for me. This experience will truly be one of a kind and they believe in me enough to help make it happen.

So much has happened. My mom thinks that I share too much in my journals. She feels as if it is too personal. I just told her that I have nothing to hide because I do not. The career that I want to go into I cannot stand in front of people and impose that I do not have problems too, that is what makes me human.

My mom came and talked to me right before I went to bed, I was on the phone with Shawn and that made it mildly awkward. It was a good talk. I was a little surprised about that. I know she wants the best for me; it just sucks sometimes when I am the only person who does not know “the right way” to go about life. Winston Churchill said, “There are two people who never amount to anything; those who don’t do what they are told and those who can do nothing else.” Sometimes I feel torn about everything. “Anna just focus on your dreams, the right boy will come along.” I thought the right boy had come along but of course, like all the people that enter my life, he is just someone to drag me down. Someone is always trying to drag me down in my parent’s eyes. They just see so much potential. I see potential in myself but my mom thinks that for me to go out and do things I need to have someone there. In my personal opinion, I think I just want someone to share my experiences with.

I have tried to talk to Rodney Friday, Saturday and then tonight but every time I do, I get so frustrated. I do not even know how it happens but it does. First it is about him getting a job, then it is about him not having a plan B, then it is about him thinking my religion is stupid, and then…for some reason the list goes on and on and on and on. I mean it was like all of a sudden I had the best boyfriend in the world and I would move to Washington. Now I want nothing but freedom, I want no commitment. I do not even know where this is coming from or if it is just a phase. What if I just want to go on a date to have it mean nothing? Who knows, I spent all of high school wrapped up in a boy and never tried anything. Now I am in the same situation. Maybe I just need some time alone, which is what I told Rodney. I want time to explore but then that is breaking up and I do not want Rodney out of my life. I mean that would be a huge red sign saying, “I do not love you.” That is not what I want to say…I just need some Anna time. I need a chance to breathe. I always need things planned out and perfect. For once I wish that I could just do me and not have to worry about pleasing anyone else or committing to anything. Good thing it is spring break and I will have time to figure out this entire mess.

I feel like I can never have moments like this because so many people are counting on me.

Mood: Who even knows…?

P.S. I have a rash that covers my arms, ouch! I was in the grass this week so that probably did not help.

What is it All For?

March 15, 2009
I feel like it has been so long since I wrote. A lot has happened.

Baseball’s conference opener was on Thursday, we lost. Lost the first game and then went into the fourteenth inning for the second game and lost. Rodney and them were pretty upset. If this is how it is going to be, it is going to be a long season…especially with Cantrell. Most of the Ju-Co players are looking at transferring next year so they do not waste it on this program. I do not blame them. We went from the best in conference to the worst…great move Bethany College…

Friday feels like a complete blur. Like a tear one a piece of paper, nothing but smudges. I have not talked to Shawn. Him and I have not had an actual conversation since Thanksgiving. Every time his number shows up on my phone, my heart feels like it stops beating, along with my breathing. This time, it was not a text about a song that reminded him of me…no, no. (Last October, his sixteen-year-old cousin Amanda was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. I hung out with and knew Amanda. Last February there was a benefit concert held for her. The theme was her own quote, “I Choose Life.” Everyone thought that she was getting better. At 10:28 am, I get the text from Shawn saying, “Since you were the first to know about Amanda, you will be the first to know again. Amanda died last night.” Every time I think of it, I feel sick to my stomach. She was only eighteen and people were optimistic that she was going to beat it. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with and around Shawn’s family. All I could think about was her at the benefit concert. I knew Amanda and then they wheeled her out, half of her body paralyzed, I crumbled; that was not the Amanda that I knew. I remember looking at Shawn and uncontrollably sobbing as he held me close. How could this of happened? She wanted to be an inspiration, she was not mad at God for having brain cancer, her faith never left her. The funeral is on Wednesday and I want to be there but I gave up my right to be with the family. I am not with Shawn, so it is no longer my place. I feel like I am all alone her though. Rodney says that he is here, and he has gone through this before. I know he has, but I want to be with Shawn. I do not know why I am feeling this way. It is like I am holding in all my tears and sorrows until I see him. I know he is holding his in as well. He and I will not see each other. We will not speak after the mourning of Amanda has dwindled. He and I cannot talk; we cannot be friends…

After hearing the news of Amanda I auto-piloted my life. I was waiting for practice to come so I could focus on something else. I did not even want to see Rodney. After practice, I went and got ready to go hang out with my team. I cannot drink, but they were playing a Canadian drinking game that I want to teach to my siblings. We will play with juice or something. I needed to get my mind off it. It is like a switch went on and I did not want to have a boyfriend. I just wanted it to be me. I wanted the freedom to go out with my girls and not have to report to anyone. If I want to stay out and sleep at Serah’s then I would; I would not have to worry about sharing time. It would just be me.

I woke up on Saturday to Tanya yelling. Apparently, she got a DUI the night before. She was stuck in a cell with twelve guys. She has all these bruises and bite marks on her neck. I did not even know what to say to her. I was just in awe, more dumbfounded than anything. I mean, what do you say to that? So, I went and got brownies, cookies, and ice cream. We had a girl’s night. I honestly did not know what to do. I can’t make it go away, I can try to make her feel better by showing that someone cares about her.

Another thing that I am noticing, everything in my life is routine. Even down to what I eat. The excitement of my life sometimes feels like it is buried in textbooks and dreams of bigger days.

O the Monday morning. I just feel like I am floating from one place to another. I talked with Shawn last night until about one in the morning. He actually said goodbye when I was half asleep. Definitely woke up tired. I needed to get my mind off Amanda. The poster from her benefit concert hangs in my room and I look at it and wonder, “Was it all for nothing?”

On a brighter note, Alex said that ASR positions are available for next year. I came to talk to him about reapplying for an RA/SRA position. The ASR is education based and themed-based among different integrated communities. He said that if there was a dictionary definition of the person he would want to run this it would be me. He said if he could clone me for all the dorms it would be perfect. He is looking at me for Anna Marm or the apartments. I want to go to the apartments to experience it and because the change would be nice. If you are not changing, you are not growing.

When Shawn and I talked last night, I asked him why he picked up the phone. He said because he was pissed about how things ended. He had no control. When he and I were in our relationship, I felt torn between my dreams and him. When I was with Shawn, my dreams did not matter; I just wanted to be with him. I can hear my dad now, “How stupid Anna.” But hot damn, I miss Shawn. I think of him often, we used to have so much fun. The fights and the bickering could have been solved, but I felt like I also had to choose between my family, especially my dad and Shawn. Shawn said he would always be a loser when he came to my dad. He was right, my dad thought he was a waste and Shawn would lose every time if I had to choose between one of them. My dad is my best friend, my rock. He is the biggest role model in my life, even though he will never accept it. When I do something great or I accomplish something, I want him to be the first to know. I want him to be proud of me.

I feel so disoriented. I am going through the motions, waiting for volleyball. Waiting to sweat and feel the pain of my achy joints and muscles. I am waiting to feel alive…It is nice out today; I think I will go for a walk.

Monday Evening:
Everything is better now. I got into the weight room, rode a few miles on the elliptical, jumped, did abs, and played. Now I feel relaxed. My body hurts, it still has not recovered from previous injuries. O well, I cannot feel it when I am playing and that is what counts. Playing went AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! None of these exclamation points expresses the amazingness that was in the gym. I enjoy how much say I get. I do run the workouts but even on the court. I matter; just like every other individual…they matter.

Rodney had a game today against York College. They got ten-runned, again. Not a good season started. He is off doing who knows what. I am here just hanging out, and I am content being by myself.

I do not need someone to complete me. I am enough by myself. I am nowhere close to wanting to be super committed or tied down. I have not done anything yet with my life. I have so much more, I am only scratching the surface of my dream. If I never get there then it all will mean nothing.

You see, in the morning, I can feel depressed but then it just goes away. It has always been like that. I never feel the same about something for a whole day….Plus, I cannot be depressed, there is too much to lose…people count on me to be there with a smile…

OMG ;)

March 10, 2009

So a lot has gone on this week, thankfully all good. I like had a transformation; that could be either good or bad. Well, I am starting to develop a “life”. Yes, I have one; filled with work, school, and workouts. Now I have a life that involves actual friends. Every night this week, I have stayed up late laughing with friends. I got to bed at one, on a school night. You readers laugh at this but this is an accomplishment for me. I am usually the paranoid one that must have everything in the world accomplished before even thinking about hanging out. To be honest, in the past, I had pushed hanging out to being just on the weekends. Tonight I am going to be hanging out with Leah and Serah. I am so stoked! We will get to hang out like we used to last year, I miss it a lot. I miss it more than I ever did hanging out with Josie. I think it is because Leah and Serah are more like me in a sense. In some they are opposites, but I can laugh and have a good time always, well now that everything is settled out between us. I feel like it is a place I can go and not worry about anyone judging me. I am learning that my teammates are not just teammates, they are my network of girlfriends. When I came to Bethany College this was not really a concept that was embraced amongst my prior teammates. We never did stuff like this when the old seniors were here. I feel like I have a bond with my teammates. We can laugh and joke on and off the court. We can also have deep conversations, which brings us closer on and off the court. It feels like a change these past couple of weeks since the volleyball get together. I mean, I am going to hang out with volleyball tonight, and we are going to the club on Thursday. Friday we are going midnight bowling and then Saturday night, who knows what we will get into. I LOVE THAT. I still hang out with Rodney but he and I both feel like we need to have friends and a life outside of each other. That is what will make our relationship last.

O and I had another Logic test on Wednesday, but I am pretty sure I am going to ace it; which will even further solidify my A. I am on my way of writing a proposal to the Academic Dean for two things; one to increase my scholarship since I will end this semester with my third consecutive 4.0. Second, to allow me take a summer class and not pay for it since I missed interterm and paid for that. I hear that it has not been done before. I have a hard time accepting the answer no, but I am confident that I will bring a strong case. If not, then I will reevaluate my case and go back. It never hurt to ask, so it never hurts to ask twice J

Acne is gotten a little bad, or maybe has not changed, either one

Mood: freaking ecstatic!

March 11, 2009

I got my Logic test back…95!!! Woot woot!

I got an email today from a PSI graduate named Lauren. She heard of me through Jaime Winters, who is posting an article about me for the PSI Voice (The article will be up Monday and I will attach the link). Anyway, Lauren is building a church…in Africa. She wants to know if I am interested. I was reading the email and I almost jumped out of my seat in absolute joy. I want to get the details on it, but I am praying that it works out because this is an opportunity of a lifetime!! I just get butterflies when I think about it!

I almost had a melt down…for the oddest reason. I felt like I could just fall to tears this evening. Nothing was even wrong. Maybe there was, we were scrimmaging today, and coach moved me from left to right. This probably means nothing and she is just changing up the lineup, but it got to me. It made me feel like I am not good enough to play outside. Also, I was also a little ticked because my body hurts everywhere. There is no time to relax. It started in my right hip flexor and now it is both of them, plus both my knees, plus my lower back. Who knows, I hate taking Advil but I am going to make an exception and hopefully rest up because I am dehydrated, going through hot flashes with a stuffy nose and sore throat. Oh no! I need to get better.

Another thing that bothered me today was I wish that I did not care as much as I do about grades. How I wish I could just say, “You know what I am going to learn, no matter what the grade.” Ha! I feel like it I give myself the opportunity to slack, I will. I just tell myself that someday it will not be like this. I am interested in the learning material we cover, so maybe I am learning. I like reading it; maybe I am just wiped out. Who knows? I honestly would feel like a failure if I did not meet my goal of graduating with a 4.0. It is embedded into my head somewhere, that if it is not an A then I was not trying. I just need to find a balance. Sometimes I despise it. In all reality the core to my stress is probably for my weigh in. I feel like I eat nothing, so today when I did eat something more than normal, I felt like I was going to have a bad weigh in. I need not think about such trivial causes. I need an escape, oh how convenient, Spring Break. Yep, that is what my problem is; I miss home!

I feel so much better now that my thoughts are out in the open.

Mood: A little bit of everywhere.

Almost the Weekend!

March 5, 2009

Wow this week has really flown by. I get into this mode where I go through the motions and I forget what had happened. I do this when I am driving. There are hours of time that are unaccounted for simply because I just space out. This is probably not the best habit but driving by yourself in a straight line for six hours in the middle of Kansas and Eastern Colorado can sometimes be torture. In my opinion it is not bad to do this in driving but it is bad to do it in life. Coasting through life on autopilot can get you in trouble. All of a sudden, years have gone by and you wonder where all the time went. Now that I am aware that I am doing this, I can make efforts to change it.

I feel like all in all our team has become closer. This is a big change from last year and my first year. I never really felt apart of the volleyball team, I was just a member. The senior click was absolutely ridiculous. I think it is important to develop relationships off the court so that there is a bond of trust on the court. I also believe in working out as a team, even though I would much rather do it myself. I have a feeling we would have girls that would not work out at all! I like it though because I am in shape, so if a teammate falls behind, I have no problem running extra to help them out and encourage them. I believe suffering together makes a team stronger. Then you know that there are five other people on the court with you are working just as hard as you are to get better. It is hard to push yourself if no one around you is.

Amazing enough I still have not had a mental break down when it comes to school. I am still coasting through. Not because it is easy but because my time management skills are at work! I get done what I need to get done. I like it because I am busy but not stressed or overworked. This makes me feel at ease and I am sure that I am a much nicer person to be around. I mean it is little things like picking up after myself and planning ahead. All my bags are packed and ready to go the night before so that in the morning I do not have to worry about it, I just grab and go. It made it to where Rodney and I could watch a movie last night without me having to worry about everything I still have left to do. One step at a time. I have a paper due on Monday that I could start on but I think I am just going to relax. Actually, I am going to ride the elliptical and then go to practice. Somewhere in between that I am going to eat dinner.

We are supposed to have a volleyball get-together but I am on duty tonight. So what I might do is just go to Carrie’s at like ten when I no longer have to be in the lobby and hang out for a while. Rodney, me, and the six baseball players are going to see Slumdog Millionaire. I have never heard of it but it won a ton of awards. I want to go see The Uninvited but it is a scary movie and Rodney is not really into those. He actually cannot sleep at night after watching them, so I figured since we saw what I wanted to see last time; we will go see what he wants to see tonight

The dreaded anxious weigh-in is tomorrow. If I weigh in good Rodney and I are going to Neighbor’s for breakfast…YUM!
Mood:Tired but Content

Mondays Are Rarely Something to Be Excited About

March 2, 2009

Even though I felt rested I was just really quiet today. My Logic class is starting to confuse me and we have a test on Monday. We have to memorize seventeen different fallacies. O my. I just get them all confused. I am going to have to rely on my skill in B.S.ing my way through. Well I guess one could call it persuasion through intellectual thought. Yes, that is what we will call it!

I am wiped out physically and mentally. We lifted six lifts all consisting of legs. How stupid first of all. We did squats, squat jumps, and single leg squat. This is just to give you and idea of this workout. We also lift four times a week. On top of that, today we did abs, plyometrics, jumping program and played. I was so wiped out, not because it was hard but it took four hours. I also rode four and a half miles on the elliptical.

I did not get my bulletin board done either for this month. I said that I was going to do it Friday night but we ended up having a girl’s night instead. No one in Anna Marm has done it because we are all so drained. I feel like I have failed in some way though, not meeting a deadline. My dad would definitely be disappointed. I am going to try and get it done by tomorrow night, even though we have until Friday. I just feel like it reflects badly on my character.

Shawn text me today, out of the blue, apologizing for “being kind of an ass the other day.” He and I do not talk but random texts seem to fly both ways every once in a while. It started out talking about a song by Hinder called, “The Best is Yet to Come.” Apparently when he hears the chorus, he is saying it to me. I find this hard to believe because I do not remember him being that supportive EVER. So then we argued. Finally I just stopped it. It is so childish and I am so over it. He was a big part in my life but now he is in the past. I would not mind talking with him, but relationship wise, I am done. As I study more and more in to my degrees I can identify the relationship we had. We call it Mania. Were the two people have jealous, possessive love and get stomach aches frequently, which him and I did all the time. There was an entire month of my life my freshman year where I was sick to my stomach all of the time and I did not know why, now I know. Along with some other things I have learned in previous classes, him and I were not meant to be together. He and I need to accept the fact that we were not functional because of the things that have happened in the past. We both want different things…

I am not looking for a commitment. I am 19 years old who cannot even commit myself to a favorite color, let alone to someone else. I am exclusive with Rodney, he is my boyfriend. Him and I both have a lot of living left to do before we go off and get married. Yep, a lot to do…What I love is that Rodney and I are completely content with that. There is no need to rush. I am still discovering and finding who I am and what I want out of life.

The Necessary Weekend

March 1, 2009

So I went to play volleyball on Friday and it was a complete and total pick on Anna day. Leah and I do not get along. It is not because of on-the-court issue it is off the court. However, I do not even know what the problem is, but every time Leah or Serah got the ball it went to me. There was one point where I took 11 serve receive passes in a row. When I shanked or messed up they would look at me with a glare and cheer. I asked Leah in the locker room if there was anyway that her and I could fix the whole mess and resolve the issue. She said, “Hmmm…no, probably not, sorry.” I was trying not to cry as I left the gym. Coach said she saw me do some good things, which made me feel good. I did not even want to go to the team dinner. I did not want to be anywhere near my team. I saw myself going through this season and hating it. You never want someone to fake that they like you. It creates a hostile environment along with control issues. I did not even know Leah had a problem with me until about a week ago when she got on me for having a constant scheduling conflict for Sunday night study hall.
I get to the house and she is pretending to be nice to me. Everyone that was not in the senior click left the dinner around 7:30, but I stayed. I am so glad I did. The dinner started at six and I left around ten thirty and that was just because Tanya was at Rodney’s house with a milkshake from Bogey’s. We all started laughing and talking. They were taking chocolate cake shots (combination of sucking on a lemon with sugar after a shot of alcohol). I cannot drink because of the medication, but Serah baked a chocolate cake with strawberries and bananas, iced with whipped cream. YUM! She said I could have the first piece since I could not participate in the team shot taking. She called me, “Anna Baby”, something she has not called me in forever. We are goofy girls and had a blast. When I left there were hugs and everything. Leah text me when I got home and said that she had a really fun time hanging out with me, that we should hang out next weekend, and that when it comes to being teammates we are cool. That made me so happy. I did not know if it was the alcohol talking but then we talked today and laughed like we were friends. I am glad that I took the initiative, it paid off and we are going to have a kick ass season in the fall. Being close to all of them makes me want to play. This is going to be our best season yet. There are not segregated clicks like there were last year. The Varsity all get along and hang out. Last year we hardly ever did team stuff.

One thing I did notice and I am not sure on how I feel is. If I do something then the people around me will also. Hannahberger was so shocked that I did it. I did it and then Megan and Kristi followed. It is like if I am around there is no talk or participation in drinking, smoking, or sex. Me coming out for the night helped clear that up, and makes me feel like I have friends. As weird and awkward as that sounds.

Rodney played the number one team in the nation on Friday. It was 0-0 in the bottom of the seventh. (When we played them the first time we lost 19-6). All of a sudden, Larson makes four errors in a row and we lose 0-5. No one even talked to Larson. He is our problem player. He came in thinking he was going to bat over 400 every game but he makes so many errors on the field and is not even a good hitter. He is our short stop and coach’s pride and joy. Ridiculous! Rodney came home really mad. He said he ended up drinking until five talking baseball with Schlepp and Brian; they did not get home until at 3:30.

In the morning we got ready to go to Kansas City to see Carissa. Out of no where she calls me and asks me to be her Maid of Honor in her wedding. I am totally so happy! I do not know what all goes into being a maid of honor but I am going to try my best to be there and help her. Her wedding is October 3rd, right in the beginning of season, but I thought about it and she should not have to plan “her” day around her family, because this is her special day and she only gets one I was actually taken back by the fact that she asked me. A few years ago we did not really even have a relationship because we fought all the time. She was the one person that I looked up to my whole childhood; I wanted to be just like her. She got involved with the wrong crowd and starting using some heavy drugs. I remember, her and I were working at the restaurant and everything was fine…all of a sudden she stormed off. I was 14. We changed the locks at our house and she left for Kansas City to be with her dad. That was the first time I had to take her off the pedestal of being an older sister and put her on the level of being a human being of free will. She is nothing like that now. She is amazing, her life is all together and she has a man that loves her more than anything. I love watching them interact, it is so positive; they bring out the best in each other. I am so happy for them to finally be getting married.

We went out to eat at the Olive Garden that night, but during the day we just hung out and talked. That is what I like the most. I go to Kansas City to just relax. There are no worries in the world (school), it is just time to let loose and have a good time. I am going back up there after Spring Break to help her pick out things for the wedding.

It is always a long drive back, and I had to work at five. I have to bust my butt into gear. I have had two bad eating weekends and it seems like I have not lost anything. So we will see by next weekend weigh in.

The only apparent symptoms are the bumps on my upper arms and more scattered bumps on my legs. I think I have them because my skin is just dry. I have a plethora of them on my left arm all because my backpack slid down my arm. I was wearing a hoodie and everything but an unmistakable burning feeling lingered after the backpack incident, now I can visibly see the red bumps.

Mood: Sleepy Determined

It is Almost the Weekend

February 26, 2009

The week has gone by so fast, just like it always does. I wore my glasses yesterday. I put on makeup and did my hair just incase the glasses looked bad. I also put on something other than sweats and a t-shirt. Well the glasses were a hit! Some of my teammates had to take a double take because they have never seen me with glasses. Overall it was good. A friend of mine also said I looked ravishing. Silly boys, but I do enjoy the compliments. It will take Rodney awhile to get used to them but over time he will adjust. I think I am getting hydrated again because my lips are not as chapped and the sides of my mouth are no longer cracked.

I have also put on a little weight. Probably because of this weekend; this was to be expected because I consumed a village worth of food. I am sure my weigh in will be fine, I will have to back track some. Also I am drinking a ton of water now. People on my team have asked me if I have lost weight and I gladly tell them yes. Last weekend was to show that I cannot eat like that if I want the results. It is a learning experience. We are having a volleyball dinner, tomorrow, the night before my weigh in. I think I am just going to bring my dinner with me; an apple and an instant breakfast. They will be having spaghetti and chocolate cake.

My mom called last night just to talk and we talked for forty-five minutes. I loved it. We talked about a lot of things about home but then we brought up the topic of Lent. I like what she said, ‘It’s not always something you have to give up, you can do something good too.” I did not know what I was going to give up for Lent but I have decided for the course of Lent I am going to take Brian, Rodney’s best friend, as a person instead of the loser I think he is. I am going to get to know Brian instead of judging him on his habits. We will see, day one has started off on the right foot.

Josh and I have been emailing a lot back and forth. He makes me smile every time I read his emails. He thinks the same way that I do and it is nice to talk about similar beliefs. He is a very driven young man and he is confident about it. However, I am definitely checking my facebook more often to see if he has emailed me. In a sense this could be bad, but it is harmless emails about our favorite things and what we want out of college and life. It is just a friendship but at Bethany College every little thing can turn into a forest fire within seconds. I thought about it some more. Josh is tall, cute, and funny but he is not Rodney. It is fun to email back and forth, but Rodney treats me so well, he cares about me, and there is nothing I would change in my life. Rodney is not replaceable, even if Josh has all of those stellar qualities. I know what it is like to be manipulated, brokenhearted, not good enough and treated like shit. Never for a second have I felt any of these things. I enjoy being a part of his life and having him a part of mine. I enjoy watching, talking and reminiscing baseball. However, if my socks are off it means absolutely no baseball talk. All of which I did not enjoy before. I think it is because he makes me a priority too. Even though I know his schedule better than he does, that is my baseball role in a way. I also enjoy how we never fight, we have disputes but we talk them out, always. I just…cherish him.

My relationship map is finally complete. It is a good project but what I see in my head is not necessarily what I see on paper or shoe box to be exact. This is just a draft. It is a good start; I have been thinking about it and sketching this for a couple of weeks. I think I took Isaacson by surprise but then not really. He said that it was, “A very Alexis thing to do.” I wish my parents could meet him. I already am starting to plot my final project. I love my classes! All of them, they shape me. I am so into my degrees, because I am learning about the subjects, but with things like the relationship map, I am learning about myself; which to me is the most important thing in college. Some communications professor told me repeatedly once that there was more to college than A’s, I laughed. There is, I see the error of my ways. I had to see it, not be advised, this way I believe it and I live by it. Do not worry; my 4.0 GPA is still a goal along with many other things.

Josie and I have talked a lot this week, compared to other weeks. I am noticing that me being at lunch is way in which me and Josie stay in touch and catch up. She and I are both so busy. We are both free spirited and still close. We are planning to hangout soon, hopefully. She has track every weekend, o well I have baseball.

I am going to Kansas City for the weekend to see Carissa. I am super stoked because I miss her!!and ER. We are going on a double date…yum yum.

Mood: Healthy in body, mind and spirit

Monday February 23

Anna! Anna! Where are you?! I know, I have been gone for a whole week.

Let’s get the symptoms out of the way…face is looking a lot better! Not so much red but sometimes burning when I put moisturizer on. It is bearable but definitely zero fun. (SIDENOTE- so Isaacson taught me how to spell definitely. There is a website that has every other possible way of spelling it and then the correct way and I remembered! Normally, if I do not know how to spell a word then I will not use it at all…it is like a new door opened to my vocabulary.) Anyways, I am starting to wear make up like three times a week, nothing to catastrophic yet. I go in on Wednesday for the appointment to get my refill. The only symptom that hurts the worst is the sides of my mouth. Eating today was so painful. I had a sandwich and every time I went to open my mouth it felt like my mouth was tearing. I am putting Neosporin on for that. My ring worm is gone. However, I have a plethora of red bumps on my limbs, mostly my calves. I just keep putting lotion on, and trying to cover them the best way I can. Now onto the good stuff…my life

My little sister had her seventeenth birthday this week. It makes me sad that I had to miss it but she was with her best friend so I do not feel so bad about not being there. She told me everything went too fast and all I could tell her was that it always will go fast, if not faster. I said that it goes faster when you are doing something with your life and when you are busy. I am so proud of her. Even though she and I disagree on study habits, how dirty or clean a room should be, she is going be unbelievable. She has that “Win at all costs” attitude. This will take her far, sure she could treat her younger siblings different but I know I was the same way when I was her age. Now all I do is miss my siblings. Home is not home until I get a giant, breathtaking hug from my little brother Zach. He is the one I am most curious about; he is the one I want to get to know. His mind is witty, superior, and one of a kind. He is tall as a tree and full of love. Hot damn, I miss him so much. Then there is Jacob. I am learning about his type of personality in my learning class. They call him an oppositional child. Jacob is smart and he has the potential to be a better athlete than any of us kids…he just has to want it. He gets mad at the littlest thing and he holds onto it. He lies and some days I swear his only objective is to make people upset. I do not understand it, but I want to. The only cure for kids like Jacob is to replace a bad habit with a new one. This sounds time consuming…well it is. It is something that has to be done constantly every day. Honestly, I do not think my parents have the time or patience. It is about bringing out the good in Jacob instead of always referring to the bad that he has done or probably will do. I wish I was there to be there for him. I admit he can make me so mad sometimes, I preach all the time that you are the only one that can make you upset…well then I make myself very upset sometimes.

I will be home in less than a month! I am excited to see my parents, to talk for hours with my dad about nothing and everything. I wish my mom and I had a stronger relationship. We spent eighty percent of my life arguing, even when I was little. We always conflicted, just because I way too stubborn with a big mouth. She and I did not really click until I left for college. She and I are emotionally connected, it takes a lot for me to cry but if she cries than automatically I lose it...every time. I should not of given her such a hard time, she has been through things I will never be through. When I was in high school success to me was going to college with the works to go along with it like scholarships. So then she was not a success, hell I am wishing, hoping, and praying that I can half the mom she is. I look up to her more than I ever show. Success is not measured by how many A’s you have, or how many degrees you acquire. Success to me is doing what you want in your life, supporting the people around you and loving every minute. Success is self measured. I pulled a complete dick move yesterday. She called and she was asking about my Accutane and my glasses. I was flooded with homework and was trying to get done, so I could go to the baseball game that I was already late for. I snapped at her which I should not of. I hung up the phone and was going to text her about it but I did not. I guess it just bothered me that since I have been back she has not called just to talk…just to see what is up; probably because she knows I am flooded busy. I have talked to my dad a couple of times. I think that they just read my blog and that is sufficient enough. Why call when they can read about my day and everything else going on in my head. It is okay though because I can express things through a keyboard that I would not be able to express in person. Also when I type it, I can remember it and share it without forgetting it.

(SO…I learned from my mom at an early age; never mix black and brown. And NEVER mix black with dark blue…There are people here whose mothers did not teach them that…funny how certain things you will always remember.)

Another person that I cannot wait to see is Hunter. He is hands down my best friend in the whole world! I love him just as much as I love my own siblings. Even though I do not agree with the choices he is making in life, specifically his extracurricular activities, he still is number one. That is the awkward thing about best friends, you can influence them but you can never change them and if you try, you could end up losing them in the process. I am pretty sure every girl he has at his house has distaste for me. I am the only girl that has a picture up in his room; it is one that he and I took at my 16th birthday party. This is the best friend who I can tell absolutely anything to and vice versa. To be frank, there are things that I did not want to know about him but I do nonetheless. This is one person I do not judge because he is so close to me.. Is there sexual tension, I know everyone that knows us wonders this. Does he find me attractive? Yes. His friends ask him why he and I never dated. The thought really never crossed our minds. I know that I have an attractive best friend. However, laying together watching a movie or falling asleep in the same bed is just the same as if I did it with my siblings. All him and I really say when people look at us awkward for the way we act, because we are very close and comfortable with each other, we just tell them that if something was going to happen, it would have happened already…we know to much about the other person now. My other best friend, who I have a matching tattoo with, well her and I have grown somewhat apart. She is what I call a “sayer”. She says that she is going to do this and that and this and that but NOTHING ever happens. I am a doer…I do things, if I want something I work to get it. So in a way it makes it hard and she criticizes the hell out of everything I do. I love her and she is still one of my closest friends, she just has a new best friend that she is inseparable with that can be there for her. As long as she is happy…

I had a pretty fun weekend…we barbequed, and I found out that I like barbeque sauce…all these years my dad has been making me plain ribs. What was I thinking? Rodney soaked them in a special mixture of sauces over night. Yeah I weighed in at 154.2, the lowest I have been since freshman year of high school. Woot, woot! It does not seem that way but…anyways, this was my meal to get down…I had four barbequed ribs, two plain, a pork chop, beans, green beans, chips and queso, with about a half a pan of brownies. What is sad is that I am not full yet. I stopped eating though….I had a terrible eating weekend, but I am just going to say it was for a good cause…a healthy body and a baseball filled weekend.

I get my Learning test back tomorrow, but I got my Logic test back today…89%. So my day was almost ruined…I was seven tenths of a point away from an A. This is the hardest but most rewarding class I have ever taken. To me, if it is not an A then it might as well be an F. I learned that from my dad. He always demanded perfection but I could never attain it. It is funny how the mind set follows me. With two consecutive 4.0 semesters, I am looking to making this one number three. He never told me to get a 4.0 in college, I just want one. However, I do not ever get tired of telling him about my goals, in most ways there are the same as his.

I was in the library last night and the guy that told me I was weird in the training room a few weeks ago was in there, his name is Josh. He and I usually say hello to each other. He walks in and looks at me as he sits down and says, “Your face looks good…Wow that was an awkward compliment.” I just smiled and said thank you. He went to Cherokee Trails and even though him and I are at the same school it is like we are rivals still well not so much anymore since we talked for about two hours.
Mood: Tired with tons to do

A New Week

So i have hit passed the twenty day mark of my Accutane!! No thoughts of suicide, always seems to be a good sign. :) Those spots that I have been telling you about have nothing to do with the Accutane...I have ring worm. O joy, right. Nurses and my dad are saying that it is from uncleanliness and sad to say, there is only one place that I can think of...however, I do not want to pass judgement because I do not even live there and I am the only was that has it; even though Rodney's house is a disaster...typical college males.

Rodney and I talked briefly this morning but it was semi-awkward because we were not on good terms from the previous night. He ended up falling asleep at 10:30 last night and since he was mad at me I was waiting for him to contact me...I ended up playing racquetball with Kenneth so I did not text him after practice. Basically it was a big huge miscommunication. I invited him to lunch so that him and I could forget the whole thing and start fresh. That, however, was not in his agenda. He wanted to talk it out; which is an odd concept for me...For the first hour it was a conversation that all I wanted to do was figure out a way to end it. Then the real reason came out, I mean he was upset about me calling him a dork on accident and then not text him back. He was scared that I was going to just leave him because he never has time for me and because things sometimes get hard. But I was talking to Tanya about it and Schlepp heard and the combination of what they told Rodney made him believe that I had had enough of this relationship. If there was something like that he would have heard it from me, stories get over exaggerated! He is just really stressed with baseball and school. So drama with me was probably over the top, I am supposed to be the stable happy thing in his life, not another stress bringer.

Volleyball went well. I like it when we do plyometrics. We did planks today and i never would of thought that holding a position for forty-five seconds would be so hard and physically demanding. I went to the training room after, the stem treatment near my right hip flexor area helped. I feel like I am falling apart, my whole back hurts, my shoulder, i have pulled muscles in my groin area and my shin splints ,of all things, is returning. I enjoy it though, and it does not hurt when I am playing so the remedy must be to play more volleyball :). I know that this is not the cure but I have Saturday to rest from volleyball. The volleyball button is starting to click where i do not mind being in the gym all the time. I think it is because I am on top of things both in school and volleyball so I am not getting overwhelmed. We will see after this week after my two tests in Logic and Learning.
Mood: Ho Hum

The Weekend

February 14-15, 2009
Well last year has officially started over again. Today is the home opener for the Bethany College baseball team. They have switched it up though; they are going to play a 1-9 today. Rodney says that if they lose then we are not going to have a Valentine’s Day date. I just laugh and say that I will eat all of his chocolate. I was late getting to the game; I was in that certain mood I had been waiting for so I could write my second blog. The mood came about when I was getting Rodney’s things together for tonight. Specifically I was decorating the bag that his presents were going to go in. I got to the card and I wanted to put little quotes in it so I went on the internet to turn some up. There were a couple that I really liked but then there were two in particular that hit me like a brick wall. One of them said, “Love is Forever…” this is the quote that immediately made me think back to Shawn. It makes me wonder if he and I did ever loved at all. That is silly, I know we did, when it was there we had something but him and I are in different parts of life, both pursuing and loving other people. The second quote was, “You do not marry the one you can life with; you marry the one you can’t live without.” I will admit that sometimes Shawn will cross my mind. Not in a way where I want what we had but I just think about him…if you read the second blog you will be able to see that in a way I felt like I lost more than a boyfriend. Even in my teen years, I feel like I had genuine feelings of love. I lost apart of me, I lost a best friend. Break ups are almost like that other person died because all forms of communication have ceased, and anything that you have ever done together becomes a moment for reminiscing and sometimes tears. This blog that I wrote is grammatically a mess. I told myself that my heart would take over the keyboard and I was going to spill everything that I was feeling at the moment. In all actuality, I knew that if I reread it then I would not post the blog at all; feelings of shame or guilt come as a result of the words. I feel like they are feelings that need to leave me, so I write about them so they can be out in the open. I learned in my first communication class about a Jaharian window, basically I do not want anything to be in the hidden self but for it to be in the open self. I want my life to be an open text, for questions, interpretations and insight. Though there are some things that I am ashamed of, I do not want to feel like I have to hide anything. I felt like that growing up sometimes, I had to hide a thought or feeling that my parents disapproved of. My parents and I always battled when it came to Shawn. I would push back, but they were my parents so I eventually caved in. I wonder what would have happened if I acted only on my feelings instead of how the people around me would have reacted. Do not get me wrong, I do not regret anything, there are things that I wish I would have done differently, but ultimately I cannot change them so I accept them and do not resent them.
Anyways, back to the baseball game…Well I do not know where in the name our baseball team was but it was not focused. I sat by Jenny until she had to go to work and then I went into the press box and controlled the walk out songs for the game. Rodney pitched and he was doing well but for some reason he got pulled, so that a freshman could come in and pitch. Coach said it was because of the left-handed hitter that was up to bat next. However, Rodney had to take the loss for the game. I honestly thought that he and I were not going out to eat but we did. Well, being the romantic couple we are we went to try out this place we had been planning to try out called Coyote Canyon. It is the local version of the Golden Corral. It was okay, but it was no Golden Corral that is for sure. Nonetheless, we decided to have a contest on who could eat the most…silly Rodney. He had me until it was time for dessert. He had a cinnamon roll and a brownie…I had a brownie, a piece of carrot cake, a piece of chocolate cake, some of a piece of hot fudge cake, part of his cinnamon roll with some milk. When it comes to me and dessert there is no such thing as defeat. I wanted to go to Bogey’s afterward so that I could get my milkshake but Rodney was so full that he said no.
When we got back to the house we exchanged gifts. Earlier in the week we had made stuffed animals for each other and then we separately ended up buying chocolate for the other person but we shared. That is when I reached my full point. I could not even move, it hurt to move, I was so full. We watched Blood Diamond, but half way through Rodney fell asleep on his couch. So did Schlepp, he fell asleep with his video game controller in his hand, one of the cutest things I have ever seen.
O side note, I weighed in at 156 this morning, o yeah baby. I have not been this weight since June before my senior year. If I get down to 154 it will be the lightest I have been since I was a freshman in high school! I know it should not matter, but it matters to me…I have a gorgeous mother and a skinny atheletic sister, whether they know it or not it was really hard growing up around it. My awesome weigh-in was the reason I felt the having an eating contest was necessary. Even though, I honestly cannot really tell the difference between me now and me thirteen pounds heavier in September. O well there is much more important things to focus about. I am scared for my next weigh in because I am wandering into unclaimed territory…
The next day I took the time to sleep in. There is a draft that blows in through my window so it is always cold in my room in the morning. I worked out and attempted to do homework, but ended up writing in my other blog. I feel a lot better now that it is out in the open. Shawn read it…he was upset at the first two posts and that is all I heard about it. O and then he concluded with saying that I did not lose anything, I did not want it. I guess if I take a close look at it that is what it is. He is right though, I guess I did not want what he was offering because I was too busy living and thinking of me; that is where my biggest flaw lies. I am aware of this, there are goals that I have in my life and a place where I see myself and nothing will get in the way of that.
Rodney and I talked about academics and he said that he would rather have a social life…and well I never really had a huge social life because I am so wrapped up in school and every other thing there was to do on the planet. Everything comes with a price; I do hang out but not every day, maybe like a day of the week. There is always something that could be done to make you better.
I went to the first game and we killed them, 11-1. I do not know what happened yesterday. Tanya and I went back to my dorm so that I could make the boys cookies for after the game. She and I talked about her and Brian. She also asked me if I knew how much Rodney loved me. I just sheepishly looked at her and said probably not. You see, Rodney is a different kind of man, he is true and honest. There is no such thing as fake feelings with him. It is hard to get his trust and respect and even harder to get his love. I can say that I have one of the good ones. Overall I have never been treated so well. He wants to talk things out, he respects me, he accepts me. There are not even words to describe all the good things he is to me, and there are no words to show how he has ever wronged me…because he has not.
The boys ended up winning the second game and Cantrell finally argued a call, granted it was late, o well. I was excited for him. I can see he really takes this job to heart; he is doing as well as he knows how. I went out and handed out the cookies to them, I cannot describe the feeling that I got; the appreciation. I feel like a team mom but I do not mind it. Rodney lives for baseball and I am doing the best that I can to be apart of it. After the game when we were all sitting around the house, I slipped up and called him a dork. He absolutely hates that name because it was something his older sister used to call him. He has not had a relationship with her in years, because of events that sound like they come from a movie. That word hits him hard…
I went to volleyball, we played for like an hour but then to my surprise Kenneth, Martinez and Ty were out there. Ty and I talked for about an hour. While talking to him I was giving my two sense on how I could beat Kenneth in racquetball with my eyes closed. So he challenged me and I declined but eventually I gave in. I actually was a little weary of it. He was playing with tennis rackets and mine was so heavy. We play to fifteen. 7-12 I finally got focused and in gear and came back and win 16-14. The thought of losing was undoubting but the thought of losing to him would make it all the more worse. The mere thought of him letting me win makes me mad, and as a result I would have to play him again to see. A win means nothing if it is just given to you. Kenneth and I got off to a bad start last fall. We always eye flirted across the caf, well anytime we saw each other my freshman year, but by Christmas when all was said and done we had stopped talking pretty much. I was surprised that he actually talked to me. We kind of talked it out. Rodney hates Kenneth and his girlfriend does not show favor on me either. So we call our racquetball playing an O.N.R; One Night Racquetball. It was fun to get out and do something though. I was just going to come back to my room and do homework anyway. I think we are okay now…I hope we are because I really enjoyed hanging out with him. I did promise that I would no longer trash talk him because he will make me back it up. O and while we were playing I did the splits, not at all on purpose. I enjoy playing with him because he dives all over the floor too, dedication…I enjoy playing sports with people that take the game as serious as I do.
I got back to my room, texted with Shawn a little bit and then talked to his little brother. I miss Geoff, yep; I would dare say that I miss him just as much as Hunter if not sometimes more. I could not even tell you what Shawn and I talked about, really about nothing…it was weird to be talking to him. This is not something that I am pursuing because it hurts Rodney and I know Shawn’s girlfriend is not in favor of it. I told him I would delete the blog if it bothered him but he did not say anything about it. I think him and I talking is a one time thing, we both have, in a sense, moved on. I went to bed without talking to Rodney, he never text me back so I went to bed a little upset.
Mood: Pondering