What is it All For?

March 15, 2009
I feel like it has been so long since I wrote. A lot has happened.

Baseball’s conference opener was on Thursday, we lost. Lost the first game and then went into the fourteenth inning for the second game and lost. Rodney and them were pretty upset. If this is how it is going to be, it is going to be a long season…especially with Cantrell. Most of the Ju-Co players are looking at transferring next year so they do not waste it on this program. I do not blame them. We went from the best in conference to the worst…great move Bethany College…

Friday feels like a complete blur. Like a tear one a piece of paper, nothing but smudges. I have not talked to Shawn. Him and I have not had an actual conversation since Thanksgiving. Every time his number shows up on my phone, my heart feels like it stops beating, along with my breathing. This time, it was not a text about a song that reminded him of me…no, no. (Last October, his sixteen-year-old cousin Amanda was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. I hung out with and knew Amanda. Last February there was a benefit concert held for her. The theme was her own quote, “I Choose Life.” Everyone thought that she was getting better. At 10:28 am, I get the text from Shawn saying, “Since you were the first to know about Amanda, you will be the first to know again. Amanda died last night.” Every time I think of it, I feel sick to my stomach. She was only eighteen and people were optimistic that she was going to beat it. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be with and around Shawn’s family. All I could think about was her at the benefit concert. I knew Amanda and then they wheeled her out, half of her body paralyzed, I crumbled; that was not the Amanda that I knew. I remember looking at Shawn and uncontrollably sobbing as he held me close. How could this of happened? She wanted to be an inspiration, she was not mad at God for having brain cancer, her faith never left her. The funeral is on Wednesday and I want to be there but I gave up my right to be with the family. I am not with Shawn, so it is no longer my place. I feel like I am all alone her though. Rodney says that he is here, and he has gone through this before. I know he has, but I want to be with Shawn. I do not know why I am feeling this way. It is like I am holding in all my tears and sorrows until I see him. I know he is holding his in as well. He and I will not see each other. We will not speak after the mourning of Amanda has dwindled. He and I cannot talk; we cannot be friends…

After hearing the news of Amanda I auto-piloted my life. I was waiting for practice to come so I could focus on something else. I did not even want to see Rodney. After practice, I went and got ready to go hang out with my team. I cannot drink, but they were playing a Canadian drinking game that I want to teach to my siblings. We will play with juice or something. I needed to get my mind off it. It is like a switch went on and I did not want to have a boyfriend. I just wanted it to be me. I wanted the freedom to go out with my girls and not have to report to anyone. If I want to stay out and sleep at Serah’s then I would; I would not have to worry about sharing time. It would just be me.

I woke up on Saturday to Tanya yelling. Apparently, she got a DUI the night before. She was stuck in a cell with twelve guys. She has all these bruises and bite marks on her neck. I did not even know what to say to her. I was just in awe, more dumbfounded than anything. I mean, what do you say to that? So, I went and got brownies, cookies, and ice cream. We had a girl’s night. I honestly did not know what to do. I can’t make it go away, I can try to make her feel better by showing that someone cares about her.

Another thing that I am noticing, everything in my life is routine. Even down to what I eat. The excitement of my life sometimes feels like it is buried in textbooks and dreams of bigger days.

O the Monday morning. I just feel like I am floating from one place to another. I talked with Shawn last night until about one in the morning. He actually said goodbye when I was half asleep. Definitely woke up tired. I needed to get my mind off Amanda. The poster from her benefit concert hangs in my room and I look at it and wonder, “Was it all for nothing?”

On a brighter note, Alex said that ASR positions are available for next year. I came to talk to him about reapplying for an RA/SRA position. The ASR is education based and themed-based among different integrated communities. He said that if there was a dictionary definition of the person he would want to run this it would be me. He said if he could clone me for all the dorms it would be perfect. He is looking at me for Anna Marm or the apartments. I want to go to the apartments to experience it and because the change would be nice. If you are not changing, you are not growing.

When Shawn and I talked last night, I asked him why he picked up the phone. He said because he was pissed about how things ended. He had no control. When he and I were in our relationship, I felt torn between my dreams and him. When I was with Shawn, my dreams did not matter; I just wanted to be with him. I can hear my dad now, “How stupid Anna.” But hot damn, I miss Shawn. I think of him often, we used to have so much fun. The fights and the bickering could have been solved, but I felt like I also had to choose between my family, especially my dad and Shawn. Shawn said he would always be a loser when he came to my dad. He was right, my dad thought he was a waste and Shawn would lose every time if I had to choose between one of them. My dad is my best friend, my rock. He is the biggest role model in my life, even though he will never accept it. When I do something great or I accomplish something, I want him to be the first to know. I want him to be proud of me.

I feel so disoriented. I am going through the motions, waiting for volleyball. Waiting to sweat and feel the pain of my achy joints and muscles. I am waiting to feel alive…It is nice out today; I think I will go for a walk.

Monday Evening:
Everything is better now. I got into the weight room, rode a few miles on the elliptical, jumped, did abs, and played. Now I feel relaxed. My body hurts, it still has not recovered from previous injuries. O well, I cannot feel it when I am playing and that is what counts. Playing went AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! None of these exclamation points expresses the amazingness that was in the gym. I enjoy how much say I get. I do run the workouts but even on the court. I matter; just like every other individual…they matter.

Rodney had a game today against York College. They got ten-runned, again. Not a good season started. He is off doing who knows what. I am here just hanging out, and I am content being by myself.

I do not need someone to complete me. I am enough by myself. I am nowhere close to wanting to be super committed or tied down. I have not done anything yet with my life. I have so much more, I am only scratching the surface of my dream. If I never get there then it all will mean nothing.

You see, in the morning, I can feel depressed but then it just goes away. It has always been like that. I never feel the same about something for a whole day….Plus, I cannot be depressed, there is too much to lose…people count on me to be there with a smile…