Day Eleven February 7, 2009
Everyone is probably wondering where all the days and diary entries went…Well that makes a few of us then. Last night I went to go write in for day ten and found that my computer said the file did not exist. How can this be, well I do not know. Actually I am better this morning but last night it brought me to tears about the whole shenanigans. Why? Not just because it is an assignment, I mean it is only a few days. It has nothing to do with that at all. I started this journal before I even knew that it would be an assignment. It is because when I am typing I am pouring out everything I am feeling, leaving nothing out. I do this when I speak as well. Things that I am passionate about just overcome me and I release them, using words the best I can, so that others can know too. However, the bad part, once I talk about them they go away. Not the people but the thoughts and emotions that I felt. I think this was why I was able to go through an unhealthy on/off five year relationship. Because good or bad, once I have experienced it and talked about then it is gone, I was just over it. I am going to try to piece back together what the first week of school looked like, starting with the last day in January. What gets me though is that as I am trying to remember what happened, I am trying to visualize what was on the screen not what is in my mind. I just go blank. Last night, I was desperate to find the file. I even called Shawn, who is a computer genius, (well that felt weird to type his name…wow…) Anyways, I was surprised that he even picked up at all. The last time I saw him was the last night I was in CO and we both ended up at the same party. He was there with his girlfriend. Honestly, I do not think I was completely over him until I saw them together. It was not a painful thing for me to see, but I needed to see it so that we could both move on. I wanted to stay friends because he had been in my life so long. I realize we can’t be friends; we can’t be anything but the past to each other. Too much has happened. I mean he saw me walk through the door and I knew he felt sick, because he got up and left; went to go find alcohol and drink away my memory. That happened a lot at the end of our relationship. How awkward it must have been to see us; his first love and his new love in the same room. I wanted to talk to him…but I did not even try nor did he. I am completely content with Rodney, I have a good honest man that pushes me to my limits, and never goes astray. But something about that first young love, it is something not like any other. When you are young there is no such thing as obstacles and stress, well in a sense. He and I thought that, even though everyone was against us, we were going to make it. I dropped the ball. I will admit that it is my fault that we everything ended, well the way it ended anyway. It is for the better though. He hit a plateau and I never stopped growing, and I needed someone that would grow with me. I needed someone that would treat me like a human being and not like a princess. I did love that but in reality this is not a fairy tale. In my opinion, it is two people who are different people themselves, that are able to come together through compromise because they enjoy each other and depend on them and love them. Not to pamper and please. Just to be there and be functional. This is not what I think love is but it is the closest thing to defining a intimate relationship. Honestly, all a girl ever wants is to know she is the only one, is being told the truth, and can depend on someone. Those men are hard to find. I think I found a man like that in my life. I know what to look for because my dad is one of these men as well. It is one of the worst feelings in the world to not feel good enough, like something is wrong with you. My battle with weight derived from being cheated on countless times all by the same guy. I thought that it was me, when in all reality it was him. I do not have to worry about that anymore. I also do not have to worry about someone kissing my ass to prove their love for me. I have someone that I can feel it and I do not have to be constantly told to make me feel at ease.
Wow, I think I wrote nothing the same as I did last night. However, I will save these entries on TWO separate hard drives. Lord, God knows that I could not tell you half of what I just said if I did not have it in front of me. O well. Say it and get on with living!
Well let me try my best to piece together my life starting at
January 31, 2009 Day Four of the medication…
Well…tonight is supposed to be our big date night tonight. But he has baseball. No worries, it is baseball season now. Even though all they are doing is BP. I have no idea what happened during the day but around six in the evening, I finally got my hair to curl and stay. My mom is a genius; she bought the curling iron and the new hairspray. She is so much better at this girl thing than I am. I mean every time up through high school when I wanted my hair curled, she would do it. It should be embarrassing to admit but I was off doing other things and I honestly did not want to practice it. It was perfect every time. So I am learning to do things with my hair since she is not here. The hair and outfit are the biggest part of the decision making for a date. I have not gone wardrobe shopping since before college. Maybe this Spring…Anyways, we decided to go to Tucson’s. I had a good weigh in, so this is my one meal to indulge. I may seem to eat very little, that is because I am trying to be healthy. Boy can I get down on some food. I had a half pound bacon cheeseburger with steak fries. They bring you bread and that was delicious, o and cannot forget the appetizer; potato skins. O it was so good. But I was still hungry, so then we went to Bogey’s and I got, wait for it…a chocolate chip cookie dough with banana and Oreo milk shake. It is one of the best things EVER! I was on duty that night so he dropped me off after dinner and I went and hung out with Josie and the gang for a bit. Now I remember what I did during the day, I cleaned every crevice of my room, even the drawers and under the bed. I do not like to mess around when it comes to cleaning. You either do it all perfect or you do not do it at all. That is one thing I learned from my dad. If you are going to half ass something then do not do it at all. If you do your best, then the best product will come as a result. This is why I am so hard on my self when it comes to grades. I believe that if I do my best, truly my best that I should never get anything less than an A. Do I struggle in classes, you bet. That is what makes the A mean something. The struggle is what is rewarding, normally at the sign of struggle people give up, not him…so then not me. It is not just on the court where I want to win
Side note- My dad is the person that I look up to the most. We have had our disagreements but Lord have mercy he has been right every damn time. I used to think he was controlling every big decision I had to make. That whatever made him happy was the choice I was suppose to make. I look back and it was never like that at all. He sees things that I can’t. (No, not dead people.) He can see the obstacles ahead, which I am sometimes naïve and cannot see. If anyone asks me what was the best decision I ever made, it would be going out of state for college; something that I did not want to do but I trusted both of my parents. Like is all about the journey to getting to where you want to be, not the destination. There were times where my mom should have probably kicked me down the stairs, God I was a stupid teenager that knew everything. She was there for me when I did not want her there and now she is here for me all the time. So when all is said and done, and I reach the top…I will take my hat off to them. Sure, I had to do the things to get there but they directed me, loved me, and showed me. Side note within a side note; this medication makes me emotional. Not mean or moody but mellow and well I just think a lot.
Day Five: Super Bowl Sunday is here. Well we had practice and that went well. However, I did not get out of the gym until after five and then I had to go and get ready. Rodney, me, Brian, and Tanya all went to a bar called Legends to watch the Super Bowl. The bar had an all you can eat buffet; with chips, little smokies in barbeque sauce, Swedish meatballs, stuffed jalapenos, wings, and popcorn chicken. Well I tried everything. I actually kind of liked the barbeque sauce, I know weird right. The stuffed jalapenos were not spicy or anything but they were good but I only had two and gave Rodney the other one. After let’s be gracious and say two rounds of the buffet, Rodney sneaks and orders us a Brownie with ice cream and with the works sundae. I was craving one, so it was weird that he knew. I probably told him. O my word it was glorious! After the Super Bowl we went back to his house and made a pan of brownies; triple chocolate. You see, Rodney and I strictly watch what we eat during the week. We both like I said have one cheat meal. Yeah, well we also have this philosophy that if we do it together then there it is not being fatties. My mood that night was craving brownies…and they were good!
All I remember about Monday, day six, is me being stressed because I was calling doctors, nurses, optometrists in two different states, while trying to figure all this out with my parents since we switched insurance. We had practice today which was not bad at all. I had to do my lifting early because we have a meeting tonight. I LOVE Alex. I am so glad Kattie is gone. I feel like I can breath and not have to worry about being stabbed in the back by my own boss. That meeting lasted until eleven. We were talking about programming and the works. I am going to be on duty a lot, but I do not mind it.
Rodney came over and he left around mid night and then I went to sleep. I could not sleep because my refrigerator was making obnoxious noises, something like a lawn mower. It would not have bothered me so much but when I put the elliptical in my room; I moved my refrigerator into my bedroom so it could hold the TV. So it is literally less than five feet away from me.
Day Seven: The first day of class has arrived!
Well I started out with Learning. I was a little hesitant because I have heard from my peers that this teacher was not the greatest. Not because she does not know anything but I heard that she got upset easy and sometimes looked down upon students. It is a new semester and a lot could have changed. Douglas said, before I even knew of her, that I would like her. She worked with dolphins and has a master’s degree in Animal Behavior. I think that if I go to grad school I want to get my degree in Animal Behavior as well. I want to study killer whales, well actually I want to interact with them; touch them, swim with them, feed them. That has been my dream since I was six. Yeah, I still want to be a motivational speaker. However, I cannot encourage people to follow their dreams and goals if I do not follow mine. Anyways this new teacher says that we might get to be working with dogs, in hands on learning experience. I like her already. I think she came in with a bad rap to the class, as I studied her I saw that she is really is doing the best she can, she is smiling and changing the tone of her voice. She even interprets a dog’s yelp, so this shows she is trying to engage with us which is something every teacher needs to do. She is from Indiana and her husband is their. I think people are allowed to have bad weeks especially if she lives alone and her only contact with people is her students and coworkers. She drives back in the weekends but even still long distance relationships are hard. College is not only hard for students but it is also hard for teachers. They have lives outside of us, but her life is only on the weekends…I already told myself that if she publically tries to criticize me for trying in class, I am going to be nice and tell her that it is not appropriate that we are not animals, we are people. She chastised kids last year because they were not grasping concepts quick enough. So I am going to be nice, if it does happen. Now onto Isaacson, dun dun dun. No really, even though he and I always seem to butt heads in one way or another, but it is good for the both of us. I like to think we challenge each other. I already know I am going to love this class. Even though there is a research paper, yuck! There is also a relationship map. It is only 100 points but I have not stopped sketching ideas. I just keep getting new ideas.
We conditioned today. I feel like Lisa, in a sense, last year she was the in tip top shape. I am not saying that I am because I have a ways to go but I am first now. Instead of in the bottom half, I get to be the leader even though Coach runs her team on a senior favorite basis. I get to push them, and I can back it up with my work ethic. I think this is something that rubbed on me from Rodney. When we got done I went in to the training room to fill up my water bottle. I felt bad; Stone went to touch my face. (My face already is red and feels like it is on fire.) I tell him nothing can touch my face. Sharp, then asks why. I tell him I am on Accutane. “Oh…I was on that,” he says. I start telling him about it. Everyone is talking and I am smiling and everything. He looks at me as I was walking out and says, “Your weird.” I look at him and say, “No, I am Anna Alexis, I do not know how to be anything else.” “Anna?” I look at him as he says, “Bye.” I wave but then go on my merry way. I think I left a good first impression. Everyone assumes that since I am on this medication my life stops because my face is the same color as my lips. I may look bad, but I am okay. Sure my body takes a longer time to recover from working out, but I am still on the top of my game. That is how I do things. My coach always asks me how I am feeling, if I am okay. I love being able to say yes! It shows that I can be highly medicated and still perform well in every aspect of my life.
Rodney does not say anything but I know he does not like what the medication is doing to me. It is okay, I do not judge him for that. He sees that it hurts me, and so as a result he does not like it. In a way, he is treating me like I am a glass object. He does not want to rough house around because he is afraid something will touch my face and hurt me. I am constantly wearing Chap Stick so kissing me is not always a joy. And then after we kiss, I have to hurry and put more on. I stopped using the cherry because it would just sit on my lips. I think it still bothers him. He jokingly said that he would break up with me when I get my glasses. I just laughed. Joking with me is his way of dealing with it. He sees that I cannot open my mouth very far, so eating a Subway sandwich is almost impossible. He and I talked about it when I got off work today. He said that he will try to better. I think he is surprised that I am taking this so well. I mean I usually am the one who is fawning over what I see in the mirror in a negative way. Of course I see it, but I know I am in control of my reaction.
Mood: Time for Bed.
Day Eight February 4, 2009
My schedule this semester makes it to where I have a 9:10 class every day; which will keep me in a routine but I liked last year being able to sleep in on Tuesday and Thursday. O well. Thinking and Writing-I already feel like I am going to do well in this class. It is a gen ed requirement and I should of taken it my freshman year but everything happens for a reason. The only thing that is going to get me is my grammar. I can write a hell of a paper, but punctuation means nothing to me. I had a teacher in this fall, who is one of my favorite teachers of all time, said that I can write however I want because I will have an editor do it for me in the future. So every paper I wrote, I wrote just like I am now. I would type it, read it over again to make sure I said exactly what I needed to say then I turned it in. It was graded on content not grammar! Golden!
Rodney and I made a bet in the previous semester that I could not get an A in a class with Dr. Yorton. It seems interesting. I have him for Logic. So far we are breaking down the premises and conclusions of arguments. Like a proposition is a string of arguments. He said that by the end of the semester we should be able to break down an entire five page paper to see if it all makes sense. This sounds like torture, but to me it sounds so fun. To be able to know an entire essay is a sound argument because you know how to break it down. I just hope it is something I can achieve. I mean I struggle with these concepts but each time I get better. We will see. I leave his homework until the day before class so that it will be fresh in my mind and I can understand it.
I ordered and paid for my glasses today. Heavens! I was there forever. But the Matt guy that I had been talking to takes really good care of me. He was the only one on staff and there was a plethora of needy individuals. He was straight up with me and got me the best deal. He went to tell me what he recommended for lenses and I said that I trusted him to pick. Any man that will go out of there way for a stranger to help, no matter how big or small, can be trusted; well at least to me in this situation. As a result, I did not make it into work. O well this was mildly important.
Mood: Wiped Out
Day Nine: February 5, 2009
This is the first morning that I woke up feeling refreshed. I usually get up at least once to use the restroom. I think I was just so exhausted from the previous day’s events, either way I feel rested today. Learning went well. I grasped what I needed to from the reading. She made a study guide and we had good class discussion. Then I went and had lunch with Rodney. He leaves tomorrow for Oklahoma.
I was surprised to find out that Interpersonal goes until 3:15. I thought it ended at 2:50. The class never drags on so I do not feel like the extra time is a form of cruel and unusual punishment. However, we started practice at three today. I ran in the weight room when I got done, telling coach I had class and that I thought we were practicing at 3:30, like always. We did agility after that which was FUN. I think it is because I am in shape so I am not dying or tired. I honestly, do not understand how athletes can go months without working out. Personally, I would gain a bunch of unwanted weight, so that is why I continue to workout all year round. Abs was KILLER. But I love that sore, tired feeling that muscles get, because it means that we are using them. However, my hip flexor really hurts. Which is odd and painful but I try to stretch it. Coach and I talked about me coming in early to do a few lifts so that when I got into the weight room then I could lift with the team but still accomplish everything. I love that she is so flexible and understanding. It makes me want to work hard for her. It is also a big change from last year. Do not get me wrong, I do like Crutcher. That was just because she was brutal. I felt like all of my volleyball talent would come out because she demanded nothing less than the best. Stephenson has a different approach. I like how if you want to succeed and get better then you come to her to help you. She does not force or pressure you to do anything you do not want to do. These are two very effective coaching styles just very different. Crutcher held grudges, and if you got on her bad side then that was it for your playing time. Brit was not going to play because of credits, but Laughery was not going to play because she got on her bad side. I was being molded into the second outside. Last Spring I was in the gym four times a day; more out of fear and meanness than desire. I wanted to play, I wanted to win…It did not matter the cost or who was affected. This season was different. It seemed that seniors rule everything, which is something that I did not particularly like. I did not mind it in this past season but it is affecting me now. I think this is because I have been her just as long as Leah has. We are the only one’s left from the original season. (There is Josie but she is in track and we will not see her training with us until August.) It is like we are not all equal; that the seniors are on top and then there is the rest of us, like it is all about making this year perfect for the seniors. It is okay that she wants to make it the best year for them, so do I, because I love our seniors but I also want to be treated as an equal member of the team. Captains should be based on Leadership not on Seniority, well either way I would be a captain then. I think we need to have two permanent captains to lead the team. Like I just stated, captains are leaders and it is an important role, it means the team depends on you on and off the court.
We played tonight. I was semi happy with the way that I played but I had to leave early. Coach said I did some nice things, which means something to me. I want to work my butt off to be a starting outside for her. Grade level will not matter next year. I will be there because I am better, I am vocal, I will be dependable. I want to be apart of the team not just on the team. I just have to work hard and prove it to her, to my teammates, and to myself.
Day Ten: Friday, February 6, 2009
Rodney left this morning. He will be gone the whole weekend. I am going to like this because I can get a lot of stuff done before school gets really hectic; like cleaning and shopping for necessities in my dorm. I have accepted that shopping is for me and baseball video games are for him.
We did not have Thinking and Writing today but we did have Logic. I am struggling because I am finding mildly difficult to stay focused. My mind is wandering, I am trying to grasp the concepts but I know that I will not truly understand them until I read it outside of class. So I think what I am going to do is read ahead, then he will talk about it in class, then I will read it again. Somehow if I move my arms and speak out loud I understand things better. I am doing this not for an A but because I want to understand what he is talking about, I want to learn and execute what I learned in the future. I mean if I grasp it, an A will com regardless. College to me is getting to take classes you are interested in. I want to actually learn not just come to class because I am required to.
I was supposed to run outside today but it is windy and the doctor said that I have to watch out for wind burn more than I do sun burn. In Kansas it is windy most of the time. I rode the elliptical instead, which I enjoyed anyway. Then I did not have to ride it when I got back to my dorm. I told Leah that we should play Sunday instead of Saturday to give our bodies one day of rest. She said no… but I heard we are playing on Sunday anyways. Thankfully. I needed the break. I do not think she understands that this medication wipes me out. I give every ounce of energy, I have six days a week. I just need one day. Also everyone has lives outside of volleyball. I am dedicated but I also have school, work, other responsibilities, a boyfriend, and I need my own time for me. I need to talk to my coach about this too. Some days we do a workout and then come back for another workout instead of doing it all in one. I have to do it all in one. Because I give everything I have and when I leave the gym, I do not want to come back and do anything except play. I just use all my energy. Especially after dinner, I take that second pill and I just want to relax. With my busy schedule that is never a possibility.
One of my friends came to me to talk. I was getting ready for the play and attempting to scrunch my hair (WHICH WORKED AND LOOKED AWESOME. I do not know how to do anything with my hair, so this is a big step.) We started talking about weight and I told her what I was doing eating wise. She says that it hard to be in the caf and want to loose weight when you sit with my friends. Which it is, Josie has a metabolism, she goes through three to four plates of food every meal, and never gains an ounce. Everyone is different but I eat with them rarely because I started getting called anorexic because I would only eat a sandwich with a side dish of fruit. I said she needs to eat with me; she is in track so she has the workout part down. I befriended her. She said she felt so bad for me. I said why and she replied because of how my face looks. It honestly took me by surprise. I do not feel sorry for myself and honestly, whether I am in denial or acceptance, my face does not really bother me that much. I just know someday it will not be like this and it will be better.
We went to see the musical. Gabe was sitting by himself so I offered that he come and sit with us. I am very friendly this semester and I am not afraid to engage in people’s lives. I like it. The Musical was AWESOME. I am taking Rodney next weekend to see it!
Here is when the dilemma started; when my original Accutane file was erased. After rewriting all of this, I feel better. I may have missed some details but I feel like this one is better than the original anyway.
I went to midnight movie even though I was not quite up to it because loosing all of this information. I took Carrie to see He’s Just Not That Into You. It was awesome. I am going to buy it. I was going between that movie and Taken. Rodney wants to see Taken, so I am going to wait. I knew that he would not enjoy this movie as much, this is a chick flick. I lost my phone in my purse, making it twice in one day. Honestly, this day did not go well at the end. I was crying because I lost my file, and then my phone, I thought I was losing my mind. Went to bed upset.
Day Eleven: Back to where we started. After doing all the homework I could muster for that day I went shopping. For clothes? No I wish! I went the thrift store and bought mixing bowls and a coffee table to set my stack of electronics on. My refrigerator now does not sound like lawn mower. (My mom had this genius idea). Then to the Dollar Store, I found stickers that match my shower curtain so now there is an array of Gerber daisies in my bathroom. Then to Wal-Mart where I felt like half of my life went by me since I was in there so long. I bought cooking supplies, cookie sheets, and an array of different items. I swear when I need stuff it ends up turning into a hundred dollar day. I bought all of this because I am going to be learning to bake. I am using the baseball team as my subjects. I love our baseball boys and I am in love with Number 29 or RodneyBear as I like to call him. I also want this to be the best senior year for Rodney. I know how much baseball means to him. So I just want to give him the best, as best as I can. Will baking change anything, maybe not but hey I will learn, people will enjoy, and who knows what will come of it.
I weighed in exactly the same as last week which did not bother me because after the weekend splurge from the previous weekend I am grateful. I went to Bogey’s for my treat; a chocolate chip cookie dough and banana with Oreo; a taste of heaven because it gets me every time. I usually demolish it within ten minutes but I ate a little, unloaded the car, and then savored it. Took me thirty minutes, oh it was delightfully delicious. I cleaned and cleaned the rest of the night. Talked with Rodney, he comes home tomorrow night. He was on Brian’s phone since Rodney forgot his charger. I tell him to make a list, but no. Its okay at least he got all the important stuff. I talked with Brian a little. He and I have a complex relationship and he is completely unaware. He is excited for me to start cooking. I think if we all pitch in then everything will work out smoothly. That is probably not going to happen since he has not paid a single utilities bill. I really do like Brian, he is sweet and funny. He is a lot of things. He is also lazy and depends on others to do things for him. It might be because we are opposites in this. I always believed, well I was taught; never let anyone do something for you that you can do by yourself. Why? Because they will mess it up. So when I was a freshman in high school and there was a 53-foot semi-trailer to unload into our new house, who did it; my dad and I. In student government, I put on an entire Pep assembly by myself, and it was keenly brilliant. The way I incorporated every event to flow together to encompass the Homecoming Theme. None of the students know the brilliance of the intertwining events…but I do. I struggle with this as well. I had Rodney come over to help me position my room since I brought an elliptical back to school with me. And like every other time I have asked him, he sits there. Not because he does not want to help but because I nonverbally communicate that I do not want his help. I do this by moving everything myself and never once asking him for help. I have a hard time asking for help; it makes me feel like I am inadequate. He just keeps me company which is why I think I invite him over anyway. Back to Brian, I pondered what is it that bugs me so much about him. I figured out that it is because I have a little sister who does the same thing he does. She has everything, she is smart, a future Division I volleyball player. I am so proud of her. She lives on the philosophy, “Why do anything if you can get someone else to do it for you.” I am going to be patient with Brian. It is very plausible that if Rodney and I continue our relationship, Brian will be our roommate in the future which is not something I look forward too unless Brian makes a big change into becoming a “big boy” or adult.
I was trying to sleep but my Relationship Map for class keeps running through my mind. If it comes out the way it is in my head, it is going to be stunner!
Mood: Accomplished.
Thus far in the week my symptoms are mainly just the red in my face, my face is the same color as my lips. Some acne but only three of four pimples have shown up since I started the treatment. My face is generally clear just the scars. I itch, mainly around the base of my face, upper neck and head. I have a wind burn on my right leg. I have to put lotion on twice a day to avoid from itching everywhere. Accidently scratched my nose and I have a scar there now. My body feels constantly sore somewhere. My mouth is not noticeably dry. My nose is starting to dry out. My eyes are dry almost all of the time, with mild bearable irritation. I use my Aquaphor constantly. My lips are very dry but are still normal looking and soft as a result of the Aquaphor.
Everyone is probably wondering where all the days and diary entries went…Well that makes a few of us then. Last night I went to go write in for day ten and found that my computer said the file did not exist. How can this be, well I do not know. Actually I am better this morning but last night it brought me to tears about the whole shenanigans. Why? Not just because it is an assignment, I mean it is only a few days. It has nothing to do with that at all. I started this journal before I even knew that it would be an assignment. It is because when I am typing I am pouring out everything I am feeling, leaving nothing out. I do this when I speak as well. Things that I am passionate about just overcome me and I release them, using words the best I can, so that others can know too. However, the bad part, once I talk about them they go away. Not the people but the thoughts and emotions that I felt. I think this was why I was able to go through an unhealthy on/off five year relationship. Because good or bad, once I have experienced it and talked about then it is gone, I was just over it. I am going to try to piece back together what the first week of school looked like, starting with the last day in January. What gets me though is that as I am trying to remember what happened, I am trying to visualize what was on the screen not what is in my mind. I just go blank. Last night, I was desperate to find the file. I even called Shawn, who is a computer genius, (well that felt weird to type his name…wow…) Anyways, I was surprised that he even picked up at all. The last time I saw him was the last night I was in CO and we both ended up at the same party. He was there with his girlfriend. Honestly, I do not think I was completely over him until I saw them together. It was not a painful thing for me to see, but I needed to see it so that we could both move on. I wanted to stay friends because he had been in my life so long. I realize we can’t be friends; we can’t be anything but the past to each other. Too much has happened. I mean he saw me walk through the door and I knew he felt sick, because he got up and left; went to go find alcohol and drink away my memory. That happened a lot at the end of our relationship. How awkward it must have been to see us; his first love and his new love in the same room. I wanted to talk to him…but I did not even try nor did he. I am completely content with Rodney, I have a good honest man that pushes me to my limits, and never goes astray. But something about that first young love, it is something not like any other. When you are young there is no such thing as obstacles and stress, well in a sense. He and I thought that, even though everyone was against us, we were going to make it. I dropped the ball. I will admit that it is my fault that we everything ended, well the way it ended anyway. It is for the better though. He hit a plateau and I never stopped growing, and I needed someone that would grow with me. I needed someone that would treat me like a human being and not like a princess. I did love that but in reality this is not a fairy tale. In my opinion, it is two people who are different people themselves, that are able to come together through compromise because they enjoy each other and depend on them and love them. Not to pamper and please. Just to be there and be functional. This is not what I think love is but it is the closest thing to defining a intimate relationship. Honestly, all a girl ever wants is to know she is the only one, is being told the truth, and can depend on someone. Those men are hard to find. I think I found a man like that in my life. I know what to look for because my dad is one of these men as well. It is one of the worst feelings in the world to not feel good enough, like something is wrong with you. My battle with weight derived from being cheated on countless times all by the same guy. I thought that it was me, when in all reality it was him. I do not have to worry about that anymore. I also do not have to worry about someone kissing my ass to prove their love for me. I have someone that I can feel it and I do not have to be constantly told to make me feel at ease.
Wow, I think I wrote nothing the same as I did last night. However, I will save these entries on TWO separate hard drives. Lord, God knows that I could not tell you half of what I just said if I did not have it in front of me. O well. Say it and get on with living!
Well let me try my best to piece together my life starting at
January 31, 2009 Day Four of the medication…
Well…tonight is supposed to be our big date night tonight. But he has baseball. No worries, it is baseball season now. Even though all they are doing is BP. I have no idea what happened during the day but around six in the evening, I finally got my hair to curl and stay. My mom is a genius; she bought the curling iron and the new hairspray. She is so much better at this girl thing than I am. I mean every time up through high school when I wanted my hair curled, she would do it. It should be embarrassing to admit but I was off doing other things and I honestly did not want to practice it. It was perfect every time. So I am learning to do things with my hair since she is not here. The hair and outfit are the biggest part of the decision making for a date. I have not gone wardrobe shopping since before college. Maybe this Spring…Anyways, we decided to go to Tucson’s. I had a good weigh in, so this is my one meal to indulge. I may seem to eat very little, that is because I am trying to be healthy. Boy can I get down on some food. I had a half pound bacon cheeseburger with steak fries. They bring you bread and that was delicious, o and cannot forget the appetizer; potato skins. O it was so good. But I was still hungry, so then we went to Bogey’s and I got, wait for it…a chocolate chip cookie dough with banana and Oreo milk shake. It is one of the best things EVER! I was on duty that night so he dropped me off after dinner and I went and hung out with Josie and the gang for a bit. Now I remember what I did during the day, I cleaned every crevice of my room, even the drawers and under the bed. I do not like to mess around when it comes to cleaning. You either do it all perfect or you do not do it at all. That is one thing I learned from my dad. If you are going to half ass something then do not do it at all. If you do your best, then the best product will come as a result. This is why I am so hard on my self when it comes to grades. I believe that if I do my best, truly my best that I should never get anything less than an A. Do I struggle in classes, you bet. That is what makes the A mean something. The struggle is what is rewarding, normally at the sign of struggle people give up, not him…so then not me. It is not just on the court where I want to win
Side note- My dad is the person that I look up to the most. We have had our disagreements but Lord have mercy he has been right every damn time. I used to think he was controlling every big decision I had to make. That whatever made him happy was the choice I was suppose to make. I look back and it was never like that at all. He sees things that I can’t. (No, not dead people.) He can see the obstacles ahead, which I am sometimes naïve and cannot see. If anyone asks me what was the best decision I ever made, it would be going out of state for college; something that I did not want to do but I trusted both of my parents. Like is all about the journey to getting to where you want to be, not the destination. There were times where my mom should have probably kicked me down the stairs, God I was a stupid teenager that knew everything. She was there for me when I did not want her there and now she is here for me all the time. So when all is said and done, and I reach the top…I will take my hat off to them. Sure, I had to do the things to get there but they directed me, loved me, and showed me. Side note within a side note; this medication makes me emotional. Not mean or moody but mellow and well I just think a lot.
Day Five: Super Bowl Sunday is here. Well we had practice and that went well. However, I did not get out of the gym until after five and then I had to go and get ready. Rodney, me, Brian, and Tanya all went to a bar called Legends to watch the Super Bowl. The bar had an all you can eat buffet; with chips, little smokies in barbeque sauce, Swedish meatballs, stuffed jalapenos, wings, and popcorn chicken. Well I tried everything. I actually kind of liked the barbeque sauce, I know weird right. The stuffed jalapenos were not spicy or anything but they were good but I only had two and gave Rodney the other one. After let’s be gracious and say two rounds of the buffet, Rodney sneaks and orders us a Brownie with ice cream and with the works sundae. I was craving one, so it was weird that he knew. I probably told him. O my word it was glorious! After the Super Bowl we went back to his house and made a pan of brownies; triple chocolate. You see, Rodney and I strictly watch what we eat during the week. We both like I said have one cheat meal. Yeah, well we also have this philosophy that if we do it together then there it is not being fatties. My mood that night was craving brownies…and they were good!
All I remember about Monday, day six, is me being stressed because I was calling doctors, nurses, optometrists in two different states, while trying to figure all this out with my parents since we switched insurance. We had practice today which was not bad at all. I had to do my lifting early because we have a meeting tonight. I LOVE Alex. I am so glad Kattie is gone. I feel like I can breath and not have to worry about being stabbed in the back by my own boss. That meeting lasted until eleven. We were talking about programming and the works. I am going to be on duty a lot, but I do not mind it.
Rodney came over and he left around mid night and then I went to sleep. I could not sleep because my refrigerator was making obnoxious noises, something like a lawn mower. It would not have bothered me so much but when I put the elliptical in my room; I moved my refrigerator into my bedroom so it could hold the TV. So it is literally less than five feet away from me.
Day Seven: The first day of class has arrived!
Well I started out with Learning. I was a little hesitant because I have heard from my peers that this teacher was not the greatest. Not because she does not know anything but I heard that she got upset easy and sometimes looked down upon students. It is a new semester and a lot could have changed. Douglas said, before I even knew of her, that I would like her. She worked with dolphins and has a master’s degree in Animal Behavior. I think that if I go to grad school I want to get my degree in Animal Behavior as well. I want to study killer whales, well actually I want to interact with them; touch them, swim with them, feed them. That has been my dream since I was six. Yeah, I still want to be a motivational speaker. However, I cannot encourage people to follow their dreams and goals if I do not follow mine. Anyways this new teacher says that we might get to be working with dogs, in hands on learning experience. I like her already. I think she came in with a bad rap to the class, as I studied her I saw that she is really is doing the best she can, she is smiling and changing the tone of her voice. She even interprets a dog’s yelp, so this shows she is trying to engage with us which is something every teacher needs to do. She is from Indiana and her husband is their. I think people are allowed to have bad weeks especially if she lives alone and her only contact with people is her students and coworkers. She drives back in the weekends but even still long distance relationships are hard. College is not only hard for students but it is also hard for teachers. They have lives outside of us, but her life is only on the weekends…I already told myself that if she publically tries to criticize me for trying in class, I am going to be nice and tell her that it is not appropriate that we are not animals, we are people. She chastised kids last year because they were not grasping concepts quick enough. So I am going to be nice, if it does happen. Now onto Isaacson, dun dun dun. No really, even though he and I always seem to butt heads in one way or another, but it is good for the both of us. I like to think we challenge each other. I already know I am going to love this class. Even though there is a research paper, yuck! There is also a relationship map. It is only 100 points but I have not stopped sketching ideas. I just keep getting new ideas.
We conditioned today. I feel like Lisa, in a sense, last year she was the in tip top shape. I am not saying that I am because I have a ways to go but I am first now. Instead of in the bottom half, I get to be the leader even though Coach runs her team on a senior favorite basis. I get to push them, and I can back it up with my work ethic. I think this is something that rubbed on me from Rodney. When we got done I went in to the training room to fill up my water bottle. I felt bad; Stone went to touch my face. (My face already is red and feels like it is on fire.) I tell him nothing can touch my face. Sharp, then asks why. I tell him I am on Accutane. “Oh…I was on that,” he says. I start telling him about it. Everyone is talking and I am smiling and everything. He looks at me as I was walking out and says, “Your weird.” I look at him and say, “No, I am Anna Alexis, I do not know how to be anything else.” “Anna?” I look at him as he says, “Bye.” I wave but then go on my merry way. I think I left a good first impression. Everyone assumes that since I am on this medication my life stops because my face is the same color as my lips. I may look bad, but I am okay. Sure my body takes a longer time to recover from working out, but I am still on the top of my game. That is how I do things. My coach always asks me how I am feeling, if I am okay. I love being able to say yes! It shows that I can be highly medicated and still perform well in every aspect of my life.
Rodney does not say anything but I know he does not like what the medication is doing to me. It is okay, I do not judge him for that. He sees that it hurts me, and so as a result he does not like it. In a way, he is treating me like I am a glass object. He does not want to rough house around because he is afraid something will touch my face and hurt me. I am constantly wearing Chap Stick so kissing me is not always a joy. And then after we kiss, I have to hurry and put more on. I stopped using the cherry because it would just sit on my lips. I think it still bothers him. He jokingly said that he would break up with me when I get my glasses. I just laughed. Joking with me is his way of dealing with it. He sees that I cannot open my mouth very far, so eating a Subway sandwich is almost impossible. He and I talked about it when I got off work today. He said that he will try to better. I think he is surprised that I am taking this so well. I mean I usually am the one who is fawning over what I see in the mirror in a negative way. Of course I see it, but I know I am in control of my reaction.
Mood: Time for Bed.
Day Eight February 4, 2009
My schedule this semester makes it to where I have a 9:10 class every day; which will keep me in a routine but I liked last year being able to sleep in on Tuesday and Thursday. O well. Thinking and Writing-I already feel like I am going to do well in this class. It is a gen ed requirement and I should of taken it my freshman year but everything happens for a reason. The only thing that is going to get me is my grammar. I can write a hell of a paper, but punctuation means nothing to me. I had a teacher in this fall, who is one of my favorite teachers of all time, said that I can write however I want because I will have an editor do it for me in the future. So every paper I wrote, I wrote just like I am now. I would type it, read it over again to make sure I said exactly what I needed to say then I turned it in. It was graded on content not grammar! Golden!
Rodney and I made a bet in the previous semester that I could not get an A in a class with Dr. Yorton. It seems interesting. I have him for Logic. So far we are breaking down the premises and conclusions of arguments. Like a proposition is a string of arguments. He said that by the end of the semester we should be able to break down an entire five page paper to see if it all makes sense. This sounds like torture, but to me it sounds so fun. To be able to know an entire essay is a sound argument because you know how to break it down. I just hope it is something I can achieve. I mean I struggle with these concepts but each time I get better. We will see. I leave his homework until the day before class so that it will be fresh in my mind and I can understand it.
I ordered and paid for my glasses today. Heavens! I was there forever. But the Matt guy that I had been talking to takes really good care of me. He was the only one on staff and there was a plethora of needy individuals. He was straight up with me and got me the best deal. He went to tell me what he recommended for lenses and I said that I trusted him to pick. Any man that will go out of there way for a stranger to help, no matter how big or small, can be trusted; well at least to me in this situation. As a result, I did not make it into work. O well this was mildly important.
Mood: Wiped Out
Day Nine: February 5, 2009
This is the first morning that I woke up feeling refreshed. I usually get up at least once to use the restroom. I think I was just so exhausted from the previous day’s events, either way I feel rested today. Learning went well. I grasped what I needed to from the reading. She made a study guide and we had good class discussion. Then I went and had lunch with Rodney. He leaves tomorrow for Oklahoma.
I was surprised to find out that Interpersonal goes until 3:15. I thought it ended at 2:50. The class never drags on so I do not feel like the extra time is a form of cruel and unusual punishment. However, we started practice at three today. I ran in the weight room when I got done, telling coach I had class and that I thought we were practicing at 3:30, like always. We did agility after that which was FUN. I think it is because I am in shape so I am not dying or tired. I honestly, do not understand how athletes can go months without working out. Personally, I would gain a bunch of unwanted weight, so that is why I continue to workout all year round. Abs was KILLER. But I love that sore, tired feeling that muscles get, because it means that we are using them. However, my hip flexor really hurts. Which is odd and painful but I try to stretch it. Coach and I talked about me coming in early to do a few lifts so that when I got into the weight room then I could lift with the team but still accomplish everything. I love that she is so flexible and understanding. It makes me want to work hard for her. It is also a big change from last year. Do not get me wrong, I do like Crutcher. That was just because she was brutal. I felt like all of my volleyball talent would come out because she demanded nothing less than the best. Stephenson has a different approach. I like how if you want to succeed and get better then you come to her to help you. She does not force or pressure you to do anything you do not want to do. These are two very effective coaching styles just very different. Crutcher held grudges, and if you got on her bad side then that was it for your playing time. Brit was not going to play because of credits, but Laughery was not going to play because she got on her bad side. I was being molded into the second outside. Last Spring I was in the gym four times a day; more out of fear and meanness than desire. I wanted to play, I wanted to win…It did not matter the cost or who was affected. This season was different. It seemed that seniors rule everything, which is something that I did not particularly like. I did not mind it in this past season but it is affecting me now. I think this is because I have been her just as long as Leah has. We are the only one’s left from the original season. (There is Josie but she is in track and we will not see her training with us until August.) It is like we are not all equal; that the seniors are on top and then there is the rest of us, like it is all about making this year perfect for the seniors. It is okay that she wants to make it the best year for them, so do I, because I love our seniors but I also want to be treated as an equal member of the team. Captains should be based on Leadership not on Seniority, well either way I would be a captain then. I think we need to have two permanent captains to lead the team. Like I just stated, captains are leaders and it is an important role, it means the team depends on you on and off the court.
We played tonight. I was semi happy with the way that I played but I had to leave early. Coach said I did some nice things, which means something to me. I want to work my butt off to be a starting outside for her. Grade level will not matter next year. I will be there because I am better, I am vocal, I will be dependable. I want to be apart of the team not just on the team. I just have to work hard and prove it to her, to my teammates, and to myself.
Day Ten: Friday, February 6, 2009
Rodney left this morning. He will be gone the whole weekend. I am going to like this because I can get a lot of stuff done before school gets really hectic; like cleaning and shopping for necessities in my dorm. I have accepted that shopping is for me and baseball video games are for him.
We did not have Thinking and Writing today but we did have Logic. I am struggling because I am finding mildly difficult to stay focused. My mind is wandering, I am trying to grasp the concepts but I know that I will not truly understand them until I read it outside of class. So I think what I am going to do is read ahead, then he will talk about it in class, then I will read it again. Somehow if I move my arms and speak out loud I understand things better. I am doing this not for an A but because I want to understand what he is talking about, I want to learn and execute what I learned in the future. I mean if I grasp it, an A will com regardless. College to me is getting to take classes you are interested in. I want to actually learn not just come to class because I am required to.
I was supposed to run outside today but it is windy and the doctor said that I have to watch out for wind burn more than I do sun burn. In Kansas it is windy most of the time. I rode the elliptical instead, which I enjoyed anyway. Then I did not have to ride it when I got back to my dorm. I told Leah that we should play Sunday instead of Saturday to give our bodies one day of rest. She said no… but I heard we are playing on Sunday anyways. Thankfully. I needed the break. I do not think she understands that this medication wipes me out. I give every ounce of energy, I have six days a week. I just need one day. Also everyone has lives outside of volleyball. I am dedicated but I also have school, work, other responsibilities, a boyfriend, and I need my own time for me. I need to talk to my coach about this too. Some days we do a workout and then come back for another workout instead of doing it all in one. I have to do it all in one. Because I give everything I have and when I leave the gym, I do not want to come back and do anything except play. I just use all my energy. Especially after dinner, I take that second pill and I just want to relax. With my busy schedule that is never a possibility.
One of my friends came to me to talk. I was getting ready for the play and attempting to scrunch my hair (WHICH WORKED AND LOOKED AWESOME. I do not know how to do anything with my hair, so this is a big step.) We started talking about weight and I told her what I was doing eating wise. She says that it hard to be in the caf and want to loose weight when you sit with my friends. Which it is, Josie has a metabolism, she goes through three to four plates of food every meal, and never gains an ounce. Everyone is different but I eat with them rarely because I started getting called anorexic because I would only eat a sandwich with a side dish of fruit. I said she needs to eat with me; she is in track so she has the workout part down. I befriended her. She said she felt so bad for me. I said why and she replied because of how my face looks. It honestly took me by surprise. I do not feel sorry for myself and honestly, whether I am in denial or acceptance, my face does not really bother me that much. I just know someday it will not be like this and it will be better.
We went to see the musical. Gabe was sitting by himself so I offered that he come and sit with us. I am very friendly this semester and I am not afraid to engage in people’s lives. I like it. The Musical was AWESOME. I am taking Rodney next weekend to see it!
Here is when the dilemma started; when my original Accutane file was erased. After rewriting all of this, I feel better. I may have missed some details but I feel like this one is better than the original anyway.
I went to midnight movie even though I was not quite up to it because loosing all of this information. I took Carrie to see He’s Just Not That Into You. It was awesome. I am going to buy it. I was going between that movie and Taken. Rodney wants to see Taken, so I am going to wait. I knew that he would not enjoy this movie as much, this is a chick flick. I lost my phone in my purse, making it twice in one day. Honestly, this day did not go well at the end. I was crying because I lost my file, and then my phone, I thought I was losing my mind. Went to bed upset.
Day Eleven: Back to where we started. After doing all the homework I could muster for that day I went shopping. For clothes? No I wish! I went the thrift store and bought mixing bowls and a coffee table to set my stack of electronics on. My refrigerator now does not sound like lawn mower. (My mom had this genius idea). Then to the Dollar Store, I found stickers that match my shower curtain so now there is an array of Gerber daisies in my bathroom. Then to Wal-Mart where I felt like half of my life went by me since I was in there so long. I bought cooking supplies, cookie sheets, and an array of different items. I swear when I need stuff it ends up turning into a hundred dollar day. I bought all of this because I am going to be learning to bake. I am using the baseball team as my subjects. I love our baseball boys and I am in love with Number 29 or RodneyBear as I like to call him. I also want this to be the best senior year for Rodney. I know how much baseball means to him. So I just want to give him the best, as best as I can. Will baking change anything, maybe not but hey I will learn, people will enjoy, and who knows what will come of it.
I weighed in exactly the same as last week which did not bother me because after the weekend splurge from the previous weekend I am grateful. I went to Bogey’s for my treat; a chocolate chip cookie dough and banana with Oreo; a taste of heaven because it gets me every time. I usually demolish it within ten minutes but I ate a little, unloaded the car, and then savored it. Took me thirty minutes, oh it was delightfully delicious. I cleaned and cleaned the rest of the night. Talked with Rodney, he comes home tomorrow night. He was on Brian’s phone since Rodney forgot his charger. I tell him to make a list, but no. Its okay at least he got all the important stuff. I talked with Brian a little. He and I have a complex relationship and he is completely unaware. He is excited for me to start cooking. I think if we all pitch in then everything will work out smoothly. That is probably not going to happen since he has not paid a single utilities bill. I really do like Brian, he is sweet and funny. He is a lot of things. He is also lazy and depends on others to do things for him. It might be because we are opposites in this. I always believed, well I was taught; never let anyone do something for you that you can do by yourself. Why? Because they will mess it up. So when I was a freshman in high school and there was a 53-foot semi-trailer to unload into our new house, who did it; my dad and I. In student government, I put on an entire Pep assembly by myself, and it was keenly brilliant. The way I incorporated every event to flow together to encompass the Homecoming Theme. None of the students know the brilliance of the intertwining events…but I do. I struggle with this as well. I had Rodney come over to help me position my room since I brought an elliptical back to school with me. And like every other time I have asked him, he sits there. Not because he does not want to help but because I nonverbally communicate that I do not want his help. I do this by moving everything myself and never once asking him for help. I have a hard time asking for help; it makes me feel like I am inadequate. He just keeps me company which is why I think I invite him over anyway. Back to Brian, I pondered what is it that bugs me so much about him. I figured out that it is because I have a little sister who does the same thing he does. She has everything, she is smart, a future Division I volleyball player. I am so proud of her. She lives on the philosophy, “Why do anything if you can get someone else to do it for you.” I am going to be patient with Brian. It is very plausible that if Rodney and I continue our relationship, Brian will be our roommate in the future which is not something I look forward too unless Brian makes a big change into becoming a “big boy” or adult.
I was trying to sleep but my Relationship Map for class keeps running through my mind. If it comes out the way it is in my head, it is going to be stunner!
Mood: Accomplished.
Thus far in the week my symptoms are mainly just the red in my face, my face is the same color as my lips. Some acne but only three of four pimples have shown up since I started the treatment. My face is generally clear just the scars. I itch, mainly around the base of my face, upper neck and head. I have a wind burn on my right leg. I have to put lotion on twice a day to avoid from itching everywhere. Accidently scratched my nose and I have a scar there now. My body feels constantly sore somewhere. My mouth is not noticeably dry. My nose is starting to dry out. My eyes are dry almost all of the time, with mild bearable irritation. I use my Aquaphor constantly. My lips are very dry but are still normal looking and soft as a result of the Aquaphor.
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