Spring Break

The week of Spring Break seemed to fly by. I found myself saying, “O it’s only Tuesday”…then it was Friday. I was supposed to leave on Saturday but then when it was to be Friday, I was not ready to leave. It snowed on Thursday so my plans in essence were held back a day. Friday, my mom and I started talking about who even knows what; probably about Rodney, career goals, and Shawn. Even though Shawn and I are not together I still get flustered over the topic. That was five years of my life. Shawn and I have talked on and off for the past couple of months, but it is nothing consistent because we are both trying to move on. I left my house on the verge of tears because I was over talking about it. Sometimes I feel like it is not even my life that I am living. There are so many expectations on top of the expectations I hold for myself. Now I remember how the conversation started…Hawaii and Africa. I am finding that my summers are very expensive, but I will not trade them. The experience will last me a lifetime and broaden my horizons. Do they cost money? Yes, there is no such thing as free. I sense that I will not be getting any financial assistance from my mom; this is because everything goes to volleyball. What I do not understand is; volleyball will pay for Emily’s school but is she growing as a person? No. She is still the same self centered, spoiled, vocally passive self. I have a chance to change lives, I have a chance to live my dreams instead of just think them up. O well, I will get there one way or another. The support I feel from my teachers is overwhelmingly positive. O and then my mom had the audacity to tell me that I should not take my dad for his birthday surprise. I said, no way! I have two and a half years where I do not have bills and payments. I would rather work for something that will last me a lifetime. Honestly, I am still taking him. I cannot wait until next year; no one knows what next year will bring. I want to do this experience and I cannot imagine doing it with anyone else. My dad is my best friend and means everything to me…now all I have to do is pray he is not scared of heights! I am a little but this is safe and I hear it is absolutely an amazing experience. Therefore, we are going, my mind is set which means he is the only one who could convince me otherwise but even that would not change my mind.
O so, where I went when I left…I went to Wal-Mart. Shawn was there. We talked. Even though we are not together venting to him eases my frustrations. I mean he was there when my big life changes were happening so he knows the pressure I have to succeed. He also knows that my mom and I seem to bump heads most of the time. He actually stepped out of my life so I did not have to choose between marrying him and keeping the relationship with my parents. My parents think he is full of crap and a waste of life. Who are they to judge? I can genuinely say I love Shawn and no one can change that. Anyways we talked, I got to get everything out about school, home, Rodney, my life, my confusions. Then he pummeled me in the snow; which was so cold but it made me smile. I can never catch him when he runs though, damn Mexican lightning. We warmed up in his car and talked about the what if’s and could have been’s of our relationship. That is all they will ever be and we both know that. Shawn will always have a special place in my heart despite other’s opinion of him. When I was at King Soopers I ran into Eddie, a very good friend of Shawn’s. He thought our break up was catastrophic, but o well Eddie’s wife is expecting! Wow. I always have to take a step back to think that that could have been me. I do not look back with regret; I simply just acknowledge it. I know God is leading me.
Then I went and met Sarah at Starbucks where we talked and gossiped. Finally I told her, lets go to the club. Let us go do something instead of just mope around. So, we went and got ready in twenty minutes and left. We went to a club called The Church and ran in to Devon and Jared, the first people we met at the club during winter break. It was nice to see them again but I was out to have a good time so Sarah and I started dancing. This guy comes up behind me and asks what my name is and my favorite song. (My favorite song is not a club song so I threw out the only one I could think of, “Heartless”) He walks up to the DJ and the next song they play is that song. The guy comes back and asks to dance…Of course! He asked if I was thirsty, I said kinda, he left again. He comes back with bottled water from the bar, with the seal still on it. Wow, I am impressed. We go off and talk, he is from France, works in Intelligence for the Army, and speaks six languages; French, English, Portuguese, Arabic, German, Italian. Wow. Now here is someone who makes me feel like I do not do anything.
The next morning I spend with my family, just the way I wanted. Jacob and I made chocolate chip and walnut pancakes, delisciousness! I packed, and just hung around my dad. Him and I ended the evening watching West Side Story, one of his favorites. I had never seen it and vowed I would not watch it until I was with him. Before that, my dad and I went to King Soopers to get fruit and ended up getting ice cream too. We jammed out to songs in the car. I am consciously aware that someday I will not get to do this, someday he or I will not be here, so I want to soak it in. I think that this is something that my mom does not understand, I am not home, and each year my time gets shorter and shorter. I do not want to waste time because once the hourglass is empty; you cannot turn it back over. I wonder how people would live their life if they were conscious of that concept.

The drive back was not so bad. I actually got to sleep. So I got to start the book, 23 Minutes in Hell. I recommend it highly! One of the most influential books I have ever read. It was the major turning point in thinking that Rodney and I should not be together. I want to find someone whose heart is on fire for God and racing toward it. When Rodney and were together I felt sometimes he was a half a step behind me, now I do not even know where he is, I just know it is not next to me and definitely not in front of me.