The Weekend

February 14-15, 2009
Well last year has officially started over again. Today is the home opener for the Bethany College baseball team. They have switched it up though; they are going to play a 1-9 today. Rodney says that if they lose then we are not going to have a Valentine’s Day date. I just laugh and say that I will eat all of his chocolate. I was late getting to the game; I was in that certain mood I had been waiting for so I could write my second blog. The mood came about when I was getting Rodney’s things together for tonight. Specifically I was decorating the bag that his presents were going to go in. I got to the card and I wanted to put little quotes in it so I went on the internet to turn some up. There were a couple that I really liked but then there were two in particular that hit me like a brick wall. One of them said, “Love is Forever…” this is the quote that immediately made me think back to Shawn. It makes me wonder if he and I did ever loved at all. That is silly, I know we did, when it was there we had something but him and I are in different parts of life, both pursuing and loving other people. The second quote was, “You do not marry the one you can life with; you marry the one you can’t live without.” I will admit that sometimes Shawn will cross my mind. Not in a way where I want what we had but I just think about him…if you read the second blog you will be able to see that in a way I felt like I lost more than a boyfriend. Even in my teen years, I feel like I had genuine feelings of love. I lost apart of me, I lost a best friend. Break ups are almost like that other person died because all forms of communication have ceased, and anything that you have ever done together becomes a moment for reminiscing and sometimes tears. This blog that I wrote is grammatically a mess. I told myself that my heart would take over the keyboard and I was going to spill everything that I was feeling at the moment. In all actuality, I knew that if I reread it then I would not post the blog at all; feelings of shame or guilt come as a result of the words. I feel like they are feelings that need to leave me, so I write about them so they can be out in the open. I learned in my first communication class about a Jaharian window, basically I do not want anything to be in the hidden self but for it to be in the open self. I want my life to be an open text, for questions, interpretations and insight. Though there are some things that I am ashamed of, I do not want to feel like I have to hide anything. I felt like that growing up sometimes, I had to hide a thought or feeling that my parents disapproved of. My parents and I always battled when it came to Shawn. I would push back, but they were my parents so I eventually caved in. I wonder what would have happened if I acted only on my feelings instead of how the people around me would have reacted. Do not get me wrong, I do not regret anything, there are things that I wish I would have done differently, but ultimately I cannot change them so I accept them and do not resent them.
Anyways, back to the baseball game…Well I do not know where in the name our baseball team was but it was not focused. I sat by Jenny until she had to go to work and then I went into the press box and controlled the walk out songs for the game. Rodney pitched and he was doing well but for some reason he got pulled, so that a freshman could come in and pitch. Coach said it was because of the left-handed hitter that was up to bat next. However, Rodney had to take the loss for the game. I honestly thought that he and I were not going out to eat but we did. Well, being the romantic couple we are we went to try out this place we had been planning to try out called Coyote Canyon. It is the local version of the Golden Corral. It was okay, but it was no Golden Corral that is for sure. Nonetheless, we decided to have a contest on who could eat the most…silly Rodney. He had me until it was time for dessert. He had a cinnamon roll and a brownie…I had a brownie, a piece of carrot cake, a piece of chocolate cake, some of a piece of hot fudge cake, part of his cinnamon roll with some milk. When it comes to me and dessert there is no such thing as defeat. I wanted to go to Bogey’s afterward so that I could get my milkshake but Rodney was so full that he said no.
When we got back to the house we exchanged gifts. Earlier in the week we had made stuffed animals for each other and then we separately ended up buying chocolate for the other person but we shared. That is when I reached my full point. I could not even move, it hurt to move, I was so full. We watched Blood Diamond, but half way through Rodney fell asleep on his couch. So did Schlepp, he fell asleep with his video game controller in his hand, one of the cutest things I have ever seen.
O side note, I weighed in at 156 this morning, o yeah baby. I have not been this weight since June before my senior year. If I get down to 154 it will be the lightest I have been since I was a freshman in high school! I know it should not matter, but it matters to me…I have a gorgeous mother and a skinny atheletic sister, whether they know it or not it was really hard growing up around it. My awesome weigh-in was the reason I felt the having an eating contest was necessary. Even though, I honestly cannot really tell the difference between me now and me thirteen pounds heavier in September. O well there is much more important things to focus about. I am scared for my next weigh in because I am wandering into unclaimed territory…
The next day I took the time to sleep in. There is a draft that blows in through my window so it is always cold in my room in the morning. I worked out and attempted to do homework, but ended up writing in my other blog. I feel a lot better now that it is out in the open. Shawn read it…he was upset at the first two posts and that is all I heard about it. O and then he concluded with saying that I did not lose anything, I did not want it. I guess if I take a close look at it that is what it is. He is right though, I guess I did not want what he was offering because I was too busy living and thinking of me; that is where my biggest flaw lies. I am aware of this, there are goals that I have in my life and a place where I see myself and nothing will get in the way of that.
Rodney and I talked about academics and he said that he would rather have a social life…and well I never really had a huge social life because I am so wrapped up in school and every other thing there was to do on the planet. Everything comes with a price; I do hang out but not every day, maybe like a day of the week. There is always something that could be done to make you better.
I went to the first game and we killed them, 11-1. I do not know what happened yesterday. Tanya and I went back to my dorm so that I could make the boys cookies for after the game. She and I talked about her and Brian. She also asked me if I knew how much Rodney loved me. I just sheepishly looked at her and said probably not. You see, Rodney is a different kind of man, he is true and honest. There is no such thing as fake feelings with him. It is hard to get his trust and respect and even harder to get his love. I can say that I have one of the good ones. Overall I have never been treated so well. He wants to talk things out, he respects me, he accepts me. There are not even words to describe all the good things he is to me, and there are no words to show how he has ever wronged me…because he has not.
The boys ended up winning the second game and Cantrell finally argued a call, granted it was late, o well. I was excited for him. I can see he really takes this job to heart; he is doing as well as he knows how. I went out and handed out the cookies to them, I cannot describe the feeling that I got; the appreciation. I feel like a team mom but I do not mind it. Rodney lives for baseball and I am doing the best that I can to be apart of it. After the game when we were all sitting around the house, I slipped up and called him a dork. He absolutely hates that name because it was something his older sister used to call him. He has not had a relationship with her in years, because of events that sound like they come from a movie. That word hits him hard…
I went to volleyball, we played for like an hour but then to my surprise Kenneth, Martinez and Ty were out there. Ty and I talked for about an hour. While talking to him I was giving my two sense on how I could beat Kenneth in racquetball with my eyes closed. So he challenged me and I declined but eventually I gave in. I actually was a little weary of it. He was playing with tennis rackets and mine was so heavy. We play to fifteen. 7-12 I finally got focused and in gear and came back and win 16-14. The thought of losing was undoubting but the thought of losing to him would make it all the more worse. The mere thought of him letting me win makes me mad, and as a result I would have to play him again to see. A win means nothing if it is just given to you. Kenneth and I got off to a bad start last fall. We always eye flirted across the caf, well anytime we saw each other my freshman year, but by Christmas when all was said and done we had stopped talking pretty much. I was surprised that he actually talked to me. We kind of talked it out. Rodney hates Kenneth and his girlfriend does not show favor on me either. So we call our racquetball playing an O.N.R; One Night Racquetball. It was fun to get out and do something though. I was just going to come back to my room and do homework anyway. I think we are okay now…I hope we are because I really enjoyed hanging out with him. I did promise that I would no longer trash talk him because he will make me back it up. O and while we were playing I did the splits, not at all on purpose. I enjoy playing with him because he dives all over the floor too, dedication…I enjoy playing sports with people that take the game as serious as I do.
I got back to my room, texted with Shawn a little bit and then talked to his little brother. I miss Geoff, yep; I would dare say that I miss him just as much as Hunter if not sometimes more. I could not even tell you what Shawn and I talked about, really about nothing…it was weird to be talking to him. This is not something that I am pursuing because it hurts Rodney and I know Shawn’s girlfriend is not in favor of it. I told him I would delete the blog if it bothered him but he did not say anything about it. I think him and I talking is a one time thing, we both have, in a sense, moved on. I went to bed without talking to Rodney, he never text me back so I went to bed a little upset.
Mood: Pondering