Monday, April 13, 2009

Good Friday

Since Easter is one of my top favorite holidays of all time, I wanted to be home for it. I did not get to go home last year because I did not have a car. Rodney is obviously not coming with me. So I convinced Hannah and Ansley to go back since they are from Colorado too. We left Thursday night at 8 pm and drove all through the night. I was glad we left at night, so then I could have another whole day in Colorado instead of half. Ansley drove home that night, but Hannah stayed the night with me.

I had to wake up and take my mom to work in the morning so that I could use her car during the day. I told her about the Africa deal, and she thinks that it is a sign that I should not go. I think otherwise. There are too many things pointing me in this direction. Also, the reason people fundraise and support me is because when I say something is going to happen, that means that no matter what it is going to happen. She does not understand this. I have to go to Africa, to much is riding on this, and this is a once in a lifetime opportunity. This conversation did not start us off on the right foot, but lately when I come home it seems to be like this with her and I.

Hannah and I went swimming at the rec. Spanky and Robert were working. It always makes my day to see Robert, even though he is the most sarcastic ass I have ever met. This is probably why I like him. After we went swimming, we went back to my house to work on homework. Emily gets home from school and almost instantly, we start bickering back and forth with Hannah right there. Emily thinks that since I am home I should take her out to eat. I said, “Absolutely not!” She gets all mad. She has to be the biggest wastes of life I have ever met. My dad agrees with me. She is so selfish; all she knows how to do is take. My mom is so whooped over it, it makes me so mad. Whatever. Then Emily was talking about how mom was so excited for her to go to prom, and how my mom was never excited for me. Emily is right, my mom was never excited for me to go to prom, but honestly, I do not even care. I do in a sense. My senior year, I went to prom with Shawn. So what if my parents did not care, I was able to go with the only person, at the time, I wanted to be in a relationship with. I do not care that my parents were not excited; it was not and still is not their life to live. I sometimes wonder if my mom does “act” happy to see me. I know boys in my family do not.

Friday night, Sarah and I were supposed to go to the club. She was not feeling well so I just met up with her Sunday. Shawn and I met up at Wal-Mart. He had to get some things for his car and I needed to get some stuff too. We walked around and talked. We got to the Easter aisle…I wanted him to walk down it with me so I could find the third bunny to our already existing pair. He said no. I tried to convince him…I went down the aisle by myself. I am thankful he did not go with me. I almost cried. Shawn always made sure that Easter was amazing for me; it was almost as big as our anniversary. We got to the check out and he insisted that he buy my stuff, all ten dollars of it. We walked to the parking lot. He had to go to the King Soopers area to get a haircut. So I said that I would meet him there. I ran into Emily for a second, but she was with her friends, so I, of course, did not matter. Shawn and I talked in his car. It is hard for me mentally and emotionally to see him. I miss him so much, and when he is right in front of me, I feel like my heart skips a beat. Then part of me is sad because I feel like I threw away something. He is convinced he is the blame for everything, that he drove me away. I just wanted to be free and live a little. I was not then and am not ready to settle down yet. One thing I have learned is that there is nothing wrong with it.

We go into Starbucks and Eddie was there. We were in there for probably an hour just laughing and having a good time. Eddie is frightened to say the least about his “soon to be daddy” status. He feels like he was too young, he is only 21-22. He also said that his wife is so moody. That if he did not love her, then he would leave her. I looked at Shawn, laughing, and said, “Good thing our plan of getting married and having babies did not work out. Look at how stressed Eddie is.” Shawn just looked at me. I know that Shawn wanted to spend every minute of his life with me. I wanted that too. Now I do not know what I want. I do not even want to think about commitment, it is just when I am with him that I do. Some days I just want him to move to Kansas and then other days, I am like, “NO.” Later, we go and grab dinner. Then we park in our old high school parking lot, since he is not allowed at my house. In high school, I always said that I was going to dance with him in a parking lot. So when we were done eating, I made him go outside my door. We danced to Far Away by Nickelback. That was going to be our first dance song at the wedding. People said we were too young, yeah we were, but I know what and how I feel, and those feelings are true.

As we are driving back to my car, my mom sends me a text that says, “Did you come home to see your family or to see him?” I was so mad. I wanted to tell her that if I came home to see him then no one would know that I was home at all. Automatically, me seeing Shawn means that him and I are getting back together. I am getting my stuff done, I am a college athlete with an almost 4.0 working three jobs, going to Africa to spread the Word of God, and going to Hawaii to enrich the lives of teens…what more do my parents want, and this all is still not good enough because I talk to Shawn. Who cares my parent’s house sadly revolves around Emily, which is taking away from Zach and Jacob in the worst way. Jacob would not have to be on medication if my parents actually had time to interact with him. Now that I do not live in their house it is easier for me to blow it off. I walk downstairs and my dad thinks that Shawn and I are getting back together as well. How stupid!

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