I do not even remember what happened Saturday

Sunday March 22, 2009

I got exactly what I needed this morning. I was so high strung in a bad way and going to my church and being in that environment always makes everything become okay, even when it is not. It is an hour and a half of my life where I do not have to focus on anything except praising the Lord and talking to him. I am able to release everything and focus. I have not found anything else that gives me that feeling. I think that eventually I will end up in Colorado and a huge reason besides the people in my life is the “high” that I get off of worshipping God, especially in this setting. I mean I can still feel alive in my faith away from Northern Hills since I am out of the state most of the year. There is a song called, “Better than Drugs” by Skillet. The lyrics are so true though… I do not need to get high or wasted to feel good; I am high off life and thanking the Lord for all He has done for me.

I need to get the fundraising letters out; I just do not know all of what to say. I am optimistic. When I had teachers come up to me and tell me that they want to help my heart was overjoyed to say the least. Just to know that I have the support of my teachers behind me shows me even more that Bethany College was the place for me. This experience will truly be one of a kind and they believe in me enough to help make it happen.

So much has happened. My mom thinks that I share too much in my journals. She feels as if it is too personal. I just told her that I have nothing to hide because I do not. The career that I want to go into I cannot stand in front of people and impose that I do not have problems too, that is what makes me human.

My mom came and talked to me right before I went to bed, I was on the phone with Shawn and that made it mildly awkward. It was a good talk. I was a little surprised about that. I know she wants the best for me; it just sucks sometimes when I am the only person who does not know “the right way” to go about life. Winston Churchill said, “There are two people who never amount to anything; those who don’t do what they are told and those who can do nothing else.” Sometimes I feel torn about everything. “Anna just focus on your dreams, the right boy will come along.” I thought the right boy had come along but of course, like all the people that enter my life, he is just someone to drag me down. Someone is always trying to drag me down in my parent’s eyes. They just see so much potential. I see potential in myself but my mom thinks that for me to go out and do things I need to have someone there. In my personal opinion, I think I just want someone to share my experiences with.

I have tried to talk to Rodney Friday, Saturday and then tonight but every time I do, I get so frustrated. I do not even know how it happens but it does. First it is about him getting a job, then it is about him not having a plan B, then it is about him thinking my religion is stupid, and then…for some reason the list goes on and on and on and on. I mean it was like all of a sudden I had the best boyfriend in the world and I would move to Washington. Now I want nothing but freedom, I want no commitment. I do not even know where this is coming from or if it is just a phase. What if I just want to go on a date to have it mean nothing? Who knows, I spent all of high school wrapped up in a boy and never tried anything. Now I am in the same situation. Maybe I just need some time alone, which is what I told Rodney. I want time to explore but then that is breaking up and I do not want Rodney out of my life. I mean that would be a huge red sign saying, “I do not love you.” That is not what I want to say…I just need some Anna time. I need a chance to breathe. I always need things planned out and perfect. For once I wish that I could just do me and not have to worry about pleasing anyone else or committing to anything. Good thing it is spring break and I will have time to figure out this entire mess.

I feel like I can never have moments like this because so many people are counting on me.

Mood: Who even knows…?

P.S. I have a rash that covers my arms, ouch! I was in the grass this week so that probably did not help.